I regret I fell in love with Japanese girl

[Wally S.]

well... i once read: "if someone doesn`t love you the way you wanted it doesn`t mean that he/she doesn`t love you at all"

You are not exactly helping me to get on with my life... What you just said is the exactly the reason why I can not forget about her that easly. But I think even if she didn't intend to...she killed our love realationship..by not responding to it apropriately. It makes me wander why she responded at all and has maintained relationship with me that was hanging on such a thin thread...

She knew that what I' was giving her was "good" and "special" but she she was naive to think I'll love her forever without her loving me back.

 

[Wally S.]

I am a bit concerned wally has stated he loved Junko more then his wife i mean, one of them is married to him and with him, the other was just a fling and a two year dead-end.
Honestly, Wally, what im saying is in my honest opinion, i think your giving, and have given more attention to the JUNK-o issue then it ever deserved, it was a fling, and then a two year maybe-well-meet-but-no-promises-or-plans.
You have already wasted way too much time on this then it ever deserved....everyone has thought about previous relationships, but never to this extent i think, never dwelling over a fling.
.

Where I'm from romantic love is valued and sought after, and is considered "perfect" and able to make you fullfiled in your love life. The fact that we were seperated for so long made it more desirable, I've dreamed about meeting Junko again, but I have never forseen I would be waiting for her this way...By the time our reunion was getting near, I was bitter and full of apathy...because she starved me not only of physical love but sher affection as well.

I am mad at her she was so egoistic...Just think what your partner would think when you made him/her wait 2 years and not saying "I miss you" once...

 

[Kyoko_desu]

Hi

I've been wondering why you made this thread and started talking about your past love, since it seems like you never want to listen to anyone's advise. Maybe you just wanted to be listened, then I guess you've done enough already.
Well, didn't you say you are happy now with your wife? Then why can't you stop sticking to your past love like this? As several people pointed out, it's very shitsurei to your wife. If I was your wife and if I read your posts in this thread, I would be hurt...
I think you should learn Japanese ﾋ?按心窶彖ﾂ心ﾂ (ishin denshin). and that will explain lots of things about what your ex said/didn't say. I hope it will help you to move on.
By the way, could anyone explain what "ishin denshin" is to him in English?
It will take sometime for me to explain in English and I don't have enough time for now. Maybe I will try later though...
Anyway, Wally S- san, ganbatte ne, enjoy your PRESENT life with your family.
Any good new topic?

 

[Elizabeth]

Where I'm from romantic love is valued and sought after, and is considered "perfect" and able to make you fullfiled in your love life. The fact that we were seperated for so long made it more desirable, I've dreamed about meeting Junko again, but I have never forseen I would be waiting for her this way...By the time our reunion was getting near, I was bitter and full of apathy...because she starved me not only of physical love but sher affection as well.
I am mad at her she was so egoistic...Just think what your partner would think when you made him/her wait 2 years and not saying "I miss you" once...

Perhaps because she understood the hassle and fear having someone this mentally and emotionally messed up in her life who would never see her for what she was and possibly try to physically track her down should she try to break it off too suddenly. Just maybe ???

 

[Wally S.]

Ishin denshin verces...

I've been wondering why you made this thread and started talking about your past love, since it seems like you never want to listen to anyone's advise. Maybe you just wanted to be listened, then I guess you've done enough already.
Well, didn't you say you are happy now with your wife? Then why can't you stop sticking to your past love like this? As several people pointed out, it's very shitsurei to your wife. If I was your wife and if I read your posts in this thread, I would be hurt...
I think you should learn Japanese ﾋ?按心窶彖ﾂ心ﾂ (ishin denshin). and that will explain lots of things about what your ex said/didn't say. I hope it will help you to move on.
By the way, could anyone explain what "ishin denshin" is to him in English?
It will take sometime for me to explain in English and I don't have enough time for now. Maybe I will try later though...
Anyway, Wally S- san, ganbatte ne, enjoy your PRESENT life with your family.
Any good new topic?

