My first longer translation into Japanese, tell me how horrible it is!

[John Lemon]

Just finished translating the introductory text of my friend's hotel's website, and I must say it gave me a pretty hard time. The original was a bit vague and poorly-written in places, so I tried my best to make the translation live up to the original.
I also hope I used kenjougo and sonkeigo correctly and in the right places. What do you think of my text? Did I make a lot of boo-boos? I changed the place names a bit for privacy reasons, by the way. ;-)

Thanks a lot in advance for any comments/corrections. Here we go:


我々は家族企業の三ッ星ホテルでございます。

「ホテル・エルレンバッハ」は大きな裏庭がござるイギリス大邸宅の中の客室５２つなどで親切な雰囲気をお作りします。

そしてまた、大きな駐車場など、地下の車庫など、サウナなど、日光浴のための芝生など、よろしく整っているジムがござる「Erlenhof」のゲストハウスがございます。

最新な便利な客室はトイレなど、浴室それともシャワー など、電話などテレビなど、ミニバー など、無料なインターネットなどでとても楽しく滞在期間をいたさせます。

朝のとき、あなた様に豪華な自家製の朝食をごちそういたされて、
ウィークデー のとき、我々はディナーメニューを作って差し上げます。

そしてまた、近くの古い地区で色々な料理店 がござって、徒歩で 、四分ぐらいお掛りします。

「Goldschmiede」がござるグリム兄弟のHanauの町で
見物に行くことがお出来になって、

町の遊園 のクナイプ浴など「Alte Fasanerie」の公園などで
休ませることがお出来になります。

自動車で、Hanauの中心 まで５分掛かって、フランクフルト空港まで１５分を掛かりします。

 

[okaeri_man]

I'm not qualified to correct keigo sorry...! but i can tell you that in the 3rd and 4th sentences, you can't use など like that.

 

[John Lemon]

Oh, I see. Should I use や instead? I thought など was a slightly more polite version of や, but I guess my memory deceived me.

Ooops, I see. Looks like you're supposed to end incomplete enumerations with など, as in パンやコーヒーやお茶などがある。

 

[Elizabeth]

Oh, I see. Should I use や instead? I thought など was a slightly more polite version of や, but I guess my memory deceived me.

Ooops, I see. Looks like you're supposed to end incomplete enumerations with など, as in パンやコーヒーやお茶などがある。

Whether it holds here I can't judge either, but in casual writing a lot of times you don't have to use anything but a comma....with toka or something perhaps coming at the end of a string of terms (as you say). や may be too textbookish (or formal?) in those cases.

 

[NANGI]

Konnichiwa John Lemon-san!

I corrected some lines but I can not all, because I don't know the original text(in English or German) and there are some obscure points.

我々は家族企業の三ッ星ホテルでございます。

There is not mistake in this line, but what is "家族企業" meaning? family company? I think you should not use this word "家族企業" because Japanese people have not a good image for word "家族企業". This is the problem about the concept of word "家族企業" but not management. In Japan, Japanese don't use the word "家族" on business, because "家族" means "small", "petty", "low grade", "bad service" and etc in Japanese business. Japanese people are nervous about appearances and are like a fine looking.

「ホテル・エルレンバッハ」は大きな裏庭がござるイギリス大邸宅の中の客室５２つなどで親切な雰囲気をお作りします。

「ござる」is a mistake, it is 「ある」simply. And it is 「しております」but not 「します」.「親切な雰囲気」is not good expression in this case, 「親しみやすい雰囲気」 or 「親しみのある雰囲気」 is good.
「ホテル・エルレンバッハ」は、大きな裏庭のあるイギリス大邸宅を52の客室に分けた、親しみやすい雰囲気のホテルでございます。

そしてまた、大きな駐車場など、地下の車庫など、サウナなど、日光浴のための芝生など、よろしく整っているジムがござる「Erlenhof」のゲストハウスがございます 。

In Japan, 「ジム」 means a gymnasium with exercise machine, a strength training machine, room running machine and etc... Is there a those machines? And this guesthouse is in this hotel site?
Japanese don't sunbathe at a garden. But Japanese like a barbecue. Can do barbecue at the garden? Of course it is not necessary a genuine outdoor kitchen system, only chair and table with a portable cooking stove.

