Traveling, and leaving your partner behind...wrong?

[Souske]

well, I am in a slight situation I do not want to be in, but also want to do what I wanna do while I am young. My case is that in 2009 or 2011 I am going to travel to japan, and I have mentioned this to my girlfriend, and had asked her to come with me, since it would be fun and an experience to go through, traveling abroad by yourselves. But the case is that she does not want to go with me, even offered to pay plane tickets, all she had to do was show up, me and her have been dating for roughly 5 years. I told her, that if she would not go, that I would go anyways (not threating her to go) and travel by myself.

When I had told her, she got frustrated and telling me, the "what if" statements, and I am an honest man, but yet she keeps telling me those questions, seems like she wants me to stay in the states for a while, and I lived in the states for 16 years, 2 of my years were living in the philippines, although 16 years is a long time, I decided that I would treat myself for all the hard work I went through to get to college, by traveling to the place I wanted to go to. I told her that exact statement to her, but yet she is persistent on wanting me to stay.

I was wondering if it is ok, for me on that year I've set to leave, to just pack my things and go and not to worry about having some guilt?

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

Does your girlfriend have any reasons in particular for not wanting to go to Japan? How long are you planning on visiting Japan for ?

 

[Souske]

My girlfriend did want to go to japan, but she has such a close relationship with her mom, that she is afraid to leave the country, and that education worries her, even if its over the summer.

Well, if she had decided to go with me, I would've stayed there for 1 month, but since, I had extra money that I would stay for 2 months, and to site see and to experience being out on my own.

 

[JimmySeal]

My girlfriend did want to go to japan, but she has such a close relationship with her mom, that she is afraid to leave the country, and that education worries her, even if its over the summer.

Well, if she had decided to go with me, I would've stayed there for 1 month, but since, I had extra money that I would stay for 2 months, and to site see and to experience being out on my own.

There are all manner of things not right about this situation.
I imagine your girlfriend is about your age, 18, and I would think at that age she would be willing to be away her mother for a month or two. 18-year-olds all across America start college at large distances from their parents.

But if your girlfriend is dead-set against going to Japan, you two have been in a relationship for 5 years and she should be able to go without seeing you for a month or two. She should also be secure enough in your relationship to trust you travelling to a foreign country for that length of time.
There's nothing wrong with you vacationing Japan with or without her, but it seems like the two of you have a lot of talking to do. I wouldn't suggest you just pack your bags and head off without resolving this issue.

 

[Kinsao]

I don't think there's anything wrong with travelling to Japan for a 1 or 2 months vacation without your girlfriend. (Unless there are trust issues involved, but assuming all is fine on that front as that's a different issue.)

I think the 'problem' here is to do with your girlfriend's fear of leaving the country and desire to stick so close to her mom (is there some known reason for that, e.g. health issues?). The thing that is stopping her going with you is not a relationship problem between you (i.e. her not wanting to be with you) but another, external factor, which still needs to be dealt with at some point.

My partner travels for work and the maximum he will have to be away is two weeks; I miss him ridiculously much when he is away and we do travel together when possible but we can't always afford to both go! As long as you are fine in trust there is no problem with the separation (some couples even like to spend time apart for a 'short' time like 1 or 2 weeks, but that's another issue!)

 

[El P8s]

Well my personal opinion would be you've been dating fof 5 years it's time for a change your the same age as me your young you should enjoy having this amount of freedom.
And if you go to Japan you will see other attractive women/girls and maybe you meet someone who's just down your street....
And why should you feel guilty?
Brake up with her for the time your in Japan have fun,make new experiences and just take it easy.
You seem to have a pretty conservative idea of being moral but people our age really should try out as much as possible.
But maybe I'm just a bad person ,who doesn't really care taking into consideration my longest relationship was 2 months.

 

[Skullcrushergurl]

I'm in the same situation except for now my boyfriend is okay with it. We're going to colleges about an hour from each other and I'm going to study abroad in Japan but we've only been together 2 years. Just yesterday we were watching a movie and someone mentioned getting citizenship in Japan and I said "I am". He sort of looked at me with a sad look that broke my heart but I always told him that I'm never giving up my dreams. If he really loves me he can come along or he'll wait for me. Girls and guys come and go but you have to go for your dreams and never give them up for anyone. Especially if you offered to pay for the plane tickets!! Do whats right for you.

 

[Haruspex]

Young people shouldn't be satisfied just by watching each other and feeling so damn nice about it.
You got the opportunity to do as your heart wishes? Bloody hell, do as you wish, you'll have enough time to "chat by the fireplace" when you're an 80 yo geezer, now is not the time.

 

[JimmySeal]

Just yesterday we were watching a movie and someone mentioned getting citizenship in Japan and I said "I am"...If he really loves me he can come along or he'll wait for me.

You do understand what the word "citizenship" means, right?

 

[Haruspex]

She probably meant visa.

