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Offensive Joke, Beware

Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck say...

1. I thought Graceland was tacky.
2. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
3. Do you think my hair is too big?
4. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
5. The tires on that truck are too big.
6. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
7. Do you think this baseball cap goes with this shirt?
8. Damned if that polititian ain't honest!
9. We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
10. You can't feed that to the dog.
 
Even I would not have posted that one . . .

Kuchi,

You can still be a real man and go back and delete it.
 
[Waits for an angry mob to beat kuchi inside out]
:?
😄

My god that just didn't sound right. :p
-attempted a little joke. to not make the girls toooooooo mad at him. though you should delete it.-
 
What do you say to a one-legged hitch-hiker?
"Hey, hop in!"

How do you apologize to a guy who's impotent?
"Hey, no hard feelings!"

How do you drive Helen Keller crazy?
Glue doorknobs on the wall.

How do you drive Helen Keller crazy?
Re-arrange her furniture everyday.
 
Here's one that women would appreciate:


Why don't women blink during foreplay?
Because they don't have enough time.
 
At the `04 American presidential election the results are too close to decide, so to choose who becomes president, they have a competition to see who is better at ice fishing and who can catch more fish.

After the first day Kerry has 10 fish and Bush has none. The next day Kerry has 20 fish and Bush has none. On the third day Kerry catches 50 fish, but Bush still has none.

So GW. goes to his dad, George, Sr., for some advice. He explains the situation to Sr....

Sr. says, "Don't worry about catching fish, son. What you have to do is spy on Kerry and see if he's cheating." So the next day Jr. spies on Kerry and then goes back to his dad.

Sr. says, "So what did you find? Is Kerry cheating?"

Jr. replies, "Yes Dad he is cheating. He's cutting holes in the ice!"
 
An Irishman and a Potato

An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, "How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?"

Pierre said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild."

So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.

So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!"

Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, "You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"

:p
 
So God said to Adam,
"I can make you the perfect woman, she'll clean and never compain and be easy to live with.... But it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
To which Adam replied
"Damn... what can i get for a rib?"

oh, and sorry for whatever joke it was that offended you all, it seems admin pulled it down so i cant see what it was. im on another forum that has a "not for the week of heart" joke section and pulled some down from there. are u guys talking about the list of things women should obey? if so i can post one men should obey too:)-have em all. if it is not the list then i don remember but sry anyway. btw isn the point of this thread too post jokes an no one gets offended?
 
God said to the American Indian,
"I'm going to teach you the perfect word for 'Hello'."

The Indian: "How?"
 
kuchi said:
oh, and sorry for whatever joke it was that offended you all, it seems admin pulled it down so i cant see what it was. im on another forum that has a "not for the week of heart" joke section and pulled some down from there. are u guys talking about the list of things women should obey? if so i can post one men should obey too:)-have em all. if it is not the list then i don remember but sry anyway. btw isn the point of this thread too post jokes an no one gets offended?

yeah, we're supposed to not get offended, but the are some boundaries that were crossed that were more rated XXX than X, or that were like to have all the women in the forum put their collective feet up his ***. :D but please, do post the one about guys! chances are, it won't be as bad as that one!
 
What was Lizzie Borden's defende attorney's argument?

That when she was a little girl, Lizzie had a Jamaican nannie who kept telling her "Child, you got to aks your mother!"
 
Now we're going for some sick oldies jokes. Here are 10:

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
Are you gonna eat that?

Why weren't any of Jeffrey Dahmer's victims on life support system?
Because he hates eating vegetables

Why didn't Jeffrey Dahmer eat any kids from Beverly Hills?
Because they're all spoiled rotten

What does Jeffrey Dahmer say when he opens his refrigerator?
My baloney has a first name: O, S, C, A, R

How much did Jeffrey Dahmer's defense attorney charge him?
An arm and a leg

What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and OJ Simpson?
OJ only ate one of his victims

What's Nicole Simpson doing in heaven now?
She's a Pez dispenser

What were the last words OJ said to Nicole?
Your waiter will be with you shortly

What's OJ's favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving. He gets to carve white meat.

What's the difference between OJ and Christopher Reeve?
OJ walked

What does a deck of Rodney King playing cards have?
1 spade and 53 clubs.
 
k, hers some of the female ones then

1.The female makes the rules.

2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.

3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules
are not permitted.

4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5.The female is never wrong.

6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do,
or did not say.

7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having
been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female
as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.

8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason
at all.

9.The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances
without the express written consent of the female which is given only in
cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no
indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.

10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or
imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole
judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of
the root cause of the female's being angry or pset. The female may,
however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying
attention. See rule 13.

11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.

12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or
indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.

13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.
Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the
sole discretion of the female.

14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past
incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify,
enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to
the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive,
pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.

15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to
illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the
consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has
bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports
teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such
illustrations are non-rebuttable.

16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.

17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought,
opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective
interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding.
Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or
rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy
and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. :)

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you *****!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay



the rest on that forum would probably offend you guys so this is the last im gonna post from it.
 
What do you call kids who are half Catholic and half Jewish?
Cashews.

--------------------

A little boy runs up to his drunk father, "Daddy, can I have 5 bucks? I wanna go buy a Guinea pig." The father reaches into his pocket then hands the kid a $100 bill. "Here, son, go get yourself a skinny Irish girl." :sorry:

--------------------

"Yanagi no eda ni neko ga iru
Dakara . . . Neko Yanagi
Sore de iinoda, sore de iinoda
Bon bon Bakabon Baka bon bon

Tensai ikka da
Baka bon bon
. . . ." 🧑‍🎤

Theme song from the TV anime series "Tensai Bakabon." :music:
 
More Redneck Jokes

What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.

What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

:D :LOL: 👍 :sorry: :p :D :LOL: 👍 :sorry: :p :D :LOL: 👍 :sorry: :p
 
-----------------------------------

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondike

What's the bad thing about a Chinese hooker?
An hour later you're horny again

WHy did the bumble bee wear a yarmelke?
He didn't want to be mistaken for a WASP

A mugger in Japan: "Give me all your money or I'll kill myself."

What do you call someone who is half Oriental and half Mexican?
A car thief who can't drive well

Why was the Polish guy standing outside a brothel all night?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green

WHy was the Polish guy tip-toeing by the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake up thet sleeping pills.

What do you call someone who is half Irish and half Jewish?
A drunk who gets his liquor wholesale.
 
Golgo_13 said:
Why was the Polish guy standing outside a brothel all night?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green.


not funny at all. stupid, I'd say as most of the Polish don't bother wheter the light is red or green to cross over :D

you know, I don't really understand these "ethnic" jokes. most of them are not funny at all...
 
"What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor. "

ROFL, i don think anyone that doesn live in the states can truly appreciate this magnificent joke lol.
 
Found this in another forum (many also apply to the U.S.):

Why I'm Proud to be British

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!
 
Quite a lovely place, indeed :D
I like this the best:
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
 
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