I regret I fell in love with Japanese girl

[Mikawa Ossan]

Ok, you don't have to say you love her because you see each other every day, but we didn't see each other for long time, how else should I know she still cares about me if she never wrote anything to that effect???

As was it the Emporer(?) said, "You assume too much, young Skywalker." (Star Wars allusion) I haven't seen my girlfriend even once since we decided to be an item. I haven't talked to her on the phone, either. Our primary form of contact is short text messages on our mobile phones.

How else should you know? She WAS your girlfriend after all. Have some confidence in you, her, and your relationship!

The culture I come from, I'm Polish/American..we value the affection and love letters are the "must" when the "lovers" are seperated.

Please refer to the other thread. As I said there, I think you are both equally to blame for the demise of your relationship.

 

[Wally S.]

If I knew that, I propably would stick for much longer.

Put yourself in her shoes. It sounds to me that she could very legitimately make very similar claims as you are.
First of all, please don't assume too much about me. I have had my share of long-distance relationships, too. I understand your situation better than you might think.
Secondly, this is a big part of your problem, isn't it? She already knew. You apparently didn't.
This is the heart, the crux of your problem. You both completely misunderstood each other.
I am not saying that she is completely free from blame in the ending of your relationship. But you say that your culture should not be ignored by her. It sounds to me like you didn't give much leeway for her culture either. In my estimation you are both 50% responsible for your breakup.
If this sounds rude at all, please know that it is not my intention to do so. I just want to give you my straight opinion.

Perheaps we both misunderstood each other unintentionally, but I was explaining a lot to her in my letters...I am certain that she knew exactly what I wanted, my intentions.

Junko on the other hand has hidden her true intentions, and she would ignore personal questions that I asked her in my letters to her. She only replied to once that were general about my and her work, familly, hobbies and carrier.

The only time she spoke about feelings in her letters is when I accused her of "having stone instead of heart" and I told her that talking to her (about feelings) is like talking to the wall" to which she responded furiously, she told me that I want to "possess her"....which was not true, she really got mad at me. But I said that to her because she kept ignoring my questions completly.

The other time when she dared to talk about her feelings is when I wrote her that "It brings tears to my eyes whenever I think of her" she replied; "I thought you were kidding, don't cry thinking about me, have fun every day"...
This is not an answer I expected.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Hey Wally! How about keeping this conversation to one thread? I think that would make it easier on both of us, and anyone else you responds as well! I vote for the other thread, just because I've already made my reply to this post over there. How does that sound?

 

[MajideSaiaku]

I hate to say this Wally but....maybe she just wanted a fling, she was a young 19 year old, you were an american soldier, its not exactly unheard of and i was a little more confused of the situation in yuor other thread until i read this and you informed us of the crucial fact you were an american soldier.
Its no secret some Japanese girls and women just sleep with American soldiers and foreigners because its a fashion statement to them.
You didnt know of this particular habit of some women so, your not to blame, if you had known this at the time, you would have probably figured out why she gave the response she did when you said those words.
As for lover, and saying wait for me, it was said in bed man, what do you expect, for a start, lover is used, at least in the UK much more to do with a sexual relationship then an emotional one, thats just how it is, its not a uniquely Japanese thing, secondly people say all sorts of things durring the heat of the momment and passion of sex, you should have probably talked about this with her after the sex and stuff.
Seriously though you only really have yourself to blame, it didnt sound like the kind of encounter that should have made you think that suddenly it was love and an awsomely romantic relationship destined for great things.......your dwelling over a pointless fling that you jumped the gun on and made a huge mis-understanding...stop hurting yourself over it and move on, you cant afford to be punishing yourself with the bad feelings your dwelling over.
Forget it and move on.
Edit: also, as i have said in your other post, at 27 she is probably married with a child by now, and has long forgotten you, trying to contact her and dwelling on it is not only bad for you, its a little futile, pointless, and dangerous, men who invest such effort and attention on women who dont want it have a habit of being put away for being stalkers, i know your better then to degenerate into that, be the bigger man and move on, think about YOUR life for a change instead of hers, because, she has lnog since gotten over you, your effectively pining and dwelling over a ghost, what little attention to a relationship she gave, even if it was just to remember your name on a day to day basis has long died, she has moved on with her life. Move on with yours, your future is no longer revolving around her, accept this and find your own destiny, and with any luck, another women who is more suitable for you.

Fortunatelly, I have a wife who gave me everything, and more. But I still regret I fell for this Japanese girl.

Then what are you doing here??, dont waste your time on this forum pining over long lost flings, go to your wife, hold her, tell her you care, and just be happy you have what you have now!

