Not-So-Offensive Rated PG-13 Jokes
- Thread starter Golgo_13
- Start date
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #2
Why was the Pepsi Cola employee fired?
He tested positive for Coke
If you go into the bathroom as a japanese and come out American, what are you while you're inside?
European (pronounce it very slowly and you'll get it)
What happened when the butcher backed up into a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender says "So, what's with the long face?"
What's an illegitimate Rice Crispie?
It has no "Pop".
What kind of cocktail would you have if you mmixed vodka, orange juice, and Milk of Magnesia?
Phillips Screw Driver
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
If they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels
When is a door not a door?
When it's a jar (ajar)
Terrorists now have suicide bombers with explosives packed onto donkeys.
They call it "weapons of *** destruction."
The cable station ESPN-2 has just negotiated the rights to broadcast the World Origami Championships live from Tokyo.
Sadly, it's only available on Paper View.
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor
He tested positive for Coke
If you go into the bathroom as a japanese and come out American, what are you while you're inside?
European (pronounce it very slowly and you'll get it)
What happened when the butcher backed up into a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender says "So, what's with the long face?"
What's an illegitimate Rice Crispie?
It has no "Pop".
What kind of cocktail would you have if you mmixed vodka, orange juice, and Milk of Magnesia?
Phillips Screw Driver
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
If they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels
When is a door not a door?
When it's a jar (ajar)
Terrorists now have suicide bombers with explosives packed onto donkeys.
They call it "weapons of *** destruction."
The cable station ESPN-2 has just negotiated the rights to broadcast the World Origami Championships live from Tokyo.
Sadly, it's only available on Paper View.
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #4
I got beat up by a Tai Chi expert. It took him 30 minutes and I got hit twice.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #5
Patient: I had this weird dream. I was a car but there was no engine, no seats, no wheels, I was just the chassis.
Doctor: You were just having an "Auto-body" experience.
----------------------
How does a "high-tech" childbirth work?
The baby comes out cordless.
Doctor: You were just having an "Auto-body" experience.
----------------------
How does a "high-tech" childbirth work?
The baby comes out cordless.
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #6
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop
singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
*****************************************************
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a lettuce leaf sticking
out of his ***.
Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."
The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
****************************************************
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a strawberry growing out
of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
****************************************************
A man's four-year old son came home from Sunday school. When
he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for
a minute and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family
had their penises criticized?"
The father laughed and told him the term was 'circumcised',
but the answer was still yes.
****************************************************
"The new candies get their names from things people exclaim,
like, "Bonkers!" or "Nerds!" And I got to thinking...wouldn't
it be funny if they based a line of candy on something my dad
exclaims frequently? I don't know about you, but I'd get a kick
out of candy called, 'Where's the Damned Scotch!'"
---Bob Oshack
"My orgies are like the Special Olympics. Lot's of drooling,
but everybody's a winner."
---Matt Weinhold
****************************************************
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that
can't."
---Abe Lincoln
Only in America can a poor black boy (Michael Jackson)
grow up to be a rich white woman.
****************************************************
I was in a gas station the other day and a man was getting gas
and he was smoking a cigarette. I went inside to pay for my gas.
The man outside somehow caught his arm on fire. He came running
inside the store, and the clerk shot him. I asked the clerk why
he shot the man and he said, "He had a fire arm!"
***************************************************
The U. S. Military fitted an F-16 fighter jet with spray nozzels
and a big tank filled with liquid Viagra and sprayed it all over
Afganistan and within five minutes the little ***** popped right up!
***************************************************
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to
anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some
of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and
her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he
was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to
name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina,
and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
**********************************************
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."
singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
*****************************************************
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a lettuce leaf sticking
out of his ***.
Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."
The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
****************************************************
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a strawberry growing out
of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
****************************************************
A man's four-year old son came home from Sunday school. When
he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for
a minute and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family
had their penises criticized?"
The father laughed and told him the term was 'circumcised',
but the answer was still yes.
****************************************************
"The new candies get their names from things people exclaim,
like, "Bonkers!" or "Nerds!" And I got to thinking...wouldn't
it be funny if they based a line of candy on something my dad
exclaims frequently? I don't know about you, but I'd get a kick
out of candy called, 'Where's the Damned Scotch!'"
---Bob Oshack
"My orgies are like the Special Olympics. Lot's of drooling,
but everybody's a winner."
---Matt Weinhold
****************************************************
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that
can't."
---Abe Lincoln
Only in America can a poor black boy (Michael Jackson)
grow up to be a rich white woman.
****************************************************
I was in a gas station the other day and a man was getting gas
and he was smoking a cigarette. I went inside to pay for my gas.
