Moving to another country! Great for you! but how about us?

[Davey]

I have been thinking about writing this thread for a while, and the conversation I just had with my mom made me decide to finally do this, even tough I don't know how to start, so here it is.

I am interested in your stories, but first of all I want to introduce the topic with my own story, or should I say the story of my family?

Almost 4 years ago I met this sweet Japanese girl in Australia, we hanged out together for 5 months before we both needed to move back to our own countries. There at the airport, where we said goodbye, I knew I would go take my change and that I would follow her back to Japan when the time would be right.

So there you are, back home, after being in Australia for almost a year telling your parents that you've met this Japanese lady, that you love her, and that you want to go to Japan to be with her.

Of course they were happy for me, that I had met the love of my life, and that I would go to Japan. BUT how about them? How about the people that loves you, family and friends, the ones that stays behind? They normally see you on a daily/weekly/monthly base, but then you will move to another country. They won't be able to see with you every day anymore, they won't be able to speak to you every day any more. It would feel like losing a child, in some way!

My parents where happy for me, but sad as well. Not knowing how much they would see me, talk to me etc. It has been over a year now, since I have came to Japan, and it is doing fine for me (of course with difficulties) but my mom is missing me every day (even though, it is doing better). She sometimes cries, and wonders if it is her fault that I went to Japan (even though she knows it's the most stupid thing to think about), wondering when she would see me again, or talk to me again.

My mom even made a website about a year ago, about how it is to have a son on the other side of the world. A site where she expresses her feelings, and even have other people whom are in the same position sending her Emails. She got an interview in a big magazine in the Netherlands, a Dutch ex-pat website, a TV program, and will get some more interviews in the upcoming months.

So how about you, when you moved to another country, or maybe the other way around; when your child or friends moved to another country.
1.So how did you tell your parents, friend, etc that you were going to move to another country?
2.Where they happy about it? Do you think they expressed their real opinion?
3.When did you tell them about it? a year before, or only a couple of weeks before thinking it would save a lot of pain.
4.Have you ever thought about how it would be for the people you are leaving behind?
5.Can they talk about it, or do you talk about it to them?
6.Do you ever feel guilty, or do you think your parents maybe feel guilty?
7.Do you make a schedule together when to talk, send emails. when to contact? and do you think you have enough contact?

For the people who can read Dutch, or the ones that just want to have a look for photo's have a look at www.kidsoverzee.com

I am looking forward reading your opinion, experience about this matter.

 

[Mars Man]

Ahhhh, but for the emotions and thoughts of those who are there, while we are here. . . !! A very, very nice thread, Dutch Baka, even though many may not be able to share in it.

In an effort to leave my philosophical concepts out of the matter, I do recall my first having mentioned to my parents that I'd like to move out to Arizona. Now, this is still in the United States, but a good two day's drive from Alabama. It's almost like going to another planet...at least back in 1976.

My parents, I guess, got used to my not being around the house, not calling so often, and the only occasional letters. So, when I let them know that I was gonna move to Japan, there had already been a 'gap' (so to speak) that would allow for any physical distance on the globe--Japan? Arizona? what really was the difference?

Well, in the meantime, both my mother, father, and my youngest sister have visited us here, so they kind of know the location in their minds. They can kind of feel it--so maybe it's not really another planet afterall. (my father, however, died in December of '05, as some of you may recall)

The universe is large--well, I'm sorry, I just couldn't leave my philosophical bearings out of it afterall, could I--so we're still here; just next door. That's the way my folks see it, and the way I see it.

( I think my parents knew it was coming...I mean, hanging around people from India and Japan since highschool was kind of taletelling...)

ps...try to get your mom to come over !!

 

[Sarapva]

I moved to Alaska from Virginia (a distance of 5,000 miles, even though still in the U.S.) in my early 20's. I didn't know I was going to stay long - I thought maybe a couple of months, but I loved it so much that I ended up staying about 7 years in all. I visited my parents about once every few months and they visited me in Alaska, and we talked on the phone about once a week. But Alaska really is like another country, and I began to get more and more homesick. I finally moved back to Virginia and have been living with my parents since then. I think I got disconnected in a way from my family and the place where I grew up, and being back here has given me more of a feeling of solidity and roots. But it was hard at first because I didn't feel I belonged in either place and wasn't sure where I wanted to be.

My family and I didn't talk much about missing each other when I was away, but I think everyone felt the distance. I think I've gotten to know them better now, after being away, than I did before I left.

