Need some advice for courting a Japanese exchange student

[byp]

Well, here's the update. She and I are going to hang out this Sunday. We were supposed to hang out next week but instead she and her friends decided to go to Seattle for the week. Which kind of pissed me off but I got over it.

So we'll see how things go on Sunday.

just dont make a fool of yourself by demanding too much of her.
be a gallant gentleman, considerate towards her demand/s,
dont be too heavy...in fact dont be heavy at all, just try to be a butterfly sitting ever so lightly on her shoulder and not a bee turning and buzzing all around her.
DO NOT submerge her with questions, specially the stupid ones such as "why did'nt you..." in relation with you or your supposed relation.
Try to find a neutral field of discussion.
Try to find what she really likes, what she will do later, how she sees her immediate and further future WITHOUT including yourself in it.
Just do as if you do NO exist in her life, be interested about everything she wants, likes, dislikes, loves, hates. Try to place everything in an angle that will have to do with her and not with you.
Make some compliments about her shoes, hairdo, clothes, her progress in english, how she adapted to the life in US. DO NOT use flattery but be sincere
Make her laugh, be a clown, use self derision, dont make things serious.
But first and foremost, keep that all the time in your little mind :
It must be a day of joy and happyness for both of you, it must be a day she will remember. If she remembers the day she spent with you and if she appreciated it, then she will remember you and will appreciate you !!


I wish you the loveliest sunday of all your life, mate !!!

 

[Ewok85]

.....

Meanwhile I've completed a uni course, found a job, quit and found a new one and met a few new Japanese friends. At least she answered in the end eh?

 

[narblark]

Well, I stand corrected, it appears. I got a message on my cell phone and e-mail from her telling me she has come down with a cold and had to cancel.

I must admit I'm getting a little pissed off. I replied and told her that if she wants to get together to let me know.

She has both my phone number and e-mail address so if she really does want to get together at some point she knows how to reach me.

At the moment though, I wash my hands of this bullshit.

 

[byp]

Well, I stand corrected, it appears. I got a message on my cell phone and e-mail from her telling me she has come down with a cold and had to cancel.

I must admit I'm getting a little pissed off. I replied and told her that if she wants to get together to let me know.

She has both my phone number and e-mail address so if she really does want to get together at some point she knows how to reach me.

At the moment though, I wash my hands of this bullshit.

yyyoupeeeeeeee !!!
6 pages of JRef forum, 125 odd posts, for "a young man all pissed off for all that bullshit"
annoying, is it not ?
try and fall in love with a nice russian doll and we will tell you how to go about it.

 

[kirei_na_me]

At the moment though, I wash my hands of this bullshit.

I believe it's about time?

 

[Hero]

It doesn't seem she wants a relationship since she denied your kiss... >.<

 

[Elizabeth]

She probably thinks of herself as a highly ordinary Japanese girl and wonders what the fuss is all about. Or maybe she has a slight inferiority complex in the presense of Westerners. I've even known people with a combination of both of these.

 

[jieshi]

man thats how I feel when I come to the end of a three month stretch trying to get that perfect girl and then realising she wasn't as perfect as I thought she was. Good on you for trying, I hope it works out

 

[budd]

embarassing story alert
first (or second) trip to japan, was just wandering around
walked into a travel office to test my japanese comprehension under the guise of taking a trip to korea.
this girl working the desk had perfect english skills! probably the result of her spending a year in milwaukee wisconsin (father - company transfer)
what was supposed to be 30 min excursion turned into talking for hours @ her job (but her boss and coworkers kept saying it was okay! i promise)
sent her gifts of friendship from time to time, and she took me to places like nakano broadway, etc where she would wear totally different types of outfits.
her oufit at work would be frumpy at best, with sensible shoes
but out and about, she wouldn't wear her glasses, britney spears type jeans, high heels, with low cut blouses... she would laugh so hard when she could catch my eyes popping out (neither of us mentioning why either though)

when i would call, she would talk to me for an hour (yes, i called long-distance )
when i would end the call, she would stress again and again, how glad she was that i had called and to not take so long to call/please call again soon.
i thought this was a heaven of sorts... being able to communicate, share stories and opinions, but not having to worry about my car windows being shot out.
i found out she would write more if she was able to respond in japanese only.
and she would constantly say "your japanese is getting really good! please speak more!"

but one day, i responded with "dakara, anata ga motto shiritai" (book translated as "i would like to know more about you") as the reason. not "shitai", but it might as well have been?
all communication ceased, total shutdown, no more emails, when i nervously called after a month or so, her boss, after talking to me for a bit, said "oh, *Gue*? she's right here! hold on..."
i could literally hear her shaking her head no
boss came back on, sounding bewildered, "i'm sorry -- she's not here..."

