Are Japanese People Too Polite To Be Your Friends?

[Megumi Kimoto]

A friend of mine lamented that Japanese people give him the cold shoulder in the end. He claims that in the beginning the Japanese people are polite and kind, but when you try to get closer, they stop becoming any closer.
My friend was born in India, mastered the Japanese language to perfection, came to Tokyo for work, got disappointed with the lack of intimacy with Japanese people, and married an Indian girl from his hometown.
Do you share the same opinion? Even if you try to fit in, do the Japanese people make you feel lonely? Or do you enjoy candid and authentic relationships with the Japanese people?

 

[tokapi]

I think this is a very complicated issue.Like all other ethnicities,Japanese have their likes and dislikes when come to people.One acquainted Taiwanese friend said to me that there are some Japanese individuals ( in Japan ) don't like Taiwanese rather have Filippinos for friends.She's even aware of Japanese chicks frequent local " pubs " just to meet black guys.

Ordinary Japanese do have great preference to meet and get to know Western people.I posed the question to Makiko and discussed in depth about it,her answer was " it's natural that people like to seek out nationalities are diferent from them ".

Most of my Japanese-speaking Taiwan friends said it's true that average Japanese are polite and friendly but they tend to keep you at a distance.Only exception would be you and them befriended at school and share some interests.

For Asians,negative experiences with Japanese outweigh the positive.

 

[Emoni]

There is some truth to this... I'm not going to go too deep into speculation, but I can say whenever I'm in Japan it is much easier to make friends with Chinese and Korean students (I'm speaking of the Japanese language speakers) than any Japanese students. There is a STRONG sense of that wall that exists between Japanese... "in general." However, there are plenty of Japanese who I'm quite close too as well. That wall definitely exists though.

 

[kirei_na_me]

I think it's very true. That's all I can say. I pretty much agree wholeheartedly with that. All Japanese people I've encountered are very polite and friendly, but usually, there is no depth. There's generally nothing more than small talk. I think the Japanese are scared of letting the wall down. They are scared of sharing their true emotions, for fear of being judged, then rejected. As I hear all the time, and what is supposed to explain everything, "Japan is a small island country, you know".

 

[KirinMan]

All Japanese people I've encountered are very polite and friendly, but usually, there is no depth. There's generally nothing more than small talk.

I agree with the small talk part, many things stay superficial.

I have also found that alcohol helps to break down some of the walls and assists in getting people here to talk more about their feelings.

 

[Megumi Kimoto]

I have lived in this country for 49 years. In my experience, Japanese people do not express their feelings even among themselves. I suspect this is because they are always repressing their emotions. Unconsciously, maybe. My theory is that that is the secret behind the rapid economic growth - by repressing spontaneous feelings, people can work so hard without complaining.

I am writing this because I feel that some people in this Forum seem to have an idealized image of Japan. But this country has a pathetic side.

 

[Ashikaga]

I am writing this because I feel that some people in this Forum seem to have an idealized image of Japan. But this country has a pathetic side.

I wonder where you got that impression. I have been on this forum for about 5 months now and what I have seen is the exact opposite. There are people on this forum who have not spent much time (if at all) in Japan yet have a very negative image of Japan. It seems to me that those who have spent considerable amount of time in Japan and have a better understanding of the country, its culture and its people, tend to have a more balanced, realistic view about this country, and their views are reflected in their posts. I don't think you have to worry about people on here missing "the pathetic side" as you have put it.

While I do see your point about the people who supressed their "emotions" and helped the economic growth of this country, I think that the notion of Japanese people being "too polite to be your friends" is a bit ridiculous. I am sure some of the members who are married to Japanese people can tell you.

