why can't I...?

[mika_r]

Have you ever felt in love? How does it feel?
Well x) my problem is that I'm 17 and that I've never felt in love! I think it's weird because almost all of my friends have at least kissed someone.



The thing is that I'm waiting for someone special but I just can't find him!
maybe it's because I'm to strict? I don't know but if I continue like this I'll waste all my youth! This is really bothering me.




Thank you.

 

[Damicci]

Only fools fall in love so when your feeling pretty stupid over someone that's probably it.

 

[ArmandV]

Only fools fall in love so when your feeling pretty stupid over someone that's probably it.

Why do birds sing so gay?...

 

[Mars Man]

I can feel for you mika_r san. . . and hope you will feel love relatively soon. At the same time, however, I would strongly urge you to try to NOT let it cause worry or concern.

Falling in love is primarily a chemical reaction in the body, mostly the brain, which is there for procreation. It is not a state that lasts forever, at all. In fact, it may actually last up to some 3 years at the most--on the overall average at the highest end. (meaning there may be that occasional, very rare case where it lasts longer)

The 'kick-in,' or degree of effectiveness of the hormonal mixes on the brain will be different for different brains at different times. That will be felt as a 'degree' of 'being in love.' For yourself, it could be a matter of low 'kick-in' up to this point in your life. It could also be a matter of sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation comes in three basic catagories: hetro, homo, and a. Then, there are possible combinations of these. The last catagory is where there is no essential attraction for the opposite or same sex; that is when a person's eros is said to be a low function.

How do you feel about your pull towards the opposite sex? Based on general observations, if you have a strong eros, you will fall in love easily--being 'pulled' (actually your own brain is pushing, though) towards the male function. If you have a weak eros, you will not.

BUT...please do not worry about missing out on your youth !! There are so many other things to do and especially learn !!! Being in the state of 'having fell in love' is very envigorating, emotionally stimulating, and gives a person a 'high,' but is not the only thing in life...especially at your age.

Anybody can kiss, perhaps, but that doesn't mean that much. The act of sexual touching can be done without being in love, and that's just that...no biggy. Think now, more so of your future, possible 'love.' Think of that time when your being 'in love' can be more fully expressed by the sexual act and that results in having a family①. Prepare for that now, by especially education !! Learn as much as you can. Experience as many different kinds of things as you can, and BE POSITIVE and PRODUCTIVE in becoming a full-rounded, and wonderful woman to fall in love with !!!

① This is not to say that sex before legal marriage is wrong or no good, but simply to say the likely the more fully involved and rewarding sexual intercourse is that with the willful and conscious effort of making a child...that's all.

 

[SushiShin]

enjoy your life! you only live once in this world! So grab whatever you can! don't waste your time and go out there, even it's not really your taste i'm sure then you have experienced : LOVE

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

You'll fall in love when you meet the right person- however i don't personally believe in "love at first sight", all i think that is just "lust at first sight".
Lust can be a very powerful thing, i think a lot of people underestimate it and i think a lot of people confuse lust with love because it can be such a powerful and amazing emotion. IMHO Only when you have been going out with someone for a while can you know whether you are feeling lust or love.


Trust, you will find someone special, however i think people can be too strict with their ideals (but i also often think that people don't give themselves enough credit because of low self-esteeem or whatever)- at the end of the day, just don't judge people too much, no-one is perfect, the best way to spend your time is just getting to know people and building friendships with people. When you are least looking for it, love will find you this way, so until then just have fun .

At least for me...Relationships are not something you really look for, they just happen when you find that "spark" with someone you like, and besides, guys get freaked out if you have the whole relationship planned out before you've even been going out with him for a week.

 

[Haruspex]

Hahh, reach your ultimate goal in life, once you did that, you will feel the love, you will learn to love yourself like no one else can. As for sexual orientation, as Mars Man pointed out, asexualism might happen as well, although, thats up to you to find out.

 

[tokapi]

There is someone for everyone,your own instinct tells you when the right person comes along.

 

[mika_r]

Damicci:

lol thanks, I'll considerate that.

Mars Man:

How do you feel about your pull towards the opposite sex?

I'm pretty normal. lol, but I'm sure to be heterosexual. The problem is that I am scared to fall in love.
your answer has help me a lot, thank you.

