Abusive wife might be pregnant, advice please.

[amejin]

The title summarizes it for the most part. I'm a Caucasian male married to a Japanese woman in Japan, and our relationship has been bad for quite some time. I do my best to be nice and keep things calm and peaceful, but she gets angry over everything, insults and belittles me, threatens me, and sometimes hits me. There have been times when she has left numerous bruises, scratches, and bite marks. I get kicked out of the house from time to time as well, including the most recent incident a couple weeks ago. I was staying at a nearby hotel when she told me to come home, and I thought she was going to ask for a divorce, to which I would have happily agreed. Instead she told me that she might be pregnant.

Had she not told me this I would have tried to move forward with a divorce, but the potential pregnancy has left me not knowing what to do. To be perfectly honest, I don't want to raise a child in an environment like this and am still considering divorce. If anyone here has been in this situation or has any knowledge, first-hand or otherwise, of what options I may have available to me, I would greatly appreciate any comments. Thank you.

 

[Mike Cash]

You should consult a lawyer.

 

[Dotanbatan]

Here are some links re legal advice:

日本弁護士連合会│Japan Federation of Bar Associations：Legal Counseling for Foreigners

Japan Legal Support Center

Also for advice and guidance on appropriate referrals:

Japan Helpline
Tel: 0120-46-1997

TELL Community Counselling Services (TCCS)
Tel: 03-3498-0231

For professional counselling - Tokyo, but worth a call:

AMI Counselling
Dr. Ana Maloyan-Kishida
Tel: 03-3448-1272

Sorry I can't give you any personal guidance other than to suggest making sure you are fully aware of the consequences (legal and otherwise) if you decide to divorce.

I do agree with you that the home environment as it is, would not be a good one to raise a child in.

Others on the forum may have personal experiences in Japan of the dilemma you are facing and can offer more specific thoughts and guidance.

Best of luck.

 

[Mike Cash]

Don't forget to include possible visa ramifications, if any, in your considerations.

 

[amejin]

Thanks for the replies. As far as my visa status goes, I'm on a work visa (she refused to help with applying for a spouse visa because she was "too busy" and didn't want people to think I was just marrying her for a visa), so I doubt that divorce would have any effect on that as long as I stay employed in a suitable fashion.

Last year we bought a place in her name with a 35-year loan. We're both working, make roughly the same salary, and pay equally when it comes to the mortgage and utilities and such. I assume that in the event of a divorce she would get to keep the house, which is fine by me.

She is going to visit a doctor next week to get an official test done. My guess is that she would be at about 6 or 7 weeks if she's actually pregnant. If she is indeed pregnant and wants to keep it, I was thinking of asking for marriage counseling at the very least, which I have done before, but she has always angrily scoffed at the idea. Should she refuse again, I think that bringing up divorce or at least separation will be my next step. She has always turned down counseling on the grounds that the problems we have are because of me being a) untrustworthy, b) irresponsible, c) an a-hole, or d) stupid to think it would help when all I have to do is stop screwing everything up like I always do, but maybe having a child in the picture will persuade her to think a bit more pragmatically.

By the way, she doesn't want me to go to the doctor with her because "it would upset the nurses" and she apparently is planning on taking her mother with her. Her mother has always been a priority over me, it seems, which is another thing I'm less than satisfied with, but hardly grounds for divorce on its own.

Seeking legal advice at this stage is a bit tricky because she works in the law profession and seems to know a number of people at the local Bar Association. I have sent a couple anonymous e-mails to lawyers in the area, and they all seem to think I have decent grounds to file for divorce though with a pregnant wife it would be rather complicated, even with proof of abuse, threats, etc.

Sorry for the rambling, and thanks again for the comments and links. I'll look into those when I have a bit more time.

 

[nice gaijin]

that's a rough spot, sorry you've found yourself in this situation. If she does turn out to be pregnant, what would you want to do? Please keep us posted, as your experience may prove useful to others in a similar situation.

This thread reminded me of a video I saw a while back that illustrated the different reactions people have to domestic violence based on the genders of the abuser and abused.

 

[nahadef]

Japan is not a counseling country. They like to keep it in. Even with the most reasonable of partners, it would be difficult to convince them.

