Foreign girl struggling to find dates in Japan

[habahiroi]

I'm a british girl with intermidiate japanese skills studying at university in tokyo. when i first came here, i was happy just to make lots of friends and enjoy life, but as i have been here a little while, i'm starting to get a little lonely.
I find it really hard to talk to guys and have had no or little male attention. without meaning to sound arrogant, i'd like to reinforce the point that back home in the UK, i had a moderate amount of interest from guys on a weekly basis, and i don't think i'd regard myself as bad looking. however, being here in japan i'm gradually beginning to feel unnattractive and hopeless with men, and compared to the carefree, charismatic person i was before on the dating scene, this is quite a drastic change.
i'm not loud or agressive in any way and am often told by my japanese girlfriends that i am really intune to japanese customs and come off as a very sweet person. sure, i might be a bit shy, but from what i gathered before, japanese guys like non-assertive girls. on the one or two occasions that i've tried to be pro-active in chasing guys (not crazy overboard, but things like texting them first, talking to them upfront or suggesting to meet up) instead of just playing the 'shy, reserved flirt' card, i've been rejected or recieved little or no interest in return.
basically, i don't understand what i'm doing wrong. do many foreign women recieve this kind of treatment in japan or is it just me? is there any way to combat it or any specific things that japanese guys like and don't like?

 

[FrustratedDave]

..............................................

 

[BruceC]

hi habahiroi,

I have no idea what the problem is. I've never lived in Japan so I don't really know how things are. But in general I would say if guys are not going after you, then maybe you should try to be more forward. I don't mean of course being aggressive, but I'm sure if you ask some guys to go out on a simple lunch date or something, they'll be more than happy to do so. Actually now that I think about it, I thought that Japanese men like white women. Just assuming that you're white, sorry if that's wrong. My father is half Japanese and my mother is of English decent, so whatever that means. Sorry I couldn't help more, just thought I'd try because I don't see anyone else helping.

 

[Grandpa Frank]

Worked for me , you might try it.

I picked a bar/dance hall I liked and basically lived there when not sleeping or at work. I slowly made friends with most of the staff that worked there. Then worked at getting to know the other people who were always there. It took about 3 months and I had more friends then I knew what to do with(girls included). I eventually got hired there to be a bouncer. It also helped a great deal with my Japanese learning , being surounded by Japanese all the time.

Uncle Frank

:?

 

[Mike Cash]

just thought I'd try because I don't see anyone else helping.

We recently had a somewhat similar thread that didn't go so well and I imagine we're not that eager to repeat it so soon.

 

[zoomingjapan]

I'm surprised that you even struggle in Tokyo - where foreigners are a more common sight.
I've been in Japan for about 5 years now. I've never lived in a big city, always just the countryside with almost no other foreigners around.
I did get the "OMG!!! You are so beautiful! Are you a model??" - squealing all the time.
I really don't like it, because I know they only say it because I'm foreign.
I've been single ever since I moved to Japan.
It is a bit frustrating as you see all the men are getting Japanese girls all the time - no matter how ugly those dudes are ... but foreign women?
I know a few Western women who have Japanese boyfriends or are even married, but it is the exception to the rule ...
And all of them live in big cities! It's even rarer in the boonies.

I don't feel lonely. I wouldn't have time for a boyfriend anyways. I enjoy traveling and meeting new people every single time I do!
It is a bit sad that we don't get any attention other than the typical "gaijin staring", though. And yes, you start to feel unattractive, but I don't care so much.
Most Japanese men my age are already married and have kids anyways (I'm over 30...)

