Getting Married - what to expect

emi3g

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Hello! I am getting married this summer to a wonderful Japanese man. His parents are planning the wedding for us. While I don't have to deal with the stress of any miscommunications or such, I have no idea what to expect. If there is anyone (preferably American woman, but all are welcome! :D ) out there who is or has been in a similar situation, I would really appreciate any tips or advice about your own experience or anything that may have surprised you.
Thank you!!!! 🙏
 
Are you making a distinction between getting married and being married?

If you mean you have no idea what to expect at the wedding, no big deal. If you mean you have no idea what to expect being in an international/intercultural marriage, that's something to worry about.
 
Are you making a distinction between getting married and being married?
If you mean you have no idea what to expect at the wedding, no big deal. If you mean you have no idea what to expect being in an international/intercultural marriage, that's something to worry about.
It is the actual process of getting married that I am concerned about, such as any information about goshuugi (for my family to give), what is appropriate for my family to wear, or anything that I haven't thought about. I have asked my fiance many questions, but I'm sure there are some things that Japanese people wouldn't even think about telling me - those sneaky cultural differences.
 
Are you getting married in Japan?
One thing that surprised me the first time I attended a wedding in Japan is that all the guests have to pay (quite a lot) even if the person getting married is just a remote friend.
To give you an example: I went to the nijikai of the wedding of a friend of my girlfriend that I barely know, I still had to pay 30,000 yens for a 2-hours event.
Now, if you are a family member it is customary to offer 50,000 yens. So each single cousin, uncle, aunt will each give 50,000yens. And I'm not even talking about how much the parents pay. :)
Those are the kind of important details they might "forget" to tell you. ;)
 
The amount you have to pay differs by region. I've been told \30,000 was typical in Tokyo, but in Okinawa , only \10,000 was expected.
 
This might be a good web site resource:
Being A Broad

All guests are expected to wear suits and formal clothing. Your husband should easily be able to explain that and the concept of gift-giving .

Will the ceremony take place in a hotel, a church, or a shrine? There could be procedural differences in how it takes place. Mine was in a chapel, and the only practice we got was 10 minutes before the ceremony took place. No rehearsal or dinner beforehand either. You need to decide whether a minister will officiate in English or Japanese or both.

Dinner afterward is also structured. You will enter formally arm in arm, probably with your own select music playing and perhaps with a bilingual MC/host making remarks. Find out if you personally have to make a speech and in what language.

There may be special gifts for people. We hid markers inside the cake for 2 people to get a "prize gift" when they found the markers, for example.

Ask when photography takes place. A BIGGIE is going to be what you (just you) will wear, and whether you will change clothing for different times during the reception.

Despite receiving money and gifts from people, you will have to give back presents or money to everyone, too.

Fun, fun, fun. Enjoy!
 
Thank you, everyone. I will have to check out that website, Glenski! We will have a Shinto wedding in northern Honshu (so I will wear a kimono) and then later switch into my "Western" white dress for the reception. I really have no other details about my wedding, so your responses will give me a few things to ask my fiance and his family. ^___^
Do you have any idea what would be acceptable for a woman in her late 50s to wear? (colors, length, frills, etc) Also, what about a man about the same age? My dad will wear a dark suit, but is there a certain color of shirt and tie he should wear? I'll check with my fiance also... but I just wanted to ask others that already been there, done that, so my family and I won't feel embarrassed by doing something wrong. And as you said SakuraBlitz, sometimes there are things they "forget" to tell you. Got to love that, lol. ;P
Thank you, once again!!!!
 
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Men usually wear dark suits. Those involved in the wedding itself (father of the bride, best man) wear white ties. Definitely NO black ties. (those are for funerals) I'd say go with a starched white shirt, too.

Women should not wear anything to upstage the bride (nothing too flashy, nothing resembling a white wedding gown). Even business suits are common for women. Younger women are typically more colorful than older ones if they opt for a dress instead of a suit.

