Translation checking and suggestions for Japanese video clip intro.

Nikitas · 6 Mar 2017

So guys I have this paragraph in English that I'm trying to get translated since I want to use it in my brother's video clip intro for a song. The song will be in Greek but the intro itself in Japanese. Now, I'm no expert in Japanese so I want to be SURE that what is said in the video is 100% correct and there are no mistakes. I'm trying to hit an anime vibe with the words and the phrases, so if you think you can correct any grammar mistakes or make the paragraph sound more poetic and deep that would be really helpful! I would also love to make it rhyme more.

This is the what I want to say in Japanese:
The words you said on that day are hanging like a curse. "When you can not sleep, you live in someone's dream". . .
This is the reason why I think your decision was stupid. Because pain of loneliness has found you by running away from the pain of my love.
But after all, ignoring the reality is stupid again. Because this feeling comes as a wave, and in it, I am drowning.

This is the translation I got down so far: (feel free to correct me or suggest better way of saying things)
romaji:
Ano hi ni anata no itta kotoba ga noroi no yōna bura tsukushite iru. " Nemurenai toki ni, dareka no yumenonakade ikite iru"... Kore ga kimi no kettei wa bakadeshita to omou riyūdesu. Nazenara boku no ai no itami o nigeru koto de sabishisa no itami koso anata o mitsuke tta. Demo kekkyoku, genjitsu o mushi sureba mata muimida. Nazenara sono kimochi ga nami to shite kurukara sa, soshite ano na kani ga, boku wa oborete iku.

kanji:
あの日にあなたの言った言葉が呪いのようなぶらつくしている。"眠れない時に、誰かの夢の中で生きている"。。。
これが君の決定はバカでしたと思う理由です。なぜなら僕の愛の痛みを逃げることで寂しさの痛みこそあなたを見つけった。
でも結局、現実を無視すればまた無意味だ。なぜならその気持が波として来るからさ、そしてあのなかにが、ぼくは溺れていく。

Thanks for taking the time!

Toritoribe · 6 Mar 2017

Is "you" a woman?

SomeCallMeChris · 6 Mar 2017

Nikitas said:
あの日にあなたの言った言葉が呪いのようなぶらつくしている。"眠れない時に、誰かの夢の中で生きている"。。。
これが君の決定はバカでしたと思う理由です。なぜなら僕の愛の痛みを逃げることで寂しさの痛みこそあなたを見つけった。
でも結局、現実を無視すればまた無意味だ。なぜならその気持が波として来るからさ、そしてあのなかにが、ぼくは溺れていく。

You don't really need to include a romaji version...

ような cannot modify a verb; and furthermore, a verb like ぶらつく neither can nor would need to be treated as a する verb.

バカ and 無意味 are not the same word, so I was confused as to what the また was doing there until I looked at the English.

気持ちが波として doesn't mean 'like a wave', it means 'as a wave', but in the sense like 'As a citizen, ...' or 'As a father...'

You can't compound the particle に and が the way that you can に and は.

You use both 君 and あなた for 'you' and different points, but as part of one monologue I don't see why the speaker's mode of address would change midway.

There may be other errors that I've missed, there's certainly a lot that feels off to me but it's beyond my own abilities to confidently rewrite it so I'll leave the finer points to someone else.

Edit: Also... I still wonder if this is the output of a translate engine? I checked and it doesn't match the output of google translate, but it still has that feeling.

Nikitas · 6 Mar 2017

SomeCallMeChris said:
ような cannot modify a verb; and furthermore, a verb like ぶらつく neither can nor would need to be treated as a する verb.

So how do I correct this? How should I say the "The words you said on that day are hanging like a curse. " verse?

SomeCallMeChris said:
バカ and 無意味 are not the same word, so I was confused as to what the また was doing there until I looked at the English.

That's because I was deciding between which words to use and forgot to change 無意味 to バカ in the translation.

SomeCallMeChris said:
気持ちが波として doesn't mean 'like a wave', it means 'as a wave', but in the sense like 'As a citizen, ...' or 'As a father...'

