LAME joke

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
 
I don't know if this one was told before or not, but here is my lame joke:

A school teacher, lawyer and a philanthropist where killed in a traffic accident. While they were waiting to see Saint Peter at the Gate to Heaven they started a conversation on what they would like people to say at their funeral.

The school teacher said, "I would like them to say that I was a very dedicated teacher who always though of her students first and that their welfare, character, and learning was very important and she took the utmost care and attention to help develop her student to be good citizens…blah, blah, blah."

Then the philanthropist said that he wanted them to say at his funeral, "He was a man who cared about others and was selfless in serving others, and doing his best to defeat hunger, poverty, and improving the quality of live for the less fortunate. He spent millions of dollars and large amount of time to do the best he could while he was alive. He lived his life to the fullest.


Next the lawyer said," Look everyone, they are still breathing!"
 
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I heard this one from the movie rocky.

Q. Why do cows wear bells?






A. Cos their horns don't work.

haha its so dry that its funny.
 
Q. Why did the rooster laugh at the egg.

A. Because it had a good yoke.
 
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
-------------------
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
--------------------------
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
--------------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow" `
-------------------------------
 
Joke!!!

On day a group of hunters' lost in the forest and they are thinking how they can get out of here.One hunter and says:
-Why don't someone of us simple shoot in the air? Maybe someone will hear us and will come to help .
One guy shoot , but nothing was happening .Then the hunters ask him again :
-Fire one more time.
He shoot , but still is nothing .
Then they asked him once more time
-Fire one more time.
-I can't .
-Why you can't?
-Because I'm out of arrows 😊
_________________________________________________________________
Sorry if I made some big writing mistakes
 
A policeman arrested two suspicious characters one night. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. After careful consideration he decided to charge one and let the other one off.
 
Ok, i have a bad joke- its really bad.


Two cows are in a feild, munching away on the grass...

After a while, one cow goes "moooo....", afterwards the other cow replies and says "damn i was just about to say that!"





leonmarino said:
Which reminds me of this one:
Two atoms are having a conversation:
A: I think I've lost an electron..
B: Are you sure?
A: Yes, I'm positive!!
Click to expand...


I think i just died a little bit inside reading that one 😌 .
 
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I am so bad at jokes...so might as well...

This rope shyly walks into the club. A beefy bouncer police-walks up to him, leans in his face just a tad, and says, "Hey, stringy, didn't you read the sign? 'No ropes allowed!'" He then ushers the rope to the door.

The rope, in all eagerness to get in, kind of loosens himself up a bit, and strolls back in. The bartender calls the bouncer over and says, "Hey, isn't this guy a rope?" The bouncer then escorts him to the door one last time, reminding him that ropes are not allowed in.

In total frustration, the rope then goes through a number exotic yoga twists and bends, bounces around in the parking lot a bit, then makes his way back into the club. The bartender calls the bouncer over and after a bit of sizing him up, ask, "Aren't you that rope guy again?" to which he answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."

(and boy ain't I full of it today...well, it's a long weekend...)
 
In the surreal bar of joke world a boiled sweet and a peice of chewing gum are sat at a table talking. All of a sudden a cough sweet enters the bar and the piece of gum says that he has to leave. when asked 'why?' by his companion the gum says:

"I'm not staying here, that guy's menthol!!"
 
@Pavel-san: man that ain't a joke, thats what happening in Israel/Palestina!!! :o

there is a joke i've heard from a belgian against me (japanese)

the belgian and the japanese guy are sitting in a bar,
suddenly the japanese guy gives a lowkick to the belgian,
bamm* why did you that for said the belgian (its called karate its from japan)
some minutes later.....
the japanese guy gives a punch in the face of to the belgian,
*bammm the belgian is feeling dizzy and he after some minutes he replies why did you do that for?
japanese guy anwsers thats ju-jitsu from japan,
after some minutes the belgian leaves the bar,

he goes outside,
.
.
.
.
.
he goes to his car,
.
.
.
he grabs something from his car,
.
.
he enters the bar,
walks straight to the japanese,
and bammmmmmmm* hit the face of the japanese guy
after beeing ko the japanese guy asks: why did you do that for?

wich the belgian replies: it's from my Toyota, also from japan.
 
I was feeling depressed the other day, so I phoned the Samaritans and got put through to a call centre in Pakistan. When I said I was feeling suicidal, they asked if I had a pilots license.





I know, I know, I should be shot for such things, but I found it so funny.


