Question Did I mess up with this girl?

[Hudts]

As the title says.
This girl and I (same age) have been on three dates so far and all three have been really fun. Recently though, there have been some lapses in communication timings. Something like a day or two before answering a question, I understand that she may be busy. On the last date we went to a movie together and I wanted to confess to her, but couldn't find the timing and also was really nervous. After the date I messaged her and she said she had a really good time and was happy that I went to go see her. Did I blow my chance with this girl or am I just overthinking this?

 

[mdchachi]

As the title says.
This girl and I (same age) have been on three dates so far and all three have been really fun. Recently though, there have been some lapses in communication timings. Something like a day or two before answering a question, I understand that she may be busy. On the last date we went to a movie together and I wanted to confess to her, but couldn't find the timing and also was really nervous. After the date I messaged her and she said she had a really good time and was happy that I went to go see her. Did I blow my chance with this girl or am I just overthinking this?

You're overthinking it. She might not be as into to you as you are into her but that doesn't mean she's not interested.
She's Japanese and in the U.S.? Is she an exchange student?

 

[Achilles 1-1]

Is it the same girl you were earlier telling us about?

 

[Hudts]

Is it the same girl you were earlier telling us about?

No this is a different one.

 

[Hudts]

You're overthinking it. She might not be as into to you as you are into her but that doesn't mean she's not interested.
She's Japanese and in the U.S.? Is she an exchange student?

No I'm in Japan for exchange.

 

[Ukigumo]

Up to two days to respond to a text? Not even a thumbs up emoji? Nobody is that busy. Even the president of the USA tweets every single second of every day, all the time blah, blah blah…It sounds like someone might've told her to not appear too keen…a bit of game play and that would put me off completely because forging a relationship is hard enough without that.

Shave your head, join a Zen monastery and live a life of celibacy; it'll be a much easier existence.

 

[Achilles 1-1]

No this is a different one.

So the other girl didn't work out. Story of my life.

Anyways, I wouldn't sweat it too much. As for confessing, the kokuhaku is valued in Japanese culture, but the guy doesnt have to do it. If you're super nervous, you could wait for her to do it (you would look weak here in America but hey, its Japan, and accepted there.) I think give it a few more dates, really get to know her. I feel like three dates to confess is a little bit too soon. Just be patient. I noticed with the other girl you may have rushed things (not that I know anything about relationships), don't do that again. Learn from your past mistakes. Read in between the lines of what she's saying, try to understand where she is emotionally. And whatever you do… don't give up. She might just be playing hard to get. That said, don't look desperate. Girls don't want a desperate guy.


Also, may I ask what happened with the other one? I thought for sure you would get it.

 

[Buntaro]

Hudts,

I do not think you should shave your head and become a monk.

The problem is that you are needy. You should take care of your neediness before you start dating someone.

 

[Ukigumo]

Hudts,

I do not think you should shave your head and become a monk.

The problem is that you are needy. You should take care of your neediness before you start dating someone.

40 years of shave-headed zazen will correct anyone's neediness. The Buddha was really cloying towards his wife Princess Yasodhara, so much so that he had to leave his palace and lead a life of asceticism and, inadvertently, discovered a way of salvation. I think the OP might find something in this route too.

 

[Buntaro]

40 years of shave-headed zazen will correct anyone's neediness. The Buddha was really cloying towards his wife Princess Yasodhara, so much so that he had to leave his palace and lead a life of asceticism and, inadvertently, discovered a way of salvation. I think the OP might find something in this route too.

Ukigumo,

I have years of experience dealing with hundreds of cases of neediness, and zazen was not what most of them needed. But I see your point of view.

There is a form of psychotherapy that originated in Japan. (I think it is called the Moriyama Method.) It might be something that works for people who think similarly to you.

Is zazen the number one indicated strategy for neediness? I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this.

 

[Ukigumo]

(I am joking)

 

[Buntaro]

Neediness is a serious problem affecting millions of people.

 

[Grandpa Frank]

My first year of dating in Japan I found "some" Japanese girls dated gaijins for different reasons. A few just wanted someone to practice English with. Some had never had contact with a gaijin and were just curious what dating one would be like. Lucky me , LOL ; some just wanted sex with a gaijin. They all seemed to fade away when their interest waned. Maybe my opinion is faded from 54 years ago memories.

 

[Achilles 1-1]

My first year of dating in Japan I found "some" Japanese girls dated gaijins for different reasons. A few just wanted someone to practice English with. Some had never had contact with a gaijin and were just curious what dating one would be like. Lucky me , LOL ; some just wanted sex with a gaijin. They all seemed to fade away when their interest waned. Maybe my opinion is faded from 54 years ago memories.View attachment 127380

You know you've lived a full life when you can openly share stories

 

[mdchachi]

My first year of dating in Japan I found "some" Japanese girls dated gaijins for different reasons. A few just wanted someone to practice English with. Some had never had contact with a gaijin and were just curious what dating one would be like. Lucky me , LOL ; some just wanted sex with a gaijin. They all seemed to fade away when their interest waned. Maybe my opinion is faded from 54 years ago memories.

These same basic patterns exist today.

 

[thomas]

These same basic patterns exist today.

I daresay the "charisma man effect" has largely faded away.

 

[Ukigumo]

I watched a 'vox pop' Youtube video the other day where the interviewer was asking young Japanese women what they were looking for in a man. Most said the usual things, tall, handsome, a well-paid, prestigious job, to protect them and attend to all their needs, good hair etc. Then the interviewer turned things around and asked what they, the interviewee, would bring to that relationship. What followed was usually silence, looking skyward, giggling or impressions of bewildered, gaping fish. I don't recall any one of these demanding young ladies mention anything of any significance and they had clearly never spent any time on introspection up to that point.

My impression of young Japanese women, often well into their 20s, is they don't even slightly attend to developing an interesting, engaging character, meaningful career development the sorts of things expected in their male counterparts, but instead attend to superficial characteristics such as their looks, weird-looking double eyelid make up, diamanté artificial nails and infantilising fashion choices etc I'm sure this trait is by no means unique to Japanese women, but isn't there supposed to be a well-established, traditional emphasis on deeper character development amongst Japanese people?

I'm so glad I'm not on the dating scene, especially in Japan!

 

[thomas]

I wouldn't solely rely on YouTube for my fieldwork. For each of these diamond-studded nail ladies, you have a multitude of very career-oriented, well-educated, sharp, and ambitious young women who know exactly what they want. The so-called influencers focus on the cohorts that guarantee them the most clicks.

 

[Lothor]

I watched a 'vox pop' Youtube video the other day where the interviewer was asking young Japanese women what they were looking for in a man. Most said the usual things, tall, handsome, a well-paid, prestigious job, to protect them and attend to all their needs, good hair etc. Then the interviewer turned things around and asked what they, the interviewee, would bring to that relationship. What followed was usually silence, looking skyward, giggling or impressions of bewildered, gaping fish. I don't recall any one of these demanding young ladies mention anything of any significance and they had clearly never spent any time on introspection up to that point.

My impression of young Japanese women, often well into their 20s, is they don't even slightly attend to developing an interesting, engaging character, meaningful career development the sorts of things expected in their male counterparts, but instead attend to superficial characteristics such as their looks, weird-looking double eyelid make up, diamanté artificial nails and infantilising fashion choices etc I'm sure this trait is by no means unique to Japanese women, but isn't there supposed to be a well-established, traditional emphasis on deeper character development amongst Japanese people?

I'm so glad I'm not on the dating scene, especially in Japan!

I sometimes go to a language conversation cafe in Tokyo for the evening and chat to Japanese people (mostly young) who want to practise their English. You'll be happy to know that I rarely encounter that type of young woman. Yes, these people who want to speak English are not representative of the Japanese population, but neither are YouTube vox pops ('But we're kawaii – isn't that enough, goddam it?!').

 

[Hudts]

So the other girl didn't work out. Story of my life.

Anyways, I wouldn't sweat it too much. As for confessing, the kokuhaku is valued in Japanese culture, but the guy doesnt have to do it. If you're super nervous, you could wait for her to do it (you would look weak here in America but hey, its Japan, and accepted there.) I think give it a few more dates, really get to know her. I feel like three dates to confess is a little bit too soon. Just be patient. I noticed with the other girl you may have rushed things (not that I know anything about relationships), don't do that again. Learn from your past mistakes. Read in between the lines of what she's saying, try to understand where she is emotionally. And whatever you do… don't give up. She might just be playing hard to get. That said, don't look desperate. Girls don't want a desperate guy.


Also, may I ask what happened with the other one? I thought for sure you would get it.

So, a little update. A while ago she said she would come to an event that I'm participating in and seemed super excited to go. But after recent events, the not messaging for days etc. She just told me that she won't be able to make it as she is feeling sick. So I think that I might have to just cut my loses on this one unfortunately.

 

[Ukigumo]

There's a very rarely heard, very comforting expression that sufferers love to hear in this situation and that seems appropriate here; it's something to do with lots of tuna fishes in a small pond or teach a person to fish and …something like that…I can't quite remember it.

Best of luck, there's a lid for even a broken pot…or is it a fish?

 

[mdchachi]

I daresay the "charisma man effect" has largely faded away.

Or perhaps you're just getting old and your aura has diminished.

So, a little update. A while ago she said she would come to an event that I'm participating in and seemed super excited to go. But after recent events, the not messaging for days etc. She just told me that she won't be able to make it as she is feeling sick. So I think that I might have to just cut my loses on this one unfortunately.

Yes it seems so.

 

[thomas]

Or perhaps you're just getting old and your aura has diminished.

The silverback appeal only works for quinquagenarians and above (and probably not even there).

 

[Buntaro]

Lothor,

Do you go to Mickey House in Ikebukuro? I also have a friend who works at an English language coffee shop in Shibuya.

 

[JT303]

I wouldn't solely rely on YouTube for my fieldwork. For each of these diamond-studded nail ladies, you have a multitude of very career-oriented, well-educated, sharp, and ambitious young women who know exactly what they want. The so-called influencers focus on the cohorts that guarantee them the most clicks.

Very true, YouTube is all about engagement, not accuracy.