I appreciate your honest opinion...especially that it comes form Japanese female. The only reason why I wanted your advice is because, I never understood Junko..because her actions were all contradicting to me.

You said that I should learn "ishin denshin"....Ok, I wished I knew more about Japanese psyche when I met Junko, but why westerners are expected to understand Japanese rules of love and realtionship...and not vice versa?

Maybe, when she was dating European guy like me she should also knew that her "lover" is not a sex toy, and her boyfriend expects to hear affectionate words...


Still I admit, the fault is mine and hers, 50/50

 

[RockLee]

You should know that not all nationalities are the same, and in Japan the people have a different lifestyle. It's not uncommon to see a couple being married for almost 40 years and have only had sex a couple of times. These things happen everywhere, you just met a girl who isn't emotionally like a lot of western girls. Just let it go man ! I learned last year that asking eachother to be bf/gf is common in Asian countries. Things that we here in Europe take for granted, are different in Asia. Now you know, so don't keep complaining cause it's over.

 

[Wally S.]

Perhaps because she understood the hassle and fear having someone this mentally and emotionally messed up in her life who would never see her for what she was and possibly try to physically track her down should she try to break it off too suddenly. Just maybe ???

What you call "mentally and emotionally messed up" is considered normal in my culture. Come on, what is so unusuall about the 26 years old guy wanting serious realtionship? If she though she can keep me as an "option" she also "should have seen me for what I was"!

People are not disposable sex toys or the vacations spas that wait for arivals... I understand she could have think that my love for her is "too much!!!". But she lead me on for almost 2 years...this was emotional torture for me.

 

[Wally S.]

I was Junko's exotic sex toy

You should know that not all nationalities are the same, and in Japan the people have a different lifestyle. It's not uncommon to see a couple being married for almost 40 years and have only had sex a couple of times. These things happen everywhere, you just met a girl who isn't emotionally like a lot of western girls. Just let it go man ! I learned last year that asking eachother to be bf/gf is common in Asian countries. Things that we here in Europe take for granted, are different in Asia. Now you know, so don't keep complaining cause it's over.

Ok, I'm slowly letting it go, with your help. I really needed this discussion. Now I look back at my "fling" with Junko and I can see clearly that Junko, was making a "Fashion statement" by datim me ...and treaing me like an exotic sex toy..being a guy I guess I should have not complainded for being used sexually.

Still, I any girl would die to have a guy who waits for them, sacrifices and showers them with love...but not Junko, I guess all she needed is a carrier in US, as it apears she graduated college and is now studying the University...and she is still single at 27, perheaps she found another naive guy who is satisfied with sex and doesnt mind never hearing "I love you" or "I miss you" from his girlfriend.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Isn't it funny how people so often latch on to what they want to hear and ignore everything else?

 

[Wally S.]

Pain of saying "I love you"...

Isn't it funny how people so often latch on to what they want to hear and ignore everything else?

Come on, it is perfectly normal and expected that the 26 years old guy wants serious realtionship...and not a g/f who only sees him during vacations.

For me its funny that, some people apearantly spend lifetime whith their partners, spouses ....never ever saying "I love you" or "I miss you"?

Maybe the combination of vowels and sylables in those two frases make it painfull to pronounce for some nationalities?

I loved the feeling when I said "I love you" or "Kocham Cie"(in Polish) to a girl first time...because it was so difficult to say...that's what makes it beautiful!

But its me, maybe for others its embarassing to speak about emotions, still for me it would be embarassing to speak with my coworker about "having problems with an erections", or the commenting and getting excited after seeing... fetish flic"....something that happens in Japan all the time.

Yes, the Japanese culture is intriguing!

 

[Elizabeth]

What you call "mentally and emotionally messed up" is considered normal in my culture. Come on, what is so unusuall about the 26 years old guy wanting serious realtionship? If she though she can keep me as an "option" she also "should have seen me for what I was"!
People are not disposable sex toys or the vacations spas that wait for arivals... I understand she could have think that my love for her is "too much!!!". But she lead me on for almost 2 years...this was emotional torture for me.

