Attending a Japanese wedding

[JimmySeal]

Hello everyone,

I'm set to attend a wedding in about a week and would like to hear what people think I should give. I know that it's typical to give money. A Japanese acquaintance of mine said that the typical amount is ﾂ??0,000 and up (pretty steep for my economic situation), but the same person said that since I'm American it might be acceptable for me to go Western-style and give some nice dishes or something. What do people here think? Do people ever give less than ﾂ??0,000 at weddings? I know that it has to be an odd number of bills.

Much obliged.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

I have been to my share of weddings here, and I the hotel I worked at did zillions of weddings to boot. Unfortunately, I have never been to one where anyone gave anything other than money.

Your description of basically 30,000 yen or at the very least an odd number of bills is accurate.

Of course the amount also depends on how close you are to the people getting married. If they know that your financial situation is not so great, I doubt they would mind if you gave them say 10,000 yen.

And even if you should choose to give them something other than money, make sure to bring the special wedding envelope anyway, and put a message inside explaining your gift or something, because you will be expected to give them one at the wedding registration. If you don't produce an envelope, expect a very cold response from the people behind the table!

 

[Ewok85]

The wedding I went to made it easy by making us "pay" to get in, was only about 9000 a head from memory, and a good deal for a meal, entertainment and lots of drinks.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Are you sure that wasn't the nijikai? That's a different beast entirely!

 

[KirinMan]

The wedding I went to made it easy by making us "pay" to get in, was only about 9000 a head from memory, and a good deal for a meal, entertainment and lots of drinks.

Have to agree with Mikawa-san on this one, I've been to countless weddings here and there was never a "charge" to get in. The "nijikai" can sometimes be a back breaker, I went to a nijikai at a friends wedding and we ended up paying over 300,000 yen for an "evening" of karaoke.


The only thing I would add as to the amount to give is depending on the location of the wedding, as in inaka or in a city the amount people give varies greatly.

Here in Okinawa I personally know of some people that give 5,000 yen, many times elderly relatives on fixed incomes can not afford even that, or for aquaintances. And on the high end as much as 30,000 or more for relatives, and or close friends.

 

[Ewok85]

Are you sure that wasn't the nijikai? That's a different beast entirely!

Nope, the couple didn't want a "wedding", just a hell of a party so everyone can have fun and celebrate - but everyone still called it the "wedding". Pretty much what I want too.

 

[JimmySeal]

Thanks for your replies, everyone. The newlyweds aren't close friends of mine. They're coworkers. Though I've never exchanged more than 10 sentences with either of them, I have seen them almost every work day for the last two years (we have a staff of 18 people), so I'm on the fence about what to give.

 

[undrentide]

Here is a list of the "average" amount of money to be presented as a wedding gift, just for your information.
冠婚葬祭「相場・金額」贈り物/結婚祝い/結婚式の費用/目安/お見舞い/餞別

 

[GaijinPunch]

That's wedding money right? What about Nijikai-only money? I'm assuming a crisp 10,000 yen note would fly. Wow, just now realizing I've never been to a wedding here. Guess all my friends have avoided responsibility.

 

[JimmySeal]

I'm starting to get the picture. So it seems that in Japan, guests pay the expenses of attending the wedding, and then some. A restauranteur I know recently used the term ﾅ停?ｹﾂ債･ﾂ債ｼ窶ｹ\ to refer to some friends of his who divorced a mere 4 months after marrying, making off with all the gift money.

 

[epigene]

It depends on where and how the wedding reception is held.
The average 30,000 yen money gift is used to finance the banquest hall, full-course dinner and other expenses for the wedding. The newlyweds usually don't get to save any money from what they get, especially because it is normal practice for the couple to give a pretty high-priced commemorative gift to each invited guest, even to important ones who fail to show up. Those who hold cheap weddings get away with saving but at the expense of family ties and friendships--usually causes a furor between the two families and making people leave the reception in disgust...

The style Ewok mentioned is the modern style that is fairly acceptance to young Japanese and to Westerners, because you chip in only for the food you eat at the reception. Many people are choosing to do this, cutting down the number of guests to be invited to only close relations and friends. However, it is not acceptable for many conservative parents. (Disclaimer: Not me!! )

As Mikawa-san suggests, Jimmy has the "gaijin card" privilege of not claiming to know Japanese practices and opt for a gift in kind (such as a small household appliance).
I seriously think you should be using it now!! (I would if I could... )

 

[GaijinPunch]

My wife didn't factor in shipping of gifts back to the inaka w/ our wedding money. I think we netted about 2000 yen when it was all said and done.

