TwistedMac
後輩
- 4 Mar 2004
- 2,267
- 96
did you read that in a romantic novel?
Need some advice for courting a Japanese exchange student
- Thread starter narblark
- Start date
- Thread starter
- #53
Perhaps I spoke too soon. Sorry I haven't said anything in so long. Class just ended yesterday and it took up most of my time.
On the next to last day of class (wednesday) I once again asked her out for tea. I had some kind of weird dream the night before. Once in a while my dreams will have a powerful impact on me that lasts until I sleep again. Somehow my dream made convinced me to ask her again, mostly for the sake of saying "I tried." I really expected her to shoot me down. So imagine my surprise when she accepted. We went to the Starbucks and drank some tea and chatted about school and stuff in between long silences. If it was an American girl I think I would see those silences as a bad sign. But from what I've read that may be different for Japanese girls.
Anyway, we I got her e-mail address from her and walked her back to her dorm. Then I went home.
The next day we had to present our group project and stuff. I didn't have time to talk to her much as we were all working like mad bastards trying to get everything put together in time.
Oh ****, I forgot something. During our tea I asked her if she'd like to go see a movie sometime. She said she would. That's why I got her e-mail address, to send her flick listings. I sent her the listing on wednesday, after tea.
Several hours after class on thursday I hadn't heard from her. On the off chance that my message earlier got bounced or something I sent her a short note about how great it was that the class was finally finished and told her that if she still wanted to see a movie just let me know. If I got no reply after that I was just going to toss the e-mail address and go play some Starcraft.
Well, lo and behold, on friday I got a message from her. She said she still wanted to see a movie but didn't think next week would work or something.
So..... now I don't know what to think. My earlier theory of her just needing help with the class is now shot, or at least mostly shot, because the class is over and she doesn't need my help. And she never really asked me for help during class anyway.
She may simply want someone to practice her English on.
Who knows, she may even like me.
At any rate, I'm not going to sweat it. We'll probably simply end up as just friends anyway, which is fine.
On the next to last day of class (wednesday) I once again asked her out for tea. I had some kind of weird dream the night before. Once in a while my dreams will have a powerful impact on me that lasts until I sleep again. Somehow my dream made convinced me to ask her again, mostly for the sake of saying "I tried." I really expected her to shoot me down. So imagine my surprise when she accepted. We went to the Starbucks and drank some tea and chatted about school and stuff in between long silences. If it was an American girl I think I would see those silences as a bad sign. But from what I've read that may be different for Japanese girls.
Anyway, we I got her e-mail address from her and walked her back to her dorm. Then I went home.
The next day we had to present our group project and stuff. I didn't have time to talk to her much as we were all working like mad bastards trying to get everything put together in time.
Oh ****, I forgot something. During our tea I asked her if she'd like to go see a movie sometime. She said she would. That's why I got her e-mail address, to send her flick listings. I sent her the listing on wednesday, after tea.
Several hours after class on thursday I hadn't heard from her. On the off chance that my message earlier got bounced or something I sent her a short note about how great it was that the class was finally finished and told her that if she still wanted to see a movie just let me know. If I got no reply after that I was just going to toss the e-mail address and go play some Starcraft.
Well, lo and behold, on friday I got a message from her. She said she still wanted to see a movie but didn't think next week would work or something.
So..... now I don't know what to think. My earlier theory of her just needing help with the class is now shot, or at least mostly shot, because the class is over and she doesn't need my help. And she never really asked me for help during class anyway.
She may simply want someone to practice her English on.
Who knows, she may even like me.
At any rate, I'm not going to sweat it. We'll probably simply end up as just friends anyway, which is fine.
Ewok85
先輩
- 14 Nov 2003
- 2,401
- 44
Being on exchange in a foreign country and attending college is one hell of a mighty task. I spent alot of time studying to get up to the level and didn't have alot of free time, and I know its the same with my friends here.
Be patient and just give her a hand if she needs one.
Be patient and just give her a hand if she needs one.
