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American woman/ Japanese man

Clarence

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Think Seriously

Nancy,

I would seiously think about the rest of your life. I don't think it is easy as you say to get visas for Japanese to get visas in America or for Americans to get visas in Japan.
it also depends on what your fiance's job is, or what he is trained to do. I personally would not recrommend a teaching job for you in Japan as it is a very low paid career in japan. especially for foreigners. If you are fluent in Japanese things may be a little easier in japan, but only a little easier, believe me!

As I said, it all depends what your future husband wants to do for a living and how fluent his english is.

International marriages are very difficult. I think you should not rush things at all. You don't just have a marriage to challenge, but you also have the culture problem. On the surface this may seem O.K, but I would try living together first.

I would check out the feelings of his family members, and make sure that they agree to a foreigner marrying into their family. Especially if he is the eldest son. if you decide to live in Japan you will have to be entered on to his family list( ask your boyfriend about this) and it could cause problems if they are not so understanding.

Japanese culture is more open now, but there are still some traditions that can cause obstacles.

Best of luck!
 

manekineko2

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Thank you. It has been a while since I have been to this board. My friend has been very busy with his job. I don't know if things will ever work out with us. I would like for him to visit the US. Japanese are a very hard-working group of people. I never appreciated it as much as I do now. I think that oddly enough, I was more attracted to him because he is Japanese. I really like the people and the culture. I have had terrible luck with men here in the US. Japanese men are harder to get to know, but for the most part, I believe them to be sincere for the most part. I love the country and the culture. So, for me, the fact that he was Japanese was a plus, not a negative, as in their culture for them to marry a westerner. I know that some families are way more traditional than others. I am studying Japanese very hard. This isn't easy here. I have not met a lot of Japanese--especially ones that are willing to teach. Japan is not just a country but a way of life. I plan on returning sometime next year, but this time for a month. I want to have an open schedule to visit places and do things, including a trip to an onsen. I have other friends in Japan who are willing to share their culture. I was just amazed at how many more gaijin men are attracted to Asian women than the other way around. I am a minority.
 

neko_girl22

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Re: Think Seriously

Originally posted by Claire Sharps
I don't think it is easy as you say to get visas for Japanese to get visas in America or for Americans to get visas in Japan.
it also depends on what your fiance's job is, or what he is trained to do. I personally would not recrommend a teaching job for you in Japan as it is a very low paid career in japan. especially for foreigners. If you are fluent in Japanese things may be a little easier in japan, but only a little easier, believe me!

International marriages are very difficult. I think you should not rush things at all. You don't just have a marriage to challenge, but you also have the culture problem.

I have only applied for my spouse visa once, but it was very easy to get and I've heard it will be no problem for me to extend it for 2-3 years at a time. Sometimes getting a re-entry permit is a bit of a pain, but nothing major. If you are not married of course you will have to get a work visa through your company.

Teaching English can provide a reasonable income. Lowest pay would be Y3,000 per hour for a class - which is low for somewhere like Tokyo, but most pay a lot more than that.
With what attitude you live in Japan (or ANY foreign country) will detirmine how easy it is. Of course it never is easy but it can be a great experience.

International marriages can be very difficult! But because we put so much extra effort into it, it can be a very strong and successful marriage.
 

suntory

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do something about yourself!

Originally posted by manekineko2

Thank you. It has been a while since I have been to this board. My friend has been very busy with his job. I don't know if things will ever work out with us. I would like for him to visit the US. Japanese are a very hard-working group of people. I never appreciated it as much as I do now. I think that oddly enough, I was more attracted to him because he is Japanese. I really like the people and the culture. I have had terrible luck with men here in the US. Japanese men are harder to get to know, but for the most part, I believe them to be sincere for the most part. I love the country and the culture. So, for me, the fact that he was Japanese was a plus, not a negative, as in their culture for them to marry a westerner. I know that some families are way more traditional than others. I am studying Japanese very hard. This isn't easy here. I have not met a lot of Japanese--especially ones that are willing to teach. Japan is not just a country but a way of life. I plan on returning sometime next year, but this time for a month. I want to have an open schedule to visit places and do things, including a trip to an onsen. I have other friends in Japan who are willing to share their culture. I was just amazed at how many more gaijin men are attracted to Asian women than the other way around. I am a minority.

