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(Dating) Advice needed

Babycute1906

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Hello,
I've been seeing this Japanese guy for a few times, we matched from Tinder. He seems like a nice man and definitely a workaholic. I'm interested in knowing more about him but the problem is he speaks very little. Like almost nothing at all if I don't ask him questions. The 1st meet was initiated by him, after that, he never directly asked me out but he agreed every time I asked him out. The only reason I can think of is that he's shy and afraid of rejection, so he doesn't make direct invitations. We held hands, hugged, kissed and had sex as I'm definitely interested in him. But I'm not so sure if he likes me or he just likes to be intimate with me? Do Japanese men often confess their feelings before sex or do they ever confess before starting a relationship? From Japanese men perspectives, do you think wanting to know more about partners is a should? or you don't want to intrude their privacy? Because he rarely asked me questions about myself.
Sorry for asking too many questions here. I can always ask him directly but I'd like to hear from you guys first.
Thank you in advance
 

Mike Cash

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You met on a casual sex hook-up app, he shows no particular interest in you, but you keep throwing the vajayjay at him anyway.....

Yeah, he'll keep banging you as long as you keep doing what you're doing. He isn't interested enough in you as a person to call you up. Where do you two go and what do you do? Is it anything you could call a date or is it just getting a room and bumping uglies? Have you met any of his friends? Do you know where he lives? How do you know he doesn't already have a wife or a girlfriend?

Want to find out if he is interested in you? Stop f*****g him and you'll find out real quick.

You're not "dating"; you're a self-activating booty-call. Have a little dignity, for Dog's sake.
 

Babycute1906

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You met on a casual sex hook-up app, he shows no particular interest in you, but you keep throwing the vajayjay at him anyway.....

Yeah, he'll keep banging you as long as you keep doing what you're doing. He isn't interested enough in you as a person to call you up. Where do you two go and what do you do? Is it anything you could call a date or is it just getting a room and bumping uglies? Have you met any of his friends? Do you know where he lives? How do you know he doesn't already have a wife or a girlfriend?

Want to find out if he is interested in you? Stop f*****g him and you'll find out real quick.

You're not "dating"; you're a self-activating booty-call. Have a little dignity, for Dog's sake.
Wow, thank you for your direct answer. Are you Japanese?
 

Mike Cash

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Wow, thank you for your direct answer. Are you Japanese?
Was that one of the qualifications for answering? I'm a male. Guys don't value anything they don't have to work to get. Quit throwing him easy sex and you'll find out if he thinks you're worth working for or not.

You want to seriously date him in hopes it turning into something more? Then you need to act like the kind of girl a guy takes home to meet Mama....not the kind he would be mortified for Mama to find out he is running around with. That's universal.
 

nice gaijin

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This guy doesn't sound like he's interested in a relationship with you, @Babycute1906. If you want to have a real/committed relationship, it doesn't seem like you're going about it the right way. This isn't necessarily a cultural thing.
 

Babycute1906

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Was that one of the qualifications for answering? I'm a male. Guys don't value anything they don't have to work to get. Quit throwing him easy sex and you'll find out if he thinks you're worth working for or not.

You want to seriously date him in hopes it turning into something more? Then you need to act like the kind of girl a guy takes home to meet Mama....not the kind he would be mortified for Mama to find out he is running around with. That's universal.
So easy sex is some kind of judgment guys make on girls. Guys wanna have sex but they want to find someone who doesn't give in sex so easily to be wife/gf material? That's ridiculous.
 

OoTmaster

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So easy sex is some kind of judgment guys make on girls. Guys wanna have sex but they want to find someone who doesn't give in sex so easily to be wife/gf material? That's ridiculous.
That's the way it is. It's kind of weird you've gotten old enough where you will have casual sex on a date and haven't realized this yet.
 

Mike Cash

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So easy sex is some kind of judgment guys make on girls. Guys wanna have sex but they want to find someone who doesn't give in sex so easily to be wife/gf material? That's ridiculous.
You're presenting yourself as a warm place to stick it and acting surprised that you're being treated as a warm place to stick it.

You can make the case that it is ridiculous, and I won't disagree with you that it is ridiculous. I'm just pointing out to you how things work and how what you're doing is counterproductive to attaining your stated goal. You may stand on principles and be offended by my advice or ignore it just as you wish. I'm not offering a personal judgment on your behavior; I think you should be free to enjoy your sexuality however you wish. But if you keep acting like a cheap piece of aśś then he's going to keep right on treating you as nothing more than a cheap piece of aśś.

You haven't answered my questions...

Do you ever go on dates that don't involve sex at some point?

Have you ever met his friends?

Have you met his parents?

Do you know his real name?

Does he know yours?

Do you know where he lives?

The answers will tell a lot about what you mean to him.
 

Babycute1906

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You're presenting yourself as a warm place to stick it and acting surprised that you're being treated as a warm place to stick it.

