Women: How to Never Take Love for Granted

[Damicci]

From MSN: How to Never Take Love for Granted
by Lisa Lombardi
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The great thing about being longtime in love: having a relationship you know you can always count on. The not-so-great thing: occasionally forgetting to appreciate what a gift your love really is. Here's how to ensure you'll always cherish each other ﾂ― and the love you share.

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I'll admit it: Most nights, I dress for bed in a style that could best be described as "shut-in chic." My husband's pj bottoms (yards too long and minus their drawstrings), stretched-out T-shirts inherited from college boyfriends, and the first two socks I find. Of course, I dress that way because it's comfortable. But I also do it because we're comfortable. No need to break out the cute lingerie like I did in the first months of marriage: I know my guy loves me no matter what.

But in taking our solid bond as a given, am I unintentionally taking our love for granted? Falling into auto-pilot mode is a hazard of the happily hitched, says Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a Los-Angeles based relationship therapist. "It's so normal, but that doesn't mean it's healthy," she says. "You start feeling comfortable and safe, and you don't stop to think: Gosh, could we be neglecting each other?" Or, more importantly, could you both be forgetting to cherish your unique, amazing relationship?

The misconception is that when you've found long-term love, you can put your feet up, adds Janice Levine, Ph.D., couples therapist in Lexington, MA, and author of Why Do Fools Fall in Love?

"Nothing could be further from the truth," she explains. "This is the person who'll be there for you through thick and thin. Because of that, it's the most precious relationship to nurture and take care of."

While it's easy to slip into taking your love for granted, it's also easy for the two of you to keep your relationship top-of-mind, simply by incorporating some no-fuss appreciation exercises into your love routine. Read on for a few everyday ways to celebrate and savor that good thing you've got.

1. Be grateful for the tiny stuff.

Maybe you always say thanks when he does something huge, like backs up your computer files or cleans out the basement. But most days, we're guessing the ordinary contributions he makes barely register. "Over time, we stop noticing what our partner gives. His nice gestures become like wallpaper," says Levine. "We think, Of course he'll take the trash out. So we don't bother to say, 'Thank you.'" Here's why you should: Those two words not only make your man feel like a rock star, they also bring out his sweetest feelings toward you (making him more inclined to thank you for all you do). And the more you acknowledge the tenderness that's already there, the more conscious of it you'll be, and the more you'll truly appreciate just how downright great your love is.

To show him how grateful you are, "get really specific," urges Betsy Sanby, a licensed marriage therapist in Minnetonka, Minnesota. ("Thanks for picking up the take-out ﾂ― I was so exhausted and you made my night!") You can even jot down your gratitude, as Jennifer Miller, 38, of Santa Clarita, CA, does. "When my husband has been great to me, I write it down on a slip of paper, date it, then place it where he'll find it later, like on the computer keyboard or in a stack of mail," she says. "They're often very concrete things, like 'Thank you for staying up late last night and making sure the bills got paid.'" It takes all of ten seconds, she says, but "I know it means a lot to him, because he keeps every note."

2. Stop being so darned efficient.

It's easy to drift out of couple mode when you're each racing to divide and conquer every task on your to-do lists. "Often, both of you get so busy managing your household responsibilities, it's like you're a tag team, on parallel tracks," says Sanby. In the blur of jam-packed days, you may not even notice what a great team you make ﾂ― or have a conversation beyond, 'You pick up Dylan, and I'll get Maddie. Okay, go!'" But even the strongest couples need lazy moments ﾂ― ideally à deux ﾂ― to kick back, crack up (in a ha-ha way), and rediscover the joy of being together.

One solution: "Buy some time together ﾂ― literally," suggests Sanby. "Hire someone to take care of onerous tasks, like mowing the lawn." You don't need to burn through cash, though, to carve out us time. Consider dropping the least-loved activity from your (or your child's) schedule. Also, take advantage of free childcare, from eager grandparents to that neighbor who would gladly swap Saturday afternoon baby-sitting duties with you.

And don't underestimate the power of carting the Chinese-food cartons to the table (instead of noshing in front of the TV or at the counter). Elizabeth Hurchalla, 36, of Venice, CA, has found that simply sitting down together keeps her and her man connected during extra-stressful times. "We've both been working really crazy hours lately. But we try to have dinner together every night, just like our parents made us do with the family when we were growing up," she says. "Even if we're just eating leftovers, we light a candle and sometimes even put on music before we sit and talk about our days."

