The totally barking Agony Aunt thread

[Mycernius]

A fun thread to relieve the seriousness. Just answer the above problem and post one of your own. I'll start:

My little finger on my left hand is thinking about starting a despotic dictatorship in a small country. Can you recommend a small country for him? He would prefer it to be in Europe, good communication links to the shops, but will except other countries.

 

[Flashjeff]

Well, let's see, I'm not totally up on my geography, but how about Switzerland? It's small, in Europe, has lots of good skiing if your left pinky is into winter sports, and the hot chocolate there is said to be to die for. Just for your consideration. Heh!



Oh, yeah! My problem: How can I get Beyonce to notice me, then marry me, even though I'm neither rich, handsome or famous? If she isn't available, I'll settle for Catherine Zeta-Jones or Angelina Jolie. I'm not picky!

 

[Mycernius]

They say kidnapping is a good way to go and locking them up in your basement for years. After years of watching, "Love Jeff" videos they should be your willing slaves. The added advantage is that using this method you can have an army to take over the world. Be warned though a large basement is needed and you could have a visit from some very nice men with big guns, so be sure to have enough coffee for all.


I have a dolphin friend who wants to visit Japan, but has heard that they can be standoffish to strangers, especially if they are from the ocean. Should I tell him not to worry?

 

[Flashjeff]

Sure, your dolphin friend shouldn't have to worry, but if he wants to visit Japan, you might want to consider having him dress up in a disguise, say as a Gundam Seed mecha or a cute magical girl in order to slip him past those irritating fishing ships who'd love nothing more than to turn him into sushi. That sort of thing could kill a friendship, especially when you're having him for dinner. Just a thought.

New problem: Do you know of any websites that offers instructions on how to build and operate your own TARDIS so I can go back in time to 1977 and catch a Pink Lady concert during their salad days, maybe even spend a wild a crazy weekend in the Japanese countryside with the girls?

 

[Kinsao]

Oooh, I don't know of a website that offers that information, but I have a friend who specialises in time machines, so I can send you his email address. ;-) He's running quite a lucrative business from a base in Dorset, sending people off in all directions and dimensions. The only stipulation is that you've got to avoid meeting yourself, because if that was to happen then the entire fabric of space and time would unravel, and we wouldn't want that to happen.

My problem: I am searching high and low for the Perfect Cup of Tea. Does this really exist or am I pursuing the Holy Grail? Does anyone have any hints or information as to where and how I might achieve this goal?

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Sorry....I already drank it.....


My problem is rather mundane. You see I have I have this friend. His name is my name, too. And whenever we go out, you can hear the people shout,
"JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMERSCHMIDT!" What should I do?

 

[Guinea Pig]

Find new friends! lol

I have a pet lab rat that keeps licking me in the face at the worst times! I mean, it's hard to impress the ladies when you have a giant yellow rat stuck on your face!

 

[Flashjeff]

Find a lady who wears a cat around her shoulders. That'll take care of the rat real fast! HA!




Now, how do I go about earning my second million when I haven't made my first yet?

:?

 

[Mycernius]

Use Turkish currency. Easily done


How many woodchucks do you really need to chuck wood?

 

[Grandpa Frank]

Well....

I had 5 trained woodchucks who chucked 1 cord of wood into my cellar in 30 minutes.Soooo, I think 1 woodchuck chucks 1/5th of a cord of wood in 6 minutes; that sound right?


Can I fire my old 38 special ammo in my new .357 magnum handgun without blowing my face off?

Uncle Frank

 

[Anohito]

You don't really want to find out, now do you, Uncle Frank?

Many people say that paper clips breed, but do they breed sexually or asexually?

 

[davetfridge]

Must be asexually as one can become two and then more...

exactly how many roads must a man walk down?

 

[Kirie_Maiden]

It depends on the size of the road and where the man wants to go. For a motorway, the man would need to walk about four or five from one end to the other. If we are talking back alleys, it's probably about 73.

I am being stalked by a man in a large pink elephant suit. How do I make him either go away or take off the suit?

 

[Guinea Pig]

I am being stalked by a man in a large pink elephant suit. How do I make him either go away or take off the suit?

Put a mouse in his suit! As an elephant, he'll be scared out of his skin!

I have absolutely no hair anywhere on my body except for my tongue. Should I get a transplant?

 

[Jygitsu]

Maybe... If your tongue's hair aren't to much

 

[Kirie_Maiden]

No problem above...

My third finger on my left hand is slightly more crved (at a 90 degree angle) than the rest. How do I stop people from calling me???

 

[justin]

Okay. . . I would say steal every phone in the world. That'll teach them not to call you!


My problem: The Zentradi are attacking, but my army of cyber-monkeys are too hungover to fight!

 

[Davey]

Just cut it off.

Doraemon is sexually harassing me when I sit on the sofa.... what should I do?

 

[Mycernius]

Sit on a chair, or move to another city.

My friends aunts neices cousin 3rd times removed on her fathers Grandfathers side, second marriage, is confused. Any suggestions?

 

[Kirie_Maiden]

Ask her what she is confused about and then hit her with a red banana. If that fails, ask her where to get a red banana because then she'll be confused about something ELSE.

I think I am addicted to electrical charges. Know any support groups?

 

[davetfridge]

Yes, they meet in a static Caravan just outside Swindon.

I have an aversion to asking questions.. Can anyone.........

 

[Kirie_Maiden]

Sorry, I have an aversion to answering questions.

My English Teacher is annoyed at me because I keep writing my essays in Latin (Not true... although it would be hilarious). How do I go about teaching him latin so he can read my essays?

 

[Mycernius]

Get a time machine (Kinsao knows a man) and send him to live in ancient rome for a year. He might pick up a few choice Roman insults though.

I have a problem, but I'm not sure what it is, can anyone find out for me so that I can get therapy for it?