- Thread starter
- #58
Minor update: It's been a couple of days since I replied to her e-mail and I haven't heard from her again. I might start despairing about ever getting a response.
But it took her a couple of days before. And I figure if she didn't want to talk to me she wouldn't have replied in the first place. It was after class was over so help with class wasn't a factor. She may just not be the e-mail checking junkie I am. I've decided I'm NOT going to send her another e-mail. I don't want to look like a nut or desperate.
But..... many years ago I did a sort of term paper on Japan. One of the books I read for it was JapanThink-AmeriThink by Robert J. Collins. It's not only useful but damned funny. I went to the bookstore the other day and they had a used copy on sale.
So I'm re-reading it. Almost finished, actually. The book was published in 1992 so I have no idea how much things may have changed since then.
However, it's been an eye opener. I'm somewhat worried that she and I would like fire and ice. I don't think I ever realized before how "American" I am.
You see, my friends, I'm the guy that read 1984 and Farenheit 451, and A Brave New World when I was 16. Those works really resonated with me. I've been always been more of an individualist than most of the people I know. When people around me are saying "Shut that damn street preacher up, he's disrupting things and bothering people." I am the one who's saying "Yeah, he's annoying and he's disrupting things but he has a first amendment right to sit there and drive us bugshit. I may not agree with what he has to say but I'll fight to the death to preserve his right to say it."
I pissed and moaned about the Patriot Act because I felt it put the "public interest" above individual liberties. I joined the ACLU a couple of years ago. I don't run around and march in protest or anything but I do believe strongly in the rights of the individual. Not to an extremist extent, of course. I don't have some pie in the sky idea that I am somehow more important than anyone else.
The point of all this rambling is that from my research on Japan it sounds to me like the GROUP is more important than the individual there. We talk about pressure to conform in America but it doesn't hold a candle to said pressure in Japan. The idea of "One man valiantly striving against the world" is just not a part of Japanese culture.
Now, there's nothing wrong with either the American or the Japanse way of doing things. They're different, not better or worse. But I *am* the product of my environment and *she* is the product of hers.
How the hell would we get along then? I'm not willing to turn into a Japanese and I doubt she's willing to turn into an American. I don't think I'd want her too anyways. Cultural imperialism and all that.
Sorry for the long, drawn out diatribe. These are thoughts that have been kicking around in my little head for a couple of days now.
But it took her a couple of days before. And I figure if she didn't want to talk to me she wouldn't have replied in the first place. It was after class was over so help with class wasn't a factor. She may just not be the e-mail checking junkie I am. I've decided I'm NOT going to send her another e-mail. I don't want to look like a nut or desperate.
But..... many years ago I did a sort of term paper on Japan. One of the books I read for it was JapanThink-AmeriThink by Robert J. Collins. It's not only useful but damned funny. I went to the bookstore the other day and they had a used copy on sale.
So I'm re-reading it. Almost finished, actually. The book was published in 1992 so I have no idea how much things may have changed since then.
However, it's been an eye opener. I'm somewhat worried that she and I would like fire and ice. I don't think I ever realized before how "American" I am.
You see, my friends, I'm the guy that read 1984 and Farenheit 451, and A Brave New World when I was 16. Those works really resonated with me. I've been always been more of an individualist than most of the people I know. When people around me are saying "Shut that damn street preacher up, he's disrupting things and bothering people." I am the one who's saying "Yeah, he's annoying and he's disrupting things but he has a first amendment right to sit there and drive us bugshit. I may not agree with what he has to say but I'll fight to the death to preserve his right to say it."
I pissed and moaned about the Patriot Act because I felt it put the "public interest" above individual liberties. I joined the ACLU a couple of years ago. I don't run around and march in protest or anything but I do believe strongly in the rights of the individual. Not to an extremist extent, of course. I don't have some pie in the sky idea that I am somehow more important than anyone else.
The point of all this rambling is that from my research on Japan it sounds to me like the GROUP is more important than the individual there. We talk about pressure to conform in America but it doesn't hold a candle to said pressure in Japan. The idea of "One man valiantly striving against the world" is just not a part of Japanese culture.
