Help Understanding Japanese Women And Dating

[here_nor_there]

Let me see if I can get some help here.
I'm dating a Japanese female who's just moved here to Cali from Japan. It's my first time dating a Japanese female and I'm confused as to the cultural differences between Japanese and Western dating. I maybe under the wrong impression that Japanese women were "shyer" or more timid. But two things have led me to reconsider my misconception: 1) some articles that I have read about growing "female promiscuity" in Japan along with generational changes and western influences and 2) the sexual assertiveness of the girl I'm dating (she moved pretty fast for the first couple dates).

Some questions that I have are: 1) Is this "assertiveness" coming from a Japanese female normal? 2) What would be the normal progression of dating behavior for a Japanese female?

Bonus question: Is it also normal that Japanese girls get ahead of themselves when talking about relationships? (eg. Going to Japan to meet parents after a few dates?)

I know this seems like a lot to tackle but help me out.

 

[KirinMan]

1) some articles that I have read about growing "female promiscuity" in Japan along with generational changes and western influences and 2) the sexual assertiveness of the girl I'm dating (she moved pretty fast for the first couple dates).

First off I would suggest that you don't believe everything that you read. Just because you read something somewhere doesn't mean that covers all Japanese women, or for that matter any woman anywhere.

What do you consider to be "fast"? Could it be that the "other" girls that you had relationships with were "slow"? What are you basing that assumption on?

Some questions that I have are: 1) Is this "assertiveness" coming from a Japanese female normal?

What the heck is "normal"? What are you basing your cultural assumptions on? Have you dated other Japanese women that you can make a comparison with?

Bonus question: Is it also normal that Japanese girls get ahead of themselves when talking about relationships? (eg. Going to Japan to meet parents after a few dates?)

Once again what is "normal"? I get the impression that you have some preconceived ideas of what a "Japanese" or possibly "Asian" person or female is supposed to be like. Have you taken the time to take a look at what you find attractive about this girl? Are you happy with her?

Is it just an infatuation because she is Japanese?

Have you taken the "Japanese" out of the equation and looked at her as just a "female"? Think about that a minute, are you fascinated with her because she is a J-girl, or are you "in" to her because of who she is?

I suggest stop looking at this girl as Japanese, and just look at her as a woman. Plus I ask that you update your profile to give us here a better idea of how old you are and what your interests are. Thanks

 

[leonmarino]

Hm.. I think it very much depends on the person, but lemme share my experiences..

Later. Got to go now!!

 

[KirinMan]

Hm.. I think it very much depends on the person, but lemme share my experiences..
Later. Got to go now!!

Nice....give the man a high five here!!!

 

[SushiShin]

Man, not every japanese girl/women is the same , they don't have all the same names and they don't all look the same and they don't have all the same ideas/mentions, and im glad for that! I've met a lot kinds of girls and im must still say the asian are the best. they're friendly and they're NOT shy and they have all a funny laugh. hihihi

In fact the only kind of girls that i like ARE asian girls. Why? I still don't know they satisfied me more and they make me more happyier then other kinds of girls i met before in my life. God Bless asian women! :romance:

 

[here_nor_there]

Obeika - The reason for my reference to her as "Japanese" is because that's what she is. Further, I feel I have to mention it because I want to know if there is a cultural difference between Japan dating and Western dating. It would be the same if I wanted to find out how French women date. But in this case, SHE IS JAPANESE and thus, I must refer to her as a "Japanese female". My thread is inteded to discuss cultural differences in dating. Please don't see too much into it. BTW, I've updated my profile per your request.

 

[made of stone]

First I'd like to welcome you here to Jref here_nor_there san. I hope you have a great time here, and that you'll find some sage advice to the questions you hope to have answered Have you browsed through the forum yet, or even tried a search? You may find lots of interesting info already posted, in addition to the answers you'll get here.

I only have a few minutes right now, but will try to pop back later to offer what humble advice I can.

