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The joke thread

S

smurf

Guest
Well since there isn't already a specific thread for posting jokes, I thought I would go ahead and make one myself 👍 Well I'll start:

1.) What does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall?
DAMN!


2.) A kid goes up to his father and says, " Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, " No...how old?"

He says, " I' m eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, " Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, " Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, " You' re eleven."

He says, " How could you tell?"

She says, " I heard you tell your father."


3.) From the court room

These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you' ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can' t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, " Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn' t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn' t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
 

shannonlee

後輩
Joined
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Messages
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A man takes his bath tub back to the store complaining it leaks.
The assistance says to the man "well did you put the plug in?"
The man replies outraged "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS ELECTRIC!!!"
 
S

smurf

Guest
shannonlee said:
A man takes his bath tub back to the store complaining it leaks.
The assistance says to the man "well did you put the plug in?"
The man replies outraged "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS ELECTRIC!!!"
Lol, thats pretty good. :p

(Ok this next joke can be kinda disturbing. Consider this a warning!)
Some man is in the bathroom doing his buisness. Well in the stall next to him there is this short guy wearing a green suit. He just happens to glance down at the guys dick and notices how big it is. Not wanting to sound gay or anything he goes to congradulate the guy on his penis size.

Man " Uh, I'm not gay or anything but, I noticed that you have the biggest dick I've ever seen."

Guy "Ie, and I also happen to be a leprechan. So now that you found me out it looks like I have to give you me pot of gold.

Man "No way"

Guy "Ie tis be true, but if I be doing this for you, you have to do something for me first."

Man "For a pot of gold? I'll do just about anything!"

Guy "Well I hate to do it to you my son but I must give you an arse rape.

Man "What!?!"

Guy "Sorry those are the rules. Pot of gold for one arse rape."

Man "Are you serious?"

Guy "Well its over a million dollars."

The man thinks about it, It is only this once, so he agrees to it.

Man "Ok I'll do it."

As the leprechan is doin his buisness...
Guy "So laddy, whats your name?"

Man "Steve"

Guy "Ie and Steve, how old are ya?"

Man "34"

Guy "34 you say? arent you a little old to be belivening leprechans?"

Man "UH, Not again!"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
S

smurf

Guest
A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving." :LOL:
 
S

smurf

Guest
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
 
S

smurf

Guest
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forget the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day he's completed his work and is about to pack up his things when the lady of the house enters the room with a pack of cigarettes and says "I found this pack of cigarettes in the driveway so they must belong to you. By the way my parakeet is missing, you haven't seen it have you?"
 
S

smurf

Guest
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.
 
S

smurf

Guest
How do you apologize to a guy who's impotent?

Hey, no hard feelings, huh?




>This is creepy!
>
>
>
>
>
>Think of a letter between
>A and W.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>
>Repeat it
>out loud as
>you scroll down.
>.
>.
>.
>
>.
>.
>.
>Keep going . . .
>Don't stop . ..
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>Think of an
>animal
>that begins
>with that letter.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>
>.
>.
>Repeat it
>out loud
>as you scroll down.
>.
>.
>
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>Think of
>either a man's/woman's
>name
>that
>begins
>with the
>last letter
>in the
>animal's name
>.
>.
>
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>Almost
>there........
>.
>.
>.
>
>.
>.
>.
>.
>Now
>count out
>the letters
>in that name
>on the fingers
>of the hand
>you are not
>using to
>scroll down.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>Take the
>hand you
>count ed with
>and hold it out
>in front of you
>at face level
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>Look at your
>palm
>very closely
>and
>notice
>the
>lines
>in
>your
>hand
>.
>.
>.
>.
>Do the lines
>take the
>form of the
>first letter
>in the
>person's name?
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>.
>. Of course not...
>.
>.
>.
>Now smack
>yourself in the head, get a life,
>and
>quit playing
>stupid
>e-mail games!
 

Kara_Nari

Angel of Life
Joined
13 May 2005
Messages
1,154
Reaction score
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Smurf, thanks for them, they are great, oh.. and the other people who posted too.
I cant think of anything humerous today, but when I do, I shall be back.
 
S

smurf

Guest
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"
 
S

smurf

Guest
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.
 