How would I correct this? I don't want it to sound unnatural.

SomeCallMeChris said:
You can't compound the particle に and が the way that you can に and は.

I am not sure about which phrase you are referring to, but I would appreciate if you would post your alternation of that phrase.

SomeCallMeChris said:
You use both 君 and あなた for 'you' and different points, but as part of one monologue I don't see why the speaker's mode of address would change midway.

At first it was all あなた , but then I decided I want to use 君 and forgot to change all of the あなたs.

SomeCallMeChris said:
There may be other errors that I've missed, there's certainly a lot that feels off to me but it's beyond my own abilities to confidently rewrite it so I'll leave the finer points to someone else.

Do you mean that the errors gave you the off sensation? Are there any suggestions you could make to make it sound more "native"?

SomeCallMeChris said:
Edit: Also... I still wonder if this is the output of a translate engine? I checked and it doesn't match the output of google translate, but it still has that feeling.

I am still a beginner so I used google translate for assistance in some cases.

Toritoribe said:
Is "you" a woman?

Yes. The character is referring to a woman.

Toritoribe · 7 Mar 2017

Nikitas said:
So how do I correct this? How should I say the "The words you said on that day are hanging like a curse. " verse?

ような is the attributive form. The adverbial form is ように.

Have you never learned how to conjugate verbs? Here's the way to form the -te form.
Japanese verb conjugation - Wikipedia

ぶらつく means "to hang/stroll about." Try to look up another verb.

あの日に is not grammatically wrong, but あの日 without に is more natural.

SomeCallMeChris · 7 Mar 2017

Nikitas said:
So how do I correct this? How should I say the "The words you said on that day are hanging like a curse. " verse?

The correct uses of よう are explained here,

But this is really just a specific case of turning an adjective into an adverb. (ような is a な-adjective, after all). Turning adjectives into adverbs is here: Adverbs and Gobi - Tae Kim's Japanese grammar guide

The double-verb problem with ぶらつくしている can be fixed by just conjugating ぶらつく into -ている form.That's discussed here, Other uses of the te-form | Learn Japanese

These are all basic grammars that should also be in your textbook.

As for putting it together, I'm not sure you can sensibly say 'hanging like a curse'. You wouldn't want to use ぶらつく anyway, maybe you could use 垂れる, but maybe not.

It turns out that all three sentence example sites that I rely on for searching up natural phrasing, there's no cases of 呪いのように :
「呪いのように」に関連した英語例文の一覧 - Weblio英語例文検索
呪いのようにの英訳｜英辞郎 on the WEB：アルク
「呪いのように」の例文 - Tatoeba

It doesn't seem as if the Japanese make this kind of comparison at all, so you're kind of in uncharted territory making up a new kind of sentence.

How would I correct this? I don't want it to sound unnatural.

If you want to say it's 'like a wave' then you can use the same のように that we were talking about. If you want to say it forms into a wave, then you could use なる.

I am not sure about which phrase you are referring to, but I would appreciate if you would post your alternation of that phrase.

I highlighted all the errors I commented on when I quoted you to make it easier to find them, but anyway it's here:
そしてあのなかにが、ぼくは溺れていく

In this case you just want to remove the が, since に is the correct particle for designating where you're drowning.

The whole phrase is odd though; you say あのなか but you haven't previously referred to なか so 'あのなか' doesn't make sense, maybe you mean あの波の中 ; 溺れていく is also weird (you're drowning and then going somewhere? going somewhere while drowning?) Probably you mean 溺れている with the same -ている conjugation discussed earlier.

Do you mean that the errors gave you the off sensation? Are there any suggestions you could make to make it sound more "native"?

I'm not a native or an experienced writer. I read a lot so I can recognize and understand quite a bit, but I don't write very much and when I do it's not usually very natural sounding.

I am still a beginner so I used google translate for assistance in some cases.

Yeah, don't do that. Google translate will give you bad translations. They're not always wrong in their meaning - although that happens often enough - but they never look like a normal sentence.

Use your textbook, dictionaries, the sentence example sites I linked above, or just search on google ; dig out examples of textbook or native writing that are similar to what you want to say and use those as models for your writing.

