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The joke thread

Horizon

Sempai
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smurf said:
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

How is that bad...? o.0? ☝


Anyway, pretty funny jokes so far! :p Unfortunately though, all I have is one:

Q: What do you call an Indian who graduates from medical school?
A: A doctor, you rascist!


😌
 
S

smurf

Guest
Horizon said:
How is that bad...? o.0? ☝


Anyway, pretty funny jokes so far! :p Unfortunately though, all I have is one:

Q: What do you call an Indian who graduates from medical school?
A: A doctor, you rascist!


😌
Haha I didn't expect the ending to that joke. :LOL: About the joke you didn't understand, let me try to explain it. If you are married to a man and he is a cross dresser then he would dress like a woman. The second part to the joke is he looks better than you which means he looks "better looking" than you. Hope that helps.
 

Horizon

Sempai
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Glad you liked! :)

And I did get it. I got it perfectly. However, I LIKE cross-dressing men. Well, pretty ones anyway...So, bonus for looking better than me too! Me would just absolutely ADORE that/them muchly! 😍

So, yeah...Hence the me not getting how that's a bad thing. 😌

I'm bad...I know. xDD
 
S

smurf

Guest
New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management
 
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smurf

Guest
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
 
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smurf

Guest
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
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smurf

Guest
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.
"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"
 
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smurf

Guest
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ツ“That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!ツ” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ツ“The driver just insulted me!ツ” The man says: ツ“You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.ツ”
 
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smurf

Guest
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
 
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smurf

Guest
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ツ“That's not itツ” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ツ“That's it.ツ”
 
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smurf

Guest
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when this attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
 

jEsteR_bOy

Kouhai
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10 ways to freak out your roommate:

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't
belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor
on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every
day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the
room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at
the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for
you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't
remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I
remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several
weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore
the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then
say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly
that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're
back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying,
''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
 

jEsteR_bOy

Kouhai
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Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a
falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've
worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's
fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that
you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)





2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)





3. Add 5







4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the
calculator






5. If you have already had your birthday this year
add 1755 ....
If you haven't, add 1754.











6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were
born.




You should have a three digit number










The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate
each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! [HECK YES IT IS!]


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER
WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT
LASTS.
 
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