Dirty jokes

[Maciamo]

To divide the thread on Japanese jokes :

A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!

She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!

She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"

 

[Maciamo]

The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse.

The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room"

The lady from Japan says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.."

The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..."

Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to another..."

 

[kinjo]

@Maciamo:clap: Brilliant now that first joke made me laugh out loud

 

[NQT]

Clever. Gave me a good chuckle.

 

[mad pierrot]

Two guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his penis. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one. To which the other replied,

"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

 

[Vodkee]

Why do dogs lick themselves?







Because they can't make a fist!

 

[Satori]

Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus....Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting

THE CLINTON Virus....Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...Makes a new hard drive out of an old
floppy

THE LEWINSKY virus...Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did

THE RONALD REAGAN virus....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

THE MIKE TYSON virus....Quits after two bytes

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...Deletes all old files

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...Disks can no longer be inserted

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...Only attacks minor files

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows

______________________________

Health Care


Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of Australia's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would probably die."

"Oh, I am sorry, poor fellow" said the Queen. On the next floor they pass a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening here?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health coverage."

_________________________

The Horth


Guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to
look at a horse.

"How will I recognize him?" he asks.


"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment". So, the midget shows
up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her tw*t"?

Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's tw*t, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

_____________________

Viagra joke ...


The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten list. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The Top Ten:

10. Whaazzzzz Up!
9. The quicker pecker upper.
8. Like a rock!
7. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Be all that you can be.
5. Reach out and touch someone.
4. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Tastes great! More filling!
2. We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis ... this is your penis on drugs ...


__________________________

Top 10 Ways to Tell Someone Their Zipper Is Unzipped:
By David Letterman ...


10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped ....

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"

 

[mad pierrot]

Did you hear...

They finally came up with the generic word for over-the-counter Viagra:


Mycoxaflopin

 

[Satori]

NEWS FLASH!!!!!

At a news conference today, Monica Lewinsky surprised reporters when she
said, "I voted Republican this year, the Democrats left a bad taste in my
mouth"!!

____________________

Headlines
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle

_____________________

Sex laws of the world...


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But, of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, though)

_______________________

WHY DON'T BIG PLANES HAVE LITTLE PLANES?

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight attendant.

So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked the young man, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said she had.

The flight attendant knelt down and whispered in the little boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest always pulls out on time."

____________________

My First Time

The Sky Was Dark, The Moon Was High'
We Were All Alone, Just She and I.
Her Hair So Soft, Her Eyes So Blue;
I Knew What I Had To Do.
Her Skin So Fair, Her legs So Fine;
I Ran My Fingers Down Her Spine.
I Didn't Know How, But I tried My Best;
I Started By Placing My Hands On Her breast.
I Remember My Fear, My Fast Beating Heart;
But Slowly She Spread Her Legs Apart.
And When I Did It, I Felt No Shame;
Then All At Once The White Stuff Came.
At Last It's Finished, It's All Over Now;
My First Experience At Milking A Cow!

_______________________

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he will come down himself and do it, but for Godsake tell the stupid bastard to take his hand off the intercom!"

__________________

Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked

10. No one will ever steal your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...

The Number One reason to go to work naked...IS

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00 a.m.!" ever again.

________________________

That's the wave

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly...
"You see, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel !"

_____________________

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

_____________________

 

[Lina Inverse]

Health Care

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of Australia's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would probably die."

"Oh, I am sorry, poor fellow" said the Queen. On the next floor they pass a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening here?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health coverage."

I'm sure there's still a third patient with even better health coverage, resulting in a nurse "riding" him five times a day

 

[Satori]

I'm sure there's still a third patient with even better health coverage, resulting in a nurse "riding" him five times a day

Yee haw!!! Now that plan would have benefits for both the patient and the nurse!! :winklove:

______________________

Of course, there are always benefits to riding a horse as well ...

18 Reasons Riding Horses is Better Than Sex

18- You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.

17- If you are having trouble with riding, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

16- The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.

15- If your trainer takes pictures or videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.

14- Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've ridden.

13- It's perfectly respectable to ride a horse you've never met before, just once, or, ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or not.

12- When you see a really good horse, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining riding him.

11- If your regular horse isn't available, he/she won't object if you ride another horse.

10- Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.

9- When dealing with a riding trainer, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8- You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy riding stuff.

7- You can have a riding calendar on your wall at the office, tell riding jokes and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for harassment.

6- There's no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.

5- If you want to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel (but you might need a video tape).

4- Nobody expects you to promise to ride the same horse for the rest of your life.

3- Nobody expects you to give up riding if your equine partner loses interest in the sport.

2- You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of riding.

1- Your horse will never say, "What? You just rode me last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

 

[Vodkee]

This is a Dirty/Blond joke:

What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?





The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it!

 

[Satori]

Executive Quandry

Some days are like this ...

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had
narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard
decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent
work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler
first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."

 

[Satori]

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen. She got so mad and called the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."

____________________

Two blondes were in a darkened theater.

One whispers to the other, "The guy next to me is jerking off."

"Just ignore him," her friend said.

"I can't," replied the first woman. "He's using my hand."

____________________

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.

The clerk says it will be $100.

She replies " But I don't have any money.... and I *must* get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything? "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him.

"Unzip me..." She does. "Now, take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead......do it.."

She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?.... Mom?"

_______________________

 

[anadorei]

Here's a few for ya......


A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a nice cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said to the person sitting next to him: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"



CASE DISMISSED
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court, the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied:" Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition.

She sat under an advertising sign that said," The Double Mint Twins are coming", and I had to smile.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said," Slogan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling"; and I had to grin.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said,' William's Big Stick Did The Trick', and I could hardly control myself.

But when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said " Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident", I laughed out loud.

Case Dismissed said the Judge.



"The Suppository Incident"

A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him.

She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

"Memorandum!"

TO: All employees

FROM: The boss

DATE: August 3, 2000

RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the **** do you expect me to do this?



TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No ******* way!



TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.



TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a ****.



TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a ****.



TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my ******* problem.



TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the ****?



TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: **** it, it won't work.



TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?



TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the **** cares?



TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ***.



TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ***.



TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: **** it, I'm on salary.



TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ***.



TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.



TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?



TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Bite me.



TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another ******* meeting?



TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a ****.



TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a ******* *****.



TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting *****.



TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: What the **** are you doing?