Nikitas · 8 Mar 2017

SomeCallMeChris said:
The correct uses of よう are explained here,

But this is really just a specific case of turning an adjective into an adverb. (ような is a な-adjective, after all). Turning adjectives into adverbs is here: Adverbs and Gobi - Tae Kim's Japanese grammar guide

The double-verb problem with ぶらつくしている can be fixed by just conjugating ぶらつく into -ている form.That's discussed here, Other uses of the te-form | Learn Japanese

These are all basic grammars that should also be in your textbook.

As for putting it together, I'm not sure you can sensibly say 'hanging like a curse'. You wouldn't want to use ぶらつく anyway, maybe you could use 垂れる, but maybe not.

It turns out that all three sentence example sites that I rely on for searching up natural phrasing, there's no cases of 呪いのように :
「呪いのように」に関連した英語例文の一覧 - Weblio英語例文検索
 呪いのようにの英訳｜英辞郎 on the WEB：アルク
 「呪いのように」の例文 - Tatoeba

It doesn't seem as if the Japanese make this kind of comparison at all, so you're kind of in uncharted territory making up a new kind of sentence.

If you want to say it's 'like a wave' then you can use the same のように that we were talking about. If you want to say it forms into a wave, then you could use なる.

I highlighted all the errors I commented on when I quoted you to make it easier to find them, but anyway it's here:
そしてあのなかにが、ぼくは溺れていく

In this case you just want to remove the が, since に is the correct particle for designating where you're drowning.

The whole phrase is odd though; you say あのなか but you haven't previously referred to なか so 'あのなか' doesn't make sense, maybe you mean あの波の中 ; 溺れていく is also weird (you're drowning and then going somewhere? going somewhere while drowning?) Probably you mean 溺れている with the same -ている conjugation discussed earlier.

I have followed your instructions and I would appreciate if you would take a look at my revised version.
In english:
That day the words you said are as if they were cursed. "When you can not sleep, you live in someone's dream". . .
This is the reason why I think your decision was stupid. Because pain of loneliness has found you by running away from the pain of my love.
But, after all, ignoring reality is stupid again. Because that feeling comes like a wave, and in it I am drowning.

Translation:
その日、君の言った言葉がまるで呪いのように残っている。"眠れない時に、誰かの夢の中で生きている"。。。
これが君の決定はバカでしたと思う理由です。なぜなら僕の愛の痛みを逃げることで寂しさの痛みこそあなたを見つけった。
でも結局、現実を無視すればまたバカだ。なぜならその気持が波のように来るからさ、そしてあの中に、僕は溺れている。

I would also love to know if it feels natural reading this. And if not, where does it seem off...

Nikitas · 8 Mar 2017

Toritoribe said:
ような is the attributive form. The adverbial form is ように.

Have you never learned how to conjugate verbs? Here's the way to form the -te form.
Japanese verb conjugation - Wikipedia

ぶらつく means "to hang/stroll about." Try to look up another verb.

あの日に is not grammatically wrong, but あの日 without に is more natural.

I have also taken your advice under consideration and would like your opinion on the new revision as well any suggestions for bettering the paragraph

SomeCallMeChris · 8 Mar 2017

Nikitas said:
その日、君の言った言葉がまるで呪いのように残っている。"眠れない時に、誰かの夢の中で生きている"。。。
これが君の決定はバカでしたと思う理由です。なぜなら僕の愛の痛みを逃げることで寂しさの痛みこそあなたを見つけった。
でも結局、現実を無視すればまたバカだ。なぜならその気持が波のように来るからさ、そしてあの中に、僕は溺れている。

That's considerably better.
You oddly have one sentence in the middle in polite form though, while the rest is in plain form: これが君の決定はバカでしたと思う理由です (even putting the quoted thought into polite form, which is kind of excessive).