 

[Davey]

even though many may not be able to share in it.

Well, I hope to see some more posts from these people, because I think there are definitely 10-20 active members on this forum who have this experience as well.

My parents, I guess, got used to my not being around the house, not calling so often, and the only occasional letters. So, when I let them know that I was gonna move to Japan, there had already been a 'gap' (so to speak) that would allow for any physical distance on the globe--Japan? Arizona? what really was the difference?

We had that gap as well, when I went to Australia for 9 months, but at that time my parents knew I was coming back. At that time we called maybe once every 2 weeks, and I did not feel having a lot of contact with them either... I do have it now though (when I am not to busy... )

Well, in the meantime, both my mother, father, and my youngest sister have visited us here, so they kind of know the location in their minds. They can kind of feel it--so maybe it's not really another planet afterall. (my father, however, died in December of '05, as some of you may recall)
The universe is large--well, I'm sorry, I just couldn't leave my philosophical bearings out of it afterall, could I--so we're still here; just next door. That's the way my folks see it, and the way I see it.
( I think my parents knew it was coming...I mean, hanging around people from India and Japan since highschool was kind of taletelling...)
ps...try to get your mom to come over !!

My parents came over last March, and it definitely made a difference for them, knowing where I live, what I do in my free time, and knowing I am in great hands with the in-laws. I think my mom can handle it much better than before, but still it's hard for her so now and again especially now we are talking about having babies, and she can't be the grandmother she wanted to be.
How was that for your parents? knowing they became grandparents, but unable to really feel like it.
Thanks for the reply!!!

 

[Davey]

My family and I didn't talk much about missing each other when I was away, but I think everyone felt the distance. I think I've gotten to know them better now, after being away, than I did before I left.

I am having far better conversation with my parents on the phone, than I had with them before. Our band has became much stronger, even though I am also a bit afraid of losing contact and feeling the distance more and more.

I'm not really afraid of being homesick, because I kind of like it in here (even though it can be hard so now and then).

Thanks for the reply.

I am hoping for more posts from certain members, I know you are out there .

 

[kidtokyo]

I currently live a few hours away from my parents and grandmothers. I've never moved out of state. My mindset right now is that I can't bear to move away from them all. It would be one thing if they were all doing peachy, but my parents got divorced about 2 years ago after 25 years of marriage, and my mother is battling an incurable disease and is barely able to take care of herself. Also my 2 grandmothers are in their upper 70's, so I feel like I should be nearby to help them out. It's been a topic of much stress for me, since my wife has had urges to leave the state in the past. But, for the meantime, I'm not going anywhere.

 

[Pachipro]

When I first went to Japan with the US military, my parents did not think much of it because it was my job and they figured I would be back in the states in two years. However, they did not figure on my staying in Japan for 9 years!

Through it all though, they were understanding and I stayed in monthly contact with them by phone and three or four letters per month. It was only after 3 years that I was financially able to return home on a yearly basis.

When I decided to leave the military in Japan and attend university they were understanding and I still returned home on a yearly basis. They knew I would return permanently once I graduated and I did, but only for a year.

When I returned "permanently" to New York City in 1981 things were not good. The economy was bad and interest rates were around 19%. Not many companies were hiring. I eventually found a job at the Bank of Tokyo on Wall St. but the pay was so pitiful that I could not even afford a decent apartment for my Japanese fiancee and myself. After about 8 months I decided that I could make a better living in Japan because I was familiar with the country and was comfortable there and we returned.

At first my parents could not understand why I would prefer to return to a foreign country, but I was returning regardless because it was my life and my future and I had to do what was best for me. Luckily, again, they were understanding and I tried to convince them that it was no different than if I had moved to California, Florida, Chicago, or upstate New York for employment as they would still see me once a year regardless of where I lived.

Sure I would have liked to live near them, but times have changed and one must go where one can make a decent living. I stayed in Japan an additional seven years and saw them once a year. They did visit me in Japan for my wedding but could still not comprehend why I would prefer to live in Japan vs. the US. Since it was impossible to relate to them why, I gave up trying. Anyway, if I was happy, they were happy, even if I was living in Japan.

After I returned to the states permanently, I settled in Tennessee because of employment, housing prices, economy, and ease of living. I was still nearly 1,000 miles from my family and still saw them once a year and talked often on the phone.

So, whether I lived in Tennessee, USA or in Japan, my family still saw me as often as they would have no matter where I lived. If my parents were disappointed or sad because of my choices, they never said so, but often said they were happy if I was happy. For that I am grateful as they never made me feel guilty because of my choices in life.

