spanking kids; what do you think?

[Goldiegirl]

I just read an interesting article on spanking children. It wasn't pro or anti spanking per se, but just reported some facts that these researchers had found with regards to spanking kids. Basically by spanking they meant specifically a swat with an open hand on a clothed rear end, and not hard enough to leave bruises or marks. So what it came down to is this, spanking didn't seem to be detrimental to kids between the ages of 2 and 7, earlier and the child doesn't understand and later it's more humiliation. I came from a relatively spank free house. My mom just followed through on her threats. If she said you have to the count of three to pick up your toys or I will throw them out, trust me, they went into the trash and that was that. I think that method worked very well because she was consistent. I do remember getting a smack on the had for touching stuff in stores. I would like to know how discipline is done in other countries, cultures and states. Are you for or against spanking? I am undecided myself as there are kids who I have run across in stores and on planes that I would have gladly smacked (their parents too!).

 

[Haruspex]

Well, My parents didn't spank me only like once or twice when I was still in first or second class or something. Anyway, personally I say if the kid is an ill bred little maggot who pretends to be dumb, spank it.
In my opinion it doesn't matter what the kid does, let him behave as he wants, only discipline him when he isn't doing something with spine. Let him lie, beat up other kids, let him do it all, if he in turn gets beaten by brats his age its fine, but adults going around and deciding whether kids should pester each other is wrong.
Don't force stupid rules on kids. Most schools destroy the personality of kids early on, pedagogically they're worse than what their parents could offer. Also, get rid of some crappy teachers as well. Quality over quantity please.
Honestly I had a teacher in elementary school that told my mother that I cannot be taught because of my hybrid blood, simply because im neither Armenian nor Hungarian. Yeah, very much sense there.
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes kids telling on each other... now thats disgusting, those brats deserve a good strong beating from anyone, but if at all possible from everyone.

 

[Mitsuo]

I believe there is already a thread about this. However, I will answer. I don't believe in spanking. Hitting is hitting whether it's the face or the bum.

 

[Goldiegirl]

If there is a thread I didn't see it....sorry....

thanks for you reply.

 

[nice gaijin]

spare the rod and spoil the child. It's when people neglect to draw the line between discipline and abuse that trouble arises; either kids get beaten, or people shy away from all forms of corporal punishment, resulting in the ill-behaved public nightmares we see at the grocery store.

 

[Mitsuo]

If there is a thread I didn't see it....sorry....

thanks for you reply.

It's alright, it was an older thread so it's nice to have it brought up again for other opinions.

 

[Goldiegirl]

I know most parents around here use "time outs" they put the naughty kid in a chair or something of the sort and make them settle down. While I understand that you get the kid to settle down, I just don't think it should me the mainstay of discipline. At the store when the kid won't put down the glass bottle of spaghetti sauce after the 10th time of being told, threatening a time out when you get home is not solving the issue at hand. (true story of the sauce, the kid then just let go and dropped it on the ground and it splattered everywhere) I wonder if he actually even got a time out at home? I would've gotten my hand smacked and my mom would've left the cart full of groceries at the store and we would've gotten nothing.

 

[karlyboo]

I was spanked rather hard as a child, for failure as well as ignorance, which is not a nice experience.

That said I believe a small amount of physical force can be necessary in controlling younger children. Reasoning with a petulant three year old is pretty much a non-starter in my experience so (i hesitate to emphasise) gentle tap can make the point that simply 'No means no'.

That said I would argue consistency of discipline is more important than using physical force. Most problem families I've seen or read about suffer from a total lack of consistency and spend most of their time undermining themselves.

 

[justin]

I was spanked as a child and I will do the same with my kids. The only time I will spank will be when it is really needed.

 

[scorpion da black]

spanking can be used to force discipline on a child ..
humans are beings who are lead by motivation or fear of punishment...
as all criminals try not to get caught fearing punishment ..and as all workers are motivated to give greater work...

when i say spanking it is hitting as humiliation or to make the child understand that a certain matter is not accepted...not spanking as in " violent abuse "

a child is not capable to understand argument and conversation..that is why punishment will make him realize that " a certain matter will get me punished so it is wrong..dont do "

but when a child grows to be a teenager..use motivation ... hence teenagers like to be treated as grown ups and like to be appreciated..
so teenagers should be taught right from wrong through conversation not spanking ..because they are capable to understand ethics and morals..

using motivation and punishment is the greatest way to raise a healthy citizen not only in raising children..but even in raising adults ..as we all know in corporate life when an employee does a great job he is rewarded as a motivation ..and when he messes up he is punished...

i was raised in this punishment and motivation code..and i think i grew up as a civilized person who respects laws and regulations....