One of my all time favs:
A teacher at a kindergarten wa asking her class about their name and where they came from.
She asked the first girl and she said, "Rose"
"And why is that?" the teacher asked.
"Well when I was in my mummies tummy a rose petal fell on her tummy and she named my Rose."
"That's nice." the teacher said, "What about you?" She asked another
"Pansy" said the second girl.
"Why's That"
"Because when I was in my mummies tummy a pansy petal landed on her tummy and she called me Pansy"
She then asked the Third girl "What's your name?"
And the third girl answered

"BREEZEBLOCK!"


I'm sick, I know, but it always make me laugh.
 
Here's an oldie but a goodie:

Q: Why did the man take a coil of rope to a baseball game?
A: To tie the score!

HA! Sometimes, I just kill myself!

:D

P.S.
Yo, Mycernius, perhaps I'm just as warped as you are, but I got a chuckle out of the suicide hotline joke. Heh!
 
Back in the surreal pub of joke world two pieces of tarmac (one black and one red) were sat drinking. All of a sudden a large piece of green tarmac comes in and the piece of red tarmac gets up to leave. When his companion asks why the Red tarmac says.....

...wait for it......

"I'm not staying here, that guy's a cycle path!"
 
This is one that I learned from the ghetto:

In the ghetto a lady had a child and she named him "a black man from across the street, and I'll kick your @ss from street to street"

The child went to school and the teacher asked for his name, he replied "I'm a black man from across the street, and I'll kick your @ss from street to street", she sent him to the principle's office.

The principle asked the child "what is your real name?" the child replied "I'm a black man from across the street, and I'll kick your @ss from street to street" so she called the cops because she felt this was a threat.


The cop said "Son, what is your name?" the child replied "I'm a black man from across the street, and I'll kick your @ss from street to street" , the cop got mad and shop him in the head.

The child went to heaven and God asked "what is your name?" he replied "I'm a black man from across the street, and I'll kick your @ss from street to street", so he was sent to hell.


He wen to Hell and the Devil said "what's your name?" the child said "I'm a black man from across the street, and I'll kick your @ss from street to street"


The Devil said "really?", "well, I'm a red guy from below the streets and I'll burn your @ss from street to street".

====================

A gay guy, a fat guy and a rich guy died and God gave them another chance, he said "Change your ways or you'll die" so the rich guy bought a dough nut factory and he died, because he was eating a doughnut when he died the doughnut rolled on the floor.


The fat guy bended over to pick it up and the gay guy died

=================

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 ate/8 9

================

Can you hint what I'm saying:


Alpha Kenny 1

(I'll f**k any one)

+++++++++++

and that's all I acn think of
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A: A prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.

:D
 
This is the final one .. I promise...

Back in the surreal pub of joke world a packet of crisps and a packet of pork scratchings were sat drinking. All of a sudden a large packet of cashews comes in and the packet of crisps gets up to leave. When his companion asks why, the packet of crisps says.....

...wait for it......


...no really, wait for it......



"I'm not staying here, that guy's nuts!"
 
arpgme said:
A gay guy, a fat guy and a rich guy died and God gave them another chance, he said "Change your ways or you'll die" so the rich guy bought a dough nut factory and he died, because he was eating a doughnut when he died the doughnut rolled on the floor.


The fat guy bended over to pick it up and the gay guy died
Click to expand...

So did the fat guy die?
 
why do the american troops carry car doors with them when they are walking in the desert??

so if they feel hot they can open the window and get some wind :P
 
Three men were lost in the outback and were tired an hungry. They come upon a dead camel and decide to share the meat out.
The first man says that because he supports Liverpool he'll have the liver
The second says that he supports Hearts so he'll have the heart
The third man says he supports Arsenal but he's no longer hungry.
 
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This one's not too lame, but...

Whats the difference between a Harley and a vacuum hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.
 
God, thanx for Redd Foxx.
A guy and his new, young girlfriend went to a drive-in theater.
They ordered popcorn, sodas, and candy and stuff.
The flick began, and just as it was getting into the story, the young girlfriend looked out the window at the next car.
It was movin', shakin', goin' up & down, and she asked her boyfriend, "what are they doing over there?" He said, "oh, they're just making sandwiches."
The flick went on and soon she looked at the car on their other side.
It was movin', shakin', and goin' up and down, like the other one.
She asked her date, "what are they doing in that car?"
He said, "They're making sandwiches, too."
Then she said, "well, I want to make some sandwiches like everybody else!"
So they got in the back seat and started making them sandwiches... makin' them sandwiches.
Soon, the movie was over and it was time to take the girl home.
When they got to her house and she walked in, her pops was waiting for her in the living room.
Pops: "Girl! What on Earth have you been doing!?"
She said', "Oh, don't worry dad. We was just at the movies making sandwiches, that's all!"
He said, "Well, I suppose that's mayonaise running down your leg, then, huh!?"
 

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