Well, I hear that there is a superb course in vermont, USA offering to teach you at least conversational japanese (covers writing as well, but I doubt you'd memorise 2000 kanji so fast) in 9 weeks (these are summer courses, so you missed out this year...)... you go to the college, sign a contract saying you will only speach the language you are learning (or get kicked out, no refund) and over 9 weeks you cover... well, a lot. for some, 18 weeks is needed, but most people learn enough of the language within 9 weeks to develop it themselves by reading, watching japanese tv etc. its about $7000 so expensive, but then Pimsleur tapes cost $1000 (legally) for all three volumes, and that doesn't cover all japanese by a looong stretch (eg. writing). I'm doing German courses with them next year, see how that works out...
the college site is:
Japanese
(check around for intensive summer courses)
otherwise, get pimsleur software for speaking and listening... i don't know, download it to save yourself a bundle of cash, you will get some conversational ability from this;
writing and reading... well that's hard, I basically just learn the kanji plainly... buy a good dictionary and go through the most important ones. The best dictionary in my opinion is the Kodansha Kanji Learner's Dictionary.
...For a deity you seem to be pretty inquisitive...