No they aren't, that's exactly the point. And I hope it's obvious enough by now that you shouldn't have put yourself in the position to give her that impression. You can argue until the end of days its unhealthy and immoral for someone to to take advantage of another person but many, many people (perhaps most) are not nearly that scrupulous and will take what is offered without question (without reference here to Junko). In the face of that reality, the responsiblity not to fall into a negative and manipulative relationship, if it is avoidable, is the burden of each individual independently.

Just accept that this was a situation in which one side was more haunted and desperate to fulfill their fantasy of a romantic relationship than the other and that no amount of attention, money, waiting or anything quantifiable is going to spark a genuine love which first, or ever, wasn't there for you as a person.

 

[Kyoko_desu]

"ishin denshin" and "saying no"

Wow, while I was writing my post, so many people posted!!! Grrrrr I wish I could write faster.
Oh well, this is my reply to Wally S san:
I understand how important "showing your affection verbally" is in Western world, but living in a country of "ishin denshin", saying "I love you" or "I miss you" is kinda...uncomfortable or embarrassing.
Actually I've seen a Japanese celeb. called Mayo Kawasaki saying showing affection to his American wife was such a tough work for him, especially when he was very tired after working hard all day. He was saying it like joking, by mimicing how she jumps on him and kisses him when he goes home EVERY night. (They are devorced now but I saw him saying those on TV when they were still married.) He said, even though it was so hard for him, he did it(hugging her back, telling her how much he missed her during the daytime, etc.)
because he knew how important for his wife to hear those words.

You said that I should learn "ishin denshin"....Ok, I wished I knew more about Japanese psyche when I met Junko,
but why westerners are expected to understand Japanese rules of love and realtionship...and not vice versa?

No, I meant you should check what it is NOW becuase you seem like you can't stop sticking to this past love until you will find out if she really didn't love you and just used you like a sex toy, or she really did love you and just didn't show her affection by following the custom of her country.
Your relationship with her is OVER years ago and it's now useless to dwell on "what you or she should have done back then", right?
Oh I just remembered one more culturel thing that might be able to help you to understand her for-Westerners-hard-to-understand behabvior.
For us Japanese, saying "No." is difficult. We tend to avoid uncomfortable atmosphere, so we sometimes try not to say "no" too directly. Probably this makes non-Japanese people misunderstand or confused. So....umm... maybe she really didn't love you, but couldn't tell you that directly.
But Wall S-san, let me tell you again, I really think you should forget about her and enjoy your present life. What all I can say after reading all your posts is "That's life, move on."

 

[MajideSaiaku]

I must point out Wally you were in Junko's backyard, not vice versa, so infact its entirely acceptable that you should have been playing the japanese love-game, i know it never occurs to the vast majority of US soldiers going to Japan, but really, it wouldnt kill the army to teach their young soldiers the norms and social taboo's in Japan, it would save their boys alot of hassle, if your going to stew over anything, stew over the fact you werent taught the Japanese social and dating norms.

As for the others, i wouldnt say it so bluntly but i agree with them, the amount of lvoe and attention you heaped on this fling isnt and wasnt worth it, you really should have seen the sex for what it was, casual physically satisfying animal sex between a young horney and niave teenager and a young american foreign soldier who wasnt going to be in the country for long.

And i can tell you Wally that whatever your perceptions of western culture is, the amount of love and attention heaped onto a long distance dead-end isnt one of them, western society DOESNT expect folk to throw around the word love every hour of the day, as usual its different by different couples, yes we say i lvoe you more often but not to the frequency and potency you proclaim is our most strongly held values.

Hell in more traditional parts of europe and America you'll be lucky to find husband who dote on the missus all time of the day.

As in Japan, the most widespread sign of REAL lasting love is the act of loyalty and commitment by staying together.

Saying i love you is just a nice bonus now and then.

