What makes a relationship last?

[Revenant]

First off, I may be the materialistic guy between the two of us. I'm a guy, but I need my beer, cigs, and coffee. I ask nothing else. The wife never spends unnecessary money unless it's the once a month visit with one of her friends.

As far as what is most important, I think commitment is very important. It is quite something to decide on something and cut off all other options. The only situation in which I would intiate a divorce were if she were to have an affair. I don't think she will, and I refuse to think seriously along those lines without very good reason to.

But commitment must have some supports, and that is patience, or rather as I would put it, as serenity. I love the analogy of watching one's emotional river from the riverbank, watching the eddies and whirlpools rather than being in the river, right involved and pulled by every eddy and whirlpool.

That support works well in that I can look at what I am thinking, and realize that my perpective is not the best I can take on. Anger, irritation, etc, doesn't make me happy, and it sure as heck doesn't help me sort out whatever disagreement we may be having.

The other good support I see is just having good times, even in the bad times. When I speak of that, I speak of times when we are very financially stressed, or some situation along those lines. We can find humor in that, and while not everyone could understand my sense of humor, she does, and I understand hers.

Our values are quite similar. We are both more objective people, we are both less materialistic than the average person. We love drives, hikes, coffee shops, and camping.

Our interests at home couldn't be more different. I love history, philosophy (it might be psuedo-philosophy, but anyways, I'll just say it's philosophy), spirituality, religion, and some politics. I'm also fairly solitary.

She enjoys mystery books, food, meeting people, and making money.

Lastly, cultural differences have hardly been a big deal, with the exceptions of my doing something considered rude at the table every once in a while (i.e. pulling a dish towards me with my chopsticks, but she slurps noodles in Canada! Slurps!!!).

 

[Mamoru-kun]

All the above possibilities should be taken into account! (IMO)

 

[Maciamo]

How come you guys think it's up to you what money a girl spends? You bunch of chauvinists!

I meant that she is free to use the money she earns, but shouldn't expect me to buy too many brand clothes (as I personally don't care).

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

I am hardly qualified to post anything remotely wise-sounding here, as I have only had 1 relationship lasting more than 6 months in my whole lifetime. But I can speak from the experience of my many failures.

I think that one thing necessary for a relationship to last is having both parties pursueing the same or at least complementary things out of the relationship. I'm very sorry, but I can't explain this better. I just don't have the words.

Another thing is compromise.

Another thing is both sides have to want it to last.

 

[misa.j]

Please don't be sorry Mikawa Ossan. I believe every relationship you have, regardless the length is a learing experience.

The other good support I see is just having good times, even in the bad times. We can find humor in that, and while not everyone could understand my sense of humor, she does, and I understand hers.

I think having a sense of humor is extremely helpful when things seem difficult to handle. It can give you a totally new prospective and energy.

 

[mad pierrot]

Since I'm in a long distance relationship now,

and I have been before, I'd like to add something else.

Communication. I don't mean phone calls and letters.

I mean emotional communication. If there is something that is bothering you, get it out. Keeping things inside will make things worse, eventually. Same goes for good feelings. If you love someone, tell them. That can make all the difference in the world.

 

[misa.j]

If there is something that is bothering you, get it out.

I used to have problems communicating with my husband because I got too emotional before I could explain how I felt, which made things more complicated and tiring.(oh, how I hated being a woman in those days...no offense to the cool ladies out there!)

Language barrier can be such a frustration to have sometimes, but I think most of the important things in a relatiohship can be said with simple words if you try to make it simple.

 

[mad pierrot]

I'd like to add something else...

Passion.

I know that might sound goofy but it makes all the difference, too. The last long distance relationship I had worked out, but not very well. We were both simple too laid back to keep the flames going. Now, I write my girlfriend all the time, emails, letters, send her packages, we talk online, talk on the phone, etc. We both keep fanning the flames as much as we can. I think it helps keeps the relationship "alive."

 

[Winter]

All these responses about communication, trust, honor, loyalty, all other attributes mentioned but the most important one; love.

What good does it do anyone if you trust the person your with, understand them, communicate freely, or whatever else if you dont LOVE the person, you know?

Sure it seems like a 'no duh' statement, but whatever; I think that if you love the person enough, and they love you back truly, then every other attribute that it takes to make the relationship last will no doubt fall into place.

 

[-Rudel-]

I have an Aunt, that has been with a guy for nearly 15 years now. They never got married, or had children. I would think that some people do not need to feel the sense of love to make a relationship last.

Some have business relationships, purely for the money, etc.

I believe my Aunt's relationship is just to have someone around to have fun with. Her guy friend, boyfriend?, are clearly into old indian, western type artifacts and antiques.