 

[pugtm]

pain and humilation is one of the most effective ways of teaching a human being since it is natures way of telling you something is wrong. now of course it needs to be mixed in with some other more creative punishments but it is entirely correct and it works. try being belted sometime and then tell me if you are willing to misbehave after that..

 

[Doc]

pain and humilation is one of the most effective ways of teaching a human being since it is natures way of telling you something is wrong. now of course it needs to be mixed in with some other more creative punishments but it is entirely correct and it works. try being belted sometime and then tell me if you are willing to misbehave after that..

Wow...I never knew there were people in our nation's youth who actually believe in discipline. ☝
Kudos to you!
-Doc

 

[Goldiegirl]

I don't think you should ever hit a child with enough force to leave a mark. I wouldn't even hit my animals! I don't know if I could actually hit my (potential) child. I know how I feel when other peoples kids are really misbehaving! I don't think humiliation is the best route to go with discipline. I think to make a child feel shame or remorse for doing something wrong is acceptable, but not humiliation. Maybe it's just the choice of words there. I can't say with 100 percent certainty that I won't spank, I just think it would be the last route I would take. I am also not a fan of yelling at kids. I just hate it when parents scream louder and louder at their kids and the kids don't blink an eye and don't stop the behaviour, but they keep on a yellin'. The kids soon learn that when there parents yell they can ignore them as nothing happens. I was thinking back about being a kid and getting into trouble and I can say that I wasn't spanked, however I did get my face slapped when I was around 16 and called my mom a really nasty name...I never did that again!

 

[Haruspex]

try being belted sometime and then tell me if you are willing to misbehave after that..

If my parents tried to do that... I'd go and report it, if they've got the cash to pay as compensation, cool, I volunteer for it.
Pain and humiliation leads nowhere, I'd just hate the person, and do anything the cross his every plan.

 

[Revenant]

I think that there are times that spanking is necessary. My son had a difficult time not scratching the faces of other kids that made him angry when he was three and four years old. That was a concern, as his scratches a couple of times scraped the edges of other kid's eyes. We tried talking to him about other ways to deal with his anger, and we roleplayed that, but when he got angry, all that was forgotten, and finally we told him that the next time he scratched someone's face, we would have to spank him. He lost his temper, and as usual made a grab for the other kid's face, so I spanked him. I spanked him twice, but the third time he remembered that he would be spanked and he was able to restrain himself.

Nothing else worked, and time outs would've come too late (after he had already gone for someone's face with his 'claws'). It's not a good idea to spank out of anger, and it's not the first option I would choose to employ (communicating is ideal, and better when it works), but a few situations I feel do call for spankings.

 

[kairu]

I think to make a child feel shame or remorse for doing something wrong is acceptable, but not humiliation.

I think I agree with this. As for spanking, I kept going back and forth on where I stand in regard to it as I read these responses, but I'm pretty sure that, if I ever found myself in a situation in which I needed to make the decision: spank or don't spank?... I wouldn't. It's just another form of violence and, even though it teaches that one will be punished for one's wrongdoings, it also supports the idea that violence is okay in some situations (which, whether it is or isn't okay, it isn't really a discussion for this thread... or is it? haha).

My dad used to spank when I was very young. My relationship with my dad now is not a direct result of his spanking, but it might say something about his character, and I do not keep contact with him now, whatsoever.

I've experienced both physical and nonphysical punishment, though, as my mom did not spank. Still, she made you feel pretty bad when you did something wrong. Just the use of emotions and guilt can be a very effective punishment, and that brings me back to Goldiegirl's comment, with which I agree, that making a child feel shame or remorse is acceptable as punishment (and, in my opinion, enough).

 

[Revenant]

Violence usually implies anger or hatred, I don't know that all spankings would be driven by either of those. Every child is different, and for some shame and remorse work quite well, in which case I would say going as far as spanking wouldn't be necessary.

If you read my post, at least I felt that something swift and quite memorable was necessary to help my son restrain himself. He didn't respond well to other methods, and I didn't feel we could afford to work gradually through other methods, especially since we weren't always there when he went for other kid's faces, and understandably, some other kid's mothers were upset when there kids came home with scratches at the edges of their eyes.

