Negative Culture Shock, How do you Deal?

[Treky]

Hey everyone this is my first time posting. I have been living in Japan for almost a year now. I lived here before for a year but there was a gap in between where I returned to the sates for a few years and then came back last August to work. I recently have been experiencing the negative aspects of culture shock. I love living here and contributing to society as a teacher with my work but some days I just want to shut myself inside and watch bad American sitcoms to ease my anxiety. Have any of you experienced the same things? I'm mostly aiming this question to people who have lived in either Japan or other foreign countries for a long extended time in the work force. I felt like when I studied abroad it was quite different and I didn't experience the same culture shock as I am now.
If you have experienced the negative aspects, how do you ease yourself out of it? I know that some people call this "Phase Two-ing" in the ALT community, I guess this is the best way to describe my feelings.

I'll give you a few examples of what has been really really upsetting me lately. Constant, elongated stares from almost everyone, being ignored (or they just run away from me) in super markets when trying to inquire where to find something, being told your wrong constantly, feeling left out and isolated because of the language gap, misunderstandings with what people mean (example: Co worker says something like... "We have an important meeting today so don't wear anything bright like red" So does she mean that I should never wear red to work ever because it's too bright..or does she mean that she doesn't like my red shirt I wear sometimes....or just don't wear red to this meeting...?).

Anyways, recently I've been feeling so tired after work because of all of the above...and also because of cultural fatigue which ties to much into this. I'm wondering how do you guys do it and stay here for so long without snapping sometimes. Halp!

 

[Mike Cash]

Welcome to JREF.

Have you ever dropped a big rock in a pond and noticed that the size of the waves diminish the farther they get from the initial splash point? Your ups and downs here will be like that.

Language gap sucks, but if or how long it persists is a matter up to you; only your own determination and hard work can eliminate it.

Wrapping yourself in a cocoon may bring temporary relief, but it won't fix anything. Try not to overindulge in it.

Nobody stares at me, nor have they for a very long time. Perhaps you're just better looking than you think you are.

 

[Treky]

Welcome to JREF.

Have you ever dropped a big rock in a pond and noticed that the size of the waves diminish the farther they get from the initial splash point? Your ups and downs here will be like that.

Language gap sucks, but if or how long it persists is a matter up to you; only your own determination and hard work can eliminate it.
.

Yea I've had a few ups and downs recently, this is my first down thats been longer than a few weeks, and I've been experiencing bits of homesickness here and there as well. I hope I can get back up there and I'm trying to help myself by appreciating all the good things that happen are that I see throughout the day. As for language, I realize its a long process and I know I'm getting better everyday but sometimes I have days where I wont understand a thing and then the next day I'm understanding everything. And haha maybe yea they may be looking at me that way, or possibly just curious.
Thanks for the reply. Do you have any ways you deal with cultural fatigue, if you get it at all?

 

[Mike Cash]

I've been blessed in never having had it and never having been homesick.

 

[nice gaijin]

Sometimes you just gotta remind yourself that your life is awesome. And if it's not, ask yourself what can you do to change that. It sounds like your current anxieties are more internalized than real external problems; this is a good thing, because all you need is a change in perspective.

Getting stared at is nothing you have any control over, unless you wear outlandish outfits. It sounds like you're being overly self-conscious, which leads you to be sensitive when you notice people looking at you. Look around for methods to cope with being self-conscious. My recommendation is to wear outlandish outfits and dance wildly on the subway; get used to being stared at, then it won't bother you anymore. Be comfortable in your own skin.

Work on your Japanese. Focusing on this will 1) give you something to work towards and have a goal you can enjoy approaching, and 2) probably reduce a lot of your communication problems. The more Japanese you understand, the more you'll understand Japanese culture, and you'll be able to better handle the situations that are causing you stress.

It's fine to get homesick. It's fine to escape a little, but I agree with Mike that you shouldn't get used to doing it all the time, or then what's the point of being an expat?

 

[Majestic]

I first came to Japan on a year contract. This was back before the internet, before cheap international phone calls - the communication dark ages, basically. When I got the contract I was so happy. It really was my dream to come to Japan, and being able to come here to work, to live, to experience everything, to learn Japanese...it was everything I had hoped for and I was determined to make the most of it. I didn't want to waste any time wishing I was home, or doing something counter-productive. I did want to go back after a successful year and tell everyone about my experiences in Japan. I felt that, for example, if I had a diary of my year in Japan, any day with an entry that complained about homesickness, was a day wasted, and it was a day I could never recover. There were things I missed - and looking back now, I can say those things were trivial. I did have days where I just wanted to "coccoon", but those days were few, and they really are a waste of your precious year (or however long) here in Japan. Allow yourself a bit of down time, don't wallow in the fact you are not at home (remember why you came here), get plenty of rest so you are not confusing exhaustion for depression, go easy on the booze as this can be a depressant, be thankful for skype and youtube and all the conveniences, and make the most of your time here in Japan.