Putting on a kimono is a royal pain (so my female acquaintances and wife say) and takes about 30 minutes WITH assistance. Bear that in mind.

Pretty typical pics here.
What to Expect at a Japanese Wedding - Japan Talk
 
Putting on a kimono is a royal pain (so my female acquaintances and wife say) and takes about 30 minutes WITH assistance. Bear that in mind.

I do the photos for a traditional Japanese dance group, including backstage and in the dressing room. The same is true of watching women getting dressed in kimono as is said of making sausage....you should never watch it being done. There is little in this world more elegant or beautiful than a woman in a kimono who has benefited from skillful assistance in dressing, kimono/obi coordination, hair styling, cosmetic application, and above all, the confident carriage that only comes with natural ease born of experience. And there is little in this world less elegant or beautiful than a woman in the early stages of the process. The gap is enormous.
 
Someone will assist me with my kimono, makeup, hairstyling, etc. which I am very grateful. I highly doubt I could put a kimono on by myself, as it's hard enough for me to put on a yukata! A wedding kimono is something I really would not want to mess up on.
This will be my first time in wearing a kimono, and I was actually just informed it will take a long 3 hours for me to prepare for the wedding. Oh, how I look forward to such a wonderful experience!
Mike Cash: lmbo. I wouldn't doubt it. ;)
 
It may or may not happen to you, but expect it anyway. Your mother in law may go insane. She may suddenly change plans for the most crazy reasons imaginable.

She may flip out over really silly things. Like if you have a tattoo and she just finds out. I know someone who was going through all this with the MIL. Then the MIL found she had a tattoo. She canceled the wedding plans.

Also you may expect your fiance to take the MIL's side no matter what. I have heard of this too. Sometimes the fiance will "divorce" his parents for you though. It has happened.
 
ツ心窶堋ゥ窶堙ァ窶堋ィ窶ーテキ窶堙「窶堙敖申窶堋オツ湘」窶堋ー窶堙懌?堋キ
 
not the angle i was coming from, i am simply sorry to hear what she is about to do, thats all
i do hope it will work out for them, but i doubt it will
i am honest, not pretentious, like the majorioty of people on this crazy planet, so i speak my mind, and not what other wish to hear
i have seen too many relations of this type going sideways pretty fast, and i do not think it is a best thing to do, but, of course there are exceptions, so perhaps this will be it
 
You're right. I forgot you're against the whole mixed-marriage thing. Way to go, raining on a bride's parade. Real classy.

Bride, one thing you can look forward to is putting up with people like him.
 
hahaha, my wife is Asian (not Japanese though), so i am not against the mixed marriage thing. In fact I am a really happily married person.
she (the bride) doesnt have to put up with me, she asked what she can expect so i am giving her my answer, i do not really care if you like it or not, Mike
I simply know maybe 1 happy couple in a mixed marriage in which one side is Japanese. The culture clash is so hard that those relations do not survive. It ususally ends up in the war of the roses pretty fast.
i am not bashing her for marrying a Japanese guy, I am simply telling her what she may expect, that is all.
 
So, you're just bigoted against the Japanese, then? Or is your wife racially Asian but from the same country as you and you're just sour on international marriages? Or are we to assume you're dissatisfied with your marriage and don't think anybody else can pull it off either?

Any way you slice it, you're just a petty, mean-spirted, narrow-minded, bitter little harbinger of doom. What do you do for fun on the weekends? Go to the old folks' home and wax the steps?
 
see people like you make it a waste of time to post on forums
my wife is Asian, and from Asia. I would not call myself narrow minded, but as long as you happy in your element then you enjoy whatever you think of me. i am not bitter lol, i just know a ton of people who either are divorced, getitng divorced or thinking of it. My wife was ina marriage with a Japanese guy too. On weekends I study old Japanese literature, which is also what i do on weekdays, but i do not expect you to understand that. i have more respect for the old Japanese culture than you can imagine, i simply do not think that this kind of marriage is a best idea. you have a nice day.

edit: my wife just read it and she asked me to type on her behalf that in her experience (she lives in Japan 25 years already) even Asians married to Japanese rarely make it through.
 