This sentence drives me crazy:
なぜなら僕の愛の痛みを逃げることで寂しさの痛みこそあなたを見つけった。
I don't know what ことで is doing here. I feel like any number of conditional conjunctions or relative time expressions could belong here. Even just the て form of 逃げる would be better, but probably not ideal.
This sentence still has an あなた in it while the others have all turned to 君.
I'm less certain about this, but I'd also rather see 見つかれる for the final verb so that 君 is the subject all the way through both clauses. Ie. 寂しさの痛み（こそ）に見つかれた.
(I'm not sold on こそ belonging here, but I don't want to condemn it too hard either, I'd look for examples of similar sentences or ask a native opinion.)

The last line, I still think it should be あの波の中 rather than あの中.
"あの～" use like this refers to an already known or already mentioned ～ , but you haven't mentioned a 中, while you have mentioned a 波. (There are other more drastic rewrites that also work of course.)

Even if you fix all that I'm still not sure it sounds natural, but it would at least be passable to my gaijin ears.

Nikitas · 12 Mar 2017

I appreciate all your effort. Can you suggest any sites or chats where I can speak to native Japanese speakers?

SomeCallMeChris · 12 Mar 2017

Nikitas said:
I appreciate all your effort. Can you suggest any sites or chats where I can speak to native Japanese speakers?

We have several native speakers on these forums, including Toritoribeさん, who already gave you some advice in this thread. If you revise your work based on the suggestions you already have, a native speaker might advise you on fine tuning or at least let you know whether it sounds reasonably natural.

Other than this site, lang-8.com comes to mind, it's a site specifically for exchanging native language corrections.

Nikitas · 14 Mar 2017

SomeCallMeChris said:
We have several native speakers on these forums, including Toritoribeさん, who already gave you some advice in this thread. If you revise your work based on the suggestions you already have, a native speaker might advise you on fine tuning or at least let you know whether it sounds reasonably natural.

Other than this site, lang-8.com comes to mind, it's a site specifically for exchanging native language corrections.

I have done some revisions and I think I've come to a nice result. If you wouldn't mind taking a last look at it, I would be great-full.
あの日、君の言った言葉が呪いのように残っている。"眠れない時に、誰かの夢の中で生きている"…
これが君の決定はバカいるという理由だ。僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒されるから。
でも結局、僕も現実を無視すればまたバカだ。なぜならこんな気持ちが波のように押し寄せて、そして僕はその波で溺れるから。

SomeCallMeChris · 14 Mar 2017

That reads a lot better. It's not perfect but it no longer looks like it came from a translate engine at least.

Nikitas said:
誰かの夢の中で生きている"…

This bothers me a little every time... I'm not sure you can use 生きている here. I'm not sure you can't either. It's fine grammatically and it makes enough sense, but it might be unnatural, I can't really tell.

これが君の決定はバカいるという理由だ。

You cleaned up the formality here, but you replaced 「です」 in 「バカです」 with いる, which doesn't work. いる is only used for 'is' in the sense of the 'to be' verb applied to living beings, or as an auxiliary verb for ongoing actions.

You also for some reason replaced と思う with という, which doesn't mean the same thing.

僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒されるから。

You have 晒される in the non-past form here, which in this sentence would mean that the listener will, in future, be exposed to 孤独の痛み.

そして僕はその波で溺れるから。

溺れる is the non-past here also, which again would suggest a future action, while I believe you mean to state an ongoing action.

Toritoribe · 14 Mar 2017

Nikitas said:
あの日、君の言った言葉が呪いのように残っている。"眠れない時に、誰かの夢の中で生きている"…

残っている is more likely just "to remain". I would use other words, for instance まとわりついて離れない instead.

My attempt. (And this is why I asked if the speaker of the quotation is a woman.)
あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」

SomeCallMeChris · 14 Mar 2017

Toritoribe said:
残っている is more likely just "to remain". I would use other words, for instance まとわりついて離れない instead.

Really? I like まとわりつく for having a sinister feeling, but I didn't realize 残る was inappropriate. 勉強になりましたね。

あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」

I like the feeling of this.
Does this mean my suspicions about 生きている were correct?
(As a completely late and after the fact aside, I feel like google's 住んでいる was even worse, since we clearly mean something other than making your home there. Practically a model example of why not to rely on google translate.)