My guess is that you are not getting stared at nearly as much as you imagine (it is sort of a symptom of paranoia that comes with not being fluent - again, this too shall pass). Getting told you are constantly wrong; look at this objectively. If you really are wrong wrong, fix it and move on. If you are not wrong (or if you think you are not wrong) its OK to push back. But, being the outsider here, there is a strong possibility that your initial assumptions or reactions about things might indeed be wrong. Hierarchy is a thing in Japan, and knowing which battles are big and which battles are not worth freaking out over, is a skill that goes a long way. Office decorum is also a thing - so the advice about your clothes may actually be some nice advice, but if you are worried about it get a second opinion, or ask the same co-worker if she thinks your red shirt is OK for days when you don't have meetings. You have more power than you think you do. Its OK to say, "I don't understand".

 

[Mike Cash]

Building on Majestic's last remark...

You can also say "Please teach me".

I have long noticed that when I need some information from Japanese people there is a noticeable change in their demeanor when the words おしえてください are used as compared to other phrasings. The level of helpfulness and solicitude goes WAY up. I suspect the same would be largely true even if done in English.

On a tangent:

I think the Internet has made it very easy to be a foreigner in Japan. Unfortunately, it seems also to have made it easier to isolate yourself in the gaijin bubble or a personal cocoon as well.

 

[Treky]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think though, a lot of being stared at has to do on where you live. I live in an extremely rural area, not a big city. So its more like I'm one of the 4 white people in the whole town. Today for example, I was waiting at a stop light and some guy in a car slowed down and stuck his whole head out of the car to get a better look at me. Made me feel like I was a zoo animal on display. Does that make sense? This is the kinda staring I'm talking about. Or another example, I was buying bread at a bread shop and a 15 year old girl comes over (literally inches away from me, too close for comfort) and looks at my tray of bread (I had 5 breads, for breakfast and lunch), looks back at me, looks back at the bread, back at me, then gives me this skeptical look and I was like thinking "Are you seriously judging me because I have five breads on my tray???!" and I kinda give her the get away from me look and she walked away. These are just a few example of "inaka" life. After stuff like this constantly happening even just a simple elongated stare on a train gives me the creeps and I kinda just go somewhere else. As for the clothes I wear, I usually wear really simple business casual clothes, nothing crazy.

As for language I totally agree! I've been studying every day and learning new words and grammars on the daily. And I've noticed that I've improved tenfold since I first came here, even though I have been studying for five years in college actually being here really makes the difference. And yea, I think I really just need to ask people directly if there is an issue or ask people what I did wrong and how I can fix it.

 

[Majestic]

Haha - aah, the days of getting stared at. Listen, the population of foreigners where I first lived was: Majestic. I know inaka. Not only did people stare at me in the supermarket, the news of my purchases spread around the town and were the subject of office smalltalk the next day. Good times. But this is starting to sound like a Monty Python sketch.

So, anyway, I know what you are saying. Sometimes you just want to get a litre of milk, anonymously, at the convenience store. You don't want every trip outside to be a safari-land adventure where you are playing the part of the lion. But, presumably you are here for the experience, the road less-traveled. You don't have to like all of it. But you will get through it. And people are judgmental creatures - especially kids. Its OK. You don't need to react to everything. Is your current gig over in August? If so, you are on the home stretch. It will be over in no time.

 

[Mike Cash]

Alright, for the people like in your story just ask

どうかしましたか？ or なにかごようですか？ and enjoy the reactions.

I live in Gunma and I haven't the slightest idea how many foreigners there are in my town, as not a single one of them is a personal acquaintance of mine.

 

[Treky]

Is your current gig over in August? If so, you are on the home stretch. It will be over in no time.

Nah I signed on for another year, and my initial plan was for three years and then try and get into grad school in Tokyo but part of me is like...can I really do this? Yea I think I need to just kinda...grow a backbone when it comes to those types of situations and stop caring so much. Thanks for the reply. I think you totally get the "inaka" life haha.

 

[Treky]

Alright, for the people like in your story just ask

どうかしましたか？ or なにかごようですか？ and enjoy the reactions.

I live in Gunma and I haven't the slightest idea how many foreigners there are in my town, as not a single one of them is a personal acquaintance of mine.

Haha I actually do say that when I'm in the mood to and most people freak out haha and get the hell out, which is amusing because they assume they don't think you can speak Japanese right away. This happens sometimes when people are talking about you and you kinda go in there and be like "Wait you don't like my _____" or "I can hear youuuu~".

 

[WonkoTheSane]

Within every experience is a positive and negative, depending on how you respond.

Just think how many friends you'll have if you smile and say hi to everyone who stares.

If you have a mouse in your house which you can't get rid of you can either hate the thing and have a pest or name the thing and have a pet. It's all up to you.

 

[think_too_mut]

@OP:
" I recently have been experiencing the negative aspects of culture shock. I love living here and contributing to society as a teacher with my work but some days I just want to shut myself inside and watch bad American sitcoms to ease my anxiety."

Having lived in various countries for years, I can tell you that "cultural shock" is not what you are experiencing.
The "cultural shock" is when you look with disdain at everything in the new environment, idealizing what you left at home.

