My father-in-law had a major stroke and is near comatose- he could pass at any time. My parent from Australia want to visit. My wife says its Japanese culture to not enjoy yourself or have visitors. Does traditional Japanese culture have clear guidance on what to do in this situation? Of course it is still my wife's choice not have them visit their grandson who is 7.
How to handle my parents wanting to visit when my father-in-law is on death's door.
- 6 Mar 2003
- 9,317
- 9,444
I don't know the general culture rules regarding hospice near death circumstances though I imagine most people would frown upon going to Disneyland in that situation. It doesn't really matter if it's Japanese culture or not. It comes down to your wife's needs and desires and how you can negotiate with your parents without pissing somebody off.
- 12 Oct 2013
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Listen to your wife on this. Suggest another time. She's massively stressed out about her father, I imagine, and dealing with this family situation while at the same time preparing for a visit from Australian in-laws is too much stress.
Of course you don't shut down and go into an indefinite period of pre-mourning, but if her father is on death's door let this run its course and explain to your parents that its best to put off the visit for a while. (One compromise might be for you and your son to visit them in Oz if your father in-law's situation becomes stable).
Your wife is right in that its generally bad form to plan holidays while a parent is gravely ill. Even if you think there is no burden on her, and that your own parents are self-sufficient, this kind of situation is a massive stress sandwich for Japanese people. If (God forbid) her father dies, the whole process of funeral and cremation, and then post funeral Buddhist rites which drag on forever depending how devote her family is (and usually, depending on how devote they wish to appear) are too much for many people to bear. Usually best to avoid planning anything until after the 49th Day Ceremony.
I'm assuming she's traditionally/nominally Buddhist. If you don't know about all these ceremonies (7th day, 49th day, 100th day, etc..) best to brush up on them, and talk about them with your wife. Your wife's family may wish to simplify things and forgo some of the rituals. If her father was a man of some standing in the community, it will be hard to cut back on these, as a certain level of ceremony will be expected.
It's a delicate time, so give her some space to deal with this without having to deal with her Aussie in-laws. Hopefully your parents will understand. Give it a few months to settle down.
Of course you don't shut down and go into an indefinite period of pre-mourning, but if her father is on death's door let this run its course and explain to your parents that its best to put off the visit for a while. (One compromise might be for you and your son to visit them in Oz if your father in-law's situation becomes stable).
Your wife is right in that its generally bad form to plan holidays while a parent is gravely ill. Even if you think there is no burden on her, and that your own parents are self-sufficient, this kind of situation is a massive stress sandwich for Japanese people. If (God forbid) her father dies, the whole process of funeral and cremation, and then post funeral Buddhist rites which drag on forever depending how devote her family is (and usually, depending on how devote they wish to appear) are too much for many people to bear. Usually best to avoid planning anything until after the 49th Day Ceremony.
I'm assuming she's traditionally/nominally Buddhist. If you don't know about all these ceremonies (7th day, 49th day, 100th day, etc..) best to brush up on them, and talk about them with your wife. Your wife's family may wish to simplify things and forgo some of the rituals. If her father was a man of some standing in the community, it will be hard to cut back on these, as a certain level of ceremony will be expected.
It's a delicate time, so give her some space to deal with this without having to deal with her Aussie in-laws. Hopefully your parents will understand. Give it a few months to settle down.
- Thread starter
- #4
We aren't any more than home shrine type of Buddhist and grave visiting- that's all. We dodge the grave visiting and shrine visiitng at times. Only doing her parents rope us into. It would nice to point to specific Japanese culture for my parents who are rather culturally insensitive- they couldn't manage to always remove their shoes in our house.
- 14 Mar 2002
- 21,050
- 18,903
Regarding your father-in-law, you should heed the advice of Majestic and Mdchachi (and, of course, your wife's).