Mars Man

先輩
Rest in Peace
Joined
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Messages
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LOL to the max !! :LOL: Lots of good morning fun, a bundle of laughs with a warm cup of coffee !! GREAT !! And, I'll just keep on reading, 'cause for those who know my style, can probably guess, I'm just no good at all with joke telling. . . I don't know why. So I apologize for not being able to contribute, but will gratefully enjoy, and enjoy, and enjoy, and........... :)
 
S

smurf

Guest
Four ladies were on the golf course playing a round. The group before them teed off, and strolled down the fairway for their second shot. The ladies watched as the group of men walked ahead of them, and decided that they could tee off because they wouldn't be able to out-drive the men in front of them. The first three placed their tee shots well in back of the group ahead, but the fourth lady really got a hold of one, and it headed right for the group of men. Then, one man let out a loud scream, and fell to the ground with both hands sandwiched between his crotch. The lady ran to him and said, "I'm sorry, let me help, I am a registered nurse." as she moved the guys hands away and started massaging his crotch. Soon his moaning started to fade, so the lady asked, "Does that feel better?" and the man replied, "Lady, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
 
S

smurf

Guest
Two men were playing golf when a funeral passed by. One of the men got down on his knees and said a prayer.

"Wow, said the other, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

"Well," replied his freind, "I guess its the right thing to do, we were married for over 20 years"


-----------------------------------------------------------------

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things
a bit clearer.

IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK !!
 
S

smurf

Guest
SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS

- "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."(Alan Minter)

-"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

- "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)

- "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett)

- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)

- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)

- "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

- "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)

- "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

- "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

- "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

- "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

- "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

- True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as
they were laughing so hard!
 
S

smurf

Guest
A well-dressed man holding a brief case walks into a ***** house, and asks the madam for Natalie. The madam tells him that Natalie is the most popular of all the girls there, and that she charges 1000 dollar a night. The man reached into his brief case, pulls out ten fresh Ben Franklins (100 dollar bills) and hands them to the madam. Natalie came down to greet him, and off they went to her room for fun.
The next night, the same guy goes to the ***** house again, and asks for Natalie. The Madam tells him the same price to which he obliges.
The next night, the man comes in and asks for Natalie again. As he gets to the room, Natalie is very impressed with the man, and says,
"No one has ever asked for me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
"Philadelphia"
"No kidding? I'm also from Philly. Whatcha do for a living?"
"I know where you're from, I'm a lawyer. Your father passed away, and I have been asked to give you this 3000 dollars from his will."

Which just goes to show that you always get f**ked by lawyers.:LOL:
 
S

smurf

Guest
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone--don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jerk!" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word '*ss hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a jerk!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'jerk' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said,"That's because you're a jerk!"
So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some kid in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first jerk (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW jerk, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're a jerk!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea:
I called jerk #1. "Hello"
"You're a jerk!" (but I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?"
he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed,
"Make me," I said.
Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my
black Beemer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now,
Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah,
like I'm really scared, jerk."

Then I called jerk # 2:
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello jerk," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, jerk,
here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew. Now, I feel better.
 
S

smurf

Guest
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
S

smurf

Guest
True legal cases going on around the world (well now, I bet YOU feel better about your life than you did before!!)

Kangaroo Attacks Woman in Her Garden:
A kangaroo viciously attacked a woman in the northern outskirts of Brisbane, Australia, as she picked roses outside her home. Police report that the Kangaroo is also wanted on other charges

Nun Accused of Driving Tractor While Drunk:
A Polish Benedictine nun is facing jail for driving a tractor into a car while drunk outside her convent in south-western Poland.

Woman Convicted for Petting Dog:
A California woman, who petted a dog belonging to an ungrateful owner, has pleaded guilty to two misdemeanours — trespassing and prowling — and has been sentenced to 75 hours of community service and a year of probation.

96-Year-Old found with Crack Cocaine:
A 96-year-old woman facing drug charges in North Carolina says that she does not know how the crack cocaine found on her by deputies got into her wheelchair. The nonagenarian, named Julia Roberts, was charged with possession of crack with intent to sell and deliver, and with possessing a crack pipe. She was freed pending a hearing March 30.
 
S

smurf

Guest
Lost At Sea


Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
 
S

smurf

Guest
Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when
I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for
the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel
manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". @!#$
right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the frig would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butts!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the friggin floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the?? Life is the longest @!#$
thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, puddinhead?
 
S

smurf

Guest
The Good - The Bad - The Ugly

It Can Always Be Worse


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
 
S

smurf

Guest
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband
s sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs.. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a
headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even
taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs.. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how
things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was
immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the
same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love
to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be
able to show my face in McDonald's again."
 
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