Like in Disneyland park, everybody in Japan has a role to play. Your role is to play a foreigner.
Japanese will, even after years of your presence, take you as a foreigner, bend backwards to assist and help, playing the role of the host in their domain.
Maybe, in "inaka", their role is to be shocked and awed at the sight of a foreigner + to be helpful?

As for language, a week after I had arrived to Japan in September 2003. ,in my office, my colleagues told me: "Don't bother to learn Japanese, it will always be crappy and useless anywhere other than in "nomikai" (office drinking party). Don't make *** of yourself trying to do something you are bad at.".
And I have not only lived, but prospered without one single word of Japanese uttered ever since.
Just now, that I am a permanent resident and may stay here longer than I thought (perhaps forever) I started learning Japanese using "Kumon" method, advertised in Japan Today. It's great but not necessary.

 

[Mike Cash]

God spare me.... another "no matter how you live here you'll always be an outsider" post.

It would carry more authority if you hadn't admitted you just cheerfully gave up any pretense of attempting to use the language or assimilate and instead just put on the gaijin bubble like it was your favorite cardigan.

They really ought to institute language requirements for permanent residency. I can't understand the foreigners who take a perverse pride in not learning Japanese.

 

[think_too_mut]

Of course you can not assimilate here. Anyone can become American, Canadian, Australian but noone can become Japanese. As simple as that.
Yes, I took a pride not to make an idiot of myself by babbling Japanese that I don't know well. Japanese first, would rather die than do something they are not good at.
Now, I am learning it, for myself, it won't improve my business life an inch.

Edit: Japanese have changed the PR law in 2014, removed 10 years requirement and interview (interview in Japanese, reading, writing, 100 kanjis and replaced it with 3 years ) with what PR by marriage was and no need to even see an applicant. I submitted the application for my family at the counter and next thing was a postcard after 6 months to come and get the PR.
Japanese are going opposite to what you said, making it easier for people to get PR, not harder (as you wish).

 

[Mike Cash]

Of course you can not assimilate here. Anyone can become American, Canadian, Australian but noone can become Japanese. As simple as that.

Uniformly, that is the position taken by people such as yourself who have never even tried.

The "no matter how long you live here and no matter how well you speak Japanese you can never xxx" people generally haven't lived here long, don't speak Japanese well, and have never tried xxx.

The statement is just a self-serving excuse.

 

[think_too_mut]

I was born as something else. Became Australian 25 years ago. Easy. Lived in US, no difference.
Even Japanese can become Australian or American. But other way round does not and never will work. Don't delude yourself.

 

[Mike Cash]

I love it when people who have never tried tell others what they can or can't do.

Should I also not bother learning Japanese?

 

[think_too_mut]

Lived in Thai (married there) 3 years, never learned a word.
True, in Thai, US, Australia, Singapore, Japan - I came for other things that I know and can do, the language was immaterial as everyone in the company speaks English.

Don't know what you know, you may have no choice when it comes to earning for the living?

 

[lanthas]

Treky: your posts reminded me of the author behind the ZoomingJapan website (a German woman living in Japan), who has had very similar experiences.

I was sitting in a Starbucks and there was this little girl with her family right next to me. The little girl turned over and had her face only a few centimeters away from mine. She kept staring and staring… I couldn't enjoy my coffee at all.

I had kids point at me, screaming: GAIJIIIIN!!! Of course, everybody else immediately turned over to "look" at me.

And, perhaps, most tellingly:

If you have to deal with staring in Japan every single day for many years it can get very exhausting.

Unfortunately, it looks like she, too, doesn't really have a "solution" other than to just accept it (and occasionally react in Japanese as already suggested here).

 

[WonkoTheSane]

It's fear. People who refuse to speak Japanese because they'll 'make an *** of themselves' are really just saying they're too cowardly to expose their weakness.

I'm not saying I'm any better. I fight my embarrassment all the time. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. Just today I wimped out, but tomorrow is another day.

 

[think_too_mut]

No Japanese can leave high school without having memorized 5,000 English words. Dropouts are statistical error. Basically, anyone born after 1945. has passed through that routine.
Still, Japan is notoriously non-English speaking. Not that they know nothing, they simply don't want to do things they are not good at. Like foreigners, most would not dance and sing drunk as Boris Yeltsin did.

 

[Mike Cash]

No Japanese can leave high school without having memorized 5,000 English words..

Basically, anyone born after 1945. has passed through that routine.

Maybe you should have learned the language a little bit. Then you might not so easily get busted taking out your ***.

Source: 学習指導要領の改訂に伴う学校英語教科書語彙の時代的変化 ―1980 年代から現在まで―

 

[think_too_mut]

What I said came from a book, "Learning to Bow" by an American teacher (Bruce Feiler) who spent 1 year teaching in Tochigi . He was sent by US Ministry of Education (or what it is called there) by invitation of Japanese Government.
Quite an informative book, no reason not to trust him.

Still, your googling shows considerable number of words. If my 5,000 words were for Uni entrance, does not change much.

In a non-English speaking country, English lessons equip students with 600 words they can use on their own + more they can recognize.