Translation checking and suggestions for Japanese video clip intro.

[Toritoribe]

The rhythm of あの日 sounds better than あの時 to me.
If でも is not there, the relation between the first two lines and the rest is unclear.
I think the lyrical tone of 思い is more suitable there.
そして sounds redundant. That's why I removed it.

 

[Nikitas]

The rhythm of あの日 sounds better than あの時 to me.
If でも is not there, the relation between the first two lines and the rest is unclear.
I think the lyrical tone of 思い is more suitable there.
そして sounds redundant. That's why I removed it.

After looking at it a couple more times I have to agree 思い sounds better, although I think kon'na still sound better than kono in this case, is it wrong if I use that? Though I think that even without でも the relation is still there because the 'bakagete' connects the implied meaning in both sentences. Do you mean that it's grammatically unclear or can I get away without using it?

 

[Toritoribe]

こんな doesn't refer to a specific feeling. It includes similar feelings other than the mentioned one. Thus, it usually doesn't mean "this". The nuance is more likely "these kinds of".
It seems to me that the topic is changed without でも since the relation is unclear, as I pointed out.

 

[SomeCallMeChris]

Yes you are right about the voiceover. Do you understands correctly the implied on the first reading of the this version?

Sure, everything seems fine in the current version. I also don't understand the first でも, but it does sound natural to me, I think it's more of a tone softener than an actual 'but'.

I'm not sure about だって ... or 僕 for that matter. The speaker seems very high-handed and very .... formal? well-spoken? wordy? ... hnnh. Anyway, I feel a little like なぜなら and 俺 fit the speaker better, but maybe I'm imagining a different speaker than you are. (I'm imagining a kind of stereotypical dark anime figure, a villain or an anti-hero who is a lot brooding and a little detached from the world.) Without scrolling back, I thought it used to be なぜなら and I'm not sure when it changed or at who's suggestion, but だって is much more the speech of a normal schoolkid and much less the speech of a brooding half-demon magus or some such.

Maybe you mean the speaker to be a normal person, in which case だって and 僕 are perfectly appropriate.

In any case you're definitely nearing if not at the limit of what I can advise you on. Even my advise in this post is very dependent on the specific tone you're trying to achieve and could go either way. Already it seems like perfectly normal Japanese to me, at least, with no mistakes that I can see.

 

[Nikitas]

In any case you're definitely nearing if not at the limit of what I can advise you on. Even my advise in this post is very dependent on the specific tone you're trying to achieve and could go either way. Already it seems like perfectly normal Japanese to me, at least, with no mistakes that I can see.

こんな doesn't refer to a specific feeling. It includes similar feelings other than the mentioned one. Thus, it usually doesn't mean "this". The nuance is more likely "these kinds of".
It seems to me that the topic is changed without でも since the relation is unclear, as I pointed out.

Thank you both so very MUCH! You've been of tremendous help and if you'd be OK with it, it would be an honor to mention you both in the credits once the whole video is finished. If you'd like that, just give me the name with which you'd like to be mentioned and once it's finished(might take even months) I will be sure to let you know!
There are two versions that I will present to my brother for him to choose from and I will post them down below. Please feel free to tell me which one you prefer and why. To do so in a better way, I should tell you that the character is not evil, he's an alien civilian and so is the girl.
1st version:
あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。
「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
君が決めたことはばかげていると思うんだ。
だって君は僕の愛の痛みから逃げて、孤独の痛みを知ったんだから。
でも結局、僕が現実を無視するのもまたばかげてる。
なぜならこの思いは波のように押し寄せて、そしてその中で、
僕は溺れているんだから。

2nd version:
あの時の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。
「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
これが君の決心が愚かだった理由だ。
僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒された。
でも、現実から逃げるのも、また愚かなことだ 。
なぜならこの思いが波のように押し寄せて、
そして僕はその波で、溺れているのだから 。

 

[Toritoribe]

The former one is better.