My father spanked me a few times, but I knew why I was getting spanked, and he always did that calmly (not out of uncontrolled anger). I have a reasonably good relationship with my father.

 

[Goldiegirl]

Yeah, I don't think you can always reason with 3 year old. Scratching other kids faces isn't something that you can be patient with for very long, it's just not acceptable, or safe. I understand your decision Revenant, it was as much for your child as it was for the others he was hurting.

 

[Mars Man]

As just about all, if not all, on this thread have expressed knowledge of, there is no one size fits all here.

The points I have always tried to keep in mind while raising my three boys had been to refrain from spanking when in the heat of anger while they were at the age, and in situations where spanking was most likely the best way to alter a negative disposition. My spankings never amounted to violence, I am quite certain.

Along with that, however, after a spanking had 'settled in' (usually within a number 10s of minutes) I would talk to them about it in a loving and caring way, spend some time (as often as I actually could) with them alone, and provide a window for some positive action--giving them a chance to 'cover the negative with a positive.' I would then reward them for the positive. (I tried to be as consistent as I could with this, but was not perfect....however never took action in anger)

From about the age of 10, I no longer gave spankings but tried to make more use of teaching and reasoning, along with positive reinforcement. I worked at always trying to present myself as a friend to them...rather than as being someone 'above' them. Also, the times that I had later found that I had falsely accused them, or had yelled at them in a spark of loss of control, I always made it a point to apologize...and even do that now...while they are in their teens. Being an example really helps too, I'm sure.

Just like Goldiegirl's mother, giving exact explanations of what course of action you will take if your children (within a given age range) take or fail to take some other course of action, and then sticking to that consistently is a very good way of directing them in a certain direction. This is a somewhat supported technique by psychologists.

One more thing to keep in mind, though...just because a couple become parents, does not mean that they are good at parenting. It is a feat, and and a pretty much full time job.

 

[Goldiegirl]

A full-time job forever at that! You are always a parent no matter how old your children are! That is scary to me! I think you had a nice balance with your parenting Mars Man. Consistency, seems like it is an important point with kids and discipline. Maybe that is the hard part, like when you are tired and just don't want all the fuss, you might be prone to give in...

 

[yumeitsumo]

I don't like spanking. It's bad. I don't like it at all. I get scared. I never want to be hit. I get really scared when my mom pretends like she's going to hit me. one time in a store she did that and I got so scared I pushed her into a rack.

 

[Goldiegirl]

So you are afraid of being hit yet you pushed (physically touched) your mother back? If she has only ever pretended what made you think she was going to hit you? I am interested to know.

opps...I wanted to add that I think there is a big difference between spanking a child ( approx. ages 3-to perhaps 10) than to hitting a teenager. I don't think spanking a teenager is going to work. Hitting to me implies anger, and retaliation. I know it's all words.

 

[yumeitsumo]

Yes, I physically pushed her. I get scared! I felt bad...

 

[Goldiegirl]

So if you get scared it's ok to push and if you scare your mom with your behaviour? I can say that my mom slapped me on the face when I was 16 for calling her a really, really bad name. I didn't push her back, but I didn't call her a name ever again, well out loud! But, what I want to know is did your mom ever spank you or hit you, or did she just threaten. I think you can't just threaten your kids, there has to be follow through, as Mars Man pointed out, consistency. Perhaps, if you had been spanked as a little kid you would have realized that it wasn't as much painful as it was a way to make you feel remorse, you wouldn't be so scared. Maybe you are scared of the unknown? But really, I think at 16 spanking is ridiculous. I deserved what I got at that age, but overall you should be able to talk with a teenager and use other means to punish or discipline, for instance, no driver's license, no cell phone, etc. I used to get my horse privileges taken away...no riding was the worst punishment ever! It was pure torture.

 

[Haruspex]

No riding can be a massive punishment, because you can't hide a horse, but there are things you can do without getting caught.
I used to play until late at night when I was smaller... so my parents told me to get the hell away from the pc and get some sleep. Now you're asking what happened? I went into my room, hanged clothes above my window and played with my PS2 until I dropped dead.
Obviously I wouldn't do that now, but at that time no reasoning worked. Guess what solved the issue!
My parents nagged me so much, that in the end I realized that going through all that stuff was too much of a burden, also, I realized that its a pain to go to school after having slept 4 hours, so in the end it was time that solved it all and not spanking or anything like it. The best method for disciplining a brat is to wait until he grows out of it.