Need some advice for courting a Japanese exchange student

[Elizabeth]

The point of this, though, is that it's stuff like this makes me wonder if the cultural barrier is just too high. On the one hand I feel a bit of trepidation because of our different backgrounds and on the other it's kind of exciting to blaze a new trail like that. I figure if nothing else just being pals with her will be an excellent way to learn about Japanese culture and people. Which may come in handy someday and is interesting in and of itself.

My best advise would be try appearing genuinely interested in the culture and mindset, do a little reading about the area she's from, the language etc. rather than using someone because they are pretty or different or therapeutic for your own purposes and then offer to help as much as possible tutor her English. If it develops into friendship or something more that's great -- just don't start with the labeling ('American-friendly,' 'quiet and passive' 'typical Japanese woman') before understanding either her or the culture because it's bound to be misleading and misinterpreted. I know plenty of Japanese women and men in fact who don't fit these sterotypes one bit.

 

[kirei_na_me]

Well said, Elizabeth. Very true. ;-)

 

[narblark]

Elizabeth:

Good advice. And that's actually what I've been trying to do. Some research on Japanese customs and culture, etc.

As for using someone..... I'm not sure I follow. I'm not using her (or anyone else for that matter) for anything. I want to hang out with her because I like her company. In the process I hope that we can help each other learn more about other culture's and people's.

 

[narblark]

Well, it's thursday morning and still nothing. I guess I've struck out. I'll give her a couple of more days.

 

[Ewok85]

I wouldn't sit by the phone waiting, these things can take some time. Wait a week and see if you get any reply

 

[jovial_jon]

I agree with Ewok - a watched phone never boils...or something along those lines anyway.

 

[Porl]

i agree. I sometimes check my email every morning really hoping to see an email from my friend who is in japan teaching and get dissappointed when there isn't one there. And it seems to take forever for one to arrive (even though thats not neccisarily true ). If you try to think of something else. maybe not check your email for a day or something.. next thing you know there will be a nice email waiting for you.

Porl''

 

[TwistedMac]

but then you find it's been lying there for like 2 days and you're all "OMG! i could've replied to this mail two days ago and thus gotten the next mail much sooner!! GAAAH!"

right?

 

[Emoni]

^ This is very very true... Know this feeling WAY too well. Well, only when that email turns out to be from a "certain" person of course

 

[narblark]

I sent her a short message asking her if she still wanted to go see a flick or something. Very low key. No coming on or anything. I debated whether it would be better to send a message and risk seeming desperate/clingy or not send a message and risk not seeming interested. As Captain Picard said, I choose to try.

 

[narblark]

Is lady luck with me.... or not?

I got a response. She said she still wants to go see a flick but..... she wants to bring her friend along.

I'm not sure what to make of this. For the sake of completeness I'll lay out my thoughts.

She didn't specify whether her friend was a man or woman. And the gender of her friend may have symbolic value. If it's a guy I would guess that's her way of saying: "I already have a romantic interest. I want to be platonic friends only." If it's a woman I think it would be her way of saying: "I am interested in you but I want to bring my friend along to feel safer."

At first I was a little surprised that she wanted to bring her compatriot with her. But then I remembered that I read somewhere that a "group date" is very common with the Japanese. Especially on the first few dates. In that case this is probably standard operating procedure.

So..... what do you guys think?

 

[jovial_jon]

Well, it's good that you got a response. But I also don't know what to make of her bringing a friend along... :? I think you might be right with the gender of the friend and what it would mean...but I don't know. I'm sure someone else will have something more useful to say ....

 

[Emoni]

You're trying to figure out a Japanese lady and her reasoning?

Give up on that now buddy... it will never make any sense! Just wing it and go see the movie, and see how things go. Best you can do, bringing a friend could mean 1,000,000 things. Until you really know her you're not going to have a clue what it might mean, maybe even then it won't be any clearer.

 

[Keiichi]

Best you can do, bringing a friend could mean 1,000,000 things.