To be honest I would be very careful firstly in meeting someone over the internet! and secondly, you are running away from your problems. You think that because you have had "bad luck" with US men that Japanese men will be the man in shining armour!! well, you're wrong. I know what you are thinking.

Many women in the US have bad luck with men and it goes the other way around as well. The US man is far better than the Japanese all up. This is a fact.

perhaps as I said before you should look at yourself. Try to improve yourself. You said you are overweight, then go on a diet...go to the gym....do aerobics......get your hair done. Build up some confidence.
You see I'm married to a Korean woman. She is very great. BUT a lot of white guys go out with Asian women because quite frankly they couldn't get a woman back home unless she looked like a whale!!!
Do something about yourself first.

I'm not being nasty or mean but honestly trying to help you out.
please believe me.
 

budd

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so wait a minute... *can't finish -- laughing too hard*
edit (for the ladies): i am laughing about the last post, not the whole thread
 

neko_girl22

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Re: do something about yourself!

Originally posted by suntory
The US man is far better than the Japanese all up. This is a fact.

WOA----!
Someone who would write that I think is not worth replying to....
but inside I am boiling
GRRRR

:eek:

You think that because you have had "bad luck" with US men that Japanese men will be the man in shinning armour!!

although you are right that some people do run away from their own country to find love in Japan it is NOT fair to say everybody does that. Surely you, married to an Asian woman should be more sensitive to that, or perhaps we can say it's correct in your case too?

I believe she knows what she's getting into
Japanese men are harder to get to know, but for the most part, I believe them to be sincere.
and deserves our help and some kindness!
 

suntory

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Re: Re: do something about yourself!

Originally posted by nzueda
WOA----!
Someone who would write that I think is not worth replying to....
but inside I am boiling
GRRRR

BUT YOU DID REPLY. ANYHOW IT'S TRUE! OVERALL AMERICAN MEN ARE FAR BETTER. NOT IN EVERY CASE BUT OVERALL. I MEAN IT'S NOT HARD WE ARE TALKING ABOUT JAPANESE MEN HERE NOT GREEK GOD`S!
BTW WHY IS YOUR BLOOD BOILING? IF YOU SAID THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAID I WOULD LAUGH!!
YES, THE TRUTH DOES ANGER!!



Originally posted by nzueda although you are right that some people do run away from their own country to find love in Japan it is NOT fair to say everybody does that. Surely you, married to an Asian woman should be more sensitive to that, or perhaps we can say it's correct in your case too?

I believe she knows what she's getting into

I DIDN'T SAY "EVERYBODY" SO READ WHAT I SAY AND THEN REPLY.

and deserves our help and some kindness!
 

kirei_na_me

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First, learn to post so we can figure out what you're saying. You put your entire reply within the quote so it looks like it's just that--a quote.

Thank goodness I didn't have to run to Japan to marry my husband. We just met by chance at work and I didn't marry him because he was Japanese. I think anyone who does marry someone just because they're of some particular nationality is narrow-minded along with a few other things...

I think the deal is that some of the guys are jealous that some women marry Japanese guys. They want to rag on the Western women for being whales or whatever(which many of us are not, by the way), but then when the Western women date or marry a Japanese guy(or a guy of any other race other than what they are), they don't like that either.

And the US man is better than a Japanese man? Making a generalised statement like that is very unwise.

You know what? I see far more men abandoning their wives and leaving them with children and no child support in the US than it happens in Japan. You can say what you will about Japanese men, but I believe all in all, they are more responsible/prideful than some of their Western couterparts. They're going to take care of what is theirs and they're likely not going to leave you in the cold. It is part of their mentality that they might rather die than not provide for their family, but in some ways, that's a better way to be.
 
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kirei_na_me

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Interesting...

I just came across this article at Asahi...

MATCH PLAY: Japanese males in hot demand among women from the West​


By KIMBERLY PALMER, Asahi Shimbun News Service

Blue mood-lighting, slow R&B music and trays of party food make Deep Blue, a bar behind the Almond Cafe in Tokyo's Roppongi, look like any other happy hour venue. But instead of the normal mix of Japanese and foreigners in this section of town known for its internationalism, all of the women are Western, and all of the men are Japanese.

They came here on a Sunday night in late January and coughed up the 5,000 yen fee for men and 2,000 yen for women for one reason: to meet each other.

