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I regret I fell in love with Japanese girl

Wally S.

Sempai
7 Apr 2006
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I met Junko in Osaka, while I was stationed in Japan with US Marines 8 years ago. Junko was 19 and seemed to be such a nice girl, I was 6 years older.

We slept togeter, she told me she want's to be my lover and a girlfriend and she asked me to wait for her. On the last day before I left Japan, I told her that I love her... I was suprised with the way she reacted by chocking and had this expression as if I said "I hate you"...instead "I love you"...

Anyways I didn't mind, and I would write love letters to her, to which she would respond "thanks for nice words" and generally avoided writing about her feelings, she never even once said "I miss you".... Yet she told me to "Look toward seeing me" she was planing to come to US to study at the college and see me.

It took 1 and 1/2 years before she finally came, during which time she send me only 8 letters (with 9 months breake), and I always called her first...

but instead of chossing university on the East coast (I lived in NC) she went to....Seattle, WA on the oposite coast (because all Japanesse students were there)....And she informed me that "she's finally comming to US to study at College in Seattle and although she has only 7-9 days winter or spring vacation she can see me then..." But that also implied she will spend next 2 years away from me. I guess her carrier and getting out of Japan was more important for her, and she ignored my needs completly while expecting I'll put up with this.

I was tired all of the wait especially that she never wrote me that "she missed me". I started dating other women and I didn't respond to her letter because I felt dissapointed, because she wanted to reduce me to the "vacation boyfriend"...She broke my heart, and I regret I ever met her, I think she was egoistic and selfish. Too bad I couldn't see through her lovely face, and see her true intentions in the first place.

I doubt she would ever be able to love me, and I'm romantic guy and I neeeded more affection, especially that we had long distance relationship..so the wan no sex either. I understand that she was under no obligation to fall in love with me, but I believe it was unfair of her to keep using me and accept my love letters and gifts, while she was not able to do the same thing for me. I think she should be honest....

Are all Japanese women like this? Or was I naive to fall for a girl that was unable to love...?

Last month I had a dream about her, so I had second thoughts, I found her number so I tried to contact her last weekend, and I got her answering machine, I even recognized her voice after 7 years, not only she didn't call back but she changed her number one day later.....so I can't get through. I don't think she ever blamed herself for our split up. I just made me realise that she is still cold, hartless woman...

Wally
 
Hi! To 4321go

4321go said:
~~ I'v read it ~
sympathize you ~

Hi, I'm guessing... you looking to find Japanese bride, or girlfriend? If, yes...Please be carefull and pick and choose before you fall in love with a wrong women.

I can not forget about her, not because I love her but I regret that I fell for her and invested so much love in her, but she was not worth it.
 
I think a big part of your problem is that you waited until the last day to tell her you love her.

(I got your PM. I'm sorry, but I've been rather busy as of late. Even so, I don't think I could be of much help.)
 
I'd simply recommend moving on. Most people make some mistakes in their love life, and most simply have to suck it up and move on.

In some ways, I think that girl's attitude (if I read correctly) towards romantic relationships isn't at all uncommon even in the North America. She's young, and not at all serious about any of her relationships. My sis at age 21 now seems to have a new guy she's interested in every two months.

The one guy who was serious and wanted to get married with her she dropped soon after. This guy was very responsible, hardworking, friendly, and looked like an older version of Harry Potter. He was a guy most girls would've tried to keep.

To answer your question, no, not all Japanese girls are like her. I've been married to a Japanese for six years, other here longer. At least my wife is more into romanticism than I. She also dislikes the idea of being apart for more than a couple days, and vehemently opposed an idea I had, that just one of us goes to Canada with my son every other trip just to save some money on the plane tickets.

But even the younger girls, some of them are right interested in getting married soon. I had a cute 23 year old student who looked like a huntress when I visited her workplace (I was there for Shaken). She found herself a husband, and got married six months later.
 
We all make mistakes. You made the mistake of falling in love with someone you had no chance of seeing again for nearly a decade, and not realizing that most Japanese girls wouldn't come out and say that they don't love you, or that they don't think that it'll work out; they're much more subtle than that. If the look on her face when you told her you loved her didn't tell you anything, the scarcity and tone of her correspondence should have. In her mind, she was probably being perfectly clear.
I'm sure you see her as cold and heartless and incapable of love, but I'm willing to bet that she'd disagree.
 
nice gaijin said:
We all make mistakes. You made the mistake of falling in love with someone you had no chance of seeing again for nearly a decade, and not realizing that most Japanese girls wouldn't come out and say that they don't love you, or that they don't think that it'll work out; they're much more subtle than that. If the look on her face when you told her you loved her didn't tell you anything, the scarcity and tone of her correspondence should have. In her mind, she was probably being perfectly clear.
I'm sure you see her as cold and heartless and incapable of love, but I'm willing to bet that she'd disagree.