 

[Ewok85]

especially because it is normal practice for the couple to give a pretty high-priced commemorative gift to each invited guest, even to important ones who fail to show up.

Or turn up in rumpled jeans and boots, unshaved and unwashed I assume thats why I had a delivery slip in my mailbox last night from the guy whose wedding I attended a few weeks ago.

Give what you can, what you feel is right. If its someone I knew well I would give 30,000, but if its someone who you really don't know, then give what you can, 10,000 being fine IMO.

 

[mr.sumo.snr]

I'm still not clear if you're attending the hiroen or nijikai or are expected to go to both.

Nijikai are fun if you're with a group of friends, otherwise it's just a countdown until the bingo starts. And unlike wedding parties in the UK your changes of 'getting lucky' at a Japanese event are slim to zero.

{off-topic} Back in the 80s and early 90s I lost track of the number of friends and co-workers who met their future spouse at a wedding. And before the days of friendsreunited.co.uk wedding parties were also potential minefields for married couples. I find it amusing that a site dedicated to re-uniting long lost friends could have 'ignited' so many divorces.
Divorce rate surges as friends are reunited

I've heard similar tales in Japan about Parent-Teacher Association events reuniting 'long-lost' JH/HS friends.

--

 

[JimmySeal]

I'm still not clear if you're attending the hiroen or nijikai or are expected to go to both.

According to the invitation, the event involves a ﾆ鱈ﾆ椎?ﾆ湛ﾆ暖窶ｹﾂｳﾅｽﾂｮ, followed by a Hiroen at noon.

 

[mr.sumo.snr]

I think I'd go for 10,000 if things are tight, but you stated 'co-workers' so if that means you work with both of them then I think I'd err towards 20,000 (1x10000 & 2x5000) - make sure you get the notes from the bank and tell them they're for a wedding gift. Then pick out a half decent envelope.


--

 

[JimmySeal]

I think I'd go for 10,000 if things are tight, but you stated 'co-workers' so if that means you work with both of them then I think I'd err towards 20,000 (1x10000 & 2x5000) - make sure you get the notes from the bank and tell them they're for a wedding gift. Then pick out a half decent envelope.
--

Woah, I was confused when the page undrentide posted said that 20,000 was acceptible, but when you break it down like that, it makes more sense.

Thanks for the advice.

 

[made of stone]

An interesting thread, please let us know how you get on JimmySeal!

I only attended one formal Japanese wedding in my time there. Luckily, I knew the bride's family very well, and they are lovely people. Thinking the money thing might be awkward for me (though of course I would've been more than happy to follow the custom) they insisted that I give a gift, Western-style. One English antique later, everyone seemed happy

 

[NekoMama7]

I just attended my sister's wedding in Tokyo in February. It was a small ceremony and reception, but nonetheless, I had to look up this and that.
I think 10,000 yen for your colleague is just about right. As you have a business relationship, it may not be appropriate to go below 10,000 yen. 30,000+ yen is more for a family member or someone very close. Just make sure that you stick with an odd-number (10K, 30K, 50K) for the wedding. Even numbers can be split. Not a good omen.
Don't forget to buy an appropriate money envelope or noshi bukuro at your local office supply/stationery store. Ask the store which envelope is appropriate for a wedding gift of 10,000 yen. Also ask how to write your name on the face of the envelope as well as inside. You'll need a fude-pen.
I have a feeling that your co-worker invited pretty much everyone in your department. I hope you'll be seated with folks you know very well. You'll likely to receive a goody bag or hikide mono. You'll probably get the most out of your 10,000 yen with the food, drinks and goody bag. At the reception, you may get to network with other folks in your department that you don't usually hang out. You'll definitely get to know a lot about your co-worker who invited you to the wedding. Enjoy the day!

 

[KirinMan]

According to the invitation, the event involves a ﾆ鱈ﾆ椎?ﾆ湛ﾆ暖窶ｹﾂｳﾅｽﾂｮ, followed by a Hiroen at noon.