My girlfriend loves to hear i love you, and she lvoes saying it (when she isnt in a mood at me) and she is Japanese, pure breed grade A Japanese lady, so it also isnt as simple as labelling the whole of Japanese society as careless and un-affectionate, thats just a blatant stereotype.


Im going to set out your situation in its bluntest honest truth.



You were a young american soldier in japan.

You met a young Japanese lady.

She was attracted to you because you were a foreigner.

You both wanted sex.

You both had sex.

You made the mistake of attaching feelings and wild blown out of preportion fantasies of an eternity of romantic ultra love together that in no shape or form ever existed.

She didnt relise she could have been rid of you just by saying "thanks for the ****, piss off".

It was a cheap "vacation fling".

You were a foreigner, you had sex with a 19 year old girl who fancied getting into your boxers.

Afterwards she was content with you leaving the country and never comming back.

She didnt love you.

Even if she wanted to chances are she wasnt prepared to take the risk of her family outcasting her for dating and ******* a foreign man older then her.

You attached way too much feelings and ideas to her allowing the continued corrispondence.

It was a fling.

Read that carefully and just understand you made the mistake of attaching way too much feelnigs and ideas to something that never was, and come to accept it, once you do this you can move on and worry more for your wife then Flinko.

 

[Rich303]

Hello all, I've just returned from a short holiday and found this thread.

I feel for you Wally, but, as I think you already know, you must move on.

It is difficult when you are getting mixed signals from a someone, sometimes it can be hard to get a straight answer, especially in Japan

I would say one thing though, don't focus too much on whether people say ''I miss you'', or ''I love you''. I have learnt that saying such things can mean very little to some people. You will know if they are true from their actions.

I have been in a very simailar situation to you, but with a 36 year old woman.
She said all the things you wanted to hear, but it's just words.
I now understand I was probably just a bit of fun to her, even though she said I was her soulmate, or something.
Because I liked her so much I believed it, and it has been a very difficult time for me. I have lavished all my attention on her to prove I was serious about her, because she said she had known 'bad men'

I think she probably quite likes me, but not to the extent she would have me believe.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story, Wally.

 

[MajideSaiaku]

From my correspondence with Rich i vouch for him that he is as good as anyone to know your situation and comment on it.

 

[Rich303]

Cheers Nurizeko,

It is confusing when someone wants to go to the effort of staying in touch, but not showing the same commitment in their actions.

As well as this experience, I also had a pen pal from Japan for nearly a year.

We wrote to each other all the time and I met her when I visited Japan.
I did many things to try to help her because she said she was coming to England and I thought I could be her friend, or maybe more if we were in the same country.
Eventually I got sick of it and terminated the friendship because I just felt she was playing a game and using me, and it was going nowhere. She seemed to only be interested in things I could do for her or give to her.

Looking back I think some of it was misunderstanding, and I regret ending it in such a harsh way.

I stupidly allowed the situation to fester until I ended up not liking her at all, so now I have to be careful to avoid the same thing happening again.

 

[Pachipro]

"East is East and West is West...."

I've read all of the posts in the two threads you posted Wally S. these past two days and I feel for you as I was in a similar situation once when I lived in Japan. (And Rich 303, I can probably relate to you also). At the time I was living in Japan for about 6 years and should have known better on how Japanese woman think.

In your situation it seems you were in Japan for less than a year, lived mostly on base, and probably couldn't tell the difference between soy sauce and tonkatsu sauce, nevermind the differences in culture between what you think love should be and what the Japanese female feels it is.

You leave alot out in your story such as, was this the first and only Japanese girl you had sex with? Was this the first woman you became emotionally attached to so fast? Did you not have sex with a Japanese woman previously or did you ever date a Japanese woman seriously before this?

If you did, then maybe you would understand a little how the Japanese female thinks and feels when it comes to friendship, sex, lovers, and a lifetime partner. After all you were living in her culture, not she yours.