I think nice gaijin has hit the nail on the head.
 
Reply to Mikawa Ossan

Mikawa Ossan said:
I think a big part of your problem is that you waited until the last day to tell her you love her.
(I got your PM. I'm sorry, but I've been rather busy as of late. Even so, I don't think I could be of much help.)

Actually we only been together 5 days when I visited her in Osaka, and I told her I love her the night before I left. I don't think she expected to hear that, because we only knew each other for two months,( we had telephone conversations) because We met through her roommate also Japanese girl who was dating my roommate earlier, and she intorduced Junko to me.

Junko seemed to be happy that I came to see her, and I could tell she was happy that I treated her like a women, because she though she is not that atractive which was not true. She was very beautifull and everything went fine when we met in Osaka. But once I left she, never mentioned her feelings to me in the letter, but I expected we are going to exchange love leters, since she told me she wants me to be her "lover" and she wanted me to wait for her. I was disapointed, because she wrote letters but they were friendly, jet she told me not to worry, because we will meet again...

I don't understand why she never told me that; "I miss you" especially because when we had sex first time she asked me to kiss her afterwards...and she told me she wants to be my girlfriend...That's why I don't understand why, she never said anything later in the letters to me. I'm sure she was not cheating on me, but why was her letters so cold?
 
Girl who asks me to kiss her, is subtle? Hard to believe...

nice gaijin said:
We all make mistakes. You made the mistake of falling in love with someone you had no chance of seeing again for nearly a decade, and not realizing that most Japanese girls wouldn't come out and say that they don't love you, or that they don't think that it'll work out; they're much more subtle than that. If the look on her face when you told her you loved her didn't tell you anything, the scarcity and tone of her correspondence should have. In her mind, she was probably being perfectly clear.
I'm sure you see her as cold and heartless and incapable of love, but I'm willing to bet that she'd disagree.

Well, ok, but I think Junko should have been honest and tell me something like;"sorry...Wally I don't want to hurt you", or stop corespondence at together, instead she was maintaining corespondence, not even hinting at the all love I pour on her in my letters. She would only say "thanks for nice words"...

I understand that she was just being subtle with her feelings , but it somhow contrast with what she told me when I was with her in Osaka. She told me we can be lovers, and she wants to be my grilfriend, and it was her that hinted at having sex and even asked me to kiss her afterwards...I was not that bold at all. How do you explain that???
 
I'm very sorry for you Wally, a very bad story :-( Most of japanese girls are not like that, fortunatly, but that "better not to show my true feeling than hurting" seems unfortunately to be a way-of-living for japanese (woman)...

Gambatte!
 
Mamoru-kun said:
I'm very sorry for you Wally, a very bad story :-( Most of japanese girls are not like that, fortunatly, but that "better not to show my true feeling than hurting" seems unfortunately to be a way-of-living for japanese (woman)...

Gambatte!


Well, I would be happy if she told me "I don't love you" so I could forget about her. But this way I never found out, but I am almost certain that she didn't love me, maybe she liked me, but it was too little to keep long distance realtionship alive.

I think she has hurt me 1000 times more by not telling truth. I understand you can't expect women to fell in love with you after one week, but...don't you think if the guy waits for her 1 and 1/2 years writing her he misses her and want's to hold her again....and she acctepts those letters, don't you think I deserved at least hint at her feelings? I think most women would realise that she was hurting me not loving me back or at least being honest.

Thanks for your opinion, it really helps.
 
Wally S. said:
don't you think I deserved at least hint at her feelings?

I think you did deserve some more from her. She did seem to be leading you on there for a while. Maybe she didn't know how to tell you, or maybe she was just a keeping you there as a backup? I think though, that after she agreed to visit you for a short time once arriving in the US, that she just didn't know how to let you know her feelings. If she wanted to use you she would not have gone to the other side of the US and visited you for only a few days.
 
I think that I may have missed something...how long did you know this girl?


I'm afraid you were the victem of PX pu%&y! Sorry...no better way to say it. This girl was only 19... she wasn't looking for a long term relationship! Did you really think that she was?


