Are Japanese People Too Polite To Be Your Friends?

[Megumi Kimoto]

I'm pretty sure we all agree on this when I say there is no such thing as "true friends"...

As this is Japan Forum, let us relate it to Japan, shall we? I checked how Japanese people might respond to this. Here is what I found on Yomiuri Newspaper's bulletin board (発言小町)
(Rough translation)
Comment by a Japanese woman: ﾂ"I cannot trust other people. People betray each other. My family is dysfunctional. There is no such thing as a friendship. When something troubles me, I cannot consult with my pals, because they will gossip about me behind my back. I feel terrible, as I cannot trust other people. I do not feel happiness. How can I start trusting other people?
To this, there were 13 replies by Japanese viewers. The following is the summary:

1. If some private matters trouble you, never consult your friends. Instead, solve the trouble by yourself – consult books, or travel. Be independent.
2. People can be underhanded, unethical and dangerous, but a human being cannot live alone. Unless you trust other people, other people don't trust you. You'll meet someone you can trust someday. Take heart.
3. Like attracts like. If you become a trustworthy person, trustworthy people gather around you.
4. No one is perfect. Other people may fall short of your expectation from time to time, but give them some allowance.
5. Consult a professional counselor.
6. Some people are always flippant, and some always serious. If you have your own philosophy, you'll meet a true friend someday.
7. Depth of a friendship depends on the number of serious interactions involving one's experience.

Hope this will help.

 

[Ayumi_K]

Yeh, in way true. I just think that is how Japanese people are. Lot of time they don't say what's on their heart. It doesn't make them less a person though~
like american, we will openly express our feelings and I think it might be overbearing cuz its just not what they are used to as a whole~ xD
I think it jus has to do with difference in culture n location basically, cuz I have NO problem with my asian-american friends~ lol ^0^

 

[bluepilot]

Just the other day I rang my friend in Kobe and she said 'moshi moshi, moshi moshi' in the most beautiful Japanese I have ever heard...then, when she realised it was me, slipped back into her Kansai dialect...I had never noticed how terrible the Kansai dialect can sound until that day...

I have met many Japanese people who are polite to a point of coldness but I also have three friends who I would not swap for the whole world.

We are very close friends but I think that the case is slightly exceptional because we were in a sports club together (so, since I joined there was that sense of 'uchi' we were doukyuusei and saw each other almost everyday. Even when I got into a flight with another club member, they stood by my side (even though he was handsome, Japanese and they had known him longer) and I have never had such honest and loyal friends my whole life.

However, I think that under these circumstances, we became close friends but under other circumstances we would not have gotton to know each other.

Also, it took a lot of time to become friends. In that time I had to improve my Japanese a LOT and get beyond the normal conversation.

So, even though Japanese people have this cold politeness to them, I still think it is possible to make friends. But also extremly difficult.

I think that probably one of the most important things is to be in the 'uchi'..not necessarily accepted (because I do not think that you will ever me fully accepted) but neverthe less in

 

[maushan3]

It is very weird since I lived there and on my stay I don't think I hd a single real Japanese friend. I got over it and just did my thing with the other foreigners who most of them might be the best friends that I could ask for.

Then my departure time came and suddenly a lot of Japanese started giving me appreciation letters, gifts and whatnot. Oh, and these were the people who I searched for during the year but were too busy all the time to hang out or I don't know. And now back home in Mexico, I get sudden e-mails from Japanese ex-classmates asking how I'm doing, etc. and I even got some parcels with gifs from these people.

I think it is very weird, kind of a contradiction.

Also, it took a lot of time to become friends. In that time I had to improve my Japanese a LOT and get beyond the normal conversation.

I came to the conclusion that while Japanese is important, it won't guarantee you getting in their inner circle of friends.

So, even though Japanese people have this cold politeness to them, I still think it is possible to make friends. But also extremly difficult.
I think that probably one of the most important things is to be in the 'uchi'..not necessarily accepted (because I do not think that you will ever me fully accepted)

Another remark I have to make... it is a lot easier to chat and just converse with Japanese who are involved in student exchange programs and if you click it is quite easy to make a real friend in Japan.

One example is that I have a Swiss friend currently going to high school in Kyoto and people were all nice but he didn't consider them friends whatsoever. Well, he met other Japanese high schol guys from an international school who had a more liberal way of thinking. (e.g. They don't wear school uniforms) And these guys were very different from my friend's school's people. He hangs out with them because they are a lot more down-to-Earth than your regular Japanese and he considers them real friends.

Mauricio

 

[nova]

I have never been close with the few japanese people I have met, so I wouldn't know about that. But from what I've heard from people who been there, seems to me like people are less obvious about their feelings and tend to loosen up a bit a while after having met you.

 

[Langager]

I agree with the small talk part, many things stay superficial.

I have also found that alcohol helps to break down some of the walls and assists in getting people here to talk more about their feelings.

This makes Japanese friendship expensive and not free. These "purchasing" and "mind altering" rituals serve to provide distance. Therefore, it is still difficult to get truly close to real Japanese people, much easier to approach expensive altered ones. That all boils down to a reality in which Japanese (real) people are very difficult to get close to, yappari.

 

[OoTmaster]

Maybe you didn't notice but the most recent post in this thread before your own was almost 9 years ago. It's a good idea to look at the date of the last posted comment before posting on a thread since none of these people are likely to respond to you even if they're still active on the forum. Also I'm pretty sure necro posting is against forum rules if you were aware the thread was so old.

 

[mdchachi]

Maybe you didn't notice but the most recent post in this thread before your own was almost 9 years ago. It's a good idea to look at the date of the last posted comment before posting on a thread since none of these people are likely to respond to you even if they're still active on the forum. Also I'm pretty sure necro posting is against forum rules if you were aware the thread was so old.

He couldn't not notice. There's a big warning when you post on old threads and you have to click the checkbox for "I am aware that this thread is rather old but I still want to make a reply." So I think it's safe to assume that he felt he had something to add. Perhaps for posterity.
Gratuitous necroposting is prohibited but it's not a hard and fast rule (otherwise we could simply lock every old thread and be done with it).