You can make the case that it is ridiculous, and I won't disagree with you that it is ridiculous. I'm just pointing out to you how things work and how what you're doing is counterproductive to attaining your stated goal. You may stand on principles and be offended by my advice or ignore it just as you wish. I'm not offering a personal judgment on your behavior; I think you should be free to enjoy your sexuality however you wish. But if you keep acting like a cheap piece of aśś then he's going to keep right on treating you as nothing more than a cheap piece of aśś.

You haven't answered my questions...

Do you ever go on dates that don't involve sex at some point?

Have you ever met his friends?

Have you met his parents?

Do you know his real name?

Does he know yours?

Do you know where he lives?

The answers will tell a lot about what you mean to him.
1. We went on 5 dates, only one time we had sex since we were both drunk
2. I haven't met any of his friends
3. His parents are in Japan so No
4. I do
5. Yes he does
6. I went to his house, so yes
 

Mike Cash

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Neither of you are in Japan? Is he a student or something?

Read our People Search section and notice all the abandoned children of Japanese guys who knocked up girls overseas and split never to be heard from again.

Ask him what "genchizuma" means.
 

Babycute1906

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He's working in my hometown. What does it mean and how it's written in Japanese?
 

Mike Cash

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He's working in my hometown. What does it mean and how it's written in Japanese?
Just ask him what it means. The conversation should be enlightening.

How old is this guy? Are you sure he isn't married?
 

Babycute1906

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Just ask him what it means. The conversation should be enlightening.

How old is this guy? Are you sure he isn't married?
He's 30, I'm not sure about that since he's really quiet, I can ask directly though but I think he hasn't got married yet since once I asked if he ever thought about getting married, he said he would when he found a nice woman.
Of course, I do see all the signals saying that he's not into me that much. As men are often seen proactive in pursuing women they're interested in. But I also feel that he's a nice man and not just meeting me for sex (OK, maybe I'm making excuses for him here). Maybe, just maybe he's one of those herbivore men out there.
 

Mike Cash

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The odds that he is open to bringing a much younger foreign bride back home with him aren't terribly great.
 

HanSolo

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The odds that he is open to bringing a much younger foreign bride back home with him aren't terribly great.
He'd be the first man to complain his bride is young lol

The biggest issue you're going to run into with this, OP, is the difference in attitude between Vietnamese and Japanese on this matter. While he'd probably already be married in Vietnam and have a kid, in Japan he might not get married at all, let alone have a kid.

My advice would be to paint a compelling picture about Vietnam and its future versus Japan. Relative to Vietnam, Japan is a developed (i.e. nothing else left to do) country full of old childless people, and Vietnam is a lively youthful energetic country with a bright future. And if he has eyes, he'll instinctively know that himself (and if he doesn't, just happen to walk with him past a typical bustling lively full Vietnamese school one day by "accident"). In addition to that, build an increasing variety of experiences with him, so he associates you with special experiences that he wouldn't have gotten back home. Another advantage you have is, as a Vietnamese, you tend to be more emotional and expressive with feelings overall, something that is heavily restricted in Japan (but men no less want that in a woman, rather than a robot). Bringing attention to the difference in his Japanese salary and his Vietnamese living costs wouldn't hurt either.

As always with these matters, being pushy is unattractive; the solution is to make these things clear to him in the most indirect way possible.
 

Mike Cash

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She's probably in Vietnam about like you're in Vietnam....
 

Babycute1906

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He'd be the first man to complain his bride is young lol

The biggest issue you're going to run into with this, OP, is the difference in attitude between Vietnamese and Japanese on this matter. While he'd probably already be married in Vietnam and have a kid, in Japan he might not get married at all, let alone have a kid.

My advice would be to paint a compelling picture about Vietnam and its future versus Japan. Relative to Vietnam, Japan is a developed (i.e. nothing else left to do) country full of old childless people, and Vietnam is a lively youthful energetic country with a bright future. And if he has eyes, he'll instinctively know that himself (and if he doesn't, just happen to walk with him past a typical bustling lively full Vietnamese school one day by "accident"). In addition to that, build an increasing variety of experiences with him, so he associates you with special experiences that he wouldn't have gotten back home. Another advantage you have is, as a Vietnamese, you tend to be more emotional and expressive with feelings overall, something that is heavily restricted in Japan (but men no less want that in a woman, rather than a robot). Bringing attention to the difference in his Japanese salary and his Vietnamese living costs wouldn't hurt either.

As always with these matters, being pushy is unattractive; the solution is to make these things clear to him in the most indirect way possible.
Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate it. I have talked with him about how he talks too little, he said that's the way he is and besides working too much wear him out so that he doesn't wanna talk. I think I'll take your advice as well as letting it be, I don't think it's possible to change him (though a little more affection wouldn't be appreciated). I guess The Rules apply to men all over the world, except Japan.
 

nice gaijin

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Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate it. I have talked with him about how he talks too little, he said that's the way he is and besides working too much wear him out so that he doesn't wanna talk. I think I'll take your advice as well as letting it be, I don't think it's possible to change him (though a little more affection wouldn't be appreciated). I guess The Rules apply to men all over the world, except Japan.
Has he expressed an interest in actually getting to know you, or spend time with you in any meaningful way other than getting physical? Does he engage you enthusiastically or does he just claim that he's tired and evade conversation? Sounds like the latter.