Nice batch of tangential straw men you assembled there. You two must enjoy sharing your bitterness. (Was I supposed to be impressed she's been here 25 years?)
 
I simply know maybe 1 happy couple in a mixed marriage in which one side is Japanese.
Let's at least double that figure now that you know me. Increase that tenfold or more with all of the friends I know. You just don't know the right people, it seems.

Get off this, guys. She wants to know what to expect as far as the ceremony is concerned, not her life afterward.
 
Get off this, guys. She wants to know what to expect as far as the ceremony is concerned, not her life afterward.

Exactly why I asked for clarification about which she was seeking early in the thread.

Unfortunately, ryuurui only knows how to make two kinds of posts: look-at-me! look-at-me! look-at-me! vanity posts seeking praise for his calligraphy and posts venting the foul contents of his spleen whenever he hears somebody is about to marry a Japanese person.
 
Gentlemen, let's please focus on the OP's questions and not further derail this thread. Thank you.
 
She may flip out over really silly things. Like if you have a tattoo and she just finds out. I know someone who was going through all this with the MIL. Then the MIL found she had a tattoo. She canceled the wedding plans.

I know enough about Japan's culture to do something like get a tattoo or such. Plus, many of my Japanese friends say I think like a Japanese person. I'm a people person. If someone asks me for a favor I will not turn them down. I like people to be happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness (until some jerk named ryuurui posts on my forum, see below - of course I will say things to complete strangers on the internet that I would not dare voice face-to-face). Anyway, my soon to be in-laws are all very sweet and wonderful, and if I did anything to offend them, I would do my best to remedy the situation. They have already done so much for my family and me, that I couldn't even imagine having a better family to marry into. Love them. Not too worried. ;)

心からお悔やみ申し上げます

What the heck?! First, you only know 1 happily married internationally mixed couple – you must not know very many people. I, on the other hand, know plenty, and all seem to be doing pretty damn well. (excuse my French) In fact, just 3 of the couples I know have been happily married for probably between 20-30-ish years now, not to mention plenty of others who have been married within the past 10. Second of all, you don't know my fianc・or me very well. Not all of us are so narrow-minded and culturally ignorant that our marriage will fall apart.
One thing I have found in the 6 years I have known this man is most of our disagreements and miscommunications can be blamed on cultural differences. Usually once we figure this out we laugh about it and come up with a compromise. So don't you dare tell me "心からお悔やみ申し上げます" and say that's what I should expect. That tells me nothing. A person that does her research, seeks the advice of strangers, and the help of her friends wants her relationship to survive, and to avoid making the same mistakes such as the ignorant fools that you happen to know.
If you must ask why I don't just stick with asking people I know... they're all in the opposite situation and live in the states. I would much rather ask them than have to deal with jerks like you. If you reply to this forum with nonsense again I will find a way to block you, remove your posts, or something along those lines. I only want useful comments. I don't care if they hurt my feelings or if it's something I don't want to hear, but I don't need any negativity.
Thank you, and go have fun raining on someone else's parade because I for one will not put up with this kind of BS. さようなら.


Get off this, guys. She wants to know what to expect as far as the ceremony is concerned, not her life afterward.

Gentlemen, let's please focus on the OP's questions and not further derail this thread. Thank you.

Thank you, and thank you. :) Sorry for such a long message, but I seem to be in the worst of moods today, and this is a great place to take out my frustrations, rather than in real life.

On a side note, sorry if anything I wrote makes absolutely no sense. Allergies are kicking my butt. Ugh... >.<
 
Is this thread really from 2013? Why is it appearing at the top of the forum?

Never mind. My bad. It was at the top of the 'Similar Threads,' not the Forum.

I thought it was odd to be seeing such an old thread appear at the top of a list...
 
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