Don't worry about Obeika's apparent slight grumpiness - he's a lovely fella once you get to know him! it was late Friday night in Japan when he posted - i'm sure from his avatar that he might have been tired from washing up so many beer glasses lol

And I'm sure you don't need to show your age and interests if you don't want to - they are merely optional fields when you sign up, and you obviously filled in all the obligatory fields otherwise you couldn't have got so far as posting a thread!

Still, it is nice to know more about people if they wish to share, and it does help us to understand more and possibly make it easier to give them advice, so some here will politely ask from time to time...

best of luck and hope to post back again later mos

 

[Mars Man]

I also would like to welcome you to JREF, here_nor_there san !! Please do take the time, as mos san has just suggested above, to check out similar threads here. Sometimes the search works well enough to get what you want, and sometimes not. Another way to activate the 'show threads from' box at the bottom of a main fora page to 'from the beginning', and then to simply go through the pages and check the titles.

You have some fairly valid questions, I would agree, and I can feel your desire to really know. I would hope to encourage you to continue with your research in this matter, as there is no easy answer. The questions that Obeika san seemed to be pointing towards, are very valid as well, you see.

Even with the bounds of nurture--as you surely know the old 'nurture or nature' arguments--you will find differences of personality traits due to the personal histories involved along with those special personal hereditary neurological/physical traits. Not every (Japanese' girl is gonna fall within the mean on that bell curve.

For that reason also, I'd suggest that you communicate more with that person--that particular girl--and try to discover her. Through that, I would tend to think that plausibly you could even discover a bit of what 'being Japanese female' may also mean. At least I would hope so.

I have been married twice. Both times--previously and now--were with girls of Japanese nationality and blood. Both were quite different, yet do have some overlap. I have known of situations where when (and not only Japanese) a woman is more desirous of getting married, she moves faster at first. There is a goal, and that is to marry. (we need not think of ulterior motives, but should be prepared for the possibilty.)

Please keep us informed on what you find out through communicating with us, and do take the 'heart' of what Obeika san has said, to heart. I look forward to hearing more from you !!

 

[KirinMan]

First off let me say this, if I offended you in any way I sincerely apologize, that was not my intent. I read your post at face value and thought to myself geez what is this guy asking here. Once again sorry about that.

Now then thanks for the clarification here, and update in your profile, I honestly got the impression that, from reading your OP here that I was returning a reply to a teenager. Sorry about that, that is my "mistake" not yours.

Obeika - The reason for my reference to her as "Japanese" is because that's what she is. Further, I feel I have to mention it because I want to know if there is a cultural difference between Japan dating and Western dating. It would be the same if I wanted to find out how French women date. But in this case, SHE IS JAPANESE and thus, I must refer to her as a "Japanese female". My thread is inteded to discuss cultural differences in dating. Please don't see too much into it. BTW, I've updated my profile per your request.

While she may be Japanese I might suggest first off to stop looking at her as Japanese. That may sound silly but if you stop and think about that a second you may understand what I am suggesting here.

I am going to assume that you have had relationships with other women as well right? Did things move along quickly with them too? Each person is different no matter the culture or country that they come from. Some people could come here and say hey Japanese girls are the fastest around or American's never , excuse the analogy here, never go to bed after the first date, as you probably know doesnt always happen.

Well at least for me I have experienced both in both countries.

Dating here, at least when I was dating, I am no longer dating as I am married, , ran pretty much similar to what it was like when I was dating in the states. We spent time together, did things together, talked a lot, and when the "time" came along that was agreeable to both we slept together. Why did it happen, I can only say it was because we both wanted it, and really it had nothing to do with cultures or cultural differences.

Your gf could also have ideas or preconceived thoughts about how American men want to date as well. Have you considered that? She may be thinking that this is what you want.

Best advice I could give you here is to talk about it. Discuss with her how you are feeling, if you think it's going to fast don't hurt her feelings but let her know what you think.

Personally I think that would work with anyone from anywhere.