i feel kind of bad, but not totally (however, i now write either only in english or japanese -- with english subtitles )
she looked incredible from the knees up... shock of black hair, very very pale skin, really sad eyes underneath smart black frames (i REALLY ike meganekko - american or otherwise, because they LOOK smart) could eat piles of chocolate and tummy was still flat as a board -- with a way of tossing her head to the side as she talked/laughed
but that last 25% was a hurdle that i couldn't get over regardless
i'm too superficial and never deserved her anyway!
i just hate that if i don't apologize sincerely someday? i will be just another horned gaijin anecdote, to be related in conversation even 20-50 years later?
maybe even still

nothing is as it seems, to me anyway. maybe if i lived there for twenty years?
nah! would be just as clueless

 

[jieshi]

you poor poor man!!! I feel your pain my friend now we can all join seargent peppers lonely hearts club (or is it band) lol

 

[Elizabeth]

but one day, i responded with "dakara, anata ga motto shiritai" (book translated as "i would like to know more about you") as the reason. not "shitai", but it might as well have been?

I'm not absolutely positive, but this comes across to me like "You want to know more," besides calling her anata and not her name is a little rude to begin with. I want to know about you --> "XXXsan no koto wo motto shiritain da to omoimasuyo."

 

[antantrevolution]

Well, I honestly didn't want to read the whole 5,000 pages + of this charming little story.. so, I didn't. Haha, joke, get it? I am soooooooo funny.

Anyway, I have a little story of mine own to tell, so gather round the fire and it's time for 'Antantrevolutions' trials and tribulations theater!!!'

Ready?

Go.

So, some of you may be aware that I am engaged at the moment. I met Hidemi, while living in New Jersey. She was visiting a friend of hers and happened to come into where I worked. We struck up a conversation, and her friend basically, point-blank told me I was going out with her. So I did.

Sadly, I only was able to work in two dates with her before she left to go back to Japan. On the first date, because I was aware that Japanese folks have this sort of EEEEEEWWWWW feeling towards public displays of affection, I acted very polite and kept up my distance. On the second, however, things changed. We went to Starbucks and it was like she had never been from Japan at all. We held hands, walked and talked and as I was driving her home, she said she wanted to kiss me.

Fast forward two months, she decides to come back for a visit and we go away for two weeks together, just her and me.

Things go well, and now a few more months and I'm in Japan. We become engaged.

She visits once more recently before I move out to Vegas, and things are still fine, but something is different.

Now, I don't know if it is just the distance apart that makes us a little off, or if we don't know eachother as much as we thought, but I can say that I have thought a few times to call it off. I really would rather not, because I love her so. But I feel that much of the problems we have are as follows...

I can't afford to bring her here (Somehow it is all of my responsibility to pay for all of it, a friend managed to steal his wife's Super Secret Society of Japanese Women handbook and it says so!)

which leads to...

Immense frustration and long bouts of not talking.

which leads to...

Changing the plan of attack. I'll go there, no she'll come here, no I'll go there...

which leads to much self doubt and hope for salvation.

I guess I am trying to say this...

I love my fiance more than life itself, but it is hard being in a long distance relationship for numerous personal reasons.

I feel that because of not planning better for things in the future, I may have possibly doomed any type of future I have with her. I didn't think that I would have ever met her or gotten engaged, so I never realised that things can hit you like a tomahawk missile to the crotch.

I feel that because of not planning, I honestly tell her that I have no money and can't bring her here she may think of it as an excuse. Which is definitely not what it is.

I wish I had met her earlier, because she came into my life after it fell apart 2 years ago, and I have tried to put it together, but sometimes you can't do it while trying to plan for a future.

I wish I could just tell her to come here and say to hell with the immigration for now, we get married, she lays low and then we file.

I wish I could get a job in Japan, but the likelihood of that is pretty low.

All of these things I wish just so I can be with her.

Sort of a race against the clock, huh? Sometimes I feel it is a race I will lose.

And I feel that while a fault in a relationship is 50/50, I feel that I carry more of that burden.

Sorry to ramble.

Ant

 

[Elizabeth]

man thats how I feel when I come to the end of a three month stretch trying to get that perfect girl and then realising she wasn't as perfect as I thought she was. Good on you for trying, I hope it works out

Yeah, you have to try, or at least I do. But it is an incredible amount of work and apologizing, as Budd said, and after two years I've only just begun to let the sickness die. So things should really start happening when you get your life back and don't care quite as much....:?

