- 27 Apr 2014
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- 243
By that reasoning, he should disregard everything that was said in this topic as well, no?
She asked me for the time to decide if to accept kokuhaku
- Thread starter gaijin42
- Start date
- 14 Mar 2002
- 21,056
- 18,912
Exactly my thoughts. Then again, JREF's beyond any such doubts.
Seriously though, lots of good advice in this thread. Good luck to the OP.
WonkoTheSane
先輩
- 12 May 2013
- 1,335
- 311
Probably should... Then go out and figure it out on his own.
- 6 Mar 2003
- 9,319
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You should show her that post and you can both have a good laugh over this whole thing. Mami's right, you do see this sort of thing in Japanese dramas all the time. I suppose it happens in real life but I've never seen it.
- 8 Aug 2005
- 7,316
- 3,727
should've used kabedon, to minimize misunderstanding?
basing your interaction with Japanese people based on what you've seen in anime is like trying to shave with your reflection in the mud.
basing your interaction with Japanese people based on what you've seen in anime is like trying to shave with your reflection in the mud.
- Thread starter
- #56
I came back from home and then we would meet at 16.00 and she would leave before 3.00 in the morning the next day, the next day we would meet again, the day after that again at 15.00 and cook and talk until the midnight, she would even stay over, we would have breakfast, go to a restaurant alone... We are going to London together over the weekend staying at my cousin, she changed her domestic flight so that she could stay longer with me in Tokyo overnight, we could talk for hours and it goes like this...
She wrote me on the birthday card that I am her best friend full of her respect.
On the other hand, when we talked about it, she said she cannot imagine me as her partner and she does not know why. I do not know that either, but I told her that good partners have to be the best friends first. The only way I see that we could stay together is that when we depart from each other she would realize how precious this friendship is and something inside her would change. But now that I know her so well I strongly doubt in this and I fear that I am going to lose a friend who is closer to me that any other person before. Together we are amazed how fast this friendship has progressed in such a little time.
She said we could be meeting even afterwards, I told her I would be happy to do that, but that I cannot follow her her whole life wherever she goes, that that is the privilege of her partner only.
She wrote me on the birthday card that I am her best friend full of her respect.
On the other hand, when we talked about it, she said she cannot imagine me as her partner and she does not know why. I do not know that either, but I told her that good partners have to be the best friends first. The only way I see that we could stay together is that when we depart from each other she would realize how precious this friendship is and something inside her would change. But now that I know her so well I strongly doubt in this and I fear that I am going to lose a friend who is closer to me that any other person before. Together we are amazed how fast this friendship has progressed in such a little time.
She said we could be meeting even afterwards, I told her I would be happy to do that, but that I cannot follow her her whole life wherever she goes, that that is the privilege of her partner only.
- 7 Jun 2008
- 1,029
- 113
If this is still unresolved, I would say she just doesn't feel any chemistry with you.
I don't agree with the "you have to be friends first" adage. I think you feel chemistry, if at all, upon first meeting someone or pretty soon thereafter. When did you first feel sexual attraction to this woman? Early in your relationship, I bet.
For whatever reason, she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about her. It maybe be time to tell her goodbye.
I don't agree with the "you have to be friends first" adage. I think you feel chemistry, if at all, upon first meeting someone or pretty soon thereafter. When did you first feel sexual attraction to this woman? Early in your relationship, I bet.
For whatever reason, she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about her. It maybe be time to tell her goodbye.
- Thread starter
- #58
That is interesting that I did not feel any sexual attraction in the beginning. I know this because she touched me, hugged me, but it did not produce any reactions in my body or my mind. It was only later - when I got to know her more, that I found her very (sexually) attractive too. First, I loved her heart and mind, later her body. By your words, I guess, it is different for most of other people.
I always tried to do my best to love her and to help her. For example, when she was ill, I cooked for her, I stayed with her the whole day and looked after her. But I did much more. After we departed, she wrote to me "...you always helped me with your kindness and big heart... my family thank you and welcome you to visit us
) ..."Now it has been a month and a half since we were together the last time. We are in contact by email sometimes (probably only because of her politeness as she does not want to reject me completely so quickly), but I could sense she is not interested in meeting again... at least not in the near future.
I thought that if I love her very much, it would be impossible for her to reject this great love. Now I understand I was wrong.
So overall, I think we can close this matter. We will not share our lives together.
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Seanit
Registered
- 22 Mar 2020
- 1
- 0
Well I wonder how all ended and I think she is possibly gonna regret it because she liked you and in your story it was obvious for me to figure that out but she was unsure of herself and didn't want to give herself completely to you because she was afried of losing such a good friend. I think she took you for granted and you did the same. If I were you in those times I would've let her go, I would've forget about her maybe at the cost of not seeing her again but at least I wouldn't have tortured myself upon a girl that do not love me and I got to tell you really love her or you really thought you loved her but that's life and I wish you luck wherever you are and I should tell you that right now is good time to call her or contact her if you can. If you win her love and I'm wrong then make sure she makes you happy because you deserve to find someone that loves you the way you loved. I probably gonna write a book of this but don't expect it to be released soon.
Yakumo
Registered
- 11 Sep 2023
- 3
- 0
Hello. New member Yakumo here. Not young, and want to ask about adult kokuhaku.
I love a Japanese woman in her forties.
We have been emailing and writing for four years, and met two weeks ago.
Now we are each on opposite sides of the world again.
I have prepared my kokuhaku on a card, stored away at home for when and if the time is suitable.