I would demand to go to the doctor with her. Her reasons for not wanting you to go are less important than your right to go. It might make you look ugly, but she's forcing you into a position where you have no choice.

 

[Mark of Zorro]

Okay, I have to ask this. You were fully conscious each time you had sex, yes? Is it actually possible you got her pregnant? Even though you didn't want to get her pregnant?

My snap opinion is that she is lying to you and she is not pregnant at all. And that is why she does not want you to go to the doctor with her. But hey, are home pregnancy tests available in Japan? Get one and watch her either refuse to do it or throw the results away before you can see.

And for Pete's sake don't have unprotected sex with her because you assume she is telling you the truth about pregnancy. Its a friggen trap.

But if she is pregnant it just might be somebody else's.

And you need to drop this belief that she is going to change in your favor. Its not going to happen without electroshock therapy. If she is pregnant and does have a baby though, she will change, and it will all be about the baby and just get worse for you.

You asked for advice so I give it to you, take it or leave it. You need to get out of this marriage one way or another, baby or not. You need to demand she get an abortion if she is pregnant (and I don't think she is). You need to grab your stuff and move out. You need to run down to the city hall and get divorce papers (rikon todokei) fill out the general parts and your parts and take it to her and demand she fill in her parts and put her hanko on it. If you can convince her of that, its the most no nonsense divorce you can get.

If she won't stamp the divorce papers you can help her along by telling her things like you got a girlfriend and/or genital warts or hepatitis from a prostitute. Or that you got some other woman pregnant. Make yourself as undesirable as possible. Its not like she can actually "win" a divorce from a guy who can go back to his own country at any time is it? (probably should transfer your funds to a home side bank account though, and without her knowledge)

You need to take control and get out. This creature lies to you and disrespects you and denies you your position as a husband making xenophobic excuses. You need to get out and find yourself a younger woman next time, someone who will conform to you a bit and put you ahead of perfect strangers.

 

[amejin]

Okay, I have to ask this. You were fully conscious each time you had sex, yes? Is it actually possible you got her pregnant? Even though you didn't want to get her pregnant?

My snap opinion is that she is lying to you and she is not pregnant at all. And that is why she does not want you to go to the doctor with her. But hey, are home pregnancy tests available in Japan? Get one and watch her either refuse to do it or throw the results away before you can see.

Yes, it actually is possible that she is pregnant. We did have sex a couple times last month after making up from another big, stupid fight we had. She also did take an at-home pregnancy test last week, which was positive. I saw the results as well.

But if she is pregnant it just might be somebody else's.

I highly doubt that, actually. Her social life more or less ground to a halt after we moved in together, and any time she goes out it's usually with me or her family. Faking pregnancy and infidelity aren't too high on my list of concerns at the moment.

If she won't stamp the divorce papers you can help her along by telling her things like you got a girlfriend and/or genital warts or hepatitis from a prostitute. Or that you got some other woman pregnant. Make yourself as undesirable as possible.

I don't think this is a very good idea. In Japan, infidelity and such can be considered grounds for a large cash settlement, and she also knows a lot about the law, so she could make damn sure that I have to pay up should I blurt out some claims that I'm sleeping around or diseased. It could quite possibly screw me over even further in the long run.

Japan is not a counseling country. They like to keep it in. Even with the most reasonable of partners, it would be difficult to convince them.

I would demand to go to the doctor with her. Her reasons for not wanting you to go are less important than your right to go. It might make you look ugly, but she's forcing you into a position where you have no choice.

I'm aware that counseling is not a common thing here by any means, but the service does exist, and as often as we have tried and failed to fix the problems we have between us, I think giving it a try would be better than nothing. Of course that means getting her to understand that we need to actually work together on it as opposed to her just expecting me to do everything the way she wants. I'm gonna keep pushing on the doctor visit, too.

 

[Mark of Zorro]

So you didn't really want to get her pregnant, but you did.

You won't be the first guy of course, I just sit here in awe of how completely foolish that is. Oh well, spilt milk now.

I don't think this is a very good idea. In Japan, infidelity and such can be considered grounds for a large cash settlement, and she also knows a lot about the law, so she could make damn sure that I have to pay up should I blurt out some claims that I'm sleeping around or diseased. It could quite possibly screw me over even further in the long run.