Nikitas · 15 Mar 2017

SomeCallMeChris said:
This bothers me a little every time... I'm not sure you can use 生きている here. I'm not sure you can't either. It's fine grammatically and it makes enough sense, but it might be unnatural, I can't really tell.

I replaced it with toritoribe's phrases so I don't it's gona be a problem now.

SomeCallMeChris said:
You cleaned up the formality here, but you replaced 「です」 in 「バカです」 with いる, which doesn't work. いる is only used for 'is' in the sense of the 'to be' verb applied to living beings, or as an auxiliary verb for ongoing actions.

僕も現実を無視すればまたバカをみる。 Is this better? I'm being told バカをみる is for a stupid situation which you are involved in.

SomeCallMeChris said:
You also for some reason replaced と思う with という, which doesn't mean the same thing.

It was a suggestion from a native speaker. Do you think it's a better if I remove it? I think it doesn't sound very "clear". I would only keep:
これが君の決定はバカげている理由だ。
。

SomeCallMeChris said:
You have 晒される in the non-past form here, which in this sentence would mean that the listener will, in future, be exposed to 孤独の痛み.

So.... I just have to change it to past form like this? : 僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒されたから。

SomeCallMeChris said:
溺れる is the non-past here also, which again would suggest a future action, while I believe you mean to state an ongoing action.

So how do I fix this? I don't want to refer to the past. I do indeed mean to state an ongoing action.

Toritoribe said:
My attempt. (And this is why I asked if the speaker of the quotation is a woman.)
あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」

In the first sentence do I need to include the の before the 君? I really like the whole thing but that の just doesn't sit well in my ear.

This is the current result:
あの日、君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
これが君の決定はバカげている理由だ。僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒されたから。
でも結局、僕も現実を無視すればまたバカをみる。なぜならこんな気持ちが波のように押し寄せて、そして僕はその波で溺れるから。

Toritoribe · 16 Mar 2017

バカげている or バカをみる seems to sound too much colloquial to me. I would use 愚か instead, for instance.

Nikitas said:
In the first sentence do I need to include the の before the 君? I really like the whole thing but that の just doesn't sit well in my ear.

It's from the difference between an attributive 君の and modifying clause 君が言った.
あの日 is an adverbial phrase, so there is no problem with a verb 言った, but 君の言葉 is a noun phrase, therefore あの日 can't modify it. あの日 is interpreted to be associated with まとわりついて離れない in your sentence. That's why の after あの日 is necessary.

SomeCallMeChris said:
Does this mean my suspicions about 生きている were correct?
(As a completely late and after the fact aside, I feel like google's 住んでいる was even worse, since we clearly mean something other than making your home there. Practically a model example of why not to rely on google translate.)

生きている might not be so bad. It's at least far better than 住んでいる, yes.

SomeCallMeChris · 16 Mar 2017

Nikitas said:
It was a suggestion from a native speaker. Do you think it's a better if I remove it? I think it doesn't sound very "clear". I would only keep:
これが君の決定はバカげている理由だ。

Well, I'm not a native speaker so if they thought it sounded more natural with いう instead of 思う, I guess you could with that. Toritoribeさん is also a native speaker though, so you could also go with his suggestion.

So.... I just have to change it to past form like this? : 僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒されたから。

Yes,. precisely.

So how do I fix this? I don't want to refer to the past. I do indeed mean to state an ongoing action.

You've already used the ～ている form for a continuing action once in the old version when you had 生きている...

Toritoribe said:
It's from the difference between an attributive 君の and modifying clause 君が言った.
あの日 is an adverbial phrase, so there is no problem with a verb 言った, but 君の言葉 is a noun phrase, therefore あの日 can't modify it. あの日 is interpreted to be associated with まとわりついて離れない in your sentence. That's why の after あの日 is necessary.

Ahhhhh. I thought the version with の sounded better but I didn't know why. Thanks for the clear explanation!

生きている might not be so bad. It's at least far better than 住んでいる, yes.

