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Help Describing Things In Japanese

imyourjoy

Kouhai
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I am working on a short dialogue about describing the present I got on my birthday. Please let me know if it's grammatically correct or not, and are there places where I can improve my dialogue.

my dialogue goes like this:
こんにちは、わたしは___です。

これは グッチの シャツです。

このシャツは きょねん たんじょうびに ともだちに もらいました。

ともだちは にほんの はらじゅくで このシャツを かいました。

それから わたしのうちで おくりました。

このシャツは しろい です。

そして くろいです。

このシャツは 10600えん です。

すてきですが たかいです。

これは いい プレゼントです。

ありがとう ございました。

There is one part in particular that I feel like I need to change. I feel like my dialogue is not ended nicely. Could I say じゃ ありがとうございました? Would that make the transition towards the ending smoother? Or can I add そろそろしつれいします before saying thank you? Any help is very much appreciated, thank you in advance!
 

Toritoribe

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それから わたしのうちで おくりました。
Probably you wanted to say "(my friend) presented (the shirt) to me at my home", but it doesn't make much sense. I would say わたしのうちで プレゼントしてくれました。.

このシャツは しろい です。

そして くろいです
I would say シャツのいろはしろとくろです。

ありがとう ございました。
How about to end with とてもうれしかったです?
 

imyourjoy

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Probably you wanted to say "(my friend) presented (the shirt) to me at my home", but it doesn't make much sense. I would say わたしのうちで プレゼントしてくれました。.
Thank you for your response! What I intended to say here is "my friend shipped the present to my house". Hence I used the verb おくりました.

How about to end with とてもうれしかったです?
I have not learned this phrase tho, my sensei might not accept this phrase in my presentation. Does ありがとう ございますsound very weird to you?
 

mdchachi

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If so you can just say
それからわたしのうちにプレゼントをおくりました。

Is the ありがとうございました related to the dialog or are you addressing the class/teacher as if to say "I'm done, thank you"?
If it's the latter, it's odd because you're talking about a gift your friend gave you and your friend isn't there. So who are you thanking?
I think you can just remove it.
 

imyourjoy

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If so you can just say
それからわたしのうちにプレゼントをおくりました。
Thank you for your reply! Should I use particle で afterうち since うち is a place?

Is the ありがとうございました related to the dialog or are you addressing the class/teacher as if to say "I'm done, thank you"?
If it's the latter, it's odd because you're talking about a gift your friend gave you and your friend isn't there. So who are you thanking?
I think you can just remove it.
Yes, I'm trying to thank the teacher/class for listening.
 

Toritoribe

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で indicates the location where the action is done, so it's the location it is shipped from when it's used with おくる.
e.g.
ゆうびんきょくでてがみをおくりました。
I sent a letter at the post office.

The action "to ship/send" is done at Japan, not your house, right? That's why で is wrong there. (Incidentally, から is more common to indicate the location it is shipped from.) に is used to indicate the delivery destination, as mdchachi-san wrote.


By the way, おくる also means "to present/gift (贈る in kanji)" other than "to ship/send (送る in kanji)". That's why I initially interpreted your sentence as "(my friend) presented (the shirt) to me at my home".
 
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