涙なんか押し戻してなかったことにしたくて

目が壊れてしまったみたいに、涙が湧き出てくる。僕は両手で必死にめぐう。涙なんか押し戻してなかったことにしたくて、拳を目に押しつける。

Hi. I know the gist of the underlined part is "I want to shove the tears back". So why is てなかった used here? How should I make sense of it? Can't we just say 涙なんか押し戻すことにしたくて?
Thank you.

Oh. I see. It should be "I want to pretend I haven't been shoving the tears back".

I don't think so? Your translation would be for,

涙なんか押し戻しなかったことにしたくて or else 涙なんか押し戻したことをなかったことにしたくて or the like.

The actual
涙なんか押し戻してなかったことにしたくて
I think means "wanting to push the tears back in and pretend they had never been".

That is, I believe ない here means 涙がなかった, not 押し戻したことがなかった.

Also, in 僕は両手で必死にめぐう。 ... is this a typo for ぬぐう?

Grammatically, 押し戻してなかったことにしたい can be both the contraction of 押し戻していなかったことにしたい, as zuotengdazuo-san interpreted, and 押し戻して、なかったことにしたい, as Chris-san did. (More accurately, it's "I pushed the tears back in and I wanted to pretend they had never been", though.) Judging from the context, Chris-san's interpretation is correct in the example sentence. "I want to pretend I haven't been shoving the tears back" is not the same as "I want to pretend I'm not shedding tears" in meaning, and the latter is his intention here.

涙なんか is the object of 押し戻す, and at the same time it's the object or subject of なかったことにしたい. (Both 涙を「なかったこと」にしたい and 「涙がなかった」ことにしたい are possible. The meaning is the same anyway, though.)

Thank you both.

SomeCallMeChris said:

Also, in 僕は両手で必死にめぐう。 ... is this a typo for ぬぐう?

Click to expand...

Yes. Sorry for that.