As a former military man myself in Japan I know firsthand that over 99% of the males never took the time to even attempt to understand the language and culture. For them it was a playground and Japanese woman were playtoys to be conquered and shown off to ones buddies. From your posts I feel you were not this type of guy though.

Since most replies have explained it pretty well, especially Kyoko_desu, I will not bother rehashing it again, but I will say this:

You knew almost nothing about the language and culture of the country you were living in and you choose to blame Junko for not understanding you and your feelings towards her, when it is YOU who should have taken the time and effort to read a book or two or counsel with somebody who has lived in the country much longer than you in the subtlities of the Japanese psyche. If you had taken that time you would not be feeling what you are now and would completely understand what happened.

In my own case I happened upon a beautiful Japanese bass player of a fairly popular all Japanese girl band whom I met in the neighborhood snack one night. She didn't know a bit of English, but I could speak Japanese and we hit it off right away.

Soon enough we had sex and I fell madly in love with her and we would meet on a regular basis especially every Sunday evening for her "English lesson" which she just used as an excuse to have sex. She claimed that she loved me also, wanted to forever be my friend, but she also said that she did not want to be my steady girlfriend, nor would she ever marry me in the near future as she enjoyed the life of a musician she was having and did not want to be tied up with a serious relationship. As I was a student, I had planned on leaving Japan after graduation two years down the road and she knew that.

This was kind of difficult for me to accept and I had a hard time with it. Here was a woman who was madly in love with me and I her, but all she wanted was sex, a casual relationship, have her musical career and that was it. Inside I knew what she was thinking and what she was feeling as I had studied up on these things, but I would not accept it. I could change her I thought.

I continued to push for a more serious relationship and it got to the point where she said to me that, if I cannot accept the relationship on her terms, she didn't want to see me anymore, even though she wouldn't like it to end as she thoroughly enjoyed my company and companionship.

I knew she was probably seeing other men at times and I also had the freedom to see other woman because of the status of the relationship, but I chose not to because of my love for this woman.

I soon had to make the decision to stay with her or leave and I chose to stay with her and accept the relationship as she wanted it, not only because she taught me more about sex than any man should know, but because she was a wonderful person and a good friend to boot and we always had fun when we were together. Besides, I could have the best of both worlds: I was free to date or see anyone I wished and she would always be there for me and I her.

We continued with this relationship for two years and it truly was a wonderful experience. I would travel with her to concerts throughout the country when I could, see her when we were both free (especially on Sundays), and we basically had a good, fun time when we were together which really was quite often. If I wasn't "free" when she wanted to see me, it was cool with her. If she wasn't "free" when I wanted to see her that was cool with me also as I had learned to understand and accept this relationship and understood completely where she was coming from.

Had I not learned this through my time in Japan and my understanding of the Japanese way of thinking and what they feel towards friendship and sex, I may be in the same basket as you are presently wondering why this woman used me and feeling so bitter about it.

Do I feel used? Not in the least. Do I feel I was her "boytoy" and status symbol? Not in the least as she never used me in that way nor did she ever make me feel like a trophy so to speak. The relationship was mutual. In the end I felt I was her friend/lover and she mine and that was it. Nothing more.

Finally, I met someone whom I did become serious with and really fell in love with and that is my present wife whom I met 25 years ago this past March 1st only 20 minutes after seeing this woman and her friend off at the train station.

I continued seeing her now and then afterwards, but our meetings and dates soon ended when I made a choice about where I wanted my life to go. In a way she was sad that our relatonship had ended, but she was also happy because I was also happy. What else could you ask from a friend? To me she was a true friend who happened to be of the female persuasion.

Life is strange in some ways Wally S. and I believe everything happens for a reason. Had I not planned on leaving Japan after graduation would this woman and I have gotten married in the long run? Yes, I think we would have. But it was not to be, and I accepted that. Do I still think of her today? You're damned right I do, but that was another life and another me and I do know we will meet in person again someday even if it is just to have coffee and reminisce about our time together. After all we did promise ourselves we would. Would I ever leave my present wife if she were single and wanted me back? No, I would not for, as I said, that was another life and I do love my wife. It would never happen.