A couple of days before my father passed away seven years ago, he mentioned to me how proud he was of me for what I made of my life. That ment more to me than anything in the world and I knew right then that I had done what was right for me and that, even though they may have been sad that I was not near them, as any parent would be, they allowed me to be me and make my own way in this crazy world of ours.

Now that both my parents have passed away, I feel I can move back to Japan for my wife to be near her mother now that she is in her early 70's without any guilt or worry. However, I would still make that move regardless as I have often mentioned to my family when I returned to the states. Besides the guilt would not be so bad as I had a brother (now passed) and two sisters to be near them. Still, I have to do what is right for my wife and what I promised her father when I took his only child away from Japan and this, I believed, they (my family) understood.

So, to answer your questions Dutch, I believe you have to do what is right for you, your wife and your children and the sooner you tell your family your plans the better because it is your life and your future that you have to think about. If you are an only child, you have tougher decisions to make and it will not be easy, but you have to do what you feel is right for you and no one else.

The guilt will always be there in the back of your mind, but, and I know this may sound cold and heartless to some, in the end, when all is said and done, it is your life and family that must come first and to do anything else because of guilt, I believe, would be a disservice to you, your wife, and your children in the long run.

Make plans to visit home at least once a year if the need be, talk often on the phone and, in this day of the internet and video chat, find a site that will enable you to talk and see them live and vice versa. Sites like Paltalk.com are only US$5 per month if you pay for a year in advance and you can even have a private room to video chat with your family at no additional cost as often as you desire. It works for me.

I hope this helps and make sense. Good luck and understand that you are not alone.

 

[Damicci]

In Short, my mother wa snot too happy about me wanting to move to Japan before my son was born so I know she wouldn't be happy about it now. Still it would be the same concern for the significant other's Parents as well.

 

[maushan3]

All of these are some very sweet and sensitive stories.

I can relate to some. I wanted to come to Japan since last October, I think, so I signed up for an exchange program. My parents were happy for me that I could achieve what I wanted, but at the same time told me how they were gonna miss me, expecially my mom. It is just a year, and surprisingly, it was not really hard for me to say goodbye to my life because I know that i will be back in a year.

So here I am, on the other side of the planet, 14 zone hours away from home, and I am being honest, as of now, things have gone way better than I expected, I am literally loving my time here. There are some things I need to adjust to here and then, but other than that it is way more than what I bargained for.

Mauricio

 

[RockLee]

As some of you know I'm going to move to Finland in 2 weeks. This has caused some grief to my parents. Well, my mom in particular as she's sad I'll move to another country.

I met my gf last year online, before she came to study here for 4 months. After meeting up with her for about a month we got into a relationship, and I've visited her twice in Finland already, and she did last June. I've talked to her about moving to Finland once I graduated, because seeing her once in a few months wasn't really an option. It's simply not that easy, and requires a lot of patience. Now that I graduated I've planned on moving there for a while, and one day I told my parents I'll move there even this year, and asap. So October 2nd I'll move to Espoo in Finland, to live at my gf's parent's place until I have a job and my own place.

My parents will miss me, because basically I've lived here all my life, and they haven't been living without me for more than 3 weeks tops yet. So this time they'll have to adjust to the situation that I'm living abroad, and they won't be able to see me every day/week/month.

I'll visit them from time to time or they'll visit me in Finland, but they've accepted that I want to go live there. My mom isn't that sure yet that I'll be fine there, and get a job soon, but I'm staying positive and confident things will work out.

 

[dark_secrester]

When I was 14 I moved to Spain with my Dad, for about a year. Things got bad between them, so my Mum stayed behind. My Dad was having a great time, so was I. But I missed my Mum, because of the situation we had left her in (2 other kids). So I managed to persuade my Dad to move back after a year. We got back, and that was it. Now, they live in london and I live in Cheshire (northwest UK) doing my business. It isn't exactly the same as being in different countries, but we are still distant enough that we don't see each other for weeks at a time. I have fun, but they wish they could see me more.

My grandmother was born at home, stayed in that home, still lives in that home 67 years later and works at Mcdonalds. She didn't want to move away. My mum moved away from that home because she got married. Even though my parents love me and want to see me, they want me to explore the world, and see as much as I can, not just the same town day in day out. They overcome their feelings for my benefit. Think as to whether or not your parents do the same.