We have several guides on Japanese etiquette here (though they haven't been updated in a while). They might be good starters.
jref.com
jref.com
jref.com
We have several guides on Japanese etiquette here (though they haven't been updated in a while). They might be good starters.
Japanese Manners and Etiquette
Social behaviour and etiquette are considered very important in Japan. While specific rules of courtesy are supposed to be universal, quite a few Japanese manners and habits are unique and should also be respected by foreigners. Please note that...
jref.com
Gift-giving in Japan
Gift-giving in Japan involves complex and elaborate rules and is part of a more extensive system of social exchange. Gifts are given each time another person is visited and are usually exchanged on other particular occasions. Not a week goes by...
jref.com
Chopstick Etiquette
How good are you at using chopsticks? If you have been a Japanese resident for some years, "pretty good!" you might say. However, the real question goes: how familiar are you with chopstick manners and taboos? Even the native Japanese do not...
jref.com
- 6 Mar 2003
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Just make something up. They don't need an URL for proof do they?
But really it's common sense. If they were dealing with a major life event like this would they want to host visitors?
But if you want to point to culture, it comes down to the 気を遣う thing. They may say -- we'll be no bother, we'll take care of ourselves, you don't need to make us dinner or worry about us. But the fact is, your wife will worry about them and their needs. Probably more than you would yourself. It's stressful in the best of the times but at times like this it's a terrible distraction and extra pressure.
Hopefully your parents are reasonable. There are lots of horror stories in the advice columns of mother in laws insisting to be present when the daughter in laws giving birth and the like. And, even worse, sometimes the son/husband not standing up for his wife in those situations.
- 6 Mar 2003
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I just got access to the BingAI and posed your question to it.
My father-in-law had a major stroke and is near comatose- he could pass at any time. My parent from Australia want to visit. My wife says its Japanese culture to not enjoy yourself or have visitors. Does traditional Japanese culture have clear guidance on what to do in this situation?
I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law's condition. I hope he recovers soon.
According to some sources, traditional Japanese culture has a strong belief in the afterlife and views death as a natural transition. The spirits of the dead are believed to be nearby and may visit their loved ones during certain times of year. Therefore, some Japanese people may prefer to avoid anything that might disturb or disrespect the dying person or their spirit.
However, not all Japanese people share the same views or practices regarding death and dying. Some may be more influenced by modern or Western values, while others may have personal preferences or religious beliefs that differ from the traditional norms. Therefore, it is important to respect your wife's wishes and feelings in this difficult time.
Do you know if your father-in-law has any specific wishes or preferences for his end-of-life care? Do you think your parents would understand and respect your wife's culture if they visit?
No I don't think so. What should I tell them so they will understand?
You could explain to them that your wife's culture has a different way of coping with death and dying, and that she needs some space and privacy to grieve. You could also tell them that you appreciate their support and love, but you don't want to cause any stress or conflict in this situation. You could ask them to respect your decision and wait until a more appropriate time to visit.
How do you think they would respond to that? Do you have any other concerns or questions?
It would nice to point to specific Japanese culture for my parents who are rather culturally insensitive- they couldn't manage to always remove their shoes in our house.
I understand your concern. Some aspects of Japanese culture that may be different from your parents' culture are:
The belief in the afterlife and the presence of spirits.
The preference for family involvement and decision-making in end-of-life care.
The rituals of Japanese funerals, such as wakes, offerings, cremation, and burial.
The etiquette of funeral guests, such as bringing money gifts and wearing black.
You could explain these aspects to your parents and ask them to respect your wife's culture and customs. You could also suggest some ways they can express their condolences or support without visiting, such as sending a card or a message.
Would that be helpful? Do you have any other questions?
What's the best excuse I can tell them to persuade them that they shouldn't come?
I don't think you need to make up an excuse to persuade your parents. You can simply tell them the truth: that your wife's culture has a different way of dealing with death and dying, and that she needs some space and privacy to grieve. You can also tell them that you love them and appreciate their support, but you don't want to cause any stress or conflict in this situation. You can ask them to respect your decision and wait until a more appropriate time to visit.