Ahhh, so it wasn't out of the question... but you still amended it to いる in your attempt so not the first choice at least for the tone here (or your personal style). Hmm, I'll keep that in mind. (Not that I'm likely to be writing mystical remarks like that any time soon, but you never know I guess, and I'm certainly likely to be reading them! ) Thanks again for your assistance!

Nikitas · 17 Mar 2017

Toritoribe said:
バカげている or バカをみる seems to sound too much colloquial to me. I would use 愚か instead, for instance.

I changed both sentences to:
これは君の決定が愚か理由だ。
僕も現実を無視すればまた愚かだ。
I hope I didn't make any mistakes.

Toritoribe said:
It's from the difference between an attributive 君の and modifying clause 君が言った.
あの日 is an adverbial phrase, so there is no problem with a verb 言った, but 君の言葉 is a noun phrase, therefore あの日 can't modify it. あの日 is interpreted to be associated with まとわりついて離れない in your sentence. That's why の after あの日 is necessary.

Thank you so much for the clear explanation

SomeCallMeChris said:
You've already used the ～ている form for a continuing action once in the old version when you had 生きている...

So I just have to change it back to そして僕はその波で溺れている, right?

This is the current version as it stands:
あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
これは君の決定が愚か理由だ。僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒されたから。
でも結局、僕も現実を無視すればまた愚かだ。なぜならこんな気持ちが波のように押し寄せて、そして僕はその波で溺れている。

SomeCallMeChris · 17 Mar 2017

Nikitas said:
I changed both sentences to:
これは君の決定が愚か理由だ。
僕も現実を無視すればまた愚かだ。
I hope I didn't make any mistakes.

That doesn't seem right. 愚かcan't just run into 理由 like that. な-adjectives should be followed by some form of the copula (な、だ、です、である, etc.)
Not な in this case, at least not without rewriting the sentence to use 愚かな決定 , but I think you can keep it quite close to the current structure and say:

「これは君の決定が愚かだった理由だ。」

So I just have to change it back to そして僕はその波で溺れている, right?

Exactly right.

あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
これは君の決定が愚か理由だ。僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒されたから。
でも結局、僕も現実を無視すればまた愚かだ。なぜならこんな気持ちが波のように押し寄せて、そして僕はその波で溺れている。

Except for the fix to the grammar of 愚か, that seems correct enough.

It could probably use some tuning for naturalness, it reads very flat. I don't really know how to fix that though, probably more sentence-final particles and explanatory-の particles, but I'd likely make it worse if I tried to specify where to put them (when my writing is corrected, my own sentence final particles are often questioned so, yeah.)

The から after 晒された bothers me a little, but I'm not sure it's wrong. It seems unnecessary to me (and also a little 'translationese'... in English we can say 'The reason for X is because Y' instead of 'The reason for X is Y', but I don't know that Japanese lets you do the same with から ; I don't feel like I see it used that way, but I'm not sure it can't be.)

In any case, it's quite close, certainly close enough to be understood.

Nikitas · 30 Mar 2017

SomeCallMeChris said:
That doesn't seem right. 愚かcan't just run into 理由 like that. な-adjectives should be followed by some form of the copula (な、だ、です、である, etc.)
Not な in this case, at least not without rewriting the sentence to use 愚かな決定 , but I think you can keep it quite close to the current structure and say:

「これは君の決定が愚かだった理由だ。」

Exactly right.

Except for the fix to the grammar of 愚か, that seems correct enough.

It could probably use some tuning for naturalness, it reads very flat. I don't really know how to fix that though, probably more sentence-final particles and explanatory-の particles, but I'd likely make it worse if I tried to specify where to put them (when my writing is corrected, my own sentence final particles are often questioned so, yeah.)

The から after 晒された bothers me a little, but I'm not sure it's wrong. It seems unnecessary to me (and also a little 'translationese'... in English we can say 'The reason for X is because Y' instead of 'The reason for X is Y', but I don't know that Japanese lets you do the same with から ; I don't feel like I see it used that way, but I'm not sure it can't be.)

In any case, it's quite close, certainly close enough to be understood.