3. Connect for two good minutes a day.

Sure, weekly date nights are great, but who the heck can consistently pull them off? A more practical intimacy builder: Connect for 120 seconds every day, advises Cheryl McClary, author of The Commitment Chronicles: The Power of Staying Together. "Even the busiest pair can find two minutes to focus on each other," she says. "My husband and I pick 9:30 at night, when our kids are in bed." Spend the time giving your man one good compliment ("Your new haircut makes you look hot") or sharing a moment that made you smile ("It was so sweet when you took Ethan out for a bike ride after dinner"). You can also use it as check in time: Ask him, "Anything you wish I were doing more of?"

What's crucial is that you sneak in this one-on-one talk almost every day, even if it's when you're lying in bed at the end of the evening. "It doesn't work to wait until the weekend," adds Sanby. "You can drift far during the week." What you're really doing is reminding each other why you fell in love in the first place. "It's so beautiful to hear, that two minutes feel like 24 hours," notes McClary.

4. Wear your sweats ﾂ― but in moderation.

We all, ahem, relax our beauty standards once we're nestled in a cozy relationship. Maybe we lounge in clothes we'd never be seen in public in. Or we blow off our hairbrush. Often, our guy encourages us, either by letting himself go, or by complimenting us when we look our absolute worst. "Patrick tends to tell me I look beautiful when I'm sweaty after a run, or I'm a mess first in the morning, so it makes me try less," admits Amanda Dundas, 31, of Brooklyn, NY. "I don't spend an hour straightening my curly hair or bother with makeup, because it doesn't seem to matter to him."

Having a guy who accepts you as is can be a wonderful gift ﾂ― but it's easy to abuse. You don't need to blow out your hair as meticulously as Jennifer Aniston (and please, who has the time?), but you'll do your bond a big favor by making some effort, some days. It's not just for him, points out Levine: By touching up those roots or slathering on a rich body lotion, "you stay connected to your sensual side" ﾂ― meaning you'll stay connected to your sexual side, too, helping to keep up the intimacy and romance that makes love fun.

How many women or Men think they have taken love for granted. I don't if I have but I know several of My ex's that I think have taken my affection for granted.

 

[Goldiegirl]

Wow, great article. The little things are the reason my first marriage failed. You can never take the other person for granted, and you need to actually spend time together.

 

[Kinsao]

Ask him, "Anything you wish I were doing more of?"

... one of those questions I sometimes feel it's wiser not to ask...

That aside, yeah, taking people for granted is bad bad bad, quickly makes things go wrong it doesn't just apply to lovers but to friends as well!

 

[dreamer]

it doesn't just apply to lovers but to friends as well!

Yeah... reminds me of some friends who cut all contact with me because I never really had the time to see them... =/

 

[Pachipro]

I have been taken for granted and I have taken others for granted in the past out of immaturity and ignorance. But, like they say, experience is the best teacher and leads to wisdom. I was first married at 21 to a Japanese woman and divorced at 23 because of ignorance and lust.

Being married for 21 years to my second wife and together for 25, it's so easy to take each other for granted and we have. Believe me, we have. A long, loving relationship must be nurtured like a plant and you have to work at it else the relationship will become routine and eventually fail. Our relationship could've failed so easily more than a few times because of taking each other for granted and hard headedness on both sides.

Talking is a MUST. My wife and I keep the "spark" there by having "fantasy" nights where we are whatever the other person desires or fantasizes about. No questions asked. This is important as many couples fail to communicate their desires to each other out of fear of being thought "weird" or "perverted" by the other. But without this openess how are couples to communicate and fulfill their desires and fantasies? Most can't and resort to cheating or paying for what they want and desire.

We make sure we kiss everyday and we never fail to say "I love you" and mean it even when I (and probably she) don't want to or feel it is routine. It may sound corney to those who have been together a while, but it works for us.

Sure, she wears her sweats often at home and often presents herself as she never would in public, but that's what happens when you're together a long while. I myself am no "hunk" to her either by my wearing my sweats, scratching myself at all times and farting now and then. You become comfortable and get in a "comfort zone". You just have to accept it as, if they were living alone, that's how they would dress, look, and act. However, when the weekend comes, or it's "fantasy nite", to quote from an old song, "she makes me glad I am a man" and vice-versa. (or at least that's what I have been told.)

