It seems like the Japanese (from my own observations,) have all sorts of traditions, spirtual farewells, the whole incense in the altar that is inside of the house and I've even (which is really not uncommon) seen Japanese families will put rice and tea (or sake) offerings at the altars inside of their house.
You know, in America, ok, death, sad, wake, whos next? But in Japan it seems like life does not stop after death.
I had the chance of going to a Japanese hospital for the first time in December 2004, my Japanese girlfriend at the time's grandfather had fallen down the stairs in her mansion (I'm not kidding, her family's house must've costed millions of dollars,) and it was a weird experience because everyone in the hospital seemed to care about it's patients where as when I've been in American hospitals it seemed like everyone just cared about the 1st of the month and how big their paycheck was going to be. Japanese people are generally caring, even if someone only has a few short days to live. When we were able to see her grandfather, her (my Japanese girlfriend at the time's) Tokyo-based family and relatives were all at his side. He (her grandfather) smiled at the sight of me, the family asked if I would like to tell him anything and I did, I spent about 5 minutes telling him in English (which he couldn't understand,) countless words of kindness, encouragement and care. He thanked me greatly in Japanese, really, with all his heart and I felt like just being there for the people you care about and to tell them you really care (cause this whole hospital visit was cutting into my drinking time, you know, I was there because I wanted to show my support,) , just letting people know you care and you really do care is worth more than any arrangement of flowers, card with a note or any material object.
People, as humans, just want to know that others care, we all want love, friendships and emotional support from each other but sadly, just like the difference between the Japanese hospital and the American hospital, we sometimes think money/flowers/gifts are a cure all but it's more than that.
What really matters is if you really feel your friend's loss and let her know that, instead of writing on JREF "what should I get her?" more or less, you should tell her, "I feel for you, so much so that I didn't know what to buy you, if there is anything I could do, please let me know, because I care and I want to be there for you, my friend."
Josh
