Yours is OK because it is completely understandable.
But I think it is somehow too simple, and the word "hatred" could be misunderstood (who/why does man need to hate?).
I have changed it from "hate" to "be hated" (When a man learns to love, he must also bear the risk of being hated".
I think this is the intention of the original phrase. Loving someone means taking a risk: the other person could not love me back. The other person could hate me. My friends or family could might not agree with my choice of partner, so they could hate me for choosing someone. I think this is what the original phrase is pointing out: loving someone means accepting the risks.
Anyway, this is why we need a native speaker to validate.