 

[byp]

Now, I don't know if it is just the distance apart that makes us a little off, or if we don't know eachother as much as we thought, but I can say that I have thought a few times to call it off. I really would rather not, because I love her so. But I feel that much of the problems we have are as follows...Ant

Dont call it off because it's a little hard. Quitting will maybe not make it easier. If you're a winner, if you really love her, dont quit !

I can't afford to bring her here (Somehow it is all of my responsibility to pay for all of it, a friend managed to steal his wife's Super Secret Society of Japanese Women handbook and it says so!)Ant

Dont believe everything that is written, specially if it's a japanes book, and probably as old as antediluvian times and traditions. Be a man ! If you want to live with her, financial things will be BIG & IMPORTANT mattters all your life long ! so better tell her the truth. Explain, give details, don't let doubt creep in your relation. it must be clear in HER mind that you want her to be with you (and/or that you want to be with her), but the financial thing is a bug. You cannot afford not to mention this situation, If she wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her, things will work out one way or another.

Immense frustration and long bouts of not talking.Ant

well as I said, take the lead and YOU do the talking.

Changing the plan of attack. I'll go there, no she'll come here, no I'll go there...Ant

maybe it is better that you stay in us and have her come to you, if she is ready to move. In this case, you'0ll have to be extremely caring because she will feel kind of cut from her roots. whatever you do, open up to her and explain everything. a solid future, a sound relation cannot be built on "no-talking" and on "no-decision-making".
You really want her ? do what it takes , man !

I love my fiance more than life itself, but it is hard being in a long distance relationship for numerous personal reasons.Ant

of course it is, but don't cry on it millions of people have gone through it and are still alive. you're not the first and not the last. stop complaining on yourself and go FIGHT FOR IT !!! whatever it takes !

I feel that because of not planning better for things in the future, I may have possibly doomed any type of future I have with her. I didn't think that I would have ever met her or gotten engaged, so I never realised that things can hit you like a tomahawk missile to the crotch.Ant

yes, it does ! it's hard and painfull. it's up to ou to do take the necessary steps to make sure it'll work out ok.

I feel that because of not planning, I honestly tell her that I have no money and can't bring her here she may think of it as an excuse. Which is definitely not what it is.
I wish I could just tell her to come here and say to hell with the immigration for now, we get married, she lays low and then we file.
I wish I could get a job in Japan, but the likelihood of that is pretty low.
All of these things I wish just so I can be with her.Ant

stop wishing
stop thinking
start working on realizing something positive !
good luck and keep us posted !!!!

 

[antantrevolution]

@ BYP - Thank you so very much...

Ant

 

[Hero]

From what I've read and from my single experience in Japan with attempting to pick-up J-girls (and stories of fellow students)... she doesn't like you in that way and doesn't want to see you.

While I was in Japan... I learned one MAJOR thing about picking up J-girls. Do not come-on too strong and/or seem too interested in her. Even if they're acting super nice and interested. They will still act all friendly and such and make future plans to hang out... but when it comes down to them replying to your E-mail or picking up your call.. it doesn't happen.

Many of my fellow students told me stories during the trip of how they had same problem... I thought it was hilarious. One of them just wanted to be friends with many Japanese and learn the culture but even he got the no reply/don't pick-up status.

I kinda feel you are being over-obsessed with her... Sorry if she doesn't take to you, better luck on next girl you meet.

 

[Ewok85]

stop wishing
stop thinking
start working on realizing something positive !

Omg! Thats the best thing you've said yet.

Long distance relationships are hard, but if you can make it work then it will make all the difference.

 

[byp]

From what I've read and from my single experience in Japan with attempting to pick-up J-girls (and stories of fellow students)... she doesn't like you in that way and doesn't want to see you.

Many of my fellow students told me stories during the trip of how they had same problem... I thought it was hilarious. One of them just wanted to be friends with many Japanese and learn the culture but even he got the no reply/don't pick-up status.

I kinda feel you are being over-obsessed with her... Sorry if she doesn't take to you, better luck on next girl you meet.

oh boy !!! another one amongst the great losers...
you read carefully what "antantrevolution" said.
then you comment.
NO ! don't comment ! please, change subject.
and you call yourself "hero" ?????
one of these days I'll die laughing my head off....
hillarious....

Omg! Thats the best thing you've said yet.

O M G !!! you're still alive, you ??
and no, it's not the best thing i've said. you should give more attention to all my posts. i'm quite proud of myself on some other posts !!!!!!!!!!
i'm really going to die laughing....

