my long distance relationship

[LilKewtyChic]

hey guys...ive been wanting some advice
me and my boyfriend have been having a long distance relationship for about 10 months....we are both really into each other and i think its true love...but lately ive doubts about us...i dont really understand..but ive been feeling down...and i wont be able to talk to him until next week because he is in ireland with his family...

any helpful words?

 

[Reiku]

Alot of times with long distance relationships it can be hard to maintain the intensity of the emotion. That does't mean what you feel isn't genuine, just that it's harder to feel strongly about someone that isn't there. Without their words or actions or any of the many little things you like about them there to keep the fire going, it's only natural that it would die down a bit..

A similar thing happened to me. I had been in a (very) long distance relationship for some time, and due to the distance and our lack of money for a big phone bill, the only way we had to keep in touch was by email and forums. Unfortunately, something came up and my internet access was out for almost a year. After such a long time of barely being able to keep in contact, our feelings for each other waned signifigantly, and after a while she sent me a message saying that she realized now that she wasn't realy in love with me, and that she was now engaged to someone else...

...fortunately for me, that engagement didn't work out, and when I finally got back online we found our feelings for each other rekindled almost instantly--we're even more in love now than we were before. She lives in another country, (on the opposite side of the planet) so we very rarely get to see each other, and even communicating online is difficult because of the 12 hour time differance--but despite all that's happened, we are still very much in love.

So I guess my advice is to stick with it, distance and hardships always put strain on a relaionship--but when they are over you may find that your feelings for each other have only grown stronger.

Crap, now I feel all sappy and sentimental--I'm going to find something to hit...

 

[Fehrant]

This is a very delicate topic. As a matter of fact, I wasn't going to post at first, my only interest in this board being japanese, but since I do have some experience on the matter, I'd like to put my two cents here, and give you a different opinion from what most likely people will say.

First off, if you are looking for people to pat you on the back and say it'll all work out, I'll disappoint you. Life isn't that easy-going.

A [love] relationship by definition involves physical presence (note that I'm not saying "contact", so please don't misunderstanding and think I'm talking about sex). To put it simple terms, if someone in China loves someone in Alaska because they saw each other once for a short while, but neither of them is likely to see each other again, that's not a relationship, and will not work out.

Normal relationships are hard enough as it is. Long distance relationships requiere patience... well, anyone knows that. However, the patience they requiere should be a countdown for seing each other, and therefore being able to develop the relationship properly. If you will rarely see the person at all, and neither you, nor the other can picture a moment in the future where you'll be able to see each other as much as you need to, then that will most likely turn out tragically. In fact, I'd pressume that out of 10 self-proclaimed "distant relationships" only 2 are successful. It takes a lot of effort to maintain it, as well as absolute and complete trust in the other person. If you doubt for a moment and think the other person might be seing someone, whether you are right or not, that'll certainly cause many conflicts and eventually one side will give up.

If you are young, I'd dare' say it'll be complicated to push forth such a relationship because you still don't have the "power" to take decisions about your own life. That will mean that you'll depend on your parents, the lovers' parents, or perhaps the lover itself, but if you love a supposedly love a person that much despite the distance it should be you who pours the every fiber of your being to achieve the goal of being with that person.

Leaving aside rights and wrongs for a second, long distance relationships are not for anyone. Then again, I don't think there's an actual way to know whether you'll last or not, even if you think from the very beginning you'll do, things don't usually work your way. People can change, and so can feelings.

If from all my forementioned nonsense you'd have to gather a piece of useful information (advice), I'd say that you really, really need to think about it. Think about the future, and think realistically. Don't say "well, yeah, I'm going to buy a plane, get a license and see him/her that way". Think that relationships need to be with a physical person (at least, that's the way it works out for us, humans). Sure, you can spend time away, but only if you know that on the future you'll see that person.

 

[Mars Man]

I would say that the above two posts represent a fairly well balanced plane of argument. I don't feel that I could really add that much, but will just say--it may be good to take the middle road, ride it out, and see what happens without any expectations lacking ample evidence for being expected or hoped for.

I wish you the best, whichever that may be !!!

 

[Davey]

It's pretty normal that you are getting doubts when you havn't seen each other for such a long time, so don't worry about that to much, just hang on to what you want. But do make plans to see each other again, and to be together.

I got a distance relation for already 2.5 year, first 5months we were living together, the rest we were seperated and only saw each other eveyr 6-7 months. now it's only 2 months away and then we will live together. so Hang on!

 

[MajideSaiaku]

My girlfriend has barely been talking to me lately, mainly because we havnt an actual date to look forward to to meet up again i reckon.

Save yourself the pain, while its all new and not that important really, the longer you give it everything for this person, the more hurtful it is when they get fed up (3-4 years down the line).


I can assume from my experience the best way to go is to have set dates to meet, a meet-up to look forward to, these have got me through some dark days when i could so easily have split it off, but i stuck with it, and never regretted it when i could hold her and small her and feel her and you know, just have her there......Some folk wouldnt say this because thats their right of privacy and shame or embarrassment but, last night i couldnt get to sleep, i lay awake thinknig of the times i was with my girlfriend, wanting that so much, she hasnt talked to me for days now....and maybe she can easily forget i dunno, but sometimes not both parties are as dedicated to making things work as the other, sometimes its too easy to invest time and effort and resources and emotions into someone who has spent year or two earning your trust, only to throw it away.....dont be a fool, dont end up pulling a nuri laying in bed one night missing someone who doesnt even care.