 

[leonmarino]

So as I said earlier, I do too think that is very much depends on the person itself. However, I have had a similar experience with my current girlfriend. I also thought that she would be not so "assertive", but my experience was quite the opposite (and quite nice too I might add ).

With regard to meeting the parents/making plans for the future: I have experienced several times that a Japanese came to Holland and decided to get married pretty quickly (say, within a few months). My girlfriend too, although I haven't proposed or talked about it formally, I bet she wouldn't mind getting married, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have mind getting married after the first few dates.

When I spoke to some people in Japan about it, it seems to me that in Japan it is much more common to get married quick. Whereas in Holland it is customary to date and eventually live together a few years, I have heard that in Japan "waiting too long to see whether it's a match worth a marriage" is seen as a lack of commitment. I'm not sure if my fellow posters agree with my last statement though, I'm curious about their opinion.

Your gf could also have ideas or preconceived thoughts about how American men want to date as well. Have you considered that? She may be thinking that this is what you want.

This is actually an excellent point!! I was once told an excellent example of miscommunication between an American sailor and an English lady, in which the initial hug, which was meant as a way of greeting by the American sailor, led the English lady to believe that he was very much into her. The English lady changed her behavior, skipping a few steps of engagement, which made the sailor believe that she was very "easy" if you know what I mean. One thing led to another and both were talking about marriage although both didn't intend to do so initially!!

 

[KirinMan]

When I spoke to some people in Japan about it, it seems to me that in Japan it is much more common to get married quick.

Interesting perception here, I know people who have been "dating" each other for nearly 10 years or more as well. Everyone expects them to get married and the odd's are damn near 100% they will, it's just that they are waiting until they both get hired into stable full-time jobs before they do.

Which btw is really not that uncommon here either. Waiting to get married until the couple is financially ready for it. That's not really a bad idea.

Oh and if you want a laugh, read this link about "Marrying a Japanese Girl"

MARRYING A JAPANESE GIRL !

There is some serious bs in that link but the saddest part is that some people may read it and believe it to be "fact". There is a kernel of truth here and there but overall please read it as a joke.

 

[GodEmperorLeto]

While she may be Japanese I might suggest first off to stop looking at her as Japanese. That may sound silly but if you stop and think about that a second you may understand what I am suggesting here.

Thinking of her as Japanese can be a useful tool in trying to understand how she thinks and what she feels... but only so far as you already see her as an individual and her "Japaneseness" is but one of many traits that make her that individual.

[QUOTESome people could come here and say hey Japanese girls are the fastest around or American's never , excuse the analogy here, never go to bed after the first date, as you probably know doesnt always happen.[/QUOTE]
This statement made me seriously think. Personally I don't go to bed on the first date, nor the second or third, really, until I know the person really well, and am in a rather committed relationship.

Nevertheless, when it comes to American men, I have to say we run the entire gamut, from guys who try to get somewhere on the first date, to guys who intend to remain chaste until marriage. Girls are the same exact way. It also depends on what someone is looking for, where you met (bar, nightclub, coffee shop, etc.), and loads of other variables. I can't think of a single standard Americans go by, and I must honestly assume that it is the same exact way for people from other countries.

I have a friend in Russia that says that Russians almost always have sex on the second date (90%). Now, he's over there and he would know, but I must say, there are lies, damn lies, and statistics. Even if you look at a broad-based study of people from all over a country and from different religions or walks of life, you'll still find people who all have different expectations and behaviors.

Your gf could also have ideas or preconceived thoughts about how American men want to date as well. Have you considered that? She may be thinking that this is what you want.

This is an incredibly fascinating concept, and I really should try to get an idea of what foreign perceptions of American men are like. I get the impression that by Asian women we are viewed as cowboys who are romantic but conniving horn-dogs. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if I was totally wrong...

Best advice I could give you here is to talk about it. Discuss with her how you are feeling, if you think it's going to fast don't hurt her feelings but let her know what you think.
Personally I think that would work with anyone from anywhere.

Communication is essential to any relationship. Period. Right on, Obeika.

Whereas in Holland it is customary to date and eventually live together a few years...

In the U.S. that is pretty standard among people of my age group and education/income bracket.

I was once told an excellent example of miscommunication between an American sailor and an English lady...

Where did you hear this? When did the story take place? This sounds like a really interesting case study and it would be interesting to get more details on it.

By the way, I find it interesting that Americans hug members of the opposite sex a lot. Really a lot. It is meaningful, but much less so than, say, a kiss.

Personally, I don't like getting hugged unless it really means something. Like the comedian Gallagher says, "Honey, don't you kick my tires if you ain't gonna drive me home."

Oh and if you want a laugh, read this link about "Marrying a Japanese Girl"

Is this site for real? .... Oh my God, this site is for real! The hilarity of it is... beyond description. It is almost like some sort of player's manual as to why/how you should date East Asian women.

 

[DoctorP]

How to answer your question truthfully without offending someone? Hmmmm?

No way to do it, so here goes...Japanese women are a tad bit more promiscuous than your average American woman. I'm not implying that they are easy, but in Japan, casual sex is just that, casual sex. If she is into you, then yes, it may just lead into the "meeting the parents" talk and what not.

My question to you is this: If you are intimidated by the "meeting the parents" talk, then why in the world would you consider sleeping with this girl? (Not sure if you have already, and it is not important!)

Each woman, no matter their nationality, has their own way of looking at life. If I were you, I would just be thankful that she fell into my lap! (I'm sure that you are)

 

[here_nor_there]

Thanks for the insights.

 

[Silverbackman]

Do Japanese women think all American men are of white/European origin? Or in other words, do Japanese women expect only to get with a white man when they date Americans? How are they towards other ethnicities such as black/African, Arab, Indian, and even other Asian men of American origin?

 

[Mike Cash]

Oh and if you want a laugh, read this link about "Marrying a Japanese Girl"
MARRYING A JAPANESE GIRL !

There is some serious bs in that link but the saddest part is that some people may read it and believe it to be "fact". There is a kernel of truth here and there but overall please read it as a joke.

The saddest part is that people might not spot the prose style as being 19th century and correctly guess that the lame-a$$ed site has lifted the text from a book from the 1870s.

 

[KirinMan]

Do Japanese women think all American men are of white/European origin? Or in other words, do Japanese women expect only to get with a white man when they date Americans? How are they towards other ethnicities such as black/African, Arab, Indian, and even other Asian men of American origin?

Can't speak for the Japanese men or women as I am neither, however I have had a number of Japanese friends that married black men and men that are Indian. They no longer live here in Japan because their children were sadly subject to some pretty serious bullying and racism.

The parents of the Japanese women were very sad to lose their daughters and son-in-laws as they were some truly decent men. Society gave them the literal s**t sandwich.

However not all have bad experiences, yet many do have more problems or difficulties than the children of caucasian and Japanese parents. Not to say that they don't have troubles either.

The saddest part is that people might not spot the prose style as being 19th century and correctly guess that the lame-a$$ed site has lifted the text from a book from the 1870s

What's even worse is if you take a look at the Asian Girls Dating Index Page It has "advice" for meeting girls from all over Asia, here is a quote from the page about girls from Thailand....

Nowhere on Earth are women as fun-loving and charming as in Thailand. Somehow Thai girls manage to be sweet and demure too.
If you add to this their natural beauty, amazingly soft skin, long silky hair and ultra-feminine looks, you have a combination which is totally irresistible.
Thai girls tend to be sociable, well-adjusted girls – even when raised in poverty. Large families and cramped conditions have created a race of girls who are very easy to live with.
Perhaps the best thing about having a Thai girlfriend is her fun-loving nature. If you can adapt to her sense of humour, you will enjoy a happier and more playful relationship than you ever had with a any western woman.

 

[leonmarino]

Where did you hear this? When did the story take place? This sounds like a really interesting case study and it would be interesting to get more details on it.

A guest lecturer of Cross Cultural Management told this story. I couldn't find anything about it on the internet, so I'm afraid I can't provide you a source.