Herbal Shin

even if it doesn't go with my personality I'll give a try!


Tokis-Phoenix

maybe I fear lust? I don't know, lol.
anyway, I'll have as much fun as I can.
thanks.

Derfel

xD I truly wish i'm not asexual.
thanks

tokapi

that's the way I see love *-*.
thanks.

and... Thanks to all of you xD

 

[Haruspex]

Derfel

xD I truly wish i'm not asexual.
thanks

Hmm, well, being asexual sure has its merits... after all there's one less instinct binding you. Well, subjective opinion.

 

[Mars Man]

It was very thoughtful and 'human-at-heart'ful of you to respond to each person that had answered or commented to your OP !! That is so good a thing, and is so sweet of you !! Thank you mika_r chan !!

I would like to bolster a few points here, if I may. We can fairly say that the 'lust' that Tokis-Phoenix chan had highlighted is otherwise called 'eros.' She is most correct in saying that it is very powerful a thing, and that by itself, it is not really defineable as 'love'--in the way we usually take it. For that, we have to have at least three matters--eros, philas, and agape.

I tend to agree with Derfel's conclusion that asexuality can be a more 'less expensive trait'--in the evolutionary manner of speaking--although, it is not as productive a function (obviously) for the species. Some of the stuff I've seen put out by asexual people or groups is pretty nice though. I like the women's underwear with the 'Hey, it's just underwear; get over it !' printed on it. That is exactly right !! And that's the way ti should be!! A girl goes to the beach in a bra and panties only and it's taboo...but the bikinis you see are quite the very same thing??? Society has it wrong here. So what if the short highschool girl's dresses may allow the underwear to be seen...it's just underwear, get over it !!! (is what I want to say)

OH...OK...off topic a bit, sorry. NOW mika_r chan, after hopefully doing some introspection, you have said that maybe you fear 'falling in love.' The next thing that I will ask you to think about is why?. . . After some deep introspection and reflection on your personal history, the environment that you were fostered in by your parents, siblings, and relatives--as well as society at large--what do you think is the root cause for that fear?

This is very important, mika_r chan, please do think carefully about it, and please do let me know what it is you find...either here, or by PM...if you feel concern about being so public with it. I look forward to working with you on this to see what can be learned in order to help you with concerns in your life.

 

[bakaKanadajin]

mika_r:

Love is something that changes its definition throughout life. What you want now may be completely different from what you want when you're a little older. I think it's really nice that you are searching for LOVE instead of sex, as sex seems to have become the new 'love' among young people. So your starting point is great. However love is so complex that looking for it is going to be difficult since you don't technically 'find' it, it simply develops over time with the right person.

I'm 27 years old, I'm not old but I'm certainly not within your social bracket anymore. That's not to say we couldn't get along, but things are different enough that we could be saying the same words to each other and have completely different intentions and experiences behind them. That being said, I can attest to the fact that between .. let's say, 17 and 25, you will grow and develop immensely with regards to your mental, spiritual and emotional intentions and expectations. Priorities will change. Don't pigeon-hole yourself into looking for massive and lofty ideals at such a young age! Don't be in a hurry to grow up. Just let life unfold and don't miss the forest for the trees.

 

[Kinsao]

I don't think you should worry about finding love, but rather enjoy life, and at some time, love will find you. Life is a very dynamic and complicated thing; there are times you think you love someone, then later on you feel that wasn't 'love' at all, as things in your life change... but that's okay... life is like that. If you feel like you are with the 'right' person at any one particular time, enjoy that time and that moment... if it is meant to last, it will last, and if not, it is all part of experiences.

And, as people have said, of course it's different being 'in love' to being 'in lust' too - although no reason why both cannot be enjoyable! ;-)

I think of 'love' as not something that I am in, but rather something that is in me.
Good luck and enjoy your life.

 

[Haruspex]

Well my opinion is that love shouldn't be the final goal of your life, we sought love for long enough, everything was about love and reproduction for the past few thousand years, now is the time to change it. Proven or not, it seems obvious to me that as time passes we are beginning to overcome our instincts. I won't be there to see it, but i hope, i do believe a time will come when we will absolutely liberate ourselves of such reflexes. Im not a zoroastrist or anything, but i think religious dualism has a point, we ought to rise from the gutter.