Also, we make sure we have a "date" nite at least once a week like on Saturday. That is a must for us and has become a ritual. Sometimes we'll get silly at home, put on some old songs, drink mizu wari (whisky water) and reminisce about when we met and the good times we had. That's important. Couples should never forget what drew them together in the first place and what they saw in each other.

Also, I think couples have to learn how to make each other laugh. One or both should be the comedian. That helps to keep the spark alive I believe.

Have we figured it out and do we know all the answers? No, I don't think so. I doubt any couple could, but we've figured out what works for us and so far it has been great of late. It hasn't been easy, but now I think it was worth it.

A diamond can never become a diamond without friction and pressure.

Good thread Damicci!

 

[Damicci]

I have been taken for granted and I have taken others for granted in the past out of immaturity and ignorance. But, like they say, experience is the best teacher and leads to wisdom. I was first married at 21 to a Japanese woman and divorced at 23 because of ignorance and lust.
Being married for 21 years to my second wife and together for 25, it's so easy to take each other for granted and we have. Believe me, we have. A long, loving relationship must be nurtured like a plant and you have to work at it else the relationship will become routine and eventually fail. Our relationship could've failed so easily more than a few times because of taking each other for granted and hard headedness on both sides.
Talking is a MUST. My wife and I keep the "spark" there by having "fantasy" nights where we are whatever the other person desires or fantasizes about. No questions asked. This is important as many couples fail to communicate their desires to each other out of fear of being thought "weird" or "perverted" by the other. But without this openess how are couples to communicate and fulfill their desires and fantasies? Most can't and resort to cheating or paying for what they want and desire.
We make sure we kiss everyday and we never fail to say "I love you" and mean it even when I (and probably she) don't want to or feel it is routine. It may sound corney to those who have been together a while, but it works for us.
Sure, she wears her sweats often at home and often presents herself as she never would in public, but that's what happens when you're together a long while. I myself am no "hunk" to her either by my wearing my sweats, scratching myself at all times and farting now and then. You become comfortable and get in a "comfort zone". You just have to accept it as, if they were living alone, that's how they would dress, look, and act. However, when the weekend comes, or it's "fantasy nite", to quote from an old song, "she makes me glad I am a man" and vice-versa. (or at least that's what I have been told.)
Also, we make sure we have a "date" nite at least once a week like on Saturday. That is a must for us and has become a ritual. Sometimes we'll get silly at home, put on some old songs, drink mizu wari (whisky water) and reminisce about when we met and the good times we had. That's important. Couples should never forget what drew them together in the first place and what they saw in each other.
Also, I think couples have to learn how to make each other laugh. One or both should be the comedian. That helps to keep the spark alive I believe.
Have we figured it out and do we know all the answers? No, I don't think so. I doubt any couple could, but we've figured out what works for us and so far it has been great of late. It hasn't been easy, but now I think it was worth it.
A diamond can never become a diamond without friction and pressure.
Good thread Damicci!

There so many points here to agree with that I have to quote the whole thing.

I am also moving into the bi-cultural marriage realm and believe that you should get it right the first time. I know it will be tough at times but that's the joy of difference in cultures. I want to put into action everything I can to make sure we work out. I think just having that attitude allows you to see the good thing you have going. But it's like Pachipro says, you have to do things to keep the love "alive". I am one to walys offer things to change the daily routine of a relationship. Movies, Dinners together, Just sitting at home watching tv together, talking what ever have you. I think it seems to become cumbersome after awhile and I am not why for some people. Maybe we just become lazy. But Many people think relationships fail b/c of the lack of attention or interest form the man side but I asted this article cause it shows that it's both parties fault when a relationship goes south.

 

[Grandpa Frank]

I think.......

that is why so many "old married couples" have pets; you crave love and attention so much, you get it from your cat or dog, not your spouse.



Uncle Frank

 

[Goldiegirl]

I wasn't old and married, just alone and married. And you know, I did get a dog just so I could come home to another heartbeat and have some company.

 

[Pachipro]

that is why so many "old married couples" have pets; you crave love and attention so much, you get it from your cat or dog, not your spouse.

I wasn't old and married, just alone and married. And you know, I did get a dog just so I could come home to another heartbeat and have some company.

