Why do only few Japanese men go for Western women?

[WhiteRabbit]

Hey there,

I am sure you've gone through that topic a hundreds of times, but still there might be some new or unsaid opinions out there.
My name is Ina and I'm currently doing my master's resarch on this question, or, to put it in other words, I'm interested in relationship constellations of Japanese and Western Europeans. This idea came up when I lived in Japan and no matter where I was wandering around (Sapporo, Tokyo, Osaka, inaka), there were Westernman-Japanesewoman couples everywhere - but hardly any Westernwoman-Japaneseman couples. Guess there are many theories about it, so I'd be very happy to hear some of them or what observations you have made

 

[akiyamine]

Most japanese men are scared of westernwoman even if they find them very very attractive !
Maybe westerners act too much like VIPs in Japan...

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Hi there, thanks for your reply!

So you think the situation would change when there is a Western woman who is quite shy and not as outgoing as other Western girls? Or would you charactrize it more like a general fear of approaching womean?

 

[akiyamine]

Well I think they have a little fear of being rejected by those Westerns girls wanna-be VIPs walking around in really short clothes, wearing freakin star-sunglasses, talking loud and things like this...
But, if the woman is shy in the sense of not too dominant for the japanese guy, and she is really kind and not too judgemental, then there is a chance!
Still there are exception but very few in my opinion...

For the westerner man, Japanese girls are so easy to get because they are admiring you very easily, no matter how beautiful and hard-to-get she tries to be...

 

[nice gaijin]

The problem isn't the way western women act, it's the popular impression of them that causes Japanese men to either pursue or shy away from them.

In other words, it's just another form of prejudice.

 

[zoomingjapan]

I agree with nice gaijin!
C'mon you can't seriously think that all Western women here act the same!
I've been in Japan for about 5 years now. I get the "bijin", "model" compliments every single day, but yet I haven't even had a single date!
My female Japanese friends say that Japanese guys are just too shy and are afraid that their English isn't good enough.
Prejudice!
My native language isn't English and I speak Japanese at a very advanced level, but I'm too shy to just go guy-hunting.

I have a few Western friends who have Japanese boyfriends or husbands, but ALL of them live in big cities (mostly Tokyo).
I've always only been in the boonies - and it's a whole different story here.

I think a lot of Japanese men find Western women attractive, but are too afraid to make a move because of some common prejudice!
Western women are loud, stubborn etc. etc.
If I look at some Japanese women, then I think some of them are much louder and super stubborn.

I guess you won't know for sure until you interview a few Japanese guys, but as Japanese often tend to not tell the truth in these cases, you might never find out the truth.

 

[Orange]

It might be Japanese women who are "strange", rather than it is Japanese men. In the US, most of Chinese and Koreans go out with or marry only someone who shares the same ethnicity. Japanese women seem to be the exception among Eastern Asians to go out with Americans.

 

[ewww]

In the US, most of Chinese and Koreans go out with or marry only someone who shares the same ethnicity.

I think that depends from region. That is not a true in DC are and in NYC. I think that ethnical constrains became weak once people are going to college or university.

From the other side, I know couple asian guys, who were dating western girls for long time, but both brought fiancees from mainland. One of them told me something like that: "I am serious scientist, and my wife should work alot and she should not distract me". He-he, he got his master in Canada, he got his phd in states, he likes classical music and opera. Once he told me that he feel himself more as western guy than asian.

just 2 cents

 

[nice gaijin]

It might be Japanese women who are "strange", rather than it is Japanese men. In the US, most of Chinese and Koreans go out with or marry only someone who shares the same ethnicity. Japanese women seem to be the exception among Eastern Asians to go out with Americans.

I would avoid making assertions in such general terms. There is plenty of interracial dating across the board.

And what do you mean by "Americans"? American is not an ethnicity.

 

[Orange]

I would avoid making assertions in such general terms. There is plenty of interracial dating across the board.

And what do you mean by "Americans"? American is not an ethnicity.

My bad, I apologize. What I meant is that Chinese and Koreans tend to find their mates from their own groups, where Japanese tend to find their mates beyond their own race/nationality.

But, in any case, we are not talking about this in absolute terms, because we all know that some Japanese men do go out with Western women (I did, too.) So, I am not claiming that no Chinese are dating non-Chinese.

I gave a second thought to this, and I checked what the situation is like in the US, and found that Asian-American men are facing the same predicament as Japanese guys are facing in Japan.

http://www.isteve.com/2003_census_interracial_marriage_gender_gap.htm

I found it interesting that African-American women are the polar opposite to Asian-American men.

 

[Glenski]

My bad, I apologize. What I meant is that Chinese and Koreans tend to find their mates from their own groups, where Japanese tend to find their mates beyond their own race/nationality.

Where did you get that information?

That makes no sense because if it were true for Japanese, the way you wrote it would imply that most Japanese men don't marry Japanese women, which is totally false. The foreign population in Japan is only 2 percent of the total, and most of them are Chinese or Korean.