 

[Mandy]

Mika, don't hurry. You're not wasting any time.
What you're friends are feeling is probably not love, but lust or infatuation.
Don't rush into it, just have fun and be friends, love will come with the right person at the right time.

 

[stuysly]

Mika-san, Love i believe is something you cant look for, real love is something that happens from within, first learn to love yourself and that will come out and others will love you... before you know it you will be head over heals in love with someone... Some people spend there hole life looking for it and never find it.... just be yourself! thats all you can do!

Hope love finds you within

 

[Haruspex]

Lets put it like this, you've never felt it, cool, you're still alive and kicking right? Awesome, now, doesn't this prove the fact that you can handle without love?

 

[El P8s]

Just waiting won't get you anywhere there is a german saying "selbst ist der mann/ die frau" just go up to people you find attractive they'll probably be positivly suprised men and women both like to be flattered so if you make the first step they will feel attractive and therefore connect you to a positiv feeling and if that doesn't work the first time just keep on trying maybe he or she just wasn't your type.

 

[Haruspex]

Nah, some people are not like that. Not everyone can and will walk up to strangers. And it can't be helped, its not because they're shy for no reason, but because keeping distance is one of the traits of their personality. Discretion and safety above everything is what they have before their eyes... you could say.

 

[stuysly]

Im a bit like that, i've been in Tokyo three weeks now and starting to find it a bit lonely, but that more down to me being to shy when i see a very attractive girl... i think the fact my Japanese is still very broken so puts me off a little...lol

 

[Oren]

Have you ever felt in love? How does it feel?
Well x) my problem is that I'm 17 and that I've never felt in love! I think it's weird because almost all of my friends have at least kissed someone.

The thing is that I'm waiting for someone special but I just can't find him!
maybe it's because I'm to strict? I don't know but if I continue like this I'll waste all my youth! This is really bothering me.

Thank you.

Do you like anyone, Mika? If you like someone, then don't be so strict. Most guys I know, myself included, HATE bossy women. At first It can be a turn on, but after a while, bossy people begin to sound like spoiled brats, you know. Take it easy. Wally Amos said that "the world is a mirror. Everything that we see in it, we actually see in ourselves." Make sure to look at yourself before being very strict with people because it can be offensive.
You are 17 years old. Your youth is not going away. I'm . . . an adult, and I still have tons of things to learn. Just stay beautiful and take it easy on the guys. Worry about yourself now, and don't worry about love. Love can happen at any time. Any time in life! It's a spirit. Don't forget that. As long as you are kind to people who deserve it, Love will be on your side. Please don't worry about it.

 

[Haruspex]

Bossy women? Hmm interesting, latex eh?

 

[mika_r]

Sorry I'm a little bit late!

Hi! Thanks to everyone who has replied to this thread

Derfel

Hmm, well, being asexual sure has its merits... after all there's one less instinct binding you. Well, subjective opinion.

Sure it has! But I wanna have kids one day so xD, thanks Drefel!

Mars Man

OH...OK...off topic a bit, sorry. NOW mika_r chan, after hopefully doing some introspection, you have said that maybe you fear 'falling in love.' The next thing that I will ask you to think about is why?. . . After some deep introspection and reflection on your personal history, the environment that you were fostered in by your parents, siblings, and relatives--as well as society at large--what do you think is the root cause for that fear?

This is very important, mika_r chan, please do think carefully about it, and please do let me know what it is you find...either here, or by PM...if you feel concern about being so public with it. I look forward to working with you on this to see what can be learned in order to help you with concerns in your life.

its a very personal story that I don't want to reveal in this thread so I've send you a PM.

bakaKanadajin

mika_r:

Love is something that changes its definition throughout life. What you want now may be completely different from what you want when you're a little older. I think it's really nice that you are searching for LOVE instead of sex, as sex seems to have become the new 'love' among young people. So your starting point is great. However love is so complex that looking for it is going to be difficult since you don't technically 'find' it, it simply develops over time with the right person.

