Need a critique on a song I translated

[ValterValyun]

Hello there, I'm new to these forums so hopefully I'll be able to learn Japanese well.

Anyway, I have been a fan of Kyosuke Himuro 氷室京介 (I believe he's under-rate since not a lot of people know him), and I have these kanji lyrics from the song "Never Cry Wolf" from the "B"orderless Album, and I have attempted to translate this song for the first time.

Reason why I'm doing this? I am a Flash animator, and I would to attempt on making an animated music video to this song, just for portfolio purposes. Don't worry, Himuro-san will get credited.

So here's my attempt on the translation:

冬枯れの風に 飢えた聲
おまえは何処へ 行こうとしてる
The wind of the dying winter the hungry voice
Where are you trying to go?

逃した獲物の 跡を追う
荒地の先に 何が見えるか
I follow the tracks of the lost prey
What do I look for the destined wasteland?

剥がれた心で
いつか見た夢までえぐられて
終わらない夜へ
オレもただそこにいるWith you
The heart came off
Once I saw the dream scooping out
Toward the never-ending night
I am also right there with you

痛みの深さを 隠したまま
おまえは何を 喰らおうとする
Leaving this deep pain covered
What have you decide to bite on?

孤独に滴る 黒い血は
捨てた愛への 懺悔の色か
The black blood that drops into isolation
Has this sinned color abandoned love?

渇いた目をして
慰めのぬくもり引き裂かれ
くりかえす道を
オレもただそこにいるWith you
Keeping my eyes dried
Tearing the warm comfort
This road repeats
I am also right there with you

失うまで 気がつかないやすらぎ
手に入れても 決して見えない ものばかりさ
Until I lose this unknown peace
Even if my granted hand is the only thing that can never be seen

剥がれた心で Woo
いつか見た夢までえぐられて
終わらない夜へ
オレもただそこにいるWith you
The heart came off
Once I saw the dream scooping out
Toward the never-ending night
I am also right there with you

そこにいる (x2)
I'll be there . . . (x2)

source of these kanji lyrics: 氷室京介 Never Cry Wolf 歌詞

The song:

 

[Toritoribe]

冬枯れ means 冬に草木が枯れること, not 冬が枯れること.
ふゆがれ【冬枯れ】の英語・英訳 - 和英辞書 - goo辞書

The subject of the third and fourth lines would be "you", since おまえ is in the second line and オレ is in the eighth line.

先 means "(the place) beyond / over ~" in 荒地の先.

剥がれた modifies 心.

いつか見た modifies 夢. It's not いつか夢までえぐられるのを見て.

剥がれた心で and いつか見た夢までえぐられて are both adverbial clauses.

痛みの深さ and 深い痛み are different.

It's not 捨てた愛の, but 捨てた愛への. This へ indicates the direction 懺悔 is directed to.

懺悔 means "repentance" here.

手に入れる is an idiom. The object of 手に入れても is also もの.