need some advice
- Thread starter Knives
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Knives
後輩
- 2 Jul 2004
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- Thread starter
- #52
well heres the thing i talked to her today and she wanted to be my g/F so were actually going out and i feel she wont cheat on me i trust her... and i like her i think things are going to work out.. so she is now my girl-friend and that was very good insight you all gave me she seems very happy with me she and i am with her ill keep you all posted on how things are going 
jieshi
Japaustralian
- 5 May 2004
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i think the three of us (Brooker, satori, and me) should start a column on these forums togehter! lol! I definitely agree with satori that's exactly what i was thinking! (though I got here a bit late to say it lol) and admins reading this thread should definitely consider getting us to moderate a column about this sort of stuff. Satori, brooker what do you think?
- 10 Apr 2004
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Knives said:well heres the thing i talked to her today and she wanted to be my g/F so were actually going out and i feel she wont cheat on me i trust her... and i like her i think things are going to work out.. so she is now my girl-friend and that was very good insight you all gave me she seems very happy with me she and i am with her ill keep you all posted on how things are going
That's cool, I guess. But don't drop your guard yet. If this girl is to be trusted, figure that out with time, but don't let her in the gates just yet. She has told you fairly directly that you would unwise to trust her, and that's perhaps because she knows something about herself that you've yet to discover.
jieshi wrote...
Let's do it!
Satori wrote....
- 10 Apr 2004
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Knives
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- 2 Jul 2004
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- #59
well we wont be taking it cause she said she felt like things were moving too quickly for her and dident want to commit now... (after she said she would be my G/F) but the good news is were still gonna be good friends me and her decided that we should be friends for a bit and see if we can work as she put it anyways i must admit i am a little down but time moves on... and while we were talking i noticed somthing.. her words for her being too complicated i think thats just her excuse or escape from being commited to a relationship she keeps telling about her bad relationships so i tell her it happend in the past lets move on to the future i honestly think it woulda worked but a cant force someone to be with me she says she likes me but what am i to do all the girls i try to get with always pull this on me... i wonder what my problem is maybe im too nice i dont know but anyways heres my post and ill keep yall informed
Knives
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- 2 Jul 2004
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- #61
well for right now ive given up on trying to make her my girlfriend.. she does have some issues that only she can come to terms with shes a really good friend i still like her and she likes me but were better off for right now being good friends.. and if things get better me and her have decided thats when we will get together again i swear when we decided to be good friends we were opening up like no tomarrow there was no akwardness or anything although i am bummed out a bit but ill get back together with my self what do you all think about this plan???
what do you all think about this plan???
- 10 Apr 2004
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Sounds like you're thinking about it the right way. Try the friends thing. Sounds like being in a relationship with this girl would be a rollercoaster ride and she keeps throwing obsticles in the way of her own happiness because she's afraid of getting close to someone. There's nothing you can do or say to make her "see the light" or fix her problems. She has to fix them herself.
Knives said:well for right now ive given up on trying to make her my girlfriend.. she does have some issues that only she can come to terms with shes a really good friend i still like her and she likes me but were better off for right now being good friends.. and if things get better me and her have decided thats when we will get together again i swear when we decided to be good friends we were opening up like no tomarrow there was no akwardness or anything although i am bummed out a bit but ill get back together with my self
I think that's an excellent plan, and it's what I would have suggested. Brooker is right--there is nothing you can do to fix her problems. That is something she has to do for herself. It's very easy to want to heal somebody else, but you really can't. You can, however, be her friend. Brooker mentioned something else that's true. People who have been hurt a lot in the past and who have issues about it as she does will sometimes try to sabotage anything good in their life, out of some belief that they don't deserve it or it's too much for them. All the more reason to just remain friends for now. You two really need to get to know one another first. Frankly, under the circumstances, that's about the safest way to proceed with this girl, I think.