I'm sorry about this huge delay, but I've been really busy. I have made small adjustments and followed you're advice, so here is the last version as it stands right now:

あの時の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。
「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
これが君の決心が愚かだった理由だ。
僕の痛いほどの愛から逃げて、君は孤独の痛みに晒された。
でも、現実から逃げるのも、また愚かなことだ。
なぜならこんな気持ちが波のように押し寄せて、
そして僕はその波で、溺れているのだから。

I hope this sounds Japanese and not translationese

Toritoribe · 30 Mar 2017

Yes, that makes sense enough.

Although I said ばかげている sounds too colloquial previously, the tone of the translation is more colloquial than I thought, and on the contrary 愚か sounds too stiff in that sentences.
Here's my attempt.
あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。
「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
でも君が決めたことはばかげていると思うんだ。
だって君は僕の愛の痛みから逃げて、孤独の痛みを知ったんだから。
結局、現実を無視するのもばかげてる。
この思いは波のように押し寄せ、その中で、僕は溺れてる。

SomeCallMeChris · 30 Mar 2017

Hmm. Toritoribeさん is a native speaker, and a great advisor on this site, so I hate to contradict him, however, I feel like in this passage,
"結局、現実を無視するのもばかげてる"
is going to be interpreted, at least at first, as if きみ is the one ignoring reality.
If we look at earlier versions, it's clearly the speaker who is 'also' being as foolish as 'きみ' in this line. In order to ensure that the reader understands correctly on the first reading (or hearing, if this is to be a voiceover on a video, if I recall correctly) it seems to me it should be '現実を無視する僕も' rather than '現実を無視するのも'
(ie, 'My ignoring reality also...' instead of 'Ignoring reality also...')

As it is isn't incorrect, but きみ has been the subject for so long that I don't think it's easily understood that 僕 has become the subject for this line with no explicit mention. It's only after reading later lines that you would pause and go back to reinterpret this line which would completely break the flow and still leave you unsure, or at least it would leave me unsure, if I hadn't already seen all these versions.

Toritoribe · 30 Mar 2017

Yeah, your point is reasonable. The subject indeed could be misinterpreted. However, The subject of "is stupid", i.e., what is stupid is "ignoring the reality", not "I", so 僕もばかげてる changes the meaning. 僕が現実を無視するのも would be better.

Here's the revised version.
あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。
「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
でも君が決めたことはばかげていると思うんだ。
だって君は僕の愛の痛みから逃げて、孤独の痛みを知ったんだから。
でも結局、僕が現実を無視するのもまたばかげてる。
だってこの思いは波のように押し寄せて、その中で、僕は溺れているんだから。

Nikitas · 1 Apr 2017

Toritoribe said:
Here's the revised version.
あの日の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。
「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
でも君が決めたことはばかげていると思うんだ。
だって君は僕の愛の痛みから逃げて、孤独の痛みを知ったんだから。
でも結局、僕が現実を無視するのもまたばかげてる。
だってこの思いは波のように押し寄せて、その中で、僕は溺れているんだから。

I like what you did with this, but I don't see the reason for the first でも as I have no 'but' there in my original text :/ Do I need that でも for grammatical reasons? Also I replaced あの日 with あの時 in the latest version and I like the way そして sounds before その中で and I think こんな気持ち sounds better than この思い, is it wrong if I keep こんな気持ち instead? So, does this version look right?

Latest:
あの時の君の言葉が呪いのようにまとわりついて離れない。
「眠れない時は、誰かの夢の中にいるのよ」
君が決めたことはばかげていると思うんだ。
だって君は僕の愛の痛みから逃げて、
孤独の痛みを知ったんだから。
でも結局、僕が現実を無視するのもまたばかげてる。
だってこんな気持ちは波のように押し寄せて、
そしてその中で、僕は溺れているんだから。

SomeCallMeChris said:
. In order to ensure that the reader understands correctly on the first reading (or hearing, if this is to be a voiceover on a video, if I recall correctly)

Yes you are right about the voiceover. Do you understands correctly the implied on the first reading of the this version?

Translation checking and suggestions for Japanese video clip intro.

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