Offensive man jokes please
- Thread starter SandWitch
- Start date
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
Man said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it."
His wife replied, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
So this woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?" She says "I want to kill my husband". He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
______________________________________________________________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a
very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh!
Immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
---------------------
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...
but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"
She cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...
"Hello - we're all down here...."
----------------------------
Want more? Say "When."
His wife replied, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
So this woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?" She says "I want to kill my husband". He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
______________________________________________________________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a
very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh!
Immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
---------------------
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...
but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"
She cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...
"Hello - we're all down here...."
----------------------------
Want more? Say "When."
lol, k since i think the female version offended some people on the other thread, here is a couple of the male lists.
1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8. Zit's happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.
9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig.
12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not.
25. Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.
29. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.
30. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.
The Female always makes the rules
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification
If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules she must immediately change some or all of them
The female is never wrong
If the female is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong
If the last rule applies the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
the female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all time
The male who doesn't abide by the rules lacks backbone and is a wimp.
The female is ready when she is ready
The male must be ready at all times
1. Dicks are for peeing and having sex - it is not necessary to play with
it, name it, talk about it, measure it, boast about it 窶 it is just an
appendage same as your hand or foot and its not as pretty as you think
2. Learn to piss in the toilet bowl and not on the toilet seat, we don窶冲
piss on the seat
3. Shopping is like the full moon and the changing of the tides 窶 let it
be, give up your credit card and stop complaining when we spend money
4. Sports 窶 is it necessary to have 100 golf balls, 20 clubs, the most
expensive golf bag because all you are going to do with it is put it on the
back of a golf cart anyway. Is it necessary to buy a rugby jersey to watch
rugby in, you are not playing the damn game
5. The only reason we cry is to release some frustration, the other
alternative is to stick a knife in your throat
6. We have tried asking for what we want, but you suddenly go deaf, are
reading the papers, or watching important news on TV, or forget, so we are
just trying another means of asking for it
7. The reason we have a headache for 17 months is because you are a ****
lover 窶 2 minutes of sex is not considered good sex.
8. The only reason we bring up issues from 6 months ago is because you are
still making the same stupid mistakes
9. If we can lie about the size of your dick, you can lie about the size of
our arse
10. Speak English correctly then we don窶冲 need to interpret what you say in
any way except the right way
11. We assume that you are intelligent because you keep telling us how
intelligent you are therefore we assume that we don窶冲 need to tell you how
to do it you should do it the right way first time and besides when we do
tell you how we want it done you tell us you know how to do it.
12. Whenever possible ask for sex just as we are getting into bed, do not
wake us up for evening or morning sex and ask us if we are awake. Oh and
morning sex is not good, your breath stinks and your dick is smelly and
sweaty
13. Christopher Columbus did not ask for directions and that is why it took
him 10 years to discover the ******* world
14. A golf ball is a golf ball is a golf ball, so if you can have 30
different makes of golf ball we can have all the colours of the rainbow
plus what we make up as we go along
15. If it itches, its because its dirty or you have crabs 窶 we don窶冲 want
to know
16. The only reason we ask for your assistance in dressing to go out is to
prevent you from ogling the ***** walking past you, who has her dress up
her c*nt and her tits hanging out
17. A round fat stomach may be a perfect shape for you but then don窶冲 get
upset when the guy walking past you has a flat, 6 pack stomach and we look
18. A speedo is not sexy
19. Tight pants is not sexy
20. Black shoes white socks and black pants is not sexy
21. And if you ever want sex again, please note that women rule so get used
to it
1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8. Zit's happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.
9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig.
12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not.
25. Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.
29. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.
30. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.
The Female always makes the rules
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification
If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules she must immediately change some or all of them
The female is never wrong
If the female is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong
If the last rule applies the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
the female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all time
The male who doesn't abide by the rules lacks backbone and is a wimp.
The female is ready when she is ready
The male must be ready at all times
1. Dicks are for peeing and having sex - it is not necessary to play with
it, name it, talk about it, measure it, boast about it 窶 it is just an
appendage same as your hand or foot and its not as pretty as you think
2. Learn to piss in the toilet bowl and not on the toilet seat, we don窶冲
piss on the seat
3. Shopping is like the full moon and the changing of the tides 窶 let it
be, give up your credit card and stop complaining when we spend money
4. Sports 窶 is it necessary to have 100 golf balls, 20 clubs, the most
expensive golf bag because all you are going to do with it is put it on the
back of a golf cart anyway. Is it necessary to buy a rugby jersey to watch
rugby in, you are not playing the damn game
5. The only reason we cry is to release some frustration, the other
alternative is to stick a knife in your throat
6. We have tried asking for what we want, but you suddenly go deaf, are
reading the papers, or watching important news on TV, or forget, so we are
just trying another means of asking for it
7. The reason we have a headache for 17 months is because you are a ****
lover 窶 2 minutes of sex is not considered good sex.
8. The only reason we bring up issues from 6 months ago is because you are
still making the same stupid mistakes
9. If we can lie about the size of your dick, you can lie about the size of
our arse
10. Speak English correctly then we don窶冲 need to interpret what you say in
any way except the right way
11. We assume that you are intelligent because you keep telling us how
intelligent you are therefore we assume that we don窶冲 need to tell you how
to do it you should do it the right way first time and besides when we do
tell you how we want it done you tell us you know how to do it.
12. Whenever possible ask for sex just as we are getting into bed, do not
wake us up for evening or morning sex and ask us if we are awake. Oh and
morning sex is not good, your breath stinks and your dick is smelly and
sweaty
13. Christopher Columbus did not ask for directions and that is why it took
him 10 years to discover the ******* world
14. A golf ball is a golf ball is a golf ball, so if you can have 30
different makes of golf ball we can have all the colours of the rainbow
plus what we make up as we go along
15. If it itches, its because its dirty or you have crabs 窶 we don窶冲 want
to know
16. The only reason we ask for your assistance in dressing to go out is to
prevent you from ogling the ***** walking past you, who has her dress up
her c*nt and her tits hanging out
17. A round fat stomach may be a perfect shape for you but then don窶冲 get
upset when the guy walking past you has a flat, 6 pack stomach and we look
18. A speedo is not sexy
19. Tight pants is not sexy
20. Black shoes white socks and black pants is not sexy
21. And if you ever want sex again, please note that women rule so get used
to it
TwistedMac
後輩
- 4 Mar 2004
- 2,267
- 96
kuchi said:
what?!?! THEY DON'T THINK THAT'S COOL!?!?
LMFAO!!! that was fantastic!