She only wanted a man to go out with and have fun. You had a steady paycheck, time on your hands, were polite, but at the same time, you were only here for a little while and then she could move on! I've seen it many, many times. I've even seen 23 yr old service men marry 40 yr old Japanese women who have been doing this stuff for years and finally realized that they were running out of time and would eventually be lonely forever!
Sorry it happened to you!
 
Her "being subtle" costed me 2 years of loneliness :(

Index said:
I think you did deserve some more from her. She did seem to be leading you on there for a while. Maybe she didn't know how to tell you, or maybe she was just a keeping you there as a backup? I think though, that after she agreed to visit you for a short time once arriving in the US, that she just didn't know how to let you know her feelings. If she wanted to use you she would not have gone to the other side of the US and visited you for only a few days.

Nope, wrong again she was expecting...... me to fly from North Carolina to Washinghton State to see her during her spring vacation... And I expected that this time she will come to see me, like I came to see her in Osaka almost 2 years earlier.

Unfortunatelly it didn't happen, I overestimeted her feelings for me if there was any. But she knew she is not the only girl in the world, so why she kept me in suspence for so long. If she only told me she didn't love me I would be sad for a week and then I would forget about her. But instead she wasted my time, by "being subtle"....
 
Oh men, whas I sutpid or what?

CC1 said:
I think that I may have missed something...how long did you know this girl?
I'm afraid you were the victem of PX pu%&y! Sorry...no better way to say it. This girl was only 19... she wasn't looking for a long term relationship! Did you really think that she was?
She only wanted a man to go out with and have fun. You had a steady paycheck, time on your hands, were polite, but at the same time, you were only here for a little while and then she could move on! I've seen it many, many times. I've even seen 23 yr old service men marry 40 yr old Japanese women who have been doing this stuff for years and finally realized that they were running out of time and would eventually be lonely forever!
Sorry it happened to you!

If you are correct, then I'm glad I didn't waited any longer, and I didn't made a bigger full of myself by flying to her again this time across US so she can hace a "boyfriend for vacations". Still I think I gave her more credit then she diserved. I don't think I should waste more time thinking about her. Your posts help me a lot.

Fortunatelly, I have a wife who gave me everything, and more. But I still regret I fell for this Japanese girl.
 
Don't get me wrong. I'm not condeming the girl for what she did. Or the other women who do the same things. They get what they want, for a short period of time. And the man gets what he wants too.

I am only sorry that you didn't see it this way and fell in love.
 
Meeting someone on vacation Isn't the greatest way to find a perm relation.
I've had similar things,with germans,spanish girls,french girls.

Anyways,make sure that yuor love respons to your own in every way.
 
Ciao Wally,

I had a J girlfriend last year for 5/6 months, I meet her on airplane from Rome to Glasgow, we had wonderful time together, i was really into her.

She went back to Japan to Japan and she wrote me once a month, and a non affectionate manner, we argued about this via e-mail as I am the kind of person who likes to know where I stand. She made her point, she didn't miss me etc etc.. For me was just fine, though I suffered a bit but I could move on. Sometimes she writes me but I am looking for somebody who is for me.

Now, you cannot make people behave as you would like to and if they don't give you the respect you deserve, stuff it!
 
Hum... reminds me of the only girl I ever fell in love with ^^'
It was about the same as you, we met, had fun for 3-4 months and about 1 week before she went back to Japan we went to a party where she got a little drunk.
She then asked me to walk her home and that was on the way to her palce that she told me she liked me and would have liked something to happen between us. After that whenever I tried to call her she'd always say that she was too busy to see me...
Now that I think back, I think she wanted to play with my feelings. There's no way she'd have told me that just before she leaves but still... I guess the first confession is always moving... ^^'
Anyway, be strong and try to move on, disappointements always hurt, but you should manage to forget her if given enough time.
 
Lovers without love?

cursore said:
Ciao Wally,
I had a J girlfriend last year for 5/6 months, I meet her on airplane from Rome to Glasgow, we had wonderful time together, i was really into her.
She went back to Japan to Japan and she wrote me once a month, and a non affectionate manner, we argued about this via e-mail as I am the kind of person who likes to know where I stand. She made her point, she didn't miss me etc etc.. For me was just fine, though I suffered a bit but I could move on. Sometimes she writes me but I am looking for somebody who is for me.
Now, you cannot make people behave as you would like to and if they don't give you the respect you deserve, stuff it!


I think Japanese women, often don't understand "romance" the way we westerners do, they copy it like they do american/english rock dressing up silly but they they don't get to the heart of it.
It was exactly same way with me and Junko, she said she wants to be my "lover" but she never said "I love you". She said she wants me to "wait for her" but she never said "I miss you"....