Note: Most Japanese male - foreign female marriages are with Asian women from nearby countries, not English speakers.

 

[Orange]

Where did you get that information?

That makes no sense because if it were true for Japanese, the way you wrote it would imply that most Japanese men don't marry Japanese women, which is totally false. The foreign population in Japan is only 2 percent of the total, and most of them are Chinese or Korean.

I used that in the context of expatriates in the US.

 

[Mike Cash]

I used that in the context of expatriates in the US.

This being a Japan related forum we are apt to take references to "Japanese men" as meaning "Japanese men in Japan" rather than Japanese men who have emigrated or American men of Japanese ancestry. (And, yes, there is a distinction between those two was well).

 

[Orange]

This being a Japan related forum we are apt to take references to "Japanese men" as meaning "Japanese men in Japan" rather than Japanese men who have emigrated or American men of Japanese ancestry. (And, yes, there is a distinction between those two was well).

I think Japanese men who have emigrated are still Japanese men. So are American men who emigrated to Japan still American men. When people in Japan say Americans, they mean both Americans they see in Japan and Americans in the US. In any case, in the original post, I wrote "in the US".

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Hi guys, diving it late, so sorry for the uncordinated answers....

Just a few days ago I read an article about interracial marriages and it said that a few decades ago, marriages between two people from a different culture was more often found in groups were education was considerably low. But nowadays, that changed and is more commonly found in areas were education is higher. This research focuses on individuals living in the US, but this might also be true for Japan. Personally, I got the feeling that much more young people go on with university or college after high school compared to European countries and therefore more people might obtain a higher education. So kind of loosing my train of thought here... So it be that interracial dating/marriage in Japan might occur more often when higher education, international experiences, wealth or abroad studying or something are involved... What do you think?
I know these observations are biased as it's not representable for whole Japan, but with the few maleJapanese-femaleWestern couple situations I've seen so far, the Japanese man had always had an education abroad (at least for a year) and spoke fluently English. But still, I couldn't say that the fact he spoke English was a main point in this, as their Western girlfriends were all fluent in Japanese as well (so normally there was no language barrier). Did you have the same experiences?

---------- Post added at 23:15 ---------- Previous post was at 22:51 ----------

@zoomingjapan
It's funny that you say that, but I've stayed about 1 and half year in Japan and had just one date :? It was a big surprise to me because back in Germany, it happend from time to time that a guy introduced himself at a bar or something. But in Japan: zero. Don't want to complain about it or something, but I somehow felt a bit left out. The Japanese guys seemed too shy to talk to me and the Western guys in the club were mainly interested in Japanese girls (they were happy to have some beers with me, but there was already the bottom of possibilities).
Also - sorry, that's just my experience and I don't want to draw any conclusions with that - after nothing happening, I once took the lead and asked a Japanese guy out. We've been in the same train nearly every morning for weeks and one day I said hi to him and we started talking. He was really nice and therefore I asked him out. The first date went well (typical movie and dinner thingy) but the second one a few days later was quite a suprise. He hardly spoke to me and started rushing off to somewhere, didn't tell me where to. So I tried to catch up with him until we ended in front of a love hotel. He wanted to go in there with me to "talk", nothing more. As I said no, he was looking at me totally confused and asked me why I did ask him out then. When I told him that I thought he's nice and I wanted to get to know him, he was still confused and got pushy about the hotel thing. This was a really new experience for me, because just the fact that I asked him out - instead of the other way around - seem to make him think that I was mainly interested in sex. I know, it's just one example and might have gone totally different with any other guy, but this kind of stopped me for a while to take the lead with Japanese guys
Sorry for all the babbling, just a story I had to think of when you said that people told you how beautiful you are etc. but somehow everyone else got a date but you

 

[nice gaijin]

No one seems to have mentioned that one's cultural upbringing is an important factor in determining the way they interact with the opposite sex. Combined with cultural prejudice, the way people interact also sets up certain expectations for how things will go. In Japan, relationships are built on introduction, "soto" and "uchi" and all that stuff. People do not approach strangers, which is why bars and pubs are places you go together with friends, not to meet new people. If you're going around asking strangers out, you're looking to dip outside of your own social circle, which could mean that you're looking for a clandestine affair. At least--in a society of relationships built on pre-existing interpersonal connections--that's what it may seem like.

You asked a stranger out: this is a bit aggressive but probably not too uncommon in your own culture. To him, it set up a whole other unintended set of expectations because that's not how men and women approach relationships from his cultural upbringing. Can you blame him for misunderstanding your advances and thinking they meant something a bit more tawdry?

It's these expectations, misunderstandings and miscommunications that lead to the prejudices I mentioned earlier, and the cycle perpetuates itself.

 

[FinancialWar]

Because we Asians don't have the confidence, I think you know why...