Therefore, I suggest that you, Wally S., accept the short time, and love you felt for Junko, as an experience that you will treasure forever, but it was another life and another time, always to be remembered, but never to be forgotten. Look back on your experience with Junko as a moment in time to be treasured, never to be experienced again, but continue to love the woman you are presently married to as she also must be something special to you or why would you have married her in the first place?

For some people such as yourself I feel that Rudyard Kipling's quote is appropriate: "East is East and West is West and never the twain shall meet, till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgement seat...."

Go on with your life Wally S., but smile to yourself when you think of the time you spent with Junko.

 

[ArmandV]

Good story, Pach. If you can sum up the "Japanese female psyche" in ten words (or items) or less, what would it be?

 

[Wally S.]

Consequences of not saying "NO"

It is confusing when someone wants to go to the effort of staying in touch, but not showing the same commitment in their actions.
As well as this experience, I also had a pen pal from Japan for nearly a year.
We wrote to each other all the time and I met her when I visited Japan.
I did many things to try to help her because she said she was coming to England and I thought I could be her friend, or maybe more if we were in the same country.
Eventually I got sick of it and terminated the friendship because I just felt she was playing a game and using me, and it was going nowhere. She seemed to only be interested in things I could do for her or give to her.
Looking back I think some of it was misunderstanding, and I regret ending it in such a harsh way.
I stupidly allowed the situation to fester until I ended up not liking her at all, so now I have to be careful to avoid the same thing happening again.

Hi Rich,
Amaising, how similar our stories are! I felt exactly same way, I got sick of our "relationship" that hung on the thin thread, she was doing the minimum to continue corespondence..But I was confused because she also told me, "Look forward seeing me!!!" "I lost 7 kilograms!!!, I can't change anything about myself, but I want to see you again some day!"

Judgeing from her words... she maybe was only attracted to me physically, and she wanted more sex, besides I was being really nice to her. So maybe thats why she wanted to hold on to me, but for me it wasn't enough. I felt stupid, I didn't want her to think I was desperate.... that's why I didn't meet her after 2 years, when she wanted me to come to see her in Seattle...for 7-9 days.

 

[Wally S.]

Ishin desin and saying "NO"

No, I meant you should check what it is NOW becuase you seem like you can't stop sticking to this past love until you will find out if she really didn't love you and just used you like a sex toy, or she really did love you and just didn't show her affection by following the custom of her country.
Your relationship with her is OVER years ago and it's now useless to dwell on "what you or she should have done back then", right?
Oh I just remembered one more culturel thing that might be able to help you to understand her for-Westerners-hard-to-understand behabvior.
For us Japanese, saying "No." is difficult. We tend to avoid uncomfortable atmosphere, so we sometimes try not to say "no" too directly. Probably this makes non-Japanese people misunderstand or confused. So....umm... maybe she really didn't love you, but couldn't tell you that directly.
But Wall S-san, let me tell you again, I really think you should forget about her and enjoy your present life. What all I can say after reading all your posts is "That's life, move on."

Kyoko,
I had a Polish girlfriend called Renea before I went to Japan and met Junko. iI'm polish also and we both live in USA. Renea did liked me a lot, but our relationship had problems, because I never told her "I love you" and "I want to be with you". We kissed, and spend lots of time together, and I would call her from Japan. Later I found out from my brother who had mutual friends with Renea, and that she told him; "Wally never told me what he wanted!"

This is exactly why I decided I'm not going to make that mistake with Junko...I told her that "I love her"....This is ironic, but I never suspected in Japan theres different rules of "love and relationship" and dating.

I admit... I didn't get enough of Junko, sex and emotions, so I regreted that I had no chance to date her longer, to make decision if we should be together or not. I think if we lived closer we could make a nice couple, but because we were seperated for so long, our realtionship suffered, and it became sour and bitter. We had disagreements over the phone.