 

[Goldiegirl]

Well....my husband can be "too" nice and polite. It can get on my nerves very quickly. I just tell him to "spit it out", just say what you are really thinking....he tends to try and avoid any real conflict or arguments, but I question as to whether that truly makes him happy. He is too nice to too many people, and it seems to me he allows himself to be take advantage of. So yes, I do think Japanese can be too polite. Do I think the nation s full of polite, nice people...nope, some of the rudest things have been said and done to me in Japan. Overall though, it's a cool country.....

 

[KirinMan]

While I do see your point about the people who supressed their "emotions" and helped the economic growth of this country, I think that the notion of Japanese people being "too polite to be your friends" is a bit ridiculous. I am sure some of the members who are married to Japanese people can tell you

lol here! I will just have to remind my wife if the fact next time she ******* at me for not taking the garbage out on time...........

But honey Japanese people are supposed to be polite......​

As the fry pan comes flying across the room and smacks me in the head.

 

[Kirakira1232]

lol here! I will just have to remind my wife if the fact next time she ******* at me for not taking the garbage out on time...........

But honey Japanese people are supposed to be polite......​

As the fry pan comes flying across the room and smacks me in the head.

LOL this just made me smile for some reason

 

[Megumi Kimoto]

I think that the notion of Japanese people being "too polite to be your friends" is a bit ridiculous. I am sure some of the members who are married to Japanese people can tell you.

My concern is whether it takes more efforts to make friends in Japan than in other countries. I think it is important to feel connected with other people around you to feel welcomed. But as long as Japanese people stick to their superficial politeness when you are with them, no real connection is made.

 

[FrustratedDave]

My concern is whether it takes more efforts to make friends in Japan than in other countries. I think it is important to feel connected with other people around you to feel welcomed. But as long as Japanese people stick to their superficial politeness when you are with them, no real connection is made.

What, the fact that you actually have work at a friendship is what bothers you?
In my experience, once you get past all the initial politeness and you make an effort at your friendship, you will have a true friend for life. The main people I see complaining about what your are , have a fundamental lack of understanding about Japanese and how things work here. In all your 49 years if you have not made any true friends, I think you should have a look at yourself. No offence intended.

lol here! I will just have to remind my wife if the fact next time she ******* at me for not taking the garbage out on time...........

But honey Japanese people are supposed to be polite......​

As the fry pan comes flying across the room and smacks me in the head.

Or a coffee mug... Dodgeball comes to mind.

 

[alantin]

I think point of view also plays a big part in this.

What do people expect? What is intimate? And what is friendship?

My culture is very similar to japanese in that people don't tend to let other people close very easily. I spent a relatively short time in Japan, but in that time when in contact with japanese people I experienced what I would pretty much expect in my home country (although with added politeness..), but building a friendship takes years of work. Spending time together, common interests, hobbies, etc., and you wouldn't share your inmost thoughts with just anybody..

Getting "mates" or "pals" in Japan is in my (limited) experience even easier than here due to the "western coolness" but majority of those things are bound to stay superficial.

Just my 2c. ^^

 

[tada]

I'm used to it. We have the same thing in the Seattle Area (known as the "Seattle Freeze"), so this won't be much of an adjustment.

 

[Chidoriashi]

My thinking is that many people mistake Japanese being very polite, as an act of friendliness or friendship. Thus, they may at first get the idea that the door is open for becoming good pals with that person, when in reality they have just misconstrued the Japanese persons behavior. This then results in the impression that Japanese are hard to get close to because "the door was open, the opportunity was there" but when the friendship never blossoms the foreigner walks away a little confused and probably with the kind of impression of Japanese people the OP is talking about.

 

[Megumi Kimoto]

I'm used to it. We have the same thing in the Seattle Area (known as the "Seattle Freeze"), so this won't be much of an adjustment.

Seattle ranks the highest in suicide rate in the U.S.
And Japan also ranks the highest among industrialized nations in suicide rate.
Here is the data of WHO.
Male suicide rate per 100,000
LITHUANIA 70.1
BELARUS 63.3
RUSSIAN FEDERATION 61.6
KAZAKHSTAN 51
HUNGARY 44.9
SRI LANKA 44.6
UKRAINE 43
LATVIA 42.9
GUYANA 42.5
SLOVENIA 37.9
JAPAN 35.6
ESTONIA 35.5
REPUBLIC OF KOREA 32.5
FINLAND 31.7
BELGIUM 31.2
CROATIA 30.2
REPUBLIC OF MOLDOVA 29.3
SERBIA AND MONTENEGRO 28.8
POLAND 27.9
FRANCE 27.5
AUSTRIA 26.1
CZECH REPUBLIC 25.9
CHINA (Hong Kong SAR) 25.2
URUGUAY 24.5
SWITZERLAND 23.7
SLOVAKIA 23.6
LUXEMBOURG 21.9
ROMANIA 21.5
TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO 20.9
CUBA 20.3
BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA 20.3
NEW ZEALAND 19.8
BULGARIA 19.7
GERMANY 19.7
SWEDEN 19.5
DENMARK 19.2
CANADA 18.3
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 17.9
SURINAME 17.8
CHILE 17.8
ICELAND 17.7
PORTUGAL 17.5
AUSTRALIA 17.1
IRELAND 16.3
NORWAY 15.8
KYRGYZSTAN 15
ARGENTINA 14.1
TURKMENISTAN 13.8
BELIZE 13.4
CHINA (selected rural & urban areas) 13
NETHERLANDS 12.7
MAURITIUS 12.7
SPAIN 12.6
SINGAPORE 12.5
INDIA 12.2
EL SALVADOR 12.2
COSTA RICA 12.1
THAILAND 12
ITALY 11.4
PANAMA 11.1
NICARAGUA 11
PUERTO RICO 10.9
UNITED KINGDOM 10.8
ZIMBABWE 10.6
SAINT LUCIA 10.4
ISRAEL 10.4
TFYR MACEDONIA 9.5
SEYCHELLES 9.1
ECUADOR 8.6
VENEZUELA 8.4
COLOMBIA 8.2
UZBEKISTAN 8.1
MALTA 7
BRAZIL 6.8
SAINT VINCENT AND THE GRENADINES 6.8
MEXICO 6.7
BAHAMAS 6
GREECE 5.2
BAHRAIN 4.9
ALBANIA 4.7
PARAGUAY 4.5
GEORGIA 3.4
GUATEMALA 3.4
ARMENIA 3.2
TAJIKISTAN 2.9
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC 2.9
PHILIPPINES 2.5
KUWAIT 2.5
AZERBAIJAN 1.8
BARBADOS 1.4
PERU 1.1
IRAN 0.3
JAMAICA 0.3
SYRIAN ARAB REPUBLIC 0.2
EGYPT 0.1
SAO TOME AND PRINCIPE 0
ANTIGUA AND BARBUDA 0
HAITI 0
HONDURAS 0
JORDAN 0
SAINT KITTS AND NEVIS 0
kirei_na_me wrote, "the Japanese are scared of letting the wall down. They are scared of sharing their true emotions, for fear of being judged, then rejected." I suspect this is because Japanese people have low self-esteem.

 

[Ashikaga]

kirei_na_me wrote, "the Japanese are scared of letting the wall down. They are scared of sharing their true emotions, for fear of being judged, then rejected." I suspect this is because Japanese people have low self-esteem.

Do you have any friends who are Japanese or are they just "too polite" to be your friends?

I understand that you have some sort of disdain toward Japanese people from whtever your personal experience has been in your 49 years here but it might be that very negative outlook that prevents true friendship from developing. Being able to see only the good side of things is a problem and so is the opposite.

 

[tada]

Seattle ranks the highest in suicide rate in the U.S.

It's not quite the highest. The cities with the highest suicide rates are Las Vegas and other major gambling cities. However, I bet Seattle is near the top.

 

[Taiko666]

Or a coffee mug... Dodgeball comes to mind.

Wow... all these DV stories :-( I've never understood why people think they're funny. My Japanese ex-ex g/f was wont to throw things at me, so I quickly showed her the door.

As for the OP's question... At first I agreed, but then gave the matter some more thought. I think it's easy to get the impression that one's Japanese friendships are shallow because it's exceedingly easy, as a reasonably well-adjusted foreigner, to make many such friendships. It's often the case that initially, your new Japanese friend is attracted to your foreignness. When that novelty wears off you can get a better idea of how suited you are. I've made a number of 'true' Japanese friends, but my phonebook is stuffed full of people with whom I've had a lot of fun but will perhaps never see again. It's the 'turnover' of acquaintances which may lead to the impression that your Japanese friends are shallow.

 

[Megumi Kimoto]

I define a true friend as someone with whom you can talk about your family secrets and someone who sees you as who you really are. I am a Japanese. My best friend is my husband, who is also a Japanese. He is OK. My second best friend is a Japanese housewife, who recently developed bipolar disorder and now she is on medication. (I am writing about this because ASHIKAGA asked me whether I have any Japanese friends.)
My occupation involves contacts with people from other countries, who I perceive are more assertive and more expressive than Japanese people.
I have mixed feelings about Japan. All good things people in this Forum mentioned are true. But I am surrounded by too many pathetic people, and I am wondering if my situation is exceptional.

 

[FrustratedDave]

Wow... all these DV stories :-( I've never understood why people think they're funny. My Japanese ex-ex g/f was wont to throw things at me, so I quickly showed her the door.

Taiko, real DV is not something to laugh about, but lets face it the above comments were obviously made in jest. I would expect a coffee mug comming my way after comming home drunk after an office party and demanding another beer from the wife....

I define a true friend as someone with whom you can talk about your family secrets and someone who sees you as who you really are. I am a Japanese. My best friend is my husband, who is also a Japanese. He is OK. My second best friend is a Japanese housewife, who recently developed bipolar disorder and now she is on medication. (I am writing about this because ASHIKAGA asked me whether I have any Japanese friends.)
My occupation involves contacts with people from other countries, who I perceive are more assertive and more expressive than Japanese people.
I have mixed feelings about Japan. All good things people in this Forum mentioned are true. But I am surrounded by too many pathetic people, and I am wondering if my situation is exceptional.

Don't misinterpret foreign peoples assertiveness and ability to express their feelings as sincerity, as it can also be a sign of shallowness. Obviously you can't say this as a blanket statement, but it generally holds true. It takes a long time to really become true friends with anyone ,anywhere in the world. I know I have only a few true friends back where I used to live, I mean people who I would really share my deepest thoughts with.

I knew you were Japanese, but I was commenting on those who are not saying Japanese are challenged in the friendship department.

I tend agree with Ashikaga, the door swings both ways. You have to be positive in approch if you really want to make good friends with someone. Friendships really do require a lot of work.

 

[Chidoriashi]

Taiko 666> I totally agree........................................................... (twenty text rule)

 

[Megumi Kimoto]

It takes a long time to really become true friends with anyone ,anywhere in the world.
I agree on that.
Having said that, my theory is that it takes a tremendously longer time to get closer to people in Japan than in other countries because the Japanese tend to repress their own feelings.

 

[KirinMan]

I agree on that.
Having said that, my theory is that it takes a tremendously longer time to get closer to people in Japan than in other countries because the Japanese tend to repress their own feelings.

Tremendously???, interesting way of putting it.

I am curious to know what countries you are making the comparison to Japan with and what your definition of friendship is.

 

[Megumi Kimoto]

Tremendously???, interesting way of putting it.
I am curious to know what countries you are making the comparison to Japan with and what your definition of friendship is.

Good questions. The places I am comparing with are the Philippines, India, and California in the United States.
Definition of friends? There may be many types of friends from casual to intimate, but at least someone who does not show you a fake smile on a regular basis.