But obviously, i am afraid. I don't want our friendship to be the price paid if she rejects my kokuhaku.
Is there an acceptable way to plea beforehand for the friendship, or must all be lost in case of rejection, so i lose my friend as well as being rejected in love?
Thank you for reading.
I love a Japanese woman in her forties.
We have been emailing and writing for four years, and met two weeks ago.
Now we are each on opposite sides of the world again.
I have prepared my kokuhaku on a card, stored away at home for when and if the time is suitable.
But obviously, i am afraid. I don't want our friendship to be the price paid if she rejects my kokuhaku.
Is there an acceptable way to plea beforehand for the friendship, or must all be lost in case of rejection, so i lose my friend as well as being rejected in love?
Thank you for reading.
- 12 Oct 2013
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- 5,023
You've been emailing and writing for four years... wow. Feels like you would know by now from the various signals you might be sending each other, what your intentions are.
And what's the situation with the long-distance romance? You met online? Was there an expectation that the online meeting might result in an escalation of affairs? And this real-life meeting...how did this come about? What were the circumstances? Proper adult dating situations, or was it like some platonic "let me show you around Meiji Shrine and then have a quick coffee before we go our separate ways" sort of thing?
Seems like there is a lot of info missing that might help make a decision.
If everything is merely business, and there is absolutely no indication that she is expecting anything further, then you are probably already in the friend zone, and just enjoy that relationship as it is.
And what's the situation with the long-distance romance? You met online? Was there an expectation that the online meeting might result in an escalation of affairs? And this real-life meeting...how did this come about? What were the circumstances? Proper adult dating situations, or was it like some platonic "let me show you around Meiji Shrine and then have a quick coffee before we go our separate ways" sort of thing?
Seems like there is a lot of info missing that might help make a decision.
If everything is merely business, and there is absolutely no indication that she is expecting anything further, then you are probably already in the friend zone, and just enjoy that relationship as it is.
Yakumo
Registered
- 11 Sep 2023
- 3
- 0
Thank you.
I had told her that i was fond of her long before. And also, we never sent photos. Then, out of the blue a month ago, she said she is coming here with her daughter and wants to see me.
It wasn't a coffee and "see ya." We spent six hours walking and drinking tea in two different places, then visiting the bookshop. We exchanged gifts.
She was so lively and enthusiastic and we spoke in both Japanese and English.
I got an email telling me i was as wonderful as she thought i was.
Her emails are still one a day, even though i worry that she is just being polite because she is Japanese; but when i think about it, her emails were always only one a day.
- 6 Mar 2003
- 9,319
- 9,449
I would say, don't worry about this kokuhaku business. Tell her you how you feel without scaring her away.
And ask her how she feels. And consider the practical aspects. Let's say you both want to be more than just friends.
What would that mean? Could either of you move to the the other's country? If not, the relationship couldn't move much beyond where you are now anyway.
And ask her how she feels. And consider the practical aspects. Let's say you both want to be more than just friends.
What would that mean? Could either of you move to the the other's country? If not, the relationship couldn't move much beyond where you are now anyway.
- 12 Oct 2013
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I couldn't agree more. You don't need to overthink "kokuhaku". It just means professing/confessing your feelings for someone. It's not some required ritual that you have to follow. It's not something that demonstrates your appreciation for the culture. You'd make a far better impression if you told her how you felt, and then told her how you see things progressing.
Tea and presents and emails - its all a bit vague to me. All Japanese exchange gifts. Its just a way to show kindness. I still don't know how you guys met, and the daughter is a new angle, but no matter. I don't need to know the details. You are both old enough to sort this out in a straightforward, mature way (i.e. no need to resort to gimmicks). Just say your feelings for her got even stronger since you met, and ask her if she would be open to dating.
And then, as @mdchachi says, you'll have to follow through with some plan to meet her either over there, or pay for her to come to see you, otherwise you are just pen pals. Her kid is in school in Japan? So what happens to the kid? She must be in high school, I suppose. Maybe already getting ready for university entrance exams. Presumably you would move to Japan to live with them there? Are you able/willing/prepared to do that? Can you provide for them in Japan? Does she have parents? Are they in good health, or do they need looking after? A woman who is an only child will not be able to leave her parents very easily. And then there is the question of your parents. Similarly, its tough to live in a foreign country with aging parents in another country. If you have considered these details, and have some idea of how you deal with these as a couple (or as a family) she will be more impressed with that than some kind of ritualized confession of love.
Tea and presents and emails - its all a bit vague to me. All Japanese exchange gifts. Its just a way to show kindness. I still don't know how you guys met, and the daughter is a new angle, but no matter. I don't need to know the details. You are both old enough to sort this out in a straightforward, mature way (i.e. no need to resort to gimmicks). Just say your feelings for her got even stronger since you met, and ask her if she would be open to dating.
And then, as @mdchachi says, you'll have to follow through with some plan to meet her either over there, or pay for her to come to see you, otherwise you are just pen pals. Her kid is in school in Japan? So what happens to the kid? She must be in high school, I suppose. Maybe already getting ready for university entrance exams. Presumably you would move to Japan to live with them there? Are you able/willing/prepared to do that? Can you provide for them in Japan? Does she have parents? Are they in good health, or do they need looking after? A woman who is an only child will not be able to leave her parents very easily. And then there is the question of your parents. Similarly, its tough to live in a foreign country with aging parents in another country. If you have considered these details, and have some idea of how you deal with these as a couple (or as a family) she will be more impressed with that than some kind of ritualized confession of love.