最新な便利な客室はトイレなど、浴室それともシャワーなど、電話などテレビなど、ミニバーなど、無料なインターネットなどでとても楽しく滞在期間をいたさせます。

All rooms have those system? lavatory, bath or shower, telephone, TV, minibar and computer with Internet? or only lavatory, bath or shower, telephone, TV? and Mini-bar and computer with Internet are in Hotel entrance?
It is 「もしくは」 but not 「それとも」.
And yes, you should not use a lot of 「など」in a line. 「など」is used in only the last part of line.
An instance, this is a good expression:
各客室にはトイレ、浴室、電話、テレビなどが備わっております。
This is a bad expression:
各客室にはトイレなど、浴室など、電話などテレビなどが備わっております。

朝のとき、あなた様に豪華な自家製の朝食をごちそういたされて、ウィークデーのとき、我々はディナーメニューを作って差し上げます。

It is 「ごちそういたします」 but not 「ごちそういたされて」. Is Dinner only weekday?
朝食には自家製料理をご用意させていただいており、ウィークデーには当ホテルのディナーメニューもご用意させていただいております。

そしてまた、近くの古い地区で色々な料理店がござって、徒歩で 、四分ぐらいお掛りします。

Dose hotel has a simple map of restaurant? Are there various restaurant? Japanese restaurant too? If guest want to dinner at those restaurant, what time is order stop or close shop?
「ござって」is not good. 「お掛りします」is not good, 「歩いて四分ほどの距離になります」is good.
また、当ホテルの周りには古くからの料理店がいろいろございますので、お客様の好みにあわせて外食を楽しんでいただくことも出来ます。


「Goldschmiede」がござるグリム兄弟のHanauの町で見物に行くことがお出来になって、町の遊園のクナイプ浴など「Alte Fasanerie」の公園などで休ませることがお出来になります。
"Goldschmiede" means a goldsmith? 金細工師? Is 「クナイプ浴」a hot spring?
「Goldschmiede」があるグリム兄弟の町・Hanauも近く、「Alte Fasanerie」の公園ではクナイプ浴で疲れた体を癒していただくこともお出来になります。

自動車で、Hanauの中心 まで５分掛かって、フランクフルト空港まで１５分を掛 かりします。

Hanauの中心まで車で５分、フランクフルト空港まではわずか１５分の立地に当ホテルはございます。


NANGI

 

[epigene]

Wow, Nangi-san beat me to it! Well, he did it better than me, anyway

John, if you mean family-run three-star hotel, it's 家族経営の三ツ星ホテル

I agree with rest of Nangi-san's questions and comments, except about the restaurants near the hotel. Are they located in a historic district? If so, I'll change Nangi-san's sentence this way:
また、当ホテル近くの歴史的地区には料理店がいろいろございますので、お客様の好みにあわせて外食を楽しんでいただくことも出来ます。

Hope this helps!

 

[John Lemon]

Konnichiwa John Lemon-san!

I corrected some lines but I can not all, because I don't know the original text(in English or German) and there are some obscure points.


There is not mistake in this line, but what is "家族企業" meaning? family company? I think you should not use this word "家族企業" because Japanese people have not a good image for word "家族企業". This is the problem about the concept of word "家族企業" but not management. In Japan, Japanese don't use the word "家族" on business, because "家族" means "small", "petty", "low grade", "bad service" and etc in Japanese business. Japanese people are nervous about appearances and are like a fine looking.

My Japanese professor told me 家族企業 was the best way to translate the term "family business". I think over here, what we associate with a family business is a friendly, down-to-earth atmosphere and surroundings that aren't overly pompous. I do see your point, though. What do you think would be a better term to use that doesn't have those negative aspects?

In Japan, 「ジム」 means a gymnasium with exercise machine, a strength training machine, room running machine and etc... Is there a those machines?

Well, I haven't seen it yet, but they claim it's a "fitness center". I couldn't think of any other way to translate this.

And this guesthouse is in this hotel site?

Yes.

Japanese don't sunbathe at a garden. But Japanese like a barbecue. Can do barbecue at the garden? Of course it is not necessary a genuine outdoor kitchen system, only chair and table with a portable cooking stove.

That should be possible, I think. The garden's quite nice and there's lots of room for all sorts of activities.

All rooms have those system? lavatory, bath or shower, telephone, TV, minibar and computer with Internet?

Yep. As for the "Internet": I think I should've written something along the lines of "Internet connection" instead of "Internet". There are no computers in the guest rooms, but if you have a laptop with a wireless adapter, you can browse the Internet for free in your room.

Is Dinner only weekday?

According to the original text, yes.

Dose hotel has a simple map of restaurant? Are there various restaurant? Japanese restaurant too?

There are various other restaurants near the hotel, none of them are Japanese, by the way. There's not a single Japanese restaurant near me.

If guest want to dinner at those restaurant, what time is order stop or close shop?

I think in Germany, most restaurants close at 1 AM.

"Goldschmiede" means a goldsmith?

I think it used to be, it's a historical museum now.

Is 「クナイプ浴」a hot spring?

More like a cold-and hot spring. The following text is taken from The Kneipp Cure - Suite101.com

In the 19th century, Sebastian Kneipp (1821-1897) was a Bavarian parish priest devoted to serving his community of poor people in every way possible. He had cured himself of tuberculosis when he was too poor to get medical help. He understood the plight of the people whom he served and became not only their spiritual advisor but taught them to take care of their health needs with a holistic system which is free to all. It is based on nature's miraculous healing properties. [...]