I'll repeat, it doesn't seem like he's interested in a deep relationship with you. If you enjoy the physical connection, do what you like. If you want something more, he's probably not going to give it to you.
 

bentenmusume

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I guess The Rules apply to men all over the world, except Japan.
I didn't know there was a set of "rules" that governed all people in all relationships around the world (except Japan).

I'm not going to get into specifics here because I don't feel qualified to be a relationship counselor (and plenty of others have expressed their opinions already), but it's one of my pet peeves when people ask for relationship advice here, because it always carries the implication (to a certain degree, at least) that Japanese men/women are some sort of monolithic entity that act, express themselves, and/or perceive things in the same way.

I get it. This guy is Japanese, you're not, and I'm not saying that certain cultural attitudes/tendencies toward relationships don't exist, but at the end of the day, you're two (adult) human beings.

If you actually want to pursue a meaningful relationship with this guy, I suggest you try to make a sincere effort to try to understand him as a person rather than just as a "Japanese guy."

Going a step further, I would also say that the degree to which the relationship will be successful will depend in a large part on how able/willing he is to do you the same courtesy.

Best of luck.
 

Babycute1906

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Has he expressed an interest in actually getting to know you, or spend time with you in any meaningful way other than getting physical? Does he engage you enthusiastically or does he just claim that he's tired and evade conversation? Sounds like the latter.

I'll repeat, it doesn't seem like he's interested in a deep relationship with you. If you enjoy the physical connection, do what you like. If you want something more, he's probably not going to give it to you.
As I mentioned in my 1st post, he rarely asked questions about myself, our conversations are mostly small talk, and he doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know me. Exactly like you said, he said he was too tired after work and not in the mood to chat.
Sex aside, let's talk about girls asking guys out. If a guy is not interested, will he accept to go out on a date with a girl for several times? If a guy is not interested, will he send good morning text every day?
Last but not least, has anyone had experience with Herbivore men in Japan?
 

Babycute1906

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I didn't know there was a set of "rules" that governed all people in all relationships around the world (except Japan).

I'm not going to get into specifics here because I don't feel qualified to be a relationship counselor (and plenty of others have expressed their opinions already), but it's one of my pet peeves when people ask for relationship advice here, because it always carries the implication (to a certain degree, at least) that Japanese men/women are some sort of monolithic entity that act, express themselves, and/or perceive things in the same way.

I get it. This guy is Japanese, you're not, and I'm not saying that certain cultural attitudes/tendencies toward relationships don't exist, but at the end of the day, you're two (adult) human beings.

If you actually want to pursue a meaningful relationship with this guy, I suggest you try to make a sincere effort to try to understand him as a person rather than just as a "Japanese guy."

Going a step further, I would also say that the degree to which the relationship will be successful will depend in a large part on how able/willing he is to do you the same courtesy.

Best of luck.
There're Dating Rules between men and women. They may not apply to every relationship or everyone though. Thank you for your advice, I'll try to make effort in getting to know more about him.
 

nice gaijin

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As I mentioned in my 1st post, he rarely asked questions about myself, our conversations are mostly small talk, and he doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know me. Exactly like you said, he said he was too tired after work and not in the mood to chat.
Sex aside, let's talk about girls asking guys out. If a guy is not interested, will he accept to go out on a date with a girl for several times? If a guy is not interested, will he send good morning text every day?
Last but not least, has anyone had experience with Herbivore men in Japan?
If a guy knows he can get some action from a girl he's maybe physically attracted to but not interested in beyond that? Absolutely. Those things take zero effort, and having some kind of meaningful conversation beyond chit chat is pretty low effort too, but the fact that he's not willing to even do that should be all the sign you need.

Not all guys are like that, but this guy sounds like he is. I don't have direct experience with the whole "herbivore" phenomena, but this just sounds like a typical tinder hookup getting dragged out way too long.
 

Babycute1906

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If a guy knows he can get some action from a girl he's maybe physically attracted to but not interested in beyond that? Absolutely. Those things take zero effort, and having some kind of meaningful conversation beyond chit chat is pretty low effort too, but the fact that he's not willing to even do that should be all the sign you need.

Not all guys are like that, but this guy sounds like he is. I don't have direct experience with the whole "herbivore" phenomena, but this just sounds like a typical tinder hookup getting dragged out way too long.
You're right. I must be delusive to give him enough excuses to believe that he's interested in me. If he really did, this topic wouldn't even be existed. Thanks
 

nice gaijin

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Just know what you're getting into when you use hook-up apps. A majority of the guys on tinder are not there looking for a real relationships. If that's what you're looking for, you should reconsider your approach. And get to know someone before it gets physical, to give the relationship a chance to develop (or give you an opportunity to see the red flags and avoid them if possible)..
 
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