I told her that she didn't have a heart but "a stone", and "talking to her was like talking to a wall"...because she wasn't showing any emotions for me in her letters. She reacted furiously to my comments about her, and she told me that "I want to posses her"... I explained the situation, that its not true, I just wanted to date her, and if I could see her once or twice a week I would be satisfied just to spend time with her and see her smile.

She forgave me, but she wrote even less as a result, and she resumed corespondance after 8 months. But I knew that the scarcity and the tone of her letters meant that she treats me like a friend, and she wanted to see me again, spend vacation together, have sex but the fact that she picked college in Seattle, 4 thousands miles from North Carolina where I lived, made me understand, she doesn't want to make a sucrifices for me and doesn't want to have serious realationship with me.

That's why I decided to end this, because I was so unhappy..I believe that I had reasons, and I don't have to regret anything now.

 

[Kyoko_desu]

That's why I decided to end this, because I was so unhappy..
I believe that I had reasons, and I don't have to regret anything now.

Good! Wally S san, it was your choice to leave her and you have nothing to regret about now.
And now that you've let out what you've kept in your heart for years on this forum,ﾂ you are, I hope, feeling better and refreshed, aren't you?
Now, smile, Wally S san, and keep loving your family.
:romance:

 

[Wally S.]

Reply to Pachipro

Life is strange in some ways Wally S. and I believe everything happens for a reason. Had I not planned on leaving Japan after graduation would this woman and I have gotten married in the long run? Yes, I think we would have. But it was not to be, and I accepted that. Do I still think of her today? You're damned right I do, but that was another life and another me and I do know we will meet in person again someday even if it is just to have coffee and reminisce about our time together. After all we did promise ourselves we would. Would I ever leave my present wife if she were single and wanted me back? No, I would not for, as I said, that was another life and I do love my wife. It would never happen.
Therefore, I suggest that you, Wally S., accept the short time, and love you felt for Junko, as an experience that you will treasure forever, but it was another life and another time, always to be remembered, but never to be forgotten.
Go on with your life Wally S., but smile to yourself when you think of the time you spent with Junko.[/QUOTEHi Pachipro,
Interesting story! I appreciate your advice a lot! I also think I would end up marrying Junko for sure if circumstances were diferent, or if I knew Japanese rules of "love and realtionship" I would not give up hope. Because it looks like she might have feelings for me and would consider being with me even after moving to US. The problem was that I couldn't wait 4-5 years before, we could move in together...She wanted to keep me as a "vacation boyfriend" but I thogught it was not enough for me. I was 26 and I was looking for a steady girlfriend.

She was subtle and rather and cultured, and so was I. I valued her as a person, but I knew had no idea that Japanese girls dont say I love you even if they do love someone...I believe our realtionship ended because of misunderstanding. That's why I can't forget her, because it lookes like we both wanted to be together, but she was less commital because her age, so I thought it means she didn't love me.

I had a dream last month, in which we finally me, as we always planned. But it happened now after so many years. Because I remembered that Junko told me that she wanted to get maried at 27...I thought it had to be a sign, a telepathy because she just happened to turn 27 this year. I though that perheaps she regrets she didn't tell me "I love you" and our relationship ended. Besides Junko used to tell me not to worry, because she read me once our horoscopes in Osaka convenient store, and it said that we will be happy together and we will met some day....

So I did that I always do, I act on impulse. I found her new number 2 weeks ago, even called her parents in Osaka, and they gave me her new number. Unfortunatelly Junko never responde, and even changed her number next day so I can't get through.

I just wanted to give her second chance, and I'm suprised that she didn't even want to talk to me like a friend. She acts now like a total stranger. I don't know who to blame. If she had good memories about me she would propably call back and be happy to reminice the time we spend together.

I believe she is sitll mad at me because I ended our relationship...Otherwise she wouldn't mind talking to old friend....I didn't expect we could be together again after all these years, but I feel bad that I put so much emotion into her and she treats me now like a total stranger. Well, I dont care anymore.

Maybe I was not her type, and I she wans't mine, it was all about physical atraction and the images...She liked me because I was foreigner, cute guy who treats her nice, and I loved the idea of being with Japanese girl, because her uniquness, made her even more special in my mind. I needed a chalange in my life and I wound it in Junko, but I never realised it will be that difficult, especially that the begining of our relationship was so smooth and perfect...

 

[Elizabeth]

Good! Wally S san, it was your choice to leave her and you have nothing to regret about now.
And now that you've let out what you've kept in your heart for years on this forum,ﾂ you are, I hope, feeling better and refreshed, aren't you?
Now, smile, Wally S san, and keep loving your family.
:romance:

I've never encountered a Japanese person as interested in giving any advice or opinions on life situations as Kyoko_desu san I'm practically speachless.
You may get to be a permanent fixture here and I may even be back later with a few questions of my own on Japanese men...so far so good for us but the future is, as always, a bit confusing or uncertain.

 

[Wally S.]

Reply to Kyoko

Good! Wally S san, it was your choice to leave her and you have nothing to regret about now.
And now that you've let out what you've kept in your heart for years on this forum, you are, I hope, feeling better and refreshed, aren't you?
Now, smile, Wally S san, and keep loving your family.
:romance:

The problem is that I spend so much time abroad, and I always had very demanding realtioship with women, I feel like I'm not happy with my wife because she is too good for me, she loves me a lot and she would sacrifice anything to be with me all her life.

It is ironic, because she gave me everything what I expected from Junko...
Because after I realtionship with Junko, I been with another asian girl Thai/American called Chanieng for 2 years, it was more fulfilled but we didn't make a good couple.

Now I feel like I need challange to be happy. And my wife is same nationality then me, and she is just to good and perfect. I feel like I didn't have to fight for her, she gave me everything; love and attention right away.

Although now I understand that Junko was not for me and we were not ment to be togher, I still see her face when I think about great love of my life...

 

[MajideSaiaku]

You know Wally, when i go to bed at night, the first thing which pops into my head is the memory of my girlfriend sleeping with me, her warmth warming up the bed, her head on my shoulder and her arm across my chest.
I cant just go to sleep as normal anymore, i lay there for a few minutes, just remembering that mostr special time together, sleeping together, no sex, no playing, just laying there and keeping each other warm and happy and content and safe from the darkness and cold around us.
She is my girlfriend, we have been together for 3-4 years (my memory isnt that great) i do remember almost the exact words of her first email though.
Never once when i go to bed and all my guards are down and my thoughts random, have i ever once thought of any of my previous girlfriends....i thought i lvoed them for sure, and before i met my girlfriend sometimes i wondered how they were doing, but i've never thought of trying to contact them and since being with my girlfriend, i have never gave them a second thought.
What im getting at is....why do you think so much about junko? why does she invade your dreams and thoughts like this? what is so special about Flinko that you give more attention to her then anyone else when its so clear what a non-relationship was.....you barely knew her, and afterwards you two were no more then penpals effectively, so why do you afford her so much attention?.
Do you think of your wife when you go to bed without her?....does your wife register at all?....when you sleep together do you not feel safe and content and happy to have her there? does the sound of her breathing not seem like you could spend hours in darkness just listening to it because sleep seems a poor trade for being awake and trying to enjoy her presence as if it was a healing aura?.
What i mean is, did you marry for love? is Junko the real issue or does she simply serve as a way for you to (poorly) try and express your feelings about your current relationship?....people generally only think of old flames when they are single and feeling lonely or in a bad current relationship, or its simply not working/fullfilling your needs.
Is Junko really the issue? or is it perhaps really you and your current relationship?.
Forgive my musings, but please believe me when i say, for most of us following your problem, we simply cant figure out why you are pouring so much energy and attention into a long-dead relationship that wasnt really anythnig spectacular especially when you already have a wife.
I really hope you find peace with this Junko issue wally, most of us are follwong this and hoping you can but Junko behind you.