What kind of relationship is that?
 
Subtleness hurts...I prefer painfull truth

]-wandering-raven-[ said:
Meeting someone on vacation Isn't the greatest way to find a perm relation.
I've had similar things,with germans,spanish girls,french girls.
Anyways,make sure that your love respons to your own in every way.


Your last sentence says everything!!! I think I gave her a chance which she rejected. I only regret that I couldn't sort through ther "subtle words", now I can see clearly that ther scarce letters and the manner she replied to my love letters could only mean, that she didn't feel they way I did.

Still, she should have leave me alone, you guys say that she didn't want to cause offence by telling me straigh; "I don't love you Wally"...but In reality she was cruel that way because she made me suffer even more.
 
Well, not all Japanese are like that. But there is some truth to what you said Wally. Some Japanese women/men don't get the meaning of "love" or affection. They most of the time just want to have a good time and don't want to be alone. But like I said, not all are like that !! :)
 
It was exactly same way with me and Junko, she said she wants to be my "lover" but she never said "I love you". She said she wants me to "wait for her" but she never said "I miss you"....

On the other side.. we western are a bit too full of this romance stuff, we put it even where doesn't go... If Junko wanted only to have a light relationship limited to bed only, Perhaps she was clear on what she wanted from you, you might accepted it believing that something more could happen. There is nothing wrong in wanting a "friend to go to sleep with" as long as both parties play the same game.

For the future you might want to divide between giving your hearth or your body or both.
 
EDIT: I thought that I had an extreme sense of deja vu when writing this, and now I know why. It was on the other thread by Wally that I posted this before. Sorry for the redundancy!

The more I read about Junko, the more I can understand her position. I think she is very normal for a Japanese girl. I do not think she is unfeeling or cruel. What I do think is that you fell prey to cultural differences in regard to love and dating.

That hot and passionate love which is so esteemed in the States simply isn't so esteemed in Japan. In the average relationship, it seems that the ONLY time you tell someone how you feel like that is when you want to initiate the relationship. After that the only time when it might come up is in a crisis situation when you want to save the relationship. But not in everyday life, not even in long-distance relationships.

It is VERY awkward to pronounce one's love in Japanese in most situations. It's just not something that is regularly done. This is a cultural thing, and if you can not accept it, you will have a difficult time dating Japanese people.

Translating what you might say in Japanese comes out as quite cold in English oftentimes, but that is not the intention.

Here's what I think: I think that Junko started out with the intention to date you seriously, just as you were apparently serious about her. Unfortunately, she did not really know the assumptions towards love and romance that you held, and likewise for you. Therefore, both of you proceeded with what you knew. Unfortunately, they are not always compatible. So whereas you felt neglected, she felt suffocated.

In my (albeit new) relationship with my girlfriend, I have NEVER said anything to the effect that I miss her or that I love her. Same goes for her towards me. The closest that we come to that is apologizing for not having time to meet. But we know that we care because we are together anyways. It doesn't need to be said, because we already know. Saying it doesn't make it any more true, and not saying it doesn't make it any less true.
 
She was suffocated, I was starved to death....

Mikawa Ossan said:
It is VERY awkward to pronounce one's love in Japanese in most situations. It's just not something that is regularly done. This is a cultural thing, and if you can not accept it, you will have a difficult time dating Japanese people.

Here's what I think: I think that Junko started out with the intention to date you seriously, just as you were apparently serious about her. Unfortunately, she did not really know the assumptions towards love and romance that you held, and likewise for you. Therefore, both of you proceeded with what you knew. Unfortunately, they are not always compatible. So whereas you felt neglected, she felt suffocated.

In my (albeit new) relationship with my girlfriend, I have NEVER said anything to the effect that I miss her or that I love her. Same goes for her towards me. The closest that we come to that is apologizing for not having time to meet. But we know that we care because we are together anyways. It doesn't need to be said, because we already know. Saying it doesn't make it any more true, and not saying it doesn't make it any less true.

Well, it was not only the matter that I was dating "Japanese girl" what everyone overlooks is that Junko was dating "western boy"....so it is not implied that our relationship supposed to be played by Japanese rules of dating solely...wouldn' you agree?

Ok, you don't have to say you love her because you see each other every day, but we didn't see each other for long time, how else should I know she still cares about me if she never wrote anything to that effect???

The culture I come from, I'm Polish/American..we value the affection and love letters are the "must" when the "lovers" are seperated.
 
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