Can someone correct this paragraph?

[-悪魔-]

Can someone please help me correct the grammar here:

私の好きな所は東京です。東京は日本の中、近い海です。にぎやかで、楽しくて、いろいろ物をするので、東京に行くのが大好きです。東京はとても大きい市です。たくさん人に住んでいて人気があるので、東京はとても高い所。東京に、たくさんいろいろ物をできます。おいしい日本料理を食べたり、買い物をたり、こえんを行ったりできます。おいしい日本料理を食べるのが一番楽しいだと思います。

It's suppose to say:

My favorite place is Tokyo. Tokyo is in Japan, near the sea. Because its lively, fun, and there are various things to do, I love to go to Tokyo. Tokyo is a very big city. Because there is a lot of people living there and it is very popular, Tokyo is a very expensive place. In Tokyo, you can do a lot of various things. You can do things such as eat delicious japanese food, go shopping, and go to parks. I think that eating delicious japanese good is the best.

If you can, can you guys suggest a few more sentences for me, I have no idea what else to write. We are just suppose to write about our favorite place.

 

[GaijinPunch]

私の好きな所は東京です = 私が好きな and if your really mean favorite, it would be 一番好きな.

The next sentence I would say needs to be reworked. Why not say something like "Tokyo is a city in Japan [or literally, Tokyo is Japan's city] 海の近くです。 近い海 = nearby sea. While a tidal wave will wipe out most of Tokyo, it's not the sea.

You're kind of abusing the comma -- don't need them. 物 = animate or inanimate things. Not things you "do". Look up こと for this instance.

I'd use 街 instead of 市 in this case.

The next sentence has an article nightmare. You're missing something between たくさん and 人 and you've got the wrong thing between 人 and 住んでいる.

Using たくさん + いろいろ is not such a good idea... at least not consecutively. It can be done though. and the 物 thing as stated above applies here too.

A couple of errors after that... probably typos. Your verb for 買物 is wrong, and you've misspelled Park.

As for suggestions. I'd suggest the same thing in English, as Japanese. You should connect these sentences more, to make if it flow (and not have repetitive information).

 

[Elizabeth]

たくさん人に住んでいて人気があるので、東京はとても高い所。

The "te" gerund form for 'and' doesn't really work here either -- (住んでいて人気があるので) since being popular (with who as the subject ? ) doesn't in any way logically follow from the fact that it is large. And doesn't necessarily connect to being overpriced either. Take Alaska, for instance, as one of the most expensive states in the US with one of the lowest population densities.

 

[-悪魔-]

I changed and added a little:

私が一番好きな所は東京です。東京は日本の市、海の近くです。にぎやかで楽しくていろいろことをするので、東京に行くのが大好きです。東京はとても大きい町です。たくさん人に住んでいて人気があるので、東京はとても高い所。東京に、たくさんいろいろことをできます。おいしい日本料理を食べたり、買い物をしたり、こうえんを行ったりできます。東京に行く時、日本料理を食べるのが一番楽しいだと思います。あなたは面白くてきれい物を見られるので、東京はとても有名所です。

How am I suppose to say "because a lot of people live here and its popular, Tokyo is a very expensive place."?

I know that statement isn't true for every single situation, but almost always all popular, big cities are expensive places, so I'll still include that in the paragraph.

 

[Elizabeth]

I changed and added a little:

私が一番好きな所は東京です。東京は日本の市、海の近くです。にぎやかで楽しくていろいろことをするので、東京に行くのが大好きです。東京はとても大きい町です。たくさん人に住んでいて人気があるので、東京はとても高い所。東京に、たくさんいろいろことをできます。おいしい日本料理を食べたり、買い物をしたり、こうえんを行ったりできます。東京に行く時、日本料理を食べるのが一番楽しいだと思います。あなたは面白くてきれい物を見られるので、東京はとても有名所です。

How am I suppose to say "because a lot of people live here and its popular, Tokyo is a very expensive place."?

I know that statement isn't true for every single situation, but almost always all popular, big cities are expensive places, so I'll still include that in the paragraph.

When you come up with a subject I'll let you in on it (although I don't see a distinction between being large and popular). You also need something after "tanoshii" to make it clear your favorite thing is eating delicious food -- not simply your most enjoyable I think. The last sentence is also totally unclear to me. Did you mean "mieru," can see ?

 

[Elizabeth]

I know that statement isnt true for every single situation, but almost always all popular, big cities are expensive places, so I'll still include that in the paragraph.

That may be, but without any context in your description for understanding "takai" as expensive, it will be appreciated literally as a high place.

If you want to say "Living in Tokyo is expensive," it goes something like this :
東京 に住むのはとても高くつく。

 

[GaijinPunch]

Take Alaska, for instance, as one of the most expensive states in the US with one of the lowest population densities.

Huh?! Either way, population density *OR* remote location (Hawaii) is the main cause for inflation, so I would still say the point is valid... though not really gramatically correct.

That may be, but without any context in your description for understanding "takai" as expensive, it will be appreciated literally as a high place.

I think he's got plenty of context. First: it goes w/o saying that the main reason Tokyo is so expensive is due to lack of space. Second: MOST crowded cities are much more expensive than less-crowded cities in the same country. I can't see anyone nit-picking this particular assignment. However, saying it's "crowded" rather than popular and a lot of people live there might be a better idea.