They are both in the same place right? It is popular among many Japanese couples to have their marriage ceremony in a chapel and not the "traditional" way. They like the atmosphere of the "church" wedding, and many times the ceremony is performed by a "rental-minister". From what I have heard many times the "minister" is just some guy hired to play the part.

In fact many wedding halls as well as hotels have chapels built on their grounds so couples can have the "church wedding" experience. Some couples even do both, the traditional Japanese wedding and church wedding as well. It all depends on how much money they want to spend.

Oh and like neko wrote remember to purchase the correct envelope for the amount of money that you are going to include, many 100 yen shops have them as well, and on the back is the amount of money to include when purchasing that particular type of envelope. They got a lot fancier as the amount increases.

I would go with the 10,000 as well.

 

[JimmySeal]

From what I have heard many times the "minister" is just some guy hired to play the part.

Yeah, just a white guy, I know. I have friends who have served as celebrants at Japanese weddings

At the end of the work day yesterday, the English teacher with whom I work pulled me aside and asked me if I know about Japanese wedding customs. I asked what's a good amount to give and she said 30,000 so it looks like it's gonna be hard to get off the hook with anything less than that, but I'll do some more thinking about it.

I still appreciate everyone's replies. This has been very interesting. It seems that marrying couples net zero expenses for their weddings, in contrast to America, where families pay small fortunes for their weddings, and don't get it back in cash form.

 

[epigene]

Jimmy,

I still think 1 or 2 man that others suggested is valid. However, there are regions in Japan where there is unwritten rule on what the minimum for wedding money gift should be, so there might be such a rule where you live? At least, in Tokyo area, 1 or 2 man is very acceptable.

Although it appears that people recover expenses from money gifts, whether couples can manage that depends on the family. It is very common for the parents to cover wedding expenses, and the newlywed couple use the money gifts for their honeymoon trip--where they will have to buy lots of gifts for friends and relations who attended. Also, any extra money will most likely be spent on their new home.

So, young people, especially women, save money for their eventual weddings (even when they don't have any prospective partners), and couples generally run losses...

 

[KirinMan]

Yeah, just a white guy, I know. I have friends who have served as celebrants at Japanese weddings

At the end of the work day yesterday, the English teacher with whom I work pulled me aside and asked me if I know about Japanese wedding customs. I asked what's a good amount to give and she said 30,000 so it looks like it's gonna be hard to get off the hook with anything less than that, but I'll do some more thinking about it.

I still appreciate everyone's replies. This has been very interesting. It seems that marrying couples net zero expenses for their weddings, in contrast to America, where families pay small fortunes for their weddings, and don't get it back in cash form.

One it's not like the teacher is going to "know" how much you put into the envelope. She asked, you asked, she answered, unless you give her the cash to put into the envelope in the first place, dont say anything. If she asks you again how much you put in she is being too nosey.

If you are in a tight spot and don't want to put that much money into it you could always find a reasonable excuse and graciously bow out of going to the wedding in the first place.


I have to go to a wedding on the 31st for a co-worker, he and I occasionally talk but our interests are not even close to being the same. There is no way I am going to give 30,000 to him as a gift, and I am sure he doesnt "expect" it either. He (They) are going to get 10,000 in an envelope as a gift, that's it. I am not being a cheapskate either, his "classmates" from JHS/HS University, close friends, yeah they will give that much and a few others, but everyone else I am going to the wedding with, oh and they are all Japanese, I'll be the "token" foreigner........ , they are only giving 10,000 as well.

Don't sweat it, go and enjoy the experience have some good food, drink a few beers and have fun.

Jimmy,
I still think 1 or 2 man that others suggested is valid. However, there are regions in Japan where there is unwritten rule on what the minimum for wedding money gift should be, so there might be such a rule where you live? At least, in Tokyo area, 1 or 2 man is very acceptable.

Sounds like good advice here.

Sometimes I would just love a have a talk with the "people" that make up these "unwritten" rules. :box: :angryfire

 

[ArmandV]

Interesting thread. I've never been to a Japanese wedding, so this is all new to me.

Looks like a gift of $20.00 and a blender wouldn't cut it. ;-)

Maybe they ought to have money dances at the reception (or do they?).

 

[Davey]

Money is the best thing, 20.000 for friends and for closer persons such as family or best friends would be 30.000.

I am having my own wedding in the weekend, which is a Dutch-Japanese wedding. I am to busy to post on here to be honest haha.