``I have never dated Japanese men, and I don't know them well, so I would like to learn more about them,'' says one French woman, who asked not to be named.

Professionals in the international romance industry have long focused on matching Japanese women with Western men. But they are now targeting the rising demand of hooking up Western women with Japanese men.

This new trend can be explained partly by numbers: Government statistics show the number of registered foreigners from North America and Europe grew more than 10 per cent in the last decade.

Moreover, the number of foreign women entering Japan rose 7 per cent between 1999 and 2000, reaching almost 2.5 million in 2000. Surveys from the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, show the number of Japanese men marrying foreign women jumped from 0.2 per cent of total marriages in 1970 to 3.5 per cent in 2000.

``There's a big demand,'' says James Gibbs, host of the Deep Blue party host and Jobsinjapan.com founder. His first event aimed exclusively at matching up Western women and Japanese men, and he has another party planned later this month.

Other romance industry professionals are adapting to the new market. John Miller, Tokyo director of Transpacific Marriage Agency (TMA), says he has started catering more to Western women looking for Japanese men by co-sponsoring parties and making TMA's online dating services more appealing to Western women. TMA's Websites, <www.dating-club.org> and <www.tma-marriage.com>, currently feature photos of Western women as clients. Miller says he is trying to get more Western women to join.

As with many dating groups and parties, men sign up in greater numbers than women.

``The Japanese men are always asking, `How many foreign ladies will be there?' and most of those specify Western women,'' Gibbs says.

He estimates 60 to 70 per cent of phone calls from Japanese men ask about foreign women.

Although he says, he thinks Western women are interested, attracting them to his parties is difficult because women are less likely to use dating services in general.

Caroline Pover, author of ``Being A Broad in Japan,'' says Western women tend to avoid dating parties because events for Western women and Japanese men are new and still rare.

``There's an assumption that (dating parties) are going to be filled with Western men and Japanese women who want to meet up,'' she says.

But that doesn't mean Western women aren't interested.

Based on her interviews with more than 200 Western women in Japan, Pover says an increase in dating between Japanese men and Western women makes sense because more Western women are here and stay for longer periods of time.

``Foreign women's attraction to Japanese men tends to increase with time as they live here longer,'' she says, attributing the trend to normal cultural acclimation. Stereotypes fading

Sachiko Masuda, assistant professor of cross-cultural communication at Kyoto's Ritsumeikan University, agrees that trend is linked to the recent tendency for more Western women to stay in Japan for extended periods. But she says there are also historical roots.

Western men were the first to come to Japan when the nation opened up after the Edo Period (1603-1867), so romances between Western men and Japanese women started earlier than those involving Japanese men and Western women.

In her research into gender stereotypes, she looked at 22 postwar Hollywood movies: she found two cases of romance between Japanese men and Western women and 13 cases involving Japanese women and Western men.

``People view the West as masculine and the East as feminine, which is reflected in the popularity of Western male-Japanese female relationships. This stereotype continues today, but it is changing little by little,'' Masuda says.

Pover's ``Being A Broad'' e-mail list is one sign of that change. Founded in November 1999, it often includes tips on dating culture and where to meet potential Japanese partners. The list, which currently has about 200 members, has grown from less than 30 e-mail messages exchanged per month to more than 300.

``A lot more women are interested (in dating Japanese men) than people think. There are quite a lot of foreign women who find Asian men very attractive,'' she says.

Still, finding a mate isn't always easy, a problem these dating services hope to capitalize on.

Living in a rural Japanese town, Kate O'Reilly (not her real name), a 29-year-old translator from the United States, couldn't find a man.

``Japanese men rarely approach foreign women. My theory is that a possible language barrier keeps many men from even thinking about it,'' along with a fear of rejection, she says.

``Many Japanese men don't think an attractive foreign woman would give them the time of day. Would you please tell them that they're wrong? I would love to be approached by a Japanese man for once. Initiative is beautiful,'' she says.

She might have to wait.

Naoki Suzuki (not his real name), 25, speaks fluent English and is interested in dating Western women. But he says approaching them is intimidating.

``A typical place to go meet foreign women would be Roppongi, but you have to be the kind of person who enjoys that kind of scene. Also, we're used to meeting only Japanese people, so approaching different women can be confusing and scary,'' he says.

But the cultural differences are what many Western women find appealing. ``I generally find Japanese men to be considerate, serving my plate at restaurants, carrying heavy bags and asking if I'm cold,'' says one American woman in her mid-30s. ``Needless to say, (they are) beautiful.''

She came to Japan more than 10 years ago with her American husband. After that relationship dissolved, she started to ``much prefer dating Japanese men to Western men.''

American Esther Hirschman (not her real name) met her current Japanese boyfriend at a Latin club in Roppongi. She says her Japanese boyfriends tend to be more open to discussions about children and commitment.

``I feel like it's OK to be a little needier than I would with Western guys, who are prone to turning pale and running if you mention you want to spend more time together,'' says the 30-year-old translation editor.

A 37-year-old independent contractor, Alison Carlson, found her Japanese boyfriends to be better listeners than her American ones.

``On the whole, the Japanese guys I have dated don't interrupt me as much as American men do. Also, I am petite and not tall, so it's been nice not always to be looking at the guy's chest and straining my neck,'' says Carlson (not her real name).

O'Reilly says she appreciates her relationships with Japanese men for ``the insight into the culture and language that dating these guys has given me. ... There are many things you just can't learn from textbooks or even platonic relationships that come up in romantic relationships.'' Cultural obstacles

But it is not always wine and roses. The cultural differences that some women adore can shatter relationships with others.

Vanessa Shelbourne (not her real name), a 24-year-old high school teacher from Canada, met a Japanese man at a 100-yen store.

``He just walked up to me and started talking about how much he liked the idea of a 100-yen store. Then he asked if he could take me out to dinner,'' she says.

On their first date, he had just returned from a business trip and gave her brand-name makeup. Although she understands that gift-giving, especially after trips, is an important part of Japanese culture, it made her uncomfortable. The relationship didn't go beyond that first date.

Another Canadian woman, who has lived in Tokyo for five years and dated Japanese men, says, ``You would be amazed at how inadept they are'' at understanding Western culture.

``Western women, for as much as they try to be modern, still want men to hold doors open for them and to be taken out to dinner. Only overseas men might know that,'' the Canadian says.

The Japanese work ethic can also get in the way. Hirschman is bothered by her Japanese boyfriend's long work hours.

``One thing I absolutely hate ... is the way people here are trapped in their jobs and obligations,'' she says.

Japanese views about family can create further obstacles for international couples, Pover says.

``In Japanese culture, the son's wife is supposed to care for ageing parents more than in Western culture, which affects foreign women more than foreign men,'' she says.

Japanese government statistics for 2000 show a 39 per cent divorce rate for Japanese men married to British and American women, slightly higher than the 33 per cent rate for Japanese married couples.

But many are still willing to take the risk.

At Gibbs' first party for Japanese men and Western women, cross-national sparks are flying.

Over red wine and beer, two French women start talking to three Japanese men in their mid-20s who say they want to meet foreign women so they can speak English together. ``We all have lived in foreign countries, and we love speaking English, but here it's hard to meet foreign women. They are kind of exotic,'' says one. Heart to heart

Two Japanese men sitting by themselves in the corner say they haven't met anyone new yet, but they remain optimistic.

``We're just looking. But it depends on her ability to speak Japanese. Western women are beautiful to us because they are different. ... Their hearts we don't know,'' one of the men says. By 8:30 p.m., about 30 customers have arrived. Gibbs is having trouble keeping up with the drink orders. A few Western women and Japanese men have matched up and spoken Japanese and English in groups at separate tables.

Although Gibbs says 30 is still too small a number for much romantic or financial success, he quickly adds that his parties for Japanese women and Western men also started off slowly. Now, those gatherings easily attract more than 100 people and earn him at least 100,000 yen each time.

``There's a market for this. I'm going to keep doing it for the next five years,'' Gibbs says. ``It will likely take several months before word gets around, and I have to see if the Japanese guys will put their money where their mouth is. They've been clamouring for this in large numbers for years and years.''

Some women say the difficulties experienced in being part of an international match are well worth it.

Of her current relationship, Carlson says, ``The fact that I can have such a profound relationship with a Japanese, that we can see each other as people and not as an American and Japanese, is just a wonderful thing.''


Source: http://www.asahi.com/english/weekend/K2002021700121.htm
 
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