Now im depressed again....

 

[Rich303]

It certainly isn't easy.

I seriously thought my LDR was over a while back. (we have been involved for about 8 months now) Sometimes it is hard to keep the spark without physical contact, but we are communicating well again now. There are plenty of things to make it difficult - her hectic job, her young daughter, time difference, slight language barrier, but something is keeping it together.

I've had some real paranoid moments and it can be easy to get worried about what is going on, but I am learning to relax about things a little more now.

I was banking on my lady coming to the UK soon, but that has been delayed -so it looks like I am going to be visiting her in Japan again soon. Lots of people I know are unsure of my decision to pursue this relationship, but I've never met anyone like her and I want to give it a go.

As people have said, keeping promises and setting dates is important, as it shows you are serious about the relationship.

 

[Kara_Nari]

Dont let yourself get too worked up. Look forward to your next meeting, but perhaps dont think too much into the future after that.
My ex boyfriend and I were separated by a 12 hour flight for 6 months, and we called and stuff during that time. Yeah I missed him, and got butterflies when I received his phone calls and all that lovey dovey stuff, because we were really in love. Then when I saw him again, we were like wow.... 'you've changed'. Then it kind of dawned on us that what we had in NZ was different to what we have here.
Us being here together meant that all the things that we said were going to happen in NZ i.e. marriage, kids and a house... was scarily too close for both of us to actually want. Always it had been an ' in the future, when we get back to Korea' thing.

What im trying to say is that, perhaps things might be different, but cherish the moments that you have had, and hope for the best, but dont get too upset if its not how you thought it would be.

All the best anyway! You could always be spontaneous (sp?) and fly to Ireland to visit him! That would be a pleasant surprise!

 

[Davey]

One of the things I had with my wife was that we didn't see each other for 8months, and meeting again was weird... But only for 30minutes or something, because right after that It felt like I had seen , and have been with her every day... For me this means that she is the one!

 

[Duo]

I don't think i would be able to handle such kind of relationships, call it culture, custom or whatever, if you love someone what is the point in being away? I would rather look for someone else... sorry for being so cynical

 

[MajideSaiaku]

Not cynical duo, common sense, but then not all love is common sense for some of us.

I dont want to let my girlfriend go, we obviously love each other but sometimes i think i am just being selfish and denying her a happy future with a Japanese bloke, women seem able to better get over love anyway, i know she loves me and she has shown incredible loyalty and love no other girl or person has ever managed towards me, but, i dunno, sometimes i wonder if i let her, she could forget me pretty easily and move on with her life, but, it rips out my guts thinking of not being her husband and father to her children and being her future....I know everyone says it but, honestly, i couldnt love anyone else, i have her everything i had and then some, if we did split i think ide just stay single.

We really need a ate to meet up, all the problems dissappear when we are together.

It reminds me of this documentary about American sub-mariners, one of the wives told the documentary crew about all the hurt and pain and lonelyness of being seperated from her husband who was at sea for months at a time, and someone asked her why she put up with it, and she said something to the effect of; "When i see him again, all the pain and hurt andlonelyness goes away, i run up to him, hug him and kiss him, and we go home a family as if he was never gone".

That always reminds me the dedication it takes for my girlfriend, a japanese woman, living in japan a 12 hour flight on the other side of the world, to remain loyal and faithful to me, sometimes i wonder if i deserve that, i want to be a good perfect boyfriend but in the end, all that really counts is together, so, i just hope we can sort things out so we spend more time together then apart...

 

[Rich303]

That always reminds me the dedication it takes for my girlfriend, a japanese woman, living in japan a 12 hour flight on the other side of the world, to remain loyal and faithful to me, sometimes i wonder if i deserve that, i want to be a good perfect boyfriend but in the end, all that really counts is together, so, i just hope we can sort things out so we spend more time together then apart...

From your past posts I think you deserve loyalty, Nuri.
You seem to have quite high standards in your relationship (about fidelity etc)

I have often considered this issue, regarding my ladyfriend. I was worried that I was expecting too much from someone else, to stay loyal to me.
The main difference with me is that my lady friend plans to settle in my country permanently, so there seems to be a future.
But who knows - that could be a long way off, and we may end up just being friends.

I've never had an older girlfriend before, never had a girlfriend with a child or such an insane work schedule, but something feels right when we are together. It looks like I will be visiting her soon, so I will see how things go from there...

 

[LilKewtyChic]

nurizeko, do you think i should hold on to this with my boyfriend then?

 

[MajideSaiaku]

If you really want him above everyone else and really cant see, i mean really cant see anyone else taking his place within your heart and life, then you should find the strength to make it work.

So many people lose the person thats really right for them because of all sorts of silly things, that really required a mammoth effort on both parts, but then a life of happy-togetherness with THE ONE (dundun duuun) is a fair trade.