Perhaps it is the things people have interests in that keep a relationship going too...

 

[Sensuikan San]

How come I didn't notice this thread before?

Anyhoo ... I voted for "caring about the other person" ... (and I presume, hoping they care about you! ).

Do that - and you've pretty well covered all the other options!

ﾆ淡ﾆ停?｡ﾆ停?

 

[Doc]

Respecting each other's space, communication, maturity, trust, love, allowing some alone time for one another, intimacy, passion, committment, compromise, working together, not centering the relationship around you, surprising each other by doing little things like going out of your way to buy a gallon of milk before coming home from work rather than waiting until the next day to do it, giving each other gifts, the list is endless. The bottom line is that a relationship requires a lot of hard work to stay strong in the long run, but it pays off in the end.

Doc

 

[Kinsao]

I've got nothing to add - I agree with what people have said already.

 

[Tsuyoiko]

Respecting each other's space, communication, maturity, trust, love, allowing some alone time for one another, intimacy, passion, committment, compromise, working together, not centering the relationship around you, surprising each other by doing little things like going out of your way to buy a gallon of milk before coming home from work rather than waiting until the next day to do it, giving each other gifts, the list is endless. The bottom line is that a relationship requires a lot of hard work to stay strong in the long run, but it pays off in the end.

Doc

It would be such a waste if you didn't get married some day!

 

[misa.j]

The bottom line is that a relationship requires a lot of hard work to stay strong in the long run, but it pays off in the end.

It seems so, and I agree with you in general although I feel that it could be harmonious without that much of a hard work if you are with the right person.

When you feel the most comfortable and understood with someone, that relationship can become solid.

 

[Doc]

It seems so, and I agree with you in general although I feel that it could be harmonious without that much of a hard work if you are with the right person.

When you feel the most comfortable and understood with someone, that relationship can become solid.

That is very true, but you must remember that there are a lot of couples who are in the illusion that a relationship doesn't require a lot of work and end up getting burned in the end. That is why I say that a relationship takes a lot of work, and sometimes hard work to stay together. It just depends on the couple and how harmonious they are as you pointed out.

Doc

 

[Carlson]

i dont know if this is strange.. but i think the reason i am in my relationship now is for fear of being alone...

 

[Doc]

i dont know if this is strange.. but i think the reason i am in my relationship now is for fear of being alone...

Now please don't take this the wrong way, but that is by far the worst reason to be in a relationship. I know from first hand experience from some of my closest friends that having a relationship for that sole reason is a signal for total disaster. If your only reason is for the fear of being alone, then you will never find the right partner that will make you and them both happy. Trust me it doesn't work if that is the only reason why you are in a relationship. If you are truly serious about being in a committed relationship then do on reasons other than being alone. Make sure there is a chemistry between you two, you both have a lot of similar likes and dislikes, you want to live with this person, etc. There are many other factors that must be taken into consideration first before ever going after the fear of being alone. Trust me doing so will make you a lot happier in your next relationship.

Doc

 

[Elizabeth]

Passion.

I know that might sound goofy but it makes all the difference, too. The last long distance relationship I had worked out, but not very well. We were both simple too laid back to keep the flames going. Now, I write my girlfriend all the time, emails, letters, send her packages, we talk online, talk on the phone, etc. We both keep fanning the flames as much as we can. I think it helps keeps the relationship "alive."

Gee how lucky. She must not have a normal Japanese job. . My boyfriend barely has time to read my email at work, gets annoyed if I send too many and is often too exhausted to make sense at the end of the day. I was extremely worried when I called today he was drunk or sleeping or drugged out his speech was so insensible but it seems to have been simple exhaustion.

So if someone wants to change my answer to 'Giving each other enough space...' that's more or less how I'm working to improve the atmosphere right now.

 

[Elizabeth]

LOL, she's a grad student in Canada. And I should note, we don't talk everyday, but I try to at least send her an email once every couple of days.

Eh, Canadian. Still it must be nice if she's a little more direct with her feelings and doesn't suffer the passive-aggressive disorder of most Japanese.

 

[kirei_na_me]

Eh, Canadian. Still it must be nice if she's a little more direct with her feelings and doesn't suffer the passive-aggressive disorder of most Japanese.

Amen to that.

All Japanese people I've ever been around have a huge problem with being passive-aggressive. Gosh, I hate it.

 

[Kinsao]

Amen to that.

All Japanese people I've ever been around have a huge problem with being passive-aggressive. Gosh, I hate it.

Hear, hear!

 

[Doc]

I wonder why? :?

Doc

 

[Elizabeth]

I wonder why? :?

Seriously ? Because it is all they are allowed to express themselves.

 

[Doc]

Why is that? Is it because of the pressures of society, or is it something else?

:?

Doc