I said to tell her, not the judge. In court you just say you lied and there never was any girlfriend.

 

[amejin]

Yes, in hindsight the make-up sex was a bad idea. My mistake thinking that things were actually gonna turn out better. Even after all the discussion and promises and agreements and everything, it took about one month before another explosion. Indeed I should have known better. And no, I don't think lying to her or anyone about cheating or diseases is a good way to get out of a marriage. I have enough valid reasons for wanting out as it is.

 

[johnnyG]

amejin,

You should just hop a plane and be done with it. (Of course move what funds you can before that.)

I could say that over again in several different ways, but that's the gist of it.

Good luck.

 

[amejin]

You should just hop a plane and be done with it.

No matter how messy this ordeal may become, I'm not considering just packing up and disappearing.

 

[Mark of Zorro]

Yes, in hindsight the make-up sex was a bad idea.

No. there is nothing wrong with make-up sex.

There is something wrong with putting your sperm in a vagina you don't want kids to come out of. I have had lots of sex even without condoms. But I did not leave my sperm there until I wanted a kid.

And no, I don't think lying to her or anyone about cheating or diseases is a good way to get out of a marriage. I have enough valid reasons for wanting out as it is.

Dude, I am just trying to save you from court. You are not going to have any fun in court, I promise you. Double the hell because you are a male gaijin up against a Japanese female and this is Japan.

But hey, it sounds to me like you are the type who would turn himself in to a firing squad for speeding if that was the punishment, even though the only reason you were speeding was because a carjacker had a gun to your head and told you to.

I wouldn't. If half your story is true you have firm ground to do whatever the hell it takes short of violence.

 

[stormrider]

The title summarizes it for the most part. I'm a Caucasian male married to a Japanese woman in Japan, and our relationship has been bad for quite some time. I do my best to be nice and keep things calm and peaceful, but she gets angry over everything, insults and belittles me, threatens me, and sometimes hits me. There have been times when she has left numerous bruises, scratches, and bite marks. I get kicked out of the house from time to time as well, including the most recent incident a couple weeks ago. I was staying at a nearby hotel when she told me to come home, and I thought she was going to ask for a divorce, to which I would have happily agreed. Instead she told me that she might be pregnant.

Had she not told me this I would have tried to move forward with a divorce, but the potential pregnancy has left me not knowing what to do. To be perfectly honest, I don't want to raise a child in an environment like this and am still considering divorce. If anyone here has been in this situation or has any knowledge, first-hand or otherwise, of what options I may have available to me, I would greatly appreciate any comments. Thank you.

Unfortunately I had very similar experience.
We registered for marriage then she got pregnant.
We wanted make family.
But later she became very violent.
Hit me very often, and did very rude things.Locked me out from our flat,taken my key wallet,mobile etc...
But when I wsnted separate she never agreed and threatened,like I have to pay 80 millon¥ coz I spoiled her body etc... Ridiculous

 

[Majestic]

Wow, sad stories. So, Stormrider, how did it all turn out in the end for you? Is there a happy ending in this for you?

Wonder whatever became of Amejin. Hope things worked out for him. Maybe he'll drop a note and let us know.

 

[Mike Cash]

Wow, sad stories. So, Stormrider, how did it all turn out in the end for you? Is there a happy ending in this for you?

Wonder whatever became of Amejin. Hope things worked out for him. Maybe he'll drop a note and let us know.

We never even found out if she was actually pregnant or not....

 

[WonkoTheSane]

Sadly, having worked with lots of families, from what I've seen the vast majority of people who request assistance are really not prepared to take it. I've passed the point of advising. If I see something dangerous and I'm in a position to do so I call the authorities. Otherwise, I stay out of it unless there's something extremely different about the person and their situation from most.

 

[gaijin42]

I know also one woman that used to be very violent. For example she would take a frying pan and with all her strength she would hit her husband's head. So dangerous, he could have died. She would kick him out of the flat, scream at him and all other bad scenarios. In the end they divorced.

That woman found another man after a few years and she was also getting violent and hysteric. What that other man did was, he would hold her hands and body so that she would not be able to hit him or hurt him in other way. Then he would tell her to calm down and hold her like that until she calmed down. It went like this for maybe 7 years, then gradually it came to normal. Now it will be about 18 years that that woman is with her new partner. She does not scream or try to beat her new partner anymore, although it is true that still she gets nervous sometimes. I think now they have a good relationship, but it took many years of hard work.