I can't tell you over the years how many times I have heard a man say, "If she'd only love me like she does that dog/cat things would be great." I say, "Well maybe if you loved her like you did in the past she would. It's a sign. Open your eyes!"

And I have heard that women say the same things about men such as, "If only he'd spend as much time with me as he does with his friends or sports things would be different."

That's what happens when you fall into routine and a rut.

The problem with alot of couples who have not played the field long enough to "get it out of their system" or who are not emotionally and mature enough to marry yet, is that one or both still has a "wandering eye" and easily gets attracted by the opposite sex when a little interest is shown, especially when things are not good on the homefront or they have settled into a routine and a rut where they may think, "I don't have to say "I love you' because he/she should already know that. Or, with sex, "I'm tired of the same old routine making love. She/he refuses to do this or that and I'm afraid to ask what I really want because he/she will think I'm a pervert." So they "get it" outside the marriage or, if not, they remain frustrated and the marriage deteriorates into apathy and eventually, but not always, divorce.

But this entails both parties being completey open, honest and uninhibited with each other. Something that is not always easily attainable. But that is why you should both KNOW each others wants and needs BEFORE marriage. That's why I made sure we were compatible on the sexual front before deciding to get married and I was willing to wait as long as it took. And it took 7 years, but it was worth the wait as NO ONE outside of my marriage could give me what me what my wife does other than a different face and vice-versa. No need for a wandering eye here. Also, with the internet today, they (both male and female) often satisfy their fantasies there.

This can also happen in international marriages and often does. In my case, to be honest, I married the first time out of lust, way too young and immature and still had the wandering eye. It was stupid and I still regret it to this day. But that's water under the bridge now and I learned and grew from it. Still I feel bad though and I do hope she found happiness.

I can't tell you the number of times my wife and I have gone out, both in Japan and the US, and we see a married couple at another table and they hardly say a word to each other. It's really sad as you can see that all has become routine with them and they have forgotten what drew them together in the first place. They hardly even look at each other!

I believe most couples should be forbidden to marry until they are at least 25 and have gotten everything out of their system. But I wouldn believe it when I was 21. I said, "I know what the hell I am doing!" when I really didn't have a clue.

I am one to walys offer things to change the daily routine of a relationship. Movies, Dinners together, Just sitting at home watching tv together, talking what ever have you. I think it seems to become cumbersome after awhile and I am not why for some people. Maybe we just become lazy. But Many people think relationships fail b/c of the lack of attention or interest form the man side but I asted this article cause it shows that it's both parties fault when a relationship goes south.

Exactly! It usually is the fault of both parties, but not always. Sometimes the man or woman will do everything to keep the spark alive, but the other person refuses to go along. In your case Damicci I think you will be successful.

Even at our age we still hold hands even in public just like when we were dating. Even though it may be frowned upon in Japan we do it anyway. Thankfully that is changing in Japan these days.

I love football and my wife could never understand my interest in it and how I could spend all weekend watching it often at the expense of her and our relationship!

When the Tennessee Titans moved to Nashville some seven years ago my wife became interested and started watching games with me and asking questions such as, "what is a first down" etc. Soon she wanted to see a game and we went. She loved it. She said it was like going to a rock concert. We bought season tickets and now we spend all day Saturday watching college football at home or at a sports bar or restaurant and Sunday going to a game or watching it on TV.

We developed something that we could both enjoy together on our days off and it has brought us that much more together. But, we still have our other outside interests and that is important. Couples should have seperate hobbies and such and one should not interfere with it or friction will occur. One needs to "get away" once in a while. I didn't know this in my first marriage and at such a young age but I know it now.

But like Damicci said and quoted, it takes two to make a relationship work and it is continuous work along with communication. Constant communication.

As someone once said, "If you are not loving/making love to your spouse/partner, someone else will be!"

 

[-Rudel-]

couples fail to communicate their desires to each other out of fear of being thought "weird" or "perverted" by the other.

AI'm still working on that with my wife and it's difficult so far. The only thing I can give her is time.

 

[Kinsao]

I think honesty and communication are key parts of any relationship. Lovers, spouses, friends, even family members. I certainly can't imagine any relationship of mine working at all without those things.

@ Rudel : ... or perhaps you are perverted...

 

[Damicci]

So many typos in my posts. I really need some typing classes or something.I hope what I wanted to say was fairly understood. Sorry for the bad typing. I need to make an effort to proofread my post from now on.