The reasoning behind kneippen (pronounce kni-pen, yes, the K is pronounced) is simple. Wading on wet grass or in shallow water stimulates the internal organs, strengthens the immune system, and helps the body to heal itself.

There are other aspects of hydrotherapy which I remember, and to my knowledge, most Germans practice many of these. One is called "Wechselbad," literally "change bath." The feet are exposed to hot and cold water in alternation. This is the same principle which we learn from the Finns who alternate between a hot sauna and a dip in a cold lake or a roll in the snow. Both of these practices encourage the body to do its own healing.

A "Kneipp course" consists of a series of hot and cold baths that you walk through, they're usually outdoors. A lot of tourist traps near forests have them. This is what I meant with 「クナイプ浴」.

Phew, this is pretty tough task, isn't it? Thank you so much for your help, NANGI and epigene!

epigene, I'm not sure if the district qualifies as historic but it is the old part of the town, i.e. the Old Town. It's quite picturesque and there are a bunch of fairly old buildings.

 

[NANGI]

Konnichiwa John Lemon-san!

My Japanese professor told me 家族企業 was the best way to translate the term "family business". I think over here, what we associate with a family business is a friendly, down-to-earth atmosphere and surroundings that aren't overly pompous.

At first, Japanese never use the word "family business" usually by the reason of my explanation. Of course I can understand your opinion and I agree with you. But in Japan, the word "家族企業" has a lot of negative points more than advantages. And Japanese don't use this word openly.

I do see your point, though. What do you think would be a better term to use that doesn't have those negative aspects?

I think you should not emphasize "family business". If you want to express a friendly and familiarly atmosphere, I think "親しみやすい雰囲気のホテル" or "アットホームな雰囲気の、気軽にご利用いただけるホテル" is better.
If you want to use "family business", "家族経営" or "個人企業" is better.

Well, I haven't seen it yet, but they claim it's a "fitness center". I couldn't think of any other way to translate this.

You should confirm the "fitness center", a gymnasium with exercise machine? or not? But "fitness center", it is "フィットネス センター" in Katakana. Japanese "フィットネス センター" means a dancing and exercise machine rooms.

That should be possible, I think. The garden's quite nice and there's lots of room for all sorts of activities.

I think you should emphasize an amusement but not a sunbath, an instance barbecue, badminton, Frisbee or something.

Yep. As for the "Internet": I think I should've written something along the lines of "Internet connection" instead of "Internet". There are no computers in the guest rooms, but if you have a laptop with a wireless adapter, you can browse the Internet for free in your room.

Ok, 「また当ホテルでは、インターネット接続のためのワイヤレスルーターを設置しておりますので、無線LAN内臓のパソコンをお持ちのお客様は御自由にインターネット接続をお楽しみいただくことが出来ます。」 is good.

I think in Germany, most restaurants close at 1 AM.

It's good! Japanese businessman's mealtime is so late, but 1 AM is quite enough.

I think it used to be, it's a historical museum now.

Is it a strange "Goldsmith museum" but not "Goldschmiede"? Because "Goldschmiede" seems a jewelry shop or workshop of ornament.

A "Kneipp course" consists of a series of hot and cold baths that you walk through, they're usually outdoors. A lot of tourist traps near forests have them. This is what I meant with 「クナイプ浴」.

Ok, I know now. Thank you the good explanation! I thought that "クナイプ浴" means a having bath with hot and cold spring. But "クナイプ浴" is only arms or legs but not the whole body, isn't it?



当方はアットホームな雰囲気の、気軽にご利用いただける三ッ星ホテル・エルレンバッハでございます。
「ホテル・エルレンバッハ」は、大きな裏庭のあるイギリス大邸宅を52の客室に分けた、親しみやすい雰囲気のホテルでございます。大型駐車場に地下車庫も完備。広い庭では日光浴やバーベキューをお楽しみいただき、ゲストハウス「Erlenhof」では設備の整ったフィットネス・センターもご利用いただけます。
最新の各客室には、トイレ、浴室、シャワー、電話、テレビ、ミニバーをご用意。また当ホテルでは、インターネット接続のためのワイヤレスルーターを設置しておりますので、無線LAN内臓のパソコンをお持ちのお客様は御自由にインターネット接続をお楽しみいただくことも出来ます
朝食には手作りの自家製料理をご用意。ウィークデーには当ホテルのディナーメニューもご用意させていただいております。また、当ホテル近くの歴史的地区には料理店がいろいろございますので、お客様の好みにあわせて外食を楽しんでいただくことも出来ます。
金細工博物館「Goldschmiede」があるグリム兄弟の生まれた町・Hanauも近く、「Alte Fasanerie」の公園ではクナイプ浴で疲れた体を癒していただくこともお出来になります。
Hanauの中心まで車で５分、フランクフルト空港まではわずか１５分の好立地。観光に、お仕事に、ぜひ当ホテルをご利用くださいませ。


NANGI

 

[epigene]

I think it sounds great!!

I'd like to visit the hotel someday!! :hilarious: