girl friend blues

[jieshi]

hey guys. Ok so hehe love letter girl is now my gf ( I asked her the other day). I am really happy as she is my first gf, but I am already hitting what I consider to be problems. First let me say the reason I am posting this is because so far teh people around me haven't been able to provide any answers so this is sort of my last resort lol.

Basically I am new to Japan, so I don't speak alot of the language (I can hold a basic conversation) so first off langauge barriers don't help things along to much. Anyway, my gf is very, very, very shy. In fact we have been dating for 5 days now and she hasn't talked to me. I make a serious effort to try and communicate with her but she never actually looks at me, and she gets her best friend to speak to me (at the moment the best friend is more of a girl friend and I dont want that lol). I have asked her to come out with me at least 4 times and everytime she has had some lame excuse. One example is I asked her to come out for lunch with me and her friends and she said "oh i dont have any money" I was like "oh dont worry I will pay for you" and then she said "oh i have to do lots of homework".

Now apparently I am her frist boyfriend so of course she is going to be shy, but in all honesty I feel like I am in elementary school again because the communication always comes through the best friend. Oh and she has made it very clear I am not allowed to tell anyone she is my girlfriend or she will get upset.

Can someone please help? I am getting really spaced out, and am being pushed to the point of breaking it off and I really dont want to do that because I really like this girl.

thanks guys

 

[Brooker]

Sorry, dude, doesn't sound like you really have a girlfriend yet if she doesn't talk to you and won't go out with you. Good luck though.

 

[jieshi]

Sorry, dude, doesn't sound like you really have a girlfriend yet if she doesn't talk to you and won't go out with you. Good luck though.

lol thats exactly how i feel. i keep saying to her best friend "is she my girlfriend??" and everybody keeps saying "yes, yes she is" and I'm like "well where is the love??"

 

[Elizabeth]

lol thats exactly how i feel. i keep saying to her best friend "is she my girlfriend??" and everybody keeps saying "yes, yes she is" and I'm like "well where is the love??"

Doesn't it seem a little backwards to expect the feeling to come from saying the words ? I'd worry more about a relationship that has to make your connection to her explicit and obvious rather than let it flow out of something totally natural and real. Believe me, though, having a g/f or b/f won't be such a big deal in a few years once you're more settled into a certain role. And a lot of times quite a bit more trouble than it is worth....

 

[jieshi]

Doesn't it seem a little backwards to expect the feeling to come from saying the words ? I'd worry more about a relationship that has to make your connection to her explicit and obvious rather than let it flow out of something totally natural and real. Believe me, though, having a g/f or b/f won't be such a big deal in a few years once you're more settled into a certain role. And a lot of times quite a bit more trouble than it is worth....

(please note I am not being rude or sensitive) I'm not that stupid and naive that I would expect the feeling to come form hearing the words lol, that would be the spark factor as brooker describes it. In all honesty yes, what i am worried about is a relationship that is going to make an explicit connection with her, because I would never step into a relationship unless I was seriou about it. I'm just trying to figure her out.

 

[Elizabeth]

(please note I am not being rude or sensitive) I'm not that stupid and naive that I would expect the feeling to come form hearing the words lol, that would be the spark factor as brooker describes it. In all honesty yes, what i am worried about is a relationship that is going to make an explicit connection with her, because I would never step into a relationship unless I was seriou about it. I'm just trying to figure her out.

I guess maybe you would first need to explain directly what brought you together in the first place if you've never had an honest conversation. The spark factor is another term for physical attractiveness or attraction, which
I personally don't have any experience with as the basis for anything....

 

[Mike Cash]

lol thats exactly how i feel. i keep saying to her best friend "is she my girlfriend??" and everybody keeps saying "yes, yes she is" and I'm like "well where is the love??"

Remember what I mentioned about Japanese and displays of affection in another thread? While there are exceptions, and they are more common among the younger set....Welcome to Japan.

 

[Elizabeth]

Can someone please help? I am getting really spaced out, and am being pushed to the point of breaking it off and I really dont want to do that because I really like this girl.

thanks guys

If you two really do get on well together, have a similar sense of humor, outlook on life and the motivation to make it work than best wishes to you.
It's hard to know what to say but I guess no one else could be of more help.

 

[Jent]

I agree with the majority. It really doesn't even sound like she's your girlfriend. What a crappy way to treat someone. I mean, seriously, why doesn't she want anyone to know that you are dating? THAT to me sounds like elementary school. I don't know a whole lot about Japanese culture, so I really don't know what is going on here, but off of basic human nature, it just doesn't even sound like she's in it. Sorry.

 

[Keiichi]

In my opinion, I think it can be a relationship and still be like that, but not an honest one (which probably defeats some parts of having a relationship..). But could she be ashamed if her family or friends finds out she's dating a foreigner? There's gotta be a reason.

Keiichi

 

[Mike Cash]

Anyone expecting the same level of maturity and emotional development for a given age from a Japanese youth, especially a teen who is apparently somewhat on the shy side, as they would a person of the same age in their own country is in for a disappointment.

 

[jieshi]

hehe yes i agree she could be a little less mature. anyway I wrote her a letter (in japanese it took me bloody 3 hours!!!!) explaining my worries and she has changed her tune majorly!! I assuming she was scared I wasn't being honest or something and now that I have opened up to her she is pretty cool about it. hehe problem solved (for now lol)

 

[Mike Cash]

I am truly happy that things are looking up for you.

 

[Jent]

That's wonderful. I hope things continue to go smoothly then.

 

[jieshi]

not when she writes me a letter today stating that she "might" want to break up. well more she was asking for some time to sort out her feelings

 

[misa.j]

jieshi,
Girls in her age, their mind changes like every 5 minutes, and especially if she is a Japanese, it's natural for you to have a difficulty communicating her. You seem to be keeping your cool so well (spent 3 hours writing to her in Japanese, that's so sweet); although it is fun and amusing to know that someone likes you, it can be frustranting and confusing in many cases.

I wish she would talk to you and say what is really on her mind. I think you are doing the best you can with her. I really hope things will work out for you.

 

[jieshi]

jieshi,
Girls in her age, their mind changes like every 5 minutes, and especially if she is a Japanese, it's natural for you to have a difficulty communicating her. You seem to be keeping your cool so well (spent 3 hours writing to her in Japanese, that's so sweet); although it is fun and amusing to know that someone likes you, it can be frustranting and confusing in many cases.

I wish she would talk to you and say what is really on her mind. I think you are doing the best you can with her. I really hope things will work out for you.

thanks misa.j you dont know how much I needed to hear that. I keep feeling like I am being impatient and pressuring her (even though Im not) so thankyou for the words of encouragement!!!!! it feels really good

 

[Keiichi]

You know what? Be a man. Don't become a couple so sudden and fall into these girly traps. Just get to know each other and do stuff, like friends (but I don't really like putting it like that. heh.) Do stuff with other girls too. Make her jealous and she'll want you more. If she wants to be your girlfriend, don't let it happen. Become a couple only when you like the way she is, which cannot happen that suddenly.

Keiichi

 

[MajideSaiaku]

youngun's work so fast, they can have like 30 boyfriends/girlfriends within the space it takes me to get over the old one, enjoy my own company a little while, get to know a new girl, and maybe go out with her. =S

 

[jieshi]

youngun's work so fast, they can have like 30 boyfriends/girlfriends within the space it takes me to get over the old one, enjoy my own company a little while, get to know a new girl, and maybe go out with her. =S

sounds like me, I may not sound it but I'm not that into changing my mind about girls quickly I perfer to work your way nurizeko

 

[Mike Cash]

youngun's work so fast, they can have like 30 boyfriends/girlfriends within the space it takes me to get over the old one, enjoy my own company a little while, get to know a new girl, and maybe go out with her. =S

It is interesting to hear a 19 year old referring to fellow teenagers as "youngun's"

 

[jieshi]

It is interesting to hear a 19 year old referring to fellow teenagers as "youngun's"

hehe true true

 

[nagaryu samurai]

wish I could help you but I dont have a gf of my own

 

[MajideSaiaku]

i refer to youngungs in the sense that the level of maturity between a 19 year old and a 14-16 year old is quite wide, and i do feel older then them, anyway at 19 the real world is already well underway at chipping away at whats left of childhood innocence and turning you into a brooding doomsaying adult, lol =/.

 

[Mike Cash]

Actually, it reminded me of seeing a couple of Japanese children, neither of whom could have been more than about six years old, purchase a can of ﾆ停?ｰﾆ停ぎﾆ値 from a vending machine. One took a swig from it and told the other that the flavor was 窶ｰﾃｹ窶堋ｩ窶堋ｵ窶堋｢.

A situation sort of like this: