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How to write a secret admirer note

cloa513

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I want to write a secret admirer note in Japanese to my Japanese wife because she is beautiful but doesn't accept my word for it. Surely there are manga examples can you link to some please.
 

bentenmusume

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That's a lovely sentiment.

This is just a thought, but...maybe you could just write it in your own words?
Wouldn't that mean more to her than just quoting something from a random manga?

Write your actual feelings, maybe buy her a present that will help her feel beautiful (flowers? clothes? jewelry?) and I'm sure she'd be touched.
 

cloa513

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I have bought many presents. It doesn't work. I don't intend to quote just be guided by. She says only you say it and no one else ever has so it is not true.
 

Buntaro

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She says only you say it and no one else ever has so it is not true.

It sounds like she has some emotional insecurities. I would advise you to look into giving her some help and support in the area of emotional insecurities (if that is what she has). It has been my experience that Japanese people handle emotional insecurities differently than many countries, and in a negative way.)
 

cloa513

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Unfortunately with COVID and her personal rules- it is impossible. We would have to go to Tokyo for counselling.
 

Buntaro

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What are her “personal rules”?

Since going to Tokyo for counseling is not an option, it looks like you are going to have to help her yourself. You can help her get rid of her emotional insecurities and help her build up her self-confidence. There are a lot of things you can do. Is this something you want to try?
 

bentenmusume

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Buntaro said:
(It has been my experience that Japanese people handle emotional insecurities differently than many countries, and in a negative way.)

No offense, but I would take issue with this wording a bit.

I think it's fair to say that there is still, to a degree, more of a stigma about discussing/seeking help for emotional and mental health issues in Japan as compared to Western countries, where it is generally accepted to talk about these things, with many people seeing therapists, etc. etc.

I think that's different from saying that it's an inherent quality of "Japanese people". Many people, Japanese or otherwise, struggle with emotional insecurities (whereas other people, Japanese or not, are able to manage these very natural feelings better).

In any event, we don't know the degree to which cloa513's wife has serious, debilitating insecurities regarding her appearance. Lots of people can lack confidence in their looks and might tell a partner these sort of things ("Come on, I'm not beautiful. You're the only one who says that.", etc. etc.) I'm not sure we can be certain just from what's been posted here that she needs professional help.

cloa513 said:
I have bought many presents. It doesn't work. I don't intend to quote just be guided by. She says only you say it and no one else ever has so it is not true.

Well, I mean, it's not that easy. My wife has a complex about her looks, too...and, to be honest, I do too. Many people do. I admire your dedication, but I'm not sure why you think a "manga-style" approach will be more effective than what you've tried before.

If it were me, I'd suggest just continuing to make her feel beautiful through honest, sincere words and actions. I would like to think that at the end of the day, she will know that she's loved and that'll be what's most important to her.

I mean, the idea of fabricating a letter from a secret admirer feels like more trouble than it's worth. What if she believes it at first but later finds out (somehow) that it was from you. Wouldn't that hurt her confidence rather than helping it?
 

nice gaijin

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Hmm, this is a much deeper ask than it originally appeared!

I'm not one to promote stuff that seems new-agey, but I have talked to a lot of people who found the concept of the five love languages to be helpful, based on the book by Gary Chapman: Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

@cloa513, Here's a little mini quiz to help find the ways you and your wife communicate your feelings differently, which also affect the way you receive affection. Someone who needs words of affirmation or acts of service, for instance, will not be terribly moved by gifts (so someone who is a gift-giver may think their affection is unappreciated, because that's what they'd appreciate... and so on.

Perhaps this framework could help you communicate your feelings toward her more effectively: http://www.davidswinston.com/uploads/2/7/0/8/27080571/5_love_languages_test.pdf
 

cloa513

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No offense, but I would take issue with this wording a bit.

I think it's fair to say that there is still, to a degree, more of a stigma about discussing/seeking help for emotional and mental health issues in Japan as compared to Western countries, where it is generally accepted to talk about these things, with many people seeing therapists, etc. etc.

I think that's different from saying that it's an inherent quality of "Japanese people". Many people, Japanese or otherwise, struggle with emotional insecurities (whereas other people, Japanese or not, are able to manage these very natural feelings better).

In any event, we don't know the degree to which cloa513's wife has serious, debilitating insecurities regarding her appearance. Lots of people can lack confidence in their looks and might tell a partner these sort of things ("Come on, I'm not beautiful. You're the only one who says that.", etc. etc.) I'm not sure we can be certain just from what's been posted here that she needs professional help.



Well, I mean, it's not that easy. My wife has a complex about her looks, too...and, to be honest, I do too. Many people do. I admire your dedication, but I'm not sure why you think a "manga-style" approach will be more effective than what you've tried before.

If it were me, I'd suggest just continuing to make her feel beautiful through honest, sincere words and actions. I would like to think that at the end of the day, she will know that she's loved and that'll be what's most important to her.

I mean, the idea of fabricating a letter from a secret admirer feels like more trouble than it's worth. What if she believes it at first but later finds out (somehow) that it was from you. Wouldn't that hurt her confidence rather than helping it?
I don't mind the source. Any advice or example of admirer notes is good.
 

cloa513

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I don't mind the source. Any advice or example of admirer notes is good.
She doesn't like physical contact. She doesn't like me to help with the chores except very limited list- I put out the garbage. I get away with putting away washed up dishes in the morning and I get put away my own clothes from washing lines. Only she wash the dishes right or wash clothes in the washing machine or hang them up or vacuum.
 

Buntaro

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These examples sure sound like emotional insecurity to me.

When she says everyone thinks she is not pretty, normally my advice would be for you to drop everything and give her a big hug. But if she says she does not like to be touched, this tells me the problem is bigger than I first expected.

The next time she says something like this, I would say, “Honey, the fact that you do not liked to be touched makes me think you have some deep, inner unhappiness. If it is all right with you, this is something I would like to work on with you.”
 

Buntaro

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Cloa,

I happened to be looking at the Japanese movie Kiki's Delivery Service and I saw the same situation as your wife’s situation. At 1:26:02 into the movie, Kiki’s friend is painting a picture and asks Kiki to model for the picture, but Kiki says she is not pretty enough [Overly nervous. Afraid to be the center of attention. Putting herself down as being ‘not pretty’ as a defense mechanism.]

This may help you better understand your wife’s situation. You might even suggest she watch the movie and then tell you her reactions to it.

Both a Japanese version and English version are available.

Kiki's Delivery Service (1989)
Originally released in Japanese as Majo no takkyûbin, 1989

 
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