I would give anything to be able to hold my girlfriend right now, you have your wife, you can come home to each other, that is such a precious thing and youhave it avaliable to you right now! forget Junko, she was a little girl who wanted some foreign man c*ck, your wife loves you and is there for you this very momment, find that place within you that lets you get closure and forget her, she's gotten way too much attention from you then she ever deserved.

 

[Wally S.]

No wonder I have run away form "this" love, it was surreal...

Its no secret some Japanese girls and women just sleep with American soldiers and foreigners because its a fashion statement to them.You didnt know of this particular habit of some women so, your not to blame, if you had known this at the time, you would have probably figured out why she gave the response she did when you said those words.

Just as it is no secret that Polish boys..(or many other Europeans) look for that special "one and only" lady in their life They loose their heads over them, do crazy stuff for them, pouring all love over them, making sucrifices and thinking this is what the real love is supposed to be!

I is true that I was looking for someone special and the fact that she was naturally different; Japanese added to her "uniqueness". Because I never had a chance to spend enough time together to get to know real Junko, I've imagined her according to my idea of perfect "lover"..the one that loves with her heart not only with her ...cute little body.

Unfortuantelly, Junko in reality is entirelly different women that I have imagined. I think that I will never understand her idea of love, and perheaps the circumstances have saved me from more agonu. Seriously when I had long distance realionship with her I though that my "love realationship" with Junko is surreal, and a bad dream come true. She officially was my girlfriend kept writing letters for 1 and 1/2 years untill I broke it off, but she didn't do what girlfriends do....

I can not imagine being with person that never gets emotional and think's this is OK...even if her culture aproves it.

 

[Wally S.]

Hey Wally! How about keeping this conversation to one thread? I think that would make it easier on both of us, and anyone else you responds as well! I vote for the other thread, just because I've already made my reply to this post over there. How does that sound?

This thread is about"My relationship with Junko" the other has to do more with "pecularities of the Japanese culture". I didn't intend the other thread to be about me and her, but the discussion has turned that way.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Fortunatelly, I have a wife who gave me everything, and more.

If this is true, then what is your problem? You had a bad experience you want to dwell on forever? I say forget about Junko and focus on your wife. I think it's unfair to her that you are devoting so much energy to another woman.

 

[Elizabeth]

I can not imagine being with person that never gets emotional and think's this is OK...even if her culture aproves it.

I don't know about Europeans, but on the whole my experience with Japanese people is that they tend to be much more emotional than Americans just under the surface. If they aren't into creating fantasies that fit their own unmanaged needs and basing 2 years of their life on a surreal imaginary image of a partner they didn't spend enough time with to know sufficiently....well obviously that isn't for everyone but it is a mentality I personally find extremely refreshing.

 

[Wally S.]

Don't use psychological torture on your lover...Just tell him/her I love you!

I don't know about Europeans, but on the whole my experience with Japanese people is that they tend to be much more emotional than Americans just under the surface. If they aren't into creating fantasies that fit their own unmanaged needs and basing 2 years of their life on a surreal imaginary image of a partner they didn't spend enough time with to know sufficiently....well obviously that isn't for everyone but it is a mentality I personally find extremely refreshing.

Well, my ex-girlfriend Junko had this surreal imaginary image of the partner who waits 2 years for her... not expecting to hear words of encouragement, and reasurence of her love.

I'm not much into psychological torture and mental abuse... Sometimes it it perfectly ok to say "Sorry, I'm not ready to give you love righ now". Besides if the Japanese way was "the way" then we wouldn't have much of the civilized world say " I love you" and "I miss you" to their life partners.

 

[nice gaijin]

Wally, I've retold your story to a number of Japanese people and students of the language and culture, using the same words you quoted from her letters, and the response has been universal; she WAS being clear that she didn't share your feelings. Years later you're still holding onto these grievences, but like others have said, she has probably long since moved on; you should do the same.

 

[MajideSaiaku]

Yeah, it seems such a waste of energy stewing over a fling, you shouldnt regret anything, even the relationships that failed, they were all experiences which made you better prepared for your now wife, be fair to her and forget Junko and start thinking of your wife, Junko is in the past, all relationship with her dead, your wife is here and now in the present, and very much involved with you, do her a favour and forget Junko, it was a blip, a non-entity, yes you waited 2 years and it amonuted to nothing, but thats life, thats early relationships, you learn from them and move on.

 

[Wally S.]

Well, now I feel used..I was merely her "fashion statement"...

Wally, I've retold your story to a number of Japanese people and students of the language and culture, using the same words you quoted from her letters, and the response has been universal; she WAS being clear that she didn't share your feelings. Years later you're still holding onto these grievences, but like others have said, she has probably long since moved on; you should do the same.

Well, I don't know what to say...should I feel ambarrased that you guys discussed me as the case study of love between Japanese girl making a "fashon statement" by sleeping with me "the naive foreigner"?

Well, I'm not suprised of the response from your Japanese class...because they propably share her views on the subject of "love and relationship". Still, my views on the subject differ sharply, because I been raised in Central Europe where romance and feeling are given great deal of attention, and sex is sort of uneasy subject...Junko on the other hand felt comfortably stating her needs as far as sex was concerned, but feel silent whenever I brough up my feelings and "love".

Naive I was perheaps...but she did continue corespondence and telephone contact with me for almost 2 years, I'm certain that she did wanted continue our relationship, but I wasn't satisfied with it, because it was devoided of affection, from her side. NOw it is clear for me that she wanted sex and keep me as an option...but I needed more serious realtionship that she could offer.

I'm sure if you discussed my story with European students, they would come up with entirely different coments than your Japanese class.

Did you guys come up with any other interesting conclusions?

 

[Wally S.]

This is great!

Yeah, it seems such a waste of energy stewing over a fling, you shouldnt regret anything, even the relationships that failed, they were all experiences which made you better prepared for your now wife, be fair to her and forget Junko and start thinking of your wife, Junko is in the past, all relationship with her dead, your wife is here and now in the present, and very much involved with you, do her a favour and forget Junko, it was a blip, a non-entity, yes you waited 2 years and it amonuted to nothing, but thats life, thats early relationships, you learn from them and move on.

So after all I was right when I told Junko that "she had stone instead of heart" and "talking to her (about feelings) was like talking to a wall.."

Well, I guess its not such a bad thing for a guy to having been used as a sex toy..and a "fashion statement"

 

[Alma]

...most Japanese girls wouldn't come out and say that they don't love you, or that they don't think that it'll work out; they're much more subtle than that...

is this really true? it doesn't make sense to me..? how is that she could slept with him, and do not show him her real feelings? well, maybe it's just me, but i think it should be otherwise - first show and give your soul, then body

Wally S. - don't regret for loving her.. do not ever regret for loving anybody, even it breaks your heart.. giving love is what really counts, and you are happy man who felt that love inside and was able to give it... and that changed you, I'm sure, but move on, and find another one who will appreciate love you gave and give it back to you. i'm sure you are still capable do to it.

 

[Elizabeth]

Well, my ex-girlfriend Junko had this surreal imaginary image of the partner who waits 2 years for her... not expecting to hear words of encouragement, and reasurence of her love.
I'm not much into psychological torture and mental abuse... Sometimes it it perfectly ok to say "Sorry, I'm not ready to give you love righ now". Besides if the Japanese way was "the way" then we wouldn't have much of the civilized world say " I love you" and "I miss you" to their life partners.

I suppose I'm still left guessing, looking back on the situation now, what you honestly expected from her -- in all probablity did not love you at the time, didn't expect to love you in the future and certainly wasn't planning on a shared future between the two of you as "life partners." Since you were the side intent on pursuing things, she went along for a while without making it a major investment growing increasingly distant as the cultural/personality divide became more obvious.

Japanese people are comfortable with an unspoken system of emotional communication for a variety reasons, of course not always without psychological consequences -- particularly for children growing up in overtly unaffectionate families. On the other hand, I've never heard anything approaching this level of distress on the need to "Westernize" and "modernize" from anyone actually "suffering" under it. Whatever "civilize" means in this context -- telling each current partner you 'love' them more indiscriminately most of the time only half-sincerely and without the knowledge to back it up, only to later break up or divorce ? ☝

 

[Wally S.]

I agree with you totaly Alma!

is this really true? it doesn't make sense to me..? how is that she could slept with him, and do not show him her real feelings? well, maybe it's just me, but i think it should be otherwise - first show and give your soul, then body
Wally S. - don't regret for loving her.. do not ever regret for loving anybody, even it breaks your heart.. giving love is what really counts, and you are happy man who felt that love inside and was able to give it... and that changed you, I'm sure, but move on, and find another one who will appreciate love you gave and give it back to you. i'm sure you are still capable do to it. __________________
''In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.'' Charlie Brown

It is strange yet remarkable that for some reason you brough up Charlie Brown quote...because Junko loved that movie, because she wanted to be a flight attendant.

I guess you don't know Japanese, just as I had no idea about their culture concerning love and relationship. Thanks for your words of encouragement, I was fortunate to find real love after all. But it is ironic that I am unable to love my wife as much as I loved Junko. What makes it all more strange is that my wife gave me everything, her love and time, on the other hand Junko was sort of using me and leading me on for the while, asking to wait for her when we had so called "long distance realtionship"..while not giving much love in return.

I dont regret I met her, I just feel silly and naive that I fell in love with her...while she didn't really diserved it. Sure she was nice and lovely girl for the most part, but she didn't bother to think it was cruel of her to keep me waiting for her while she was not giving me any affection back. I believe it is rude and immoral to keep using your partner, if the girl doesn't love him back, regardles whether Japanese culture doens't obligate the women to be honest with her man.


In my culture (European) it is understood that lovers show love and affection in letters, aspecially if they are seperated fo the long time!

 

[Wally S.]

Not verbalizing love is the recipe for misunderstanding and trouble!

I suppose I'm still left guessing, looking back on the situation now, what you honestly expected from her -- in all probablity did not love you at the time, didn't expect to love you in the future and certainly wasn't planning on a shared future between the two of you as "life partners." Since you were the side intent on pursuing things, she went along for a while without making it a major investment growing increasingly distant as the cultural/personality divide became more obvious.
Japanese people are comfortable with an unspoken system of emotional communication for a variety reasons, of course not always without psychological consequences ☝

Well, she gave me reasons to keep secondguessing, because she did said that she "can't change anything about herself but she wants to see me again! " I'm guessing it was difficult for her to confess love, but she did wanted to be my girlfriend in future as well.

Yes, it is true that when people don't verbalize their feelings, they cometimes create misunderstanding and problems that otherwise would never happen...I know it was the case in our relaitonship.

If she didn't love did she continue writing letters, (regardless how impersonal they were)? I think if a women tells the guy to wait for her it means something, but waiting doesnt come cheap either...

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Fortunatelly, I have a wife who gave me everything, and more.

If this is true, then what is your problem? You had a bad experience you want to dwell on forever? I say forget about Junko and focus on your wife. I think it's unfair to her that you are devoting so much energy to another woman.

..........

 

[dreamer]

+1

 

[Wally S.]

?

+1

Dreamer, is this french for saying... what???

 

[strongvoicesforward]

What a cold-hearted story in the OP. I feel for you Wally. Japanese/non-japanese romance is at times querky. I`ve been on both sides of the fence -- being the duped, or doing the duping. It wears down though with age.

Lick your wounds and move on. Cliche`s suck, but sometimes they are good advice.

Good luck.

 

[Elizabeth]

Well, she gave me reasons to keep secondguessing, because she did said that she "can't change anything about herself but she wants to see me again! " I'm guessing it was difficult for her to confess love, but she did wanted to be my girlfriend in future as well.
Yes, it is true that when people don't verbalize their feelings, they cometimes create misunderstanding and problems that otherwise would never happen...I know it was the case in our relaitonship.
If she didn't love did she continue writing letters, (regardless how impersonal they were)? I think if a women tells the guy to wait for her it means something, but waiting doesnt come cheap either...

Continue to believe what you will....but just as a final thought from my perspective to not give your wife the fullest, most loving and meaningful relationship she deserves becomes just as immoral and insidious as anything Junko allegedly perpetrated.

 

[Void]

well... i once read: "if someone doesn`t love you the way you wanted it doesn`t mean that he/she doesn`t love you at all"

 

[strongvoicesforward]

I haven`t read the whole thread, but in recent posts some have pointed out that perhaps Wally`s dwelling on this past 'love' is some kind of betrayal to his present wife, and that he robs her of full attention by even caring about this past relationship with Junko.

IMO, I think there is some truth to that. But, don`t many of us go down "what if" street about old loves even though we are happily married. I sure do, and love my wife dearly -- but there are those past loves that do leave me wondering where different roads would have lead.

But, for the record, I am quite happy on the road I am now with my wife. ;-)

 

[MajideSaiaku]

I am a bit concerned wally has stated he loved Junko more then his wife i mean, one of them is married to him and with him, the other was just a fling and a two year dead-end.

Honestly, Wally, what im saying is in my honest opinion, i think your giving, and have given more attention to the JUNK-o issue then it ever deserved, it was a fling, and then a two year maybe-well-meet-but-no-promises-or-plans.

You have already wasted way too much time on this then it ever deserved....everyone has thought about previous relationships, but never to this extent i think, never dwelling over a fling.

We've been saying to you to forget Junko and spend this attention on your wife, if you want your current and REAL relationship to remain healthy forget Junko once and forall, kill all memory or care for it, its in the past where it will remain for eternity, bringing it into your present only harms your relationships in the end.

Please....just move on.

- Nuri worried about you, man.