 

[42kyokai]

I'm a british girl with intermidiate japanese skills studying at university in tokyo. when i first came here, i was happy just to make lots of friends and enjoy life, but as i have been here a little while, i'm starting to get a little lonely.
I find it really hard to talk to guys and have had no or little male attention. without meaning to sound arrogant, i'd like to reinforce the point that back home in the UK, i had a moderate amount of interest from guys on a weekly basis, and i don't think i'd regard myself as bad looking. however, being here in japan i'm gradually beginning to feel unnattractive and hopeless with men, and compared to the carefree, charismatic person i was before on the dating scene, this is quite a drastic change.
i'm not loud or agressive in any way and am often told by my japanese girlfriends that i am really intune to japanese customs and come off as a very sweet person. sure, i might be a bit shy, but from what i gathered before, japanese guys like non-assertive girls. on the one or two occasions that i've tried to be pro-active in chasing guys (not crazy overboard, but things like texting them first, talking to them upfront or suggesting to meet up) instead of just playing the 'shy, reserved flirt' card, i've been rejected or recieved little or no interest in return.
basically, i don't understand what i'm doing wrong. do many foreign women recieve this kind of treatment in japan or is it just me? is there any way to combat it or any specific things that japanese guys like and don't like?

May I first ask, what exactly is your interest in Japanese men?
When I studied in Japan about a year ago, there were typically two sorts of reactions that came about when one of us exchange students (especially of American of European background) would get a Japanese boyfriend/girlfriend. If one of the guys got a Japanese girlfriend, it would be "right on!" and chest bumps all around. But if one of the white girls came into the lounge and said "Oh, I got a Japanese boyfriend " Everyone would be perplexed and say things like "wait...why would you want that?" Apparently the perception of Japanese men in the media hasn't been too positive as of late.

 

[zoomingjapan]

But if one of the white girls came into the lounge and said "Oh, I got a Japanese boyfriend " Everyone would be perplexed and say things like "wait...why would you want that?" Apparently the perception of Japanese men in the media hasn't been too positive as of late.

Yeah, Japanese females kept asking me if a Japanese man would be ok as a boyfriend for me and then were surprised when I said yes.
I wonder why they think that foreign (non-Asian) girls might not be interested in Asian guys?!

 

[42kyokai]

This might give you an idea why.

(Third link might be nsfw)

Japan panics about the rise of "herbivores"—young men who shun sex, don't spend money, and like taking walks. - Slate Magazine
Japan's Generation XX - Asia - World - The Independent
Third of Young Japanese Men ﾂ"Hate Sexﾂ" | Sankaku Complex

Granted, this is not a representation of all Japanese males, but rather goes into detail about a social phenomenon among a section of the male population,which has gained increasing coverage in the Japanese media and has shaped many Japanese women's perceptions about Japanese men.

 

[Rinoue]

I'm a bit late to the game here, but maybe I can help a bit, at least to explain a couple of reasons that possibly could be why.
I asked my relatives and friends this (I'm a japanese guy btw, not that that's anything special, just saying).

What some of the guys I asked said were "I'm interested, but why start a relationship when most of them return to their home country? I'm not really interested in living abroad if we decide to continue the relationship" which makes sense to me.

Another one I heard was "Some of those women are intimidating, I feel like they'll just laugh at me and be like "lol go out with you?...yeah no..". which sounds more like a personal problem with his particular confidence, which is hindering anything from blooming.

Here's another "not sure about others but for me I don't want the headache of constant miscommunications because of cultural difference and what not, I just want a women where I don't have to worry about that and just have a normal relationship."

So varying reasons, and I'm sure this isn't all of them, just the ones I heard.

 

[gaijingig]

Intersting post.... I know that being in a big city can be a lonely place even though there are people everywhere... funny thing i've been here a month and have not had a date either.... I have met lots of people here though and will take back to NY many Memories...

 

[japanat]

A lot of Western women have the same complaint. A lot of J guys don't want the hassle of an int'l relationship, others may be intimidated by the stereotype of dominant Western ladies. Some of the guys like more petite ladies.

But I've also known several ladies who had to beat them off with a stick, so to speak, and several of my friends have Western wives.

---------- Post added at 03:15 ---------- Previous post was at 03:11 ----------

 

[Kenjikun]

Im available.