Knives
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- 2 Jul 2004
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- #64
hey all im here to post its weird i forgot to mention that night when we diecided to be good friends she said we can be good friends with "benefits" so im thinking this girl wants to mess around a bit but not have the setting for a commitment im thinking that this could work out really well... if shes not the G/F type we can still have fun (if ya kno what i mean ) so thats whats goin down for now, i must admit a was a little suprised when she metioned it like that but what can i say... lol well ill keep ya posted
) so thats whats goin down for now, i must admit a was a little suprised when she metioned it like that but what can i say... lol well ill keep ya posted
jieshi
Japaustralian
- 5 May 2004
- 554
- 18
having "fun" or friends with benefits can actually become quite complicated. In theory it sounds good but once it starts happening it can get really really complicated. The human physicue (i think thats how its spelt) is really good at making emotional bonds very quickly!! "fun" is also a bond between two people as well so you will share something with her for the rest of your life. And if you do have "fun" (im not trying to sound synical or rude okay lol) she may actually take it that you are proving you weren't interested in a relationship, only the benefits. Also she is kind of communicating to you that she wouldn't be very commited in a relationship (obviously) if she wants you to be a friend with benefits. Basically the theory behind all this is that it may seem fantastic at first but in the long run things could get very ugly because of emotional attachments. Also you may want to think about this: vObviously you really like this girl and care about her. but if your a friend with benefits how many more friends with benefits does she have? do you want her having "fun" with other guys? I know I wouldn't want the girl I like doing it with others because i really love her.
anway just a thought. good luck =)
anway just a thought. good luck =)
Knives
後輩
- 2 Jul 2004
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- #66
nicely put... that is true for a while ive been having to think of her as a friend instead of my girl-friend and its still kinda hard..I still dream about her... i dont want to cause it kinda makes me feel down.. ugh but what can i say your right if shes willing to have friends with "benefits" then shes not the type to have a relationship with cause i dont know how many friends with benefits she has and if we get together then she may still have those friends which would be somthing i wouldent want.. the thing is i really really really like her i may have even fallen for this girl but if shes like that then i may as well forget about her and move on.... (not saying that we wont be friends just not friends with benefits) thanks guys ill keep yall posted on stuff that happenes
- 10 Apr 2004
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Ok, this girl is shady as hell!! Run!!! She doesn't want to be emotionally attached to you, but doesn't mind fooling around, and possibly having sex?! If you're just interested in having some sex (and it doesn't really seem like that's what you're doing this for) then go ahead, but DO NOT get emotionally attached to this girl because this situation is headed for disaster!
Keiichi
Hi
- 9 Mar 2003
- 1,023
- 19
Yeah! What the heck is a "friend with benefits?" It makes the whole friendship sounds so superficial. I'm with Brooker, thinking that you're not looking for only sex with this girl, so in this case, you're the one being sort of used already. Basically she's saying when she feels down, she can come and get it on with you to make herself feel better (which you've helped her quite a few times already and can expect more) and not have to be emotionally attached to you. She really have to work out her issues.
Keiichi
:?
Keiichi
:?
Knives
後輩
- 2 Jul 2004
- 286
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- Thread starter
- #69
ya guys i dont mind being friends with her but proboly nothing else until she works out her **** first and not use me when she needs a good time ya know.. im 17 and im still a virgin im lookin for that right girl ya know.. and im not goin to waste it and a stupid **** that wont mean somthing between me and the girl im doin it...
Knives
後輩
- 2 Jul 2004
- 286
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- Thread starter
- #73
unfortunaltly about this girl i still really like her we hang out all the time and i want to tell her i will wiat for her till shes ready for a relationship.. but i dont know what would happen i know she likes me she told me so she just doesnt want a relationship just now and i will wait for her till shes ready but i dont know if i should tell her...what should i do???
Hi Knives,
I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this pain and uncertainty with this girl. If only she had her act together, things would be so much simpler. But she doesn't, and that's the reality you have to deal with for now.
Unfortunately, if you decide to wait for her to change and possibly want a relationship one day, you may find yourself waiting for a long time, and that's not really fair to you. The hardest thing to do in situations like these is to move on with your life, regardless of what the other person chooses to do. The good news is that if she does decide to change for the better, she can always catch up with you down the road. If she doesn't, then the relationship was never really worth your time to begin with. Either way, you won't have to put your life on hold for someone who is this confused and conflicted right now.
Also, if you asked her to change for you and she did, she would most likely blame you for any problems down the road, because she would only be making those changes for you and not for herself. However, if you move on with your life, then she is left with some choices to make. She either has to get her act together in order to be with you or she has to let you go so that you can move on to someone who will really appreciate you and treat you right, which is what you deserve. And then if she chooses to change, she will be doing it for herself (in order to be with you), which is much different than merely doing it for you alone.
Your situation is very similar to people who have been in relationships with a partner who is unavailable, either through marriage to someone else or through alcoholism or other drugs. You want them to make changes and to choose you, but you also can't wait around forever, so it makes things very tough. The thought of moving on without them is very painful, and so is the decision to stay. That's why so many people stick it out for so long in unhealthy relationships, because they simply can't make the decision.