Now, there's nothing wrong with either the American or the Japanse way of doing things. They're different, not better or worse. But I *am* the product of my environment and *she* is the product of hers.
How the hell would we get along then? I'm not willing to turn into a Japanese and I doubt she's willing to turn into an American. I don't think I'd want her too anyways. Cultural imperialism and all that.
Sorry for the long, drawn out diatribe. These are thoughts that have been kicking around in my little head for a couple of days now.
TwistedMac
後輩
- 4 Mar 2004
- 2,267
- 96
i did that.. right about that age actually.. well, not fahrenheit.. but the other two...narblark said:
sure, there's ﾃｼber communist societies gone wrong in both (all three i presume).. but i don't quite see how that would make you more of an american? :?
- this message brought to you in part by the department of Love
TimF
後輩
- 2 Jul 2004
- 446
- 31
Ewok85 said:
Maybe they are like me and have no friggin idea what they are doing i mean yea their are alot of threads like this but if you cant come here for help where can ya go, I have yet to hear anyone come in here and start bragging up their relationship with a japanese girl/guy they have always come here looking for help.....help that we may be able to give them. So all I can say and i dont mean this in a mean way in any terms if you are getting tired of threads like these then dont go into them there are lots of other ones or maybe you can start a new thread on your own.
P.S.- sorry if i sounded mean.
kirei_na_me
Where I'm Supposed to Be
- 31 Jan 2003
- 5,051
- 166
Well, for some of us, it's old news. I've been married for almost 7 years and sometimes when people make threads asking about relationships like this, I can't help but think, "ah, they're merely scratching the surface".
Of course, I know that people can't help it. Knowledge comes with time and it really comes with living with someone for years. It's hard to learn anything otherwise, really.
I think we're all here to offer advice if needed. The search function really comes in handy, though. This subject has been talked about many times and there's many different viewpoints and plenty of insight floating around. Just click on the link in my signature... ;-)
Of course, I know that people can't help it. Knowledge comes with time and it really comes with living with someone for years. It's hard to learn anything otherwise, really.
I think we're all here to offer advice if needed. The search function really comes in handy, though. This subject has been talked about many times and there's many different viewpoints and plenty of insight floating around. Just click on the link in my signature... ;-)
TimF
後輩
- 2 Jul 2004
- 446
- 31
kirei_na_me said:
See and it is your wisdom like that the relationship newbies need but they also need your patience with it. You got to remember you were once in our shoes as well and maybe it would have been easier for you if you had people to guide and support you. I dont know exactally how your relationship started but i know all relationships are rocky when they start out and they hit rocky patches. And for those rocky times that is when we come here for support and guidence i mean sure is gets monotonous but you are helping that person and i ask you does helping people ever get monotonous? I can not speak for the rest of you but i will continue to offer my relationship advice on these topics (little as it may be) beacuse i like to try and help these people if i can offer even a little guidence it gives me a sense of self respect and gratitude.
kirei_na_me
Where I'm Supposed to Be
- 31 Jan 2003
- 5,051
- 166
And as I said, I will still help in any way I can. We'll all give our advice to those who need it. It'd be to one's benefit to do some digging on this site, though. There's plenty of good information stored away.
- Thread starter
- #68
I'll give a whirl with the search function later. But please keep in mind that each person(s) and each circumstance are unique. Which means each situation has to be analyzed indvidually. Slow and painful, yes, but necessary. And you've all been very kind to me and I appreciate that.
I know that 1984 and Japan are worlds apart but the mindset of the individual versus the group still holds.
In the class we had together I (and most other people) asked many questions of the teacher. We interjected our own viewpoints and even argued with each other (and with him to some degree) once in a while. Not all teachers are as nice about questions as this one but most don't mind, if not encourage, questions about the material.
She, however, didn't do that. I talked to her afterward and she was a little shell shocked at how the class operated. She wasn't used to this kind of teacher/student interaction. She said that in Japan students simply don't ask questions like that. The teacher lectures and the students take notes. That jives with what I've read.