Long distance relationships are hard, but if you can make it work then it will make all the difference.

you are right... it's just like you and me... so far appart and yet so terribly close...
mmmmmmhhhhhh?????

 

[kirei_na_me]

oh boy !!! another one amongst the great losers...
you read carefully what "antantrevolution" said.
then you comment.
NO ! don't comment ! please, change subject.
and you call yourself "hero" ?????
one of these days I'll die laughing my head off....
hillarious....

I think he was referring to narblark, the original poster. Not antantrevolution.

 

[narblark]

Hmmm.... some interesting comments.

What annoys me isn't that she didn't want to hang out/wasn't interested. That's fine. But I wish she would have been more forthcoming about it. Especially since I put the ball in her court time after time and she kept coming back. If she didn't want to get together wouldn't it have been easier to not reply to e-mail or not to call me on the phone?

Oh well, different strokes for different folks, I suppose. No harm done anyway. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, after all.

I've been pretty busy anyways, I haven't had a chance to check this forum for several days.

 

[Ewok85]

You either get nice smiles and last minute cancelations or straight out ignored. It can be a pain in the ***, at least aussie girls tell me where to stick it when they arent interested

 

[Hero]

oh boy !!! another one amongst the great losers...
you read carefully what "antantrevolution" said.
then you comment.
NO ! don't comment ! please, change subject.
and you call yourself "hero" ?????
one of these days I'll die laughing my head off....
hillarious...

It was late and I read many post already, perhaps I missed his or it was posted while I was typing in mine, IDK. Why do you have to get on my back about it anyways? I'm speaking in general terms about what I know of J-Girls.
AntAntrevolutions story is all it is (if that's what you're refering to)... ONE story. This doesn't mean all J-girls will automatically attach to you, love you, and want to get married.

And I'm not a loser. But I'm not saying you don't have the right to your own opinion. I kinda feel you're a jerk by the way you posted about me and the other person. You have a bad attitude. As for the name Hero; I tried many names I wanted but were all taken. Then I remembered the new Jet-Li movie and decided to use that. Did I ever actually say I was a "Hero"? No. (I like Jet Li & Jackie Chan movies and other various martial arts/guns movies)

And also to let you know... I'm also seeing a J-Girl.
Been seeing her for 2 1/2 months now. My kan (gut feeling) told me shes the one for me and her's told her the same during a date. We started going out during last 2 weeks of my college trip to Japan.

During that last week, I told her a long-distance relationship would be hard on both of us. Pretty much I gave her the chance to leave me because I understood the situation. I also told her we wouldn't be able to move together until we're both done with college. Of which I did tell her it'd be 2-4 years for me depending on if I go for associates or bachelors degree. She also knows I'm sh*t-broke.
She made the choice to stay with me. And since then we talk each morning on chat, E-mail eachother each day, call eachother if one is feeling really sad.
We have very good relationship, talk about anything & everything, and we do things for eachother.

We've thoroughly discussed our future together and what suprises it may hold for us. We plan to move in after we're both done with college and get married. We've also (for the most part) decided to live in the U.S. She really prefers to live here 'cause she likes it here, thinks it's better for me, and would be better for our kids in the future. (Yes, we talked about that far into the future.) After a lot of thought, I also think it's best for us here.

I love her very much and she loves me very much. We've both shown it many times, too. No, this is not some false love or wanting to get married so we don't lose eachother. We're truelly in love and both know we're meant to be.

 

[cicatriz esp]

I probably would have told you to stop persuing this girl from the 2nd page of this thread. 2 big reasons:

1. Most japanese girls will not date fat guys (no offense meant at all to anyone who is fat). This is just cultural i think. Often to them, if you are not thin, you are fat. Japanese girls have even called one or two of my muscular white friends fat, solely because they were not rails.

2. Japanese girls are the queens of leading guys on. They will say "yes" just to avoid embarrassment when they have no intention of showing up to a date. If they want to be more than just friends with you, you will know it within a week.

 

[narblark]

Oh well, like I said, no harm done. It's not like I had a lot of investment here. And it's all a learning experience. At least I tried, which is positive in of itself.

I realize I'm a newbie on this forum but in the immortal words of Don King, "Can't we all just get along?" I mean, what's the point of personal attacks and stuff? Aren't we here to try and help each other out, not tear someone down?

 

[blessed]

wow... 148 replies. I must say that the tactics necessary for courting a Japanese student must be mind boggling if 148 replies are required to begin deciphering them. I ain't ever approaching one now; waay too much work to put miself through.