I'm 27 years old, I'm not old but I'm certainly not within your social bracket anymore. That's not to say we couldn't get along, but things are different enough that we could be saying the same words to each other and have completely different intentions and experiences behind them. That being said, I can attest to the fact that between .. let's say, 17 and 25, you will grow and develop immensely with regards to your mental, spiritual and emotional intentions and expectations. Priorities will change. Don't pigeon-hole yourself into looking for massive and lofty ideals at such a young age! Don't be in a hurry to grow up. Just let life unfold and don't miss the forest for the trees.

Ok ok. But I'm worried of missing something important ☝ though... maybe I should just wait. ☝

Kinsao

I don't think you should worry about finding love, but rather enjoy life, and at some time, love will find you. Life is a very dynamic and complicated thing; there are times you think you love someone, then later on you feel that wasn't 'love' at all, as things in your life change... but that's okay... life is like that. If you feel like you are with the 'right' person at any one particular time, enjoy that time and that moment... if it is meant to last, it will last, and if not, it is all part of experiences.

And, as people have said, of course it's different being 'in love' to being 'in lust' too - although no reason why both cannot be enjoyable!

I think of 'love' as not something that I am in, but rather something that is in me.
Good luck and enjoy your life.

The problem is that my life is not that dynamic as I wish it was, maybe because I haven felt in love ☝.

thanks!

Derfel

Well my opinion is that love shouldn't be the final goal of your life, we sought love for long enough, everything was about love and reproduction for the past few thousand years, now is the time to change it. Proven or not, it seems obvious to me that as time passes we are beginning to overcome our instincts. I won't be there to see it, but i hope, i do believe a time will come when we will absolutely liberate ourselves of such reflexes. Im not a zoroastrist or anything, but i think religious dualism has a point, we ought to rise from the gutter.

You do have a point but as I said before, love can bring life very dynamic (or fun, or intresting)

Mandy

Mika, don't hurry. You're not wasting any time.
What you're friends are feeling is probably not love, but lust or infatuation.
Don't rush into it, just have fun and be friends, love will come with the right person at the right time.

Thanks Mandy!! that's very encouraging

stuysly

Mika-san, Love i believe is something you cant look for, real love is something that happens from within, first learn to love yourself and that will come out and others will love you... before you know it you will be head over heals in love with someone... Some people spend there hole life looking for it and never find it.... just be yourself! thats all you can do!

Hope love finds you within

Thanks

moffeltoff

Just waiting won´t get you anywhere there is a german saying "selbst ist der mann/ die frau" just go up to people you find attractive they´ll probably be positivly suprised men and women both like to be flattered so if you make the first step they will feel attractive and therefore connect you to a positiv feeling and if that doesn´t work the first time just keep on trying maybe he or she just wasn´t your type.

For me is very hard to do that because of my childhood, but I'll try.

stuysly

Im a bit like that, i've been in Tokyo three weeks now and starting to find it a bit lonely, but that more down to me being to shy when i see a very attractive girl... i think the fact my Japanese is still very broken so puts me off a little...lol

Lol! xD then I hope you find someone and that you can improve your Japanese! (how long are you staying there?)

Oren

Do you like anyone, Mika? If you like someone, then don't be so strict. Most guys I know, myself included, HATE bossy women. At first It can be a turn on, but after a while, bossy people begin to sound like spoiled brats, you know. Take it easy. Wally Amos said that "the world is a mirror. Everything that we see in it, we actually see in ourselves." Make sure to look at yourself before being very strict with people because it can be offensive.
You are 17 years old. Your youth is not going away. I'm . . . an adult, and I still have tons of things to learn. Just stay beautiful and take it easy on the guys. Worry about yourself now, and don't worry about love. Love can happen at any time. Any time in life! It's a spirit. Don't forget that. As long as you are kind to people who deserve it, Love will be on your side. Please don't worry about it.

xD I've gotta recognise it! I'm a little bit bossy xD (but only a little >.<)

xD I'm like those kind of girls who like talking to teachers, (not nerd xD) hums... very independent and quite distracted xD

 

[Lotorie]

I'm 24 and I think I never really been in love.
Attract to men, yes but, if I think of it, not really...

So you have time, lots of time, don't focus on that!

 

[Skullcrushergurl]

Love finds you. If you're worried about it, you aren't ready for it.
Love is no game. Love is not meant to be a fad. Just because all your friends claimed to have had it, doesn't mean anything.
Just relax and have fun. Love is stressful (take it from me!)