Yeah, like a threesome. Whoo. (unless the friend's a guy >_>)

Keiichi

 

[Ewok85]

Just take it how it is and a friend wants to come too. Sometimes when my mates do things I'll tag along too, all it means is I'm using them to go somewhere interesting

Nitpick every little thing to bits and you'll go crazy

 

[narblark]

The main thing that concerns me, I guess, is that I can't afford to take 3 people to the movies. They're too damn expensive. Remember, I'm a college student and I have tons of expenses and no income.

I'm certainly not going to tell her her friend can't come. I'm just trying to figure what, if anything, that means.

I sent her some Virtual Flowers and wished her luck on her final class project thing (for her English class I think). I used white roses as they are supposed to be the color for friendship.

 

[byp]

Is lady luck with me.... or not?

I got a response. She said she still wants to go see a flick but..... she wants to bring her friend along.

I'm not sure what to make of this. For the sake of completeness I'll lay out my thoughts.

THIS IS STANDARD PROCEDURE, MATE ! Not to worry. You should be happy as a young bird who just fly for the first time !!!

Well, as I said before, if you have enough respect for her, if you are open inded enough, then you have to accept her friend. Asian girls will do that quiet often the first few times. You wont have to put up all the time with it. And... you lucky devil, going about with TWO J-girls, isn't that the most beautifull day of your life ???

She didn't specify whether her friend was a man or woman. And the gender of her friend may have symbolic value. If it's a guy I would guess that's her way of saying: "I already have a romantic interest. I want to be platonic friends only." If it's a woman I think it would be her way of saying: "I am interested in you but I want to bring my friend along to feel safer."

it will be a SHE, no problems, you dont have to worry.

 

[narblark]

You have a way, Byp, of making me feel so much better. Thanks.

 

[Ewok85]

He pisses me off to an unimaginable extent, but there nothing i can do from here.

Just wait it out, if she wants to meet she will, if you bombard her with emails you sound clingy and needy.

 

[kirei_na_me]

Just wait it out, if she wants to meet she will, if you bombard her with emails you sound clingy and needy.

Definitely. Acting clingy/needy/desperate is a big turn-off. At least, I think so. It also makes a person feel pressured into doing something they might not really want to do, but do it just out of politeness.

 

[silver angel]

I agree Kirei. But listen man, don't sweat it. White flowers, good move. Just take it slow, and don't stress if she doesn't give you a straight answer. Clingy-ness, and needy don't go well.
I can see a good turn out from this movie date. *high five* =D

 

[Elizabeth]

Definitely. Acting clingy/needy/desperate is a big turn-off. At least, I think so. It also makes a person feel pressured into doing something they might not really want to do, but do it just out of politeness.

I'm not saying it's true in this case....but I personally wouldn't feel pressured as much as apprehensive that this person might be slightly unbalanced or living in a fantasy world so that any rejection would somehow drive them beyond their limits and over the edge. But either way, I definately wouldn't be interested in spending time with them one on one.

 

[Keiichi]

Well, also, this is now a good chance to show how you act in front of others. People are also aware of how you act in front of others also.

Keiichi

 

[narblark]

Ok, the gist of this, I think, is that I should let sleeping dogs lie. Which is what I was planning to do anyway. I sent her an e-mail to let her know I was still interested in hanging out with her. While that could be interperted as clingy/needy the way I worded it *should* have come off as just "Hi, how's it going?". She replied and I replied to her and now I'll wait. If she wants to hang out she'll get ahold of me. The ball is in her court now.

 

[byp]

dogs ?

Ok, the gist of this, I think, is that I should let sleeping dogs lie.

dogs ? which dogs ?
you mean she is comming with her girl friend and dogs, too ?

sorry, mate...
no every one (above) are right, take it cool, dont get her forced into a corner, it's unpleasant.
let life go it's way.
now she knows for sure you are interested (she's not stupid...)
short of abducting her, you have done everything one can be expected to do, and you are no romeo, or rather I should say she is no Juliette. So put the ladder back in the garage and wait for her to come down the stairs on her own...