Fortunately for you, you're at the beginning of this scenario where you haven't become too involved yet. Your heart is involved, but thankfully you haven't become too physically involved with this girl. The funny thing about physical involvement is that oftentimes the emotional impact of the experience will sneak up on you when you least expect it. For instance, some people will tell themselves that it's "only sex" or that they can "handle" it, only to discover afterwards that they are in too deep emotionally as a result of the physical involvement. And then they find it even more difficult to get out of the situation.
It's still going to be difficult emotionally for you to move on without her, but it really must be done, as she is simply too screwed up (for lack of a better term) right now to be where you need her to be in your life. And you really deserve better than that!
A friend of mine once asked her brother why he was so picky about the women in his life, and his response was, "Why shouldn't I be picky? It's only my life!" How true. I think there are people who are pickier about who they go into business with than who they get into a romantic or sexual relationship with, and that's too bad.
I know this isn't going to be easy for you, but it's probably best to move on and get some distance from this girl. By doing so, she will be forced to realize what she may lose (you) and possibly make some changes in order to be with you. However, you need to understand that she may not choose to do so, in which case you will have to move on without her. But either way, you will be happy and will no longer be dependent on what she decides to do or not do. Frankly, this girl changes her mind about as often as the rest of us change our underwear! And that leaves you dependent on what she's going to do and not really in control of where your life needs to go. Just know that even though it will hurt to move on without her, it won't be as painful as it would be if you had stayed and put up with more of her problems.
Most importantly, know that all of us will be here for you any time you need to talk or feel you need support, so at least you won't be alone.
Satori
I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this pain and uncertainty with this girl. If only she had her act together, things would be so much simpler. But she doesn't, and that's the reality you have to deal with for now.
Unfortunately, if you decide to wait for her to change and possibly want a relationship one day, you may find yourself waiting for a long time, and that's not really fair to you. The hardest thing to do in situations like these is to move on with your life, regardless of what the other person chooses to do. The good news is that if she does decide to change for the better, she can always catch up with you down the road. If she doesn't, then the relationship was never really worth your time to begin with. Either way, you won't have to put your life on hold for someone who is this confused and conflicted right now.
Also, if you asked her to change for you and she did, she would most likely blame you for any problems down the road, because she would only be making those changes for you and not for herself. However, if you move on with your life, then she is left with some choices to make. She either has to get her act together in order to be with you or she has to let you go so that you can move on to someone who will really appreciate you and treat you right, which is what you deserve. And then if she chooses to change, she will be doing it for herself (in order to be with you), which is much different than merely doing it for you alone.
Your situation is very similar to people who have been in relationships with a partner who is unavailable, either through marriage to someone else or through alcoholism or other drugs. You want them to make changes and to choose you, but you also can't wait around forever, so it makes things very tough. The thought of moving on without them is very painful, and so is the decision to stay. That's why so many people stick it out for so long in unhealthy relationships, because they simply can't make the decision.
Fortunately for you, you're at the beginning of this scenario where you haven't become too involved yet. Your heart is involved, but thankfully you haven't become too physically involved with this girl. The funny thing about physical involvement is that oftentimes the emotional impact of the experience will sneak up on you when you least expect it. For instance, some people will tell themselves that it's "only sex" or that they can "handle" it, only to discover afterwards that they are in too deep emotionally as a result of the physical involvement. And then they find it even more difficult to get out of the situation.
It's still going to be difficult emotionally for you to move on without her, but it really must be done, as she is simply too screwed up (for lack of a better term) right now to be where you need her to be in your life. And you really deserve better than that!
A friend of mine once asked her brother why he was so picky about the women in his life, and his response was, "Why shouldn't I be picky? It's only my life!" How true. I think there are people who are pickier about who they go into business with than who they get into a romantic or sexual relationship with, and that's too bad.
I know this isn't going to be easy for you, but it's probably best to move on and get some distance from this girl. By doing so, she will be forced to realize what she may lose (you) and possibly make some changes in order to be with you. However, you need to understand that she may not choose to do so, in which case you will have to move on without her. But either way, you will be happy and will no longer be dependent on what she decides to do or not do. Frankly, this girl changes her mind about as often as the rest of us change our underwear! And that leaves you dependent on what she's going to do and not really in control of where your life needs to go. Just know that even though it will hurt to move on without her, it won't be as painful as it would be if you had stayed and put up with more of her problems.
Most importantly, know that all of us will be here for you any time you need to talk or feel you need support, so at least you won't be alone.
Satori