 

[El P8s]

The main problem in my opinion is phony moral of being loyal to your partner all life long bla bla bla....
For god sake if your young you should enjoy yourself it´s not immoral to have a high throughput of partners nor is it immoral to brake up with someone because you can´t reconcile both of your wishes and ideas of relationship.
Hedonism up to the age of 35 is absolutly ok

 

[Oren]

Good for You. . .

The main problem in my opinion is phony moral of being loyal to your partner all life long bla bla bla....
For god sake if your young you should enjoy yourself it´s not immoral to have a high throughput of partners nor is it immoral to brake up with someone because you can´t reconcile both of your wishes and ideas of relationship.
Hedonism up to the age of 35 is absolutly ok

I. . . have . . . been. . . waiting for someone with such insight to bring this particular faux pois up, man! GOOD JOB!! So there is, at least, one other person who feels that his lifes' work with women is as much worth as garbage is, huh!?! I am Soooo excited!! When people like us talk about relationships and giving a s**t, we are just reciting what we've heard from other people. Oh, I getcha, dude. Really--WOW. (Wait--Here's the Genius part)Yeah!, Have fun until you can't have fun anymore, then your fun years are gone and your "one" is also gone AND you'r too old to attract another one. Maan, that sounds like a winning plan to me! Tell us some other ways to grow old and lonely and be the guy at the end of the bar talking to the sailor who is asking you the same question that you've had the opportunity to answer today. That's rich. My friends say I am something serious, until I get drunk, and even then I understand women.

 

[Oren]

What--The-- F--k!?! R U talkin about!!!? Bru MAne.?

I don't think there's anything wrong with travelling to Japan for a 1 or 2 months vacation without your girlfriend. (Unless there are trust issues involved, but assuming all is fine on that front as that's a different issue.)
I think the 'problem' here is to do with your girlfriend's fear of leaving the country and desire to stick so close to her mom (is there some known reason for that, e.g. health issues?). The thing that is stopping her going with you is not a relationship problem between you (i.e. her not wanting to be with you) but another, external factor, which still needs to be dealt with at some point.
My partner travels for work and the maximum he will have to be away is two weeks; I miss him ridiculously much when he is away and we do travel together when possible but we can't always afford to both go! As long as you are fine in trust there is no problem with the separation (some couples even like to spend time apart for a 'short' time like 1 or 2 weeks, but that's another issue!)

WHAT JUNK!!!? AT least I thought it was. Why? because you A. . . s. . . k. . . e. . . d her to come with you to Nipon--didn't you?; or do I not read so good sometimes.
I believe this, about it, . . . have her trust in what you must do as a contributor to this urbanized-society, and give her more massages than she's used to; so that--you can come home when you need to and when you want to--always on great terms. Keep those love strings tight!!
If you Love her, that is what you must do. Leave her alone, This is what you must do. If following your Dreams "vs." her Wishes is a problem, then make the decision, Man. She will be happier when you come back to her after all that you have to do. Women are never satisfied, Bro. . . Massage her good and travel a bit. Make sense?

Sincerely,

*O*
Oren

 

[Haruspex]

I don't necessarily agree with the hedonism part, but people ought to have some egoism. I mean, come on, only you're to blame if you turn your life into some crappy soap, all this "epicurean lovers" rubbish.
She's not on life support, she's not pregnant, she's not starving, she's not being taken to the army, she's not in jail, she's not...
So why the hell are you hesitating for?
From what I have read, this sounds like a b category drama.
Dreams before anything and everything as long as it does no harm, and I can't see where would it do any harm.

 

[El P8s]

I. . . have . . . been. . . waiting for someone with such insight to bring this particular faux pois up, man! GOOD JOB!! So there is, at least, one other person who feels that his lifes' work with women is as much worth as garbage is, huh!?! I am Soooo excited!! When people like us talk about relationships and giving a s**t, we are just reciting what we've heard from other people. Oh, I getcha, dude. Really--WOW. (Wait--Here's the Genius part)Yeah!, Have fun until you can't have fun anymore, then your fun years are gone and your "one" is also gone AND you'r too old to attract another one. Maan, that sounds like a winning plan to me! Tell us some other ways to grow old and lonely and be the guy at the end of the bar talking to the sailor who is asking you the same question that you've had the opportunity to answer today. That's rich. My friends say I am something serious, until I get drunk, and even then I understand women.

Let me guess your American,protestant and mummy and daddy never had a row =)
The chances of marrying your youth or even childhood love are lim->0
If you would be so kind to take off your rose-tinted glasses you would see ,that most relationships early in life have only the purpouse to find out what it is you want to gain from a relationship and of course fun is a big part too.
But I´m sorry if I´m being unsensitive but I left away the topic of premarital sex altogether as not to shock you too much.
The life you are talking about may have worked ok up into the 50s but the main reason for divorces today is that many people believe in this huge big lie of waiting for the right person etc. their expectations skyrocket because they can´t compare their partner to anyone else.
So why not have fun and try out as much as possible ,when you still have the chance to?
Because it´s immoral?
Who has the authority to tell what´s moral and what´s not your parents?your teacher?your boss?your religion?god (if he exists)?
Well your opinion will also be influenced you can basically choose who you want to be influenced more by.
But then again what do I know I´m to stupid to see the big plan you seem to see absolutly bright and clear.
Be happy with the path of life you choose but don´t think your better than anyone else because trust me you are most definetly not, your worth just as much as me no matter how much you detest that fact.....