That woman in particular had a very bad environment as a child. Her mother was an alcoholic, her father forbid her everything,etc. and it takes time to heal from that.

A man who is not afraid to be a man when necessary can survive with such a woman and later when she heals even live with her. You cannot be gentle to her if she screams at you or beats you, she is not aware of what she is doing, you have to calm her down by holding by strongly. But her first husband just could not do and bear this, was very sensitive and when they divorced he was very happy... So it depends on who you are and how much you love her. Your posts sound like the ones of the first man.

In that case be careful, because that woman also abused her husband financially. She would say she needs more money because she wants to buy and provide a good living for their child, that she would buy a flat for fer and the child. So he yielded. In the end no flat was bought, she wasted the money on plastic operations, trips, ... And the poor man repaid the loans from divorce maybe after 13 years. He actually left his job and went to do a higher-paying work he did not like just to repay the loans quicker. He lost best of his years and never eventually got married and died at a very young age (before his 50s) from all that misery... But hopefully, you are wiser and for you it will turn out better.

 

[Mansoor]

Oh sorry. But I think when you were marrying with the wife, you had to know Japanese women know martial arts such as karate and kung fu. I guess that she beat you often with bare hand but you must be thankful that she didn't use Nunchaku against you.

However, I am sorry for your bad situation. If a wife is aggressive and grumpy, the life will be like a prison.
Now, that I am writing this comment, after your topic that was created in 2014, I don't know what would happen for you. If you are still alive, I hope either your wife behaves well with you or you have divorced her so that she thinks more about her harsh behaviors, in her loneliness. .

 

[stormrider]

Thank you guys for replies!
Gaijin42,the story you written(last) is very similar like mine.
Sorry for late response,I still suffer from her... not physical pain...
Wish...she gave punches instead of threatening and scamming...
I could face her kicks if she would be a honest person.
But I realized... basically she wants money ...and wants dominate.Plus really enjoy to hurt and no limit in sadistic.
Recently preparing for plastic surgery.She declared that got breast cancer...but I don't believe.
How can I look after?
We don't live together 8 months ago,but she wants to return to me.
I guess...just want I pay her silicon tits and after return to Tokyo .
No have evidence ... but I'm sure she has someone... rather more than one.

 

[gaijin42]

You sound like a gentle man with a good heart. That woman knows that and that is why she thinks she can continue to abuse you for the rest of your life. She will attack your feelings or use any other means to get as much from you as possible. And even if she does not get any benefit for herself, she will be doing things to you out of the spite. Some of the impact from her may drag for years, but the earlier you make an absolute cut, the better. By the fruit you know the tree!
Make exact rules between you and her (I assume a complete cut is not possible immediately because of the legal matters.) and do not loose even a tiny bit. If you have to meet with her, do it at a public place so that she may not trap you into something again. Avoid her at every cost! Disconnect from her in every way - materialistically, legally, emotionally... Remove everything from your life that reminds you of her - photos, clothes, cups... Resist any attachment thoughts to her. Change the phone number, email, renounce the convenience of using the social networks, etc. Do not have feelings for her, for she is not sincere to you.
Do not feel guilty in any way for disconnecting from her. She chose to walk the road that does not lead to life. You have to love yourself too and save yourself from her so that you could live for others who are worthy your love. You have to start a new life without her. Stay strong, cautious and wise!

If you have any doubts or need more advice, please, do not hesitate to ask me. I used to live very closely for years with one person who had been going through similar problems... Fight for your life!

 

[gaijin42]

Actually, the best thing would be not to meet her again at all except for the last time in the court to divorce her. Arrange the divorce by email, no contact in person or a phone call to avoid as much of her at all costs as much as possible. Then once divorced, forget everything about her for good in order to protect yourself from harm.

 

[stormrider]

Thank you so much for your kindness!!!
I would like to talk with you if it's possible.
Does anyone can help me with translation?

 

[gaijin42]

Thank you so much for your kindness!!!
I would like to talk with you if it's possible.

I sent you a message.