The man outside somehow caught his arm on fire. He came running
inside the store, and the clerk shot him. I asked the clerk why
he shot the man and he said, "He had a fire arm!"
***************************************************
The U. S. Military fitted an F-16 fighter jet with spray nozzels
and a big tank filled with liquid Viagra and sprayed it all over
Afganistan and within five minutes the little ***** popped right up!
***************************************************
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to
anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some
of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and
her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he
was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to
name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina,
and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
**********************************************
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #7
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with
the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep ****."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with
the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep ****."
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #8
Go to work? Or go to prison?
IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK..they are called managers
Have a Great Day at WORK! 
IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK..they are called managers
Have a Great Day at WORK!
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #9
Okay, some of these may be rated-R :
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
To them, "Love" means nothing.
What did John MacEnroe, the pro tennis player, say to his wife in bed?
"Bullschidt! That wasn't inside! What are you, blind?"
What's so fun about going to bed with an optometrist?
All night long he goes "Is this better or is that better? Is this better or is that about the same?"
What's so fun about going to bed with someone who works at an employment agency?
She gets undressed, gets into bed, and says "So tell me, what kind of position are you interested in?"
:sorry: 
:sorry:
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
To them, "Love" means nothing.
What did John MacEnroe, the pro tennis player, say to his wife in bed?
"Bullschidt! That wasn't inside! What are you, blind?"
What's so fun about going to bed with an optometrist?
All night long he goes "Is this better or is that better? Is this better or is that about the same?"
What's so fun about going to bed with someone who works at an employment agency?
She gets undressed, gets into bed, and says "So tell me, what kind of position are you interested in?"
:sorry: :sorry:
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #10
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She
said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch..........naked.
-----------------------------
KIDS!!!!!!!!! They say the Cutest THINGS!
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother... Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing
the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as
she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs,
unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always
said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the
hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
:sorry: :sorry: :sorry:
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She
said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch..........naked.
-----------------------------
KIDS!!!!!!!!! They say the Cutest THINGS!
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother... Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing
the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as
she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs,
unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always
said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the
hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
:sorry: :sorry: :sorry: 
sadakoyamamura
Danshaku Sadako
- 30 Dec 2003
- 281
- 4
Golgo_13 said:WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She
said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch..........naked.
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #12
Golgo_13 said:Okay, some of these may be rated-R :
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
To them, "Love" means nothing.
What did John MacEnroe, the pro tennis player, say to his wife in bed?
"Bullschidt! That wasn't inside! What are you, blind?"
What's so fun about going to bed with an optometrist?
All night long he goes "Is this better or is that better? Is this better or is that about the same?"
What's so fun about going to bed with someone who works at an employment agency?
She gets undressed, gets into bed, and says "So tell me, what kind of position are you interested in?"
What's strange about going to bed with an Atheist?
All night long she screams "Oh!! My non-existent spiritual being !!!!!!!!"
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #13
There was a corpse found in Yankee Stadium yesterday.
NYPD detectives are suspecting foul play. 
THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
BY "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER"
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have nonemployees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
THE GOVERNATER
NYPD detectives are suspecting foul play.
THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
BY "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER"
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have nonemployees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
THE GOVERNATER
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #14
As it were, an Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive. -"What about trying Viagra?"- asks the doctor. -"Not a chance,"- she said. -"he won't even take an aspirin." -"Not a problem,"- replied the doctor. -"drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later, but what she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."
"Really? What happened?"- asked the doctor. -"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
-"Why so terrible?"- asked the doctor. -"Do you mean the sex was not good?" -"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!"
:sorry: :sorry: :sorry:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
It wasn't a week later, but what she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."
"Really? What happened?"- asked the doctor. -"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
-"Why so terrible?"- asked the doctor. -"Do you mean the sex was not good?" -"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!"
:sorry: :sorry: :sorry: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #15
Math Trouble
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, "Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?"
The girl replied, "No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!"
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, "Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?"
The girl replied, "No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!"
Golgo_13
先輩
- 27 Nov 2003
- 2,001
- 37
- Thread starter
- #16
Upstate New York Jokes
Jeff Foxworthy on Upstate New York
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Upstate New York.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Upstate New York
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Upstate New York.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Upstate New York.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Upstate New York.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:
1. "Vacation" means going South past Albany for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Albany.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Upstate New York friends.
Jeff Foxworthy on Upstate New York
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Upstate New York.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Upstate New York
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Upstate New York.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Upstate New York.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Upstate New York.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:
1. "Vacation" means going South past Albany for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Albany.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Upstate New York friends.
Lina Inverse
後輩
- 29 Apr 2004
- 1,700
- 49
From these jokes I get the feeling that it should be named "Upstate New Siberia" rather than "Upstate New York"