 

[Haruspex]

Because it´s immoral?
Who has the authority to tell what´s moral and what´s not your parents?your teacher?your boss?your religion?god (if he exists)?

Not because its immoral, but because its tiresome, time-requiring and there are loads of other things that are way more interesting.

 

[El P8s]

Not because its immoral, but because its tiresome, time-requiring and there are loads of other things that are way more interesting.

Than making new experiences?

 

[Haruspex]

Than making new experiences?

Well, to be honest, I have little interest in women, and none in men, so I can't think of a life in which I keep chasing women day and night.
BUT, I can think of one full of exotic food, traveling, anime, metal, manga etc.
Lets face it, im a nerd.

 

[El P8s]

Well, to be honest, I have little interest in women, and none in men, so I can't think of a life in which I keep chasing women day and night.
BUT, I can think of one full of exotic food, traveling, anime, metal, manga etc.
Lets face it, im a nerd.

Well I never said that he should run after the next best women ,that crosses his way unless he feels like doing so but in generall if you see someone you like why not ask them out?
But of course there are many things apart from women I never said this wasn't so.

 

[Goldiegirl]

Travel, don't hold back on your life experiences for anyone at this moment in your life. You offered for her to go with you; it's her choice. Grow, see the world. You may end up seeing your girlfriend in a different light. My husband and I love to travel. We wouldn't be together in we both didn't like to travel. If that is important to you, you need to keep that in mind when thinking about your relationship.

 

[Mars Man]

This thread had been happily, very sound asleep. . . I kind of grimace at it's having been disturbed, but alas. . . please just do keep on topic...according to OP...PLEASE !

 

[dreamer]

Well...I do not really see why ou should feel any guilt.

Personally, I have been away from home for about five years, traveling here and there and going back home only from time to time for a few days. I remember that at first, my mother did not want me to leave and was making me call almost every week, but in time she got used to it and nearly does not feel like I am missing.

Sure, your case is different as a long distance relationship is difficult to maintain and requires commitment from the both of you, but there is a risk. On the long run, you might (un)consciously blame your girlfriend for keeping you away from your dreams and in my opinion, that would be much worse.

Now, I am not telling you to leave without doing anything since the feeling of guilt would ruin your stay in Japan. You should really have a discussion with her.
Two months is in my opinion a very short period (although it might feel really long when missing someone) and I believe a 5-year relation should be able to resist it.

I have had classmates going on the same kind of internships/exchanges as me for 6 months to 1 year without their spouse/girlfriend. Most of them did not have any particular problem since they talked about it.

If she is asking you those what-if questions, it just means in my opinion that she feels unsecure about you leaving, but nowadays with modern technology, it's so easy to keep in touch that you shouldn't even worry about it.

Well that is just my opinion on the matter...

 

[Oren]

Let me guess your American,protestant and mummy and daddy never had a row =)
The chances of marrying your youth or even childhood love are lim->0
If you would be so kind to take off your rose-tinted glasses you would see ,that most relationships early in life have only the purpouse to find out what it is you want to gain from a relationship and of course fun is a big part too.
But I´m sorry if I´m being unsensitive but I left away the topic of premarital sex altogether as not to shock you too much.
The life you are talking about may have worked ok up into the 50s but the main reason for divorces today is that many people believe in this huge big lie of waiting for the right person etc. their expectations skyrocket because they can´t compare their partner to anyone else.
So why not have fun and try out as much as possible ,when you still have the chance to?
Because it´s immoral?
Who has the authority to tell what´s moral and what´s not your parents?your teacher?your boss?your religion?god (if he exists)?
Well your opinion will also be influenced you can basically choose who you want to be influenced more by.
But then again what do I know I´m to stupid to see the big plan you seem to see absolutly bright and clear.
Be happy with the path of life you choose but don´t think your better than anyone else because trust me you are most definetly not, your worth just as much as me no matter how much you detest that fact.....

I don't know what you've been up to, but, when I go out, I expect to get something other than an STD from it.
Derfel said it best--It becomes tiresome, man. . . huh? Chasing what? Whom? Why, again?? I forget. Tiresome.
We're digressing from the point, though, I think. This guy has a nice girl, and he wants to know if leaving her for a while to go to Japan is unwise. That's the question right? Right. It's not morally wrong, or right, but is it wise to expect her to wait for you. . . I think that's the question.
The answer is this. . . If you have the spirit to go, then go. If your spirit is as wanderlusting as that, then whether or not she will be there when you get back is just a selfish ego-driven motive to stay at home. You won't be at peace wherever you are if you have a wanderlust.
If you keep in good touch with her while you're away and a mutual respect exists, then there should be no problem with you going away for a little while.
If you'd like, you could bring her over with you next time, you could show her some stuff and make another great memory. Live life, man.