That kind of atmosphere would drive me nuts. I figure that I'm paying a crapload in tuition and that I have a right to try and understand the material. Most students would agree, I think.
I don't want to start a debate about the merits of the Japanese education system vs. the American one. Both have their good traits and their bad traits.
The point of this, though, is that it's stuff like this makes me wonder if the cultural barrier is just too high. On the one hand I feel a bit of trepidation because of our different backgrounds and on the other it's kind of exciting to blaze a new trail like that. I figure if nothing else just being pals with her will be an excellent way to learn about Japanese culture and people. Which may come in handy someday and is interesting in and of itself.
I know that 1984 and Japan are worlds apart but the mindset of the individual versus the group still holds.
In the class we had together I (and most other people) asked many questions of the teacher. We interjected our own viewpoints and even argued with each other (and with him to some degree) once in a while. Not all teachers are as nice about questions as this one but most don't mind, if not encourage, questions about the material.
She, however, didn't do that. I talked to her afterward and she was a little shell shocked at how the class operated. She wasn't used to this kind of teacher/student interaction. She said that in Japan students simply don't ask questions like that. The teacher lectures and the students take notes. That jives with what I've read.
That kind of atmosphere would drive me nuts. I figure that I'm paying a crapload in tuition and that I have a right to try and understand the material. Most students would agree, I think.
I don't want to start a debate about the merits of the Japanese education system vs. the American one. Both have their good traits and their bad traits.
The point of this, though, is that it's stuff like this makes me wonder if the cultural barrier is just too high. On the one hand I feel a bit of trepidation because of our different backgrounds and on the other it's kind of exciting to blaze a new trail like that. I figure if nothing else just being pals with her will be an excellent way to learn about Japanese culture and people. Which may come in handy someday and is interesting in and of itself.
- 18 Jan 2004
- 314
- 9
Well, I would help as a listener... but that's all I can offer...
I never offer any advice on a love (i.e. boy meets girl) relationship because I am not keen on the subject... Probably because I am too old... ha ha ha.
However, most of the time, people started these threads just wanted to talk about their feelings for some relief. Although they were asking for "help," many just wanted to be heard. ( Maybe some are too ambarassed to share their "secrets" with friends and family in the real world).
As a fellow human being, I would "allow" it.
I never offer any advice on a love (i.e. boy meets girl) relationship because I am not keen on the subject... Probably because I am too old... ha ha ha.
However, most of the time, people started these threads just wanted to talk about their feelings for some relief. Although they were asking for "help," many just wanted to be heard. ( Maybe some are too ambarassed to share their "secrets" with friends and family in the real world).
As a fellow human being, I would "allow" it.
byp
先輩
- 24 Jul 2004
- 110
- 4
so right, kirei na me. I've been married 9 years with a most wonderfull j-woman and all one can read here is way away from reality. Furthermore,when she died in 1998, i believed that it was the end of the world.kirei_na_me said:
and it was.
however, after the fire, the forest takes life again. To-day, i'm dating a korean lady and it's all a new, wonderfull, slow and peacefull extraordinary experience.
nothing to do with anything I have read here.
So, narblark DO NOT BELIEVE that cultural barrier is too high. If it is, then take more momentum and jump higher. You'll discover that it's really worth it and, also, you'll will find a whole new world. If you are clever enough, open-minded enough, respectfull enough, then run and jump. It will be the best move of your life. but take your time. One day, your j-princess will come.
- Thread starter
- #71
Thanks for the vote of confidence. It is appreciated.
One tiny tidbit I forgot to mention before. On the last day of class, thursday, I gave her a CD. I have some Billy Joel tunes on a disc and I decided to burn her a copy because she said she plays piano. Well, ol' Billy is the only piano player I have in my (rather sparse) music collection. Hopefully she'll try it and like it.
One tiny tidbit I forgot to mention before. On the last day of class, thursday, I gave her a CD. I have some Billy Joel tunes on a disc and I decided to burn her a copy because she said she plays piano. Well, ol' Billy is the only piano player I have in my (rather sparse) music collection. Hopefully she'll try it and like it.