I think honesty is the best policy in this case. How do you feel about that?
What if they say they want to help and be careful not to intrude?
You can thank them for their offer and their good intentions, but you can also explain that your wife may not feel comfortable having visitors at this time. You can tell them that you are doing your best to support your wife and respect her culture, and that you hope they can understand and support you too. You can also suggest some other ways they can help or show their care, such as sending a card or a message, or making a donation to a charity in your father-in-law's name.
How do you think they would react to that?
Considering that this is the horse and buggy period of conversational A.I. we have an almost unfathomable future ahead of us. The A.I. was also able to chat and respond in Japanese on other topics I tried too. I sure hope we can harness this technology without too many casualties.
My father-in-law had a major stroke and is near comatose- he could pass at any time. My parent from Australia want to visit. My wife says its Japanese culture to not enjoy yourself or have visitors. Does traditional Japanese culture have clear guidance on what to do in this situation?
I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law's condition. I hope he recovers soon.
According to some sources, traditional Japanese culture has a strong belief in the afterlife and views death as a natural transition. The spirits of the dead are believed to be nearby and may visit their loved ones during certain times of year. Therefore, some Japanese people may prefer to avoid anything that might disturb or disrespect the dying person or their spirit.
However, not all Japanese people share the same views or practices regarding death and dying. Some may be more influenced by modern or Western values, while others may have personal preferences or religious beliefs that differ from the traditional norms. Therefore, it is important to respect your wife's wishes and feelings in this difficult time.
Do you know if your father-in-law has any specific wishes or preferences for his end-of-life care? Do you think your parents would understand and respect your wife's culture if they visit?
No I don't think so. What should I tell them so they will understand?
You could explain to them that your wife's culture has a different way of coping with death and dying, and that she needs some space and privacy to grieve. You could also tell them that you appreciate their support and love, but you don't want to cause any stress or conflict in this situation. You could ask them to respect your decision and wait until a more appropriate time to visit.
How do you think they would respond to that? Do you have any other concerns or questions?
It would nice to point to specific Japanese culture for my parents who are rather culturally insensitive- they couldn't manage to always remove their shoes in our house.
I understand your concern. Some aspects of Japanese culture that may be different from your parents' culture are:
The belief in the afterlife and the presence of spirits.
The preference for family involvement and decision-making in end-of-life care.
The rituals of Japanese funerals, such as wakes, offerings, cremation, and burial.
The etiquette of funeral guests, such as bringing money gifts and wearing black.
You could explain these aspects to your parents and ask them to respect your wife's culture and customs. You could also suggest some ways they can express their condolences or support without visiting, such as sending a card or a message.
Would that be helpful? Do you have any other questions?
What's the best excuse I can tell them to persuade them that they shouldn't come?
I don't think you need to make up an excuse to persuade your parents. You can simply tell them the truth: that your wife's culture has a different way of dealing with death and dying, and that she needs some space and privacy to grieve. You can also tell them that you love them and appreciate their support, but you don't want to cause any stress or conflict in this situation. You can ask them to respect your decision and wait until a more appropriate time to visit.
I think honesty is the best policy in this case. How do you feel about that?
What if they say they want to help and be careful not to intrude?
You can thank them for their offer and their good intentions, but you can also explain that your wife may not feel comfortable having visitors at this time. You can tell them that you are doing your best to support your wife and respect her culture, and that you hope they can understand and support you too. You can also suggest some other ways they can help or show their care, such as sending a card or a message, or making a donation to a charity in your father-in-law's name.
How do you think they would react to that?
Considering that this is the horse and buggy period of conversational A.I. we have an almost unfathomable future ahead of us. The A.I. was also able to chat and respond in Japanese on other topics I tried too. I sure hope we can harness this technology without too many casualties.