 

[Shimada Kanbei]

Have you looked at the total number of foreign male residents vs. female residents in Japan? If there were much more foreign males in the country, for example, it would obviously follow that you'd see more foreign males period, whether single or dating a Japanese woman. I don't know for a fact that there are more foreign men in Japan than women, but perhaps you should try and uncover that important information, as it could be a big factor in why you don't see as many foreign women with Japanese men as foreign men with Japanese women--the simple fact that there aren't many foreign women around.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Thanks, that's actually a very good explanation and gives quite a new insight into what he might have thought about the situation. But I guess the disappointing part was not that there was a misunderstanding (that happens all the time), but more the fact that he wouldn't give the possibilty (that I asked him out to get to know him) any space, but insisted on that I had sexual intensions - even though I explained him everything. But it's true, it's quite difficult to adapt to new patterns when you grew up in one culture, it's an experience I have so often when I'm in Japan.

Actullay, I do know the numbers for male and female Westeneres in Japan. Around high school/university times, the gender distribution is quite equal, but after 25 up to like 45, there are about twice as much Western man in Japan than women. But still, I wouldn't say that there are only twice as much Westernman-Japanesewoman couples as there are Westernwoman-Japaneseman couples, but maybe like 20 or 30 times more (sorry, just a rough guess). Do you agree?

 

[akiyamine]

Maybe japanese should be more manly to go with western women haha jk

 

[Rinoue]

Hello,

There was a similar post with the same question so I'm going to cut and paste what I posted there:

I'm a bit late to the game here, but maybe I can help a bit, at least to explain a couple of reasons that possibly could be why.
I asked my relatives and friends this (I'm a japanese guy btw, not that that's anything special, just saying).

What some of the guys I asked said were "I'm interested, but why start a relationship when most of them return to their home country? I'm not really interested in living abroad if we decide to continue the relationship" which makes sense to me.

Another one I heard was "Some of those women are intimidating, I feel like they'll just laugh at me and be like "lol go out with you?...yeah no..". which sounds more like a personal problem with his particular confidence, which is hindering anything from blooming.

Here's another "not sure about others but for me I don't want the headache of constant miscommunications because of cultural difference and what not, I just want a women where I don't have to worry about that and just have a normal relationship."

So varying reasons, and I'm sure this isn't all of them, just the ones I heard.

 

[sapub]

wonderful discussion
enjoy it!

 

[Mike Cash]

wonderful discussion
enjoy it!

Thank you. We'll try.

 

[GaijinPanda]

I see that this is an old thread but I wanted to share my recent issues with this.

I live in a small area of Japan. Very few people speak English where I live and I am the ONLY female gaijin who lives in my city. (I know this for a fact) I moved here over a year ago and when I arrived I was in a relationship with a guy back home in the US. We were together for a year but then couldn't do the distance. I have no intention of leaving Japan anytime soon and possibly wouldn't mind living here for the rest of my life. I am very attracted to Japanese men but it's practically impossible to figure out anything. I have yet to go 3 days without someone telling me that I am very pretty and complimenting different aspects of my body or personality.

My neighbor works with me and everytime we go to staff events he is always saying how much he likes me and people always applaud what a good pair we make. We have gone to dinner alone twice but neither time was classified as a date beforehand. I saw it more as a 'English/Japanese' session but when the waitress asked if that was what we were doing he said we were friends. We have also hugged twice (both times he had been drinking). Both times the hugs caught me off guard because he acted as if he never wanted to let go. During our dinners he confided a lot about his personality and how he feels about things to me and kept repeating that he is very shy. Also, when we first met he would always seem to make a point to let me know that he was single. Now it has been over a month and he still acts very fond of me at work parties but we haven't hung out or talked outside of those parties or work. I don't get it at all. He is a shorter guy and everyone at work says he is ugly or to short or has a baby face but I think he is incredibly handsome and not to short! I've made a point to defend this impression of him publically when they pick on him because it bothers me. He has feelings and even though they are joking I know from our conversations that these jokes actually hurt his feelings.

I know that no one could tell me what is going on in his head because you don't know him but has anyone ever been in a thing like this before?? What am I supposed to do? I've gotten to the point that I just kinda ignore the idea of us anymore because I too am tired of dealing with whatever cultural barrier is between us.

I think the stereotypes on Japanese men, especially where I live, are off. I love Japanese men. They are so caring and loving fathers and funny and smart and have some of the best laughs I've ever heard. I feel that I will be very lucky if I ever get into a serious relationship with a Japanese man but I do worry that might be unlikely. This is becoming a serious issue as to if I should remain in Japan because I have no desire to be single for the rest of my life or always chasing after or being chased by guys who wouldn't see me as a real marriage material.

Thoughts?

 

[Rinoue]

@ GaijinPanda

I'm bluntly just going to suggest to ask him directly?, since it sounds like you guys have already had some close personal talks to some degree, I would say the only step left before you give up is to ask him directly how he feels, and let him know how you feel as well of course. Just my 2 cents, this is what I would do if I was in a situation like that.