 

[GodEmperorLeto]

The saddest part is that people might not spot the prose style as being 19th century and correctly guess that the lame-a$$ed site has lifted the text from a book from the 1870s.

Wait, I really didn't know. What book is this? Does that make me a lame-a$$ myself?

The parents of the Japanese women were very sad to lose their daughters and son-in-laws as they were some truly decent men. Society gave them the literal s**t sandwich.

Actually, Japanese schools are one of the reason some of my Japanese friends want their kids to go to American schools. This surprised the heck out of me at first, until I read some of Maciamo's articles/posts on Japanese schools, and heard first-hand accounts of what school in Japan is like.

Social pressure and academic pressure (what with cram schools and all) were also part of the reason they wanted their kids in American schools. Nevertheless, I've read too much John Taylor Gatto to not suggest they go the private-school route.

A guest lecturer of Cross Cultural Management told this story. I couldn't find anything about it on the internet, so I'm afraid I can't provide you a source.

Darn. This sort of thing really interests me. Comparative history is a sort of hobby of mine, and because of it, cross-cultural exchange and comparison is also something I'm really into.

 

[fria]

Let me see if I can get some help here.
I'm dating a Japanese female who's just moved here to Cali from Japan. It's my first time dating a Japanese female and I'm confused as to the cultural differences between Japanese and Western dating. I maybe under the wrong impression that Japanese women were "shyer" or more timid. But two things have led me to reconsider my misconception: 1) some articles that I have read about growing "female promiscuity" in Japan along with generational changes and western influences and 2) the sexual assertiveness of the girl I'm dating (she moved pretty fast for the first couple dates).
Some questions that I have are: 1) Is this "assertiveness" coming from a Japanese female normal? 2) What would be the normal progression of dating behavior for a Japanese female?
Bonus question: Is it also normal that Japanese girls get ahead of themselves when talking about relationships? (eg. Going to Japan to meet parents after a few dates?)
I know this seems like a lot to tackle but help me out.

perhaps you were exposed to girls who are used to city life and are exposed to western culture.

 

[Confused781]

They are not shy?? Well they would make you believe they are and I think lot of them are but that is not saying if you make fast moves with them they wont comply as the two times I tried I had no problems. If you are looking for Marriage material be very very careful. I learned my lesson but its a little late now that I'm married its a depressing experience for me I feel as if she is just a roomate.

 

[pauro12]

I suggest knowing the woman herself, and ask her about their culture and stuffs. In that way, you will get to know each other, and will know exactly what she wants to be treated. Because, if sort of you will throw that question on some other people like in this forum, our answer may not coincide of what really is that she wants. By the way, if you think it's kind of weird to ask about this to her, saying in a nice way and with good usage of words will actually fix the problem.

 

[Lestat84]

Seriously dude, why even ask this question? I don't mean to be rude, but honestly you don't need to consider her a special way because she's Japanese. Just treat her well with respect and kindness, be chivalrous and polite and just a gentleman. Women generally appreciate a true gentleman and a man who will treat her with kindness and respect. Just like her for who she is as a person, and if there is chemistry between you two, she will reciprocate this behavior and this will bridge any cultural gap you might have. If things don't go well if you try all this then you just aren't right for each other and that's that. There's only so much you can do with any woman. It doesn't matter where she's from if things work or do not.

 

[Mark of Zorro]

Might be the first time I have seen a thread twice resurrected. Not complaining though, the topic is eternal. Just sayin. Started 2007, died, one post 2010, died, now 2013.

But anyway, what is shy? Is a woman shy if she makes none of the moves, but allows herself to be bedded in one or two dates with zero embarrassment about it? Is a woman shy if she makes half the moves at first then acts all coy? Seems to me that the word "shy" is not universally defined the same. Well, I think shy is a general and personal feeling that may or may not be detected by others.. I am shy, but its up to me to make the moves, so I do. When I tell people I am shy they often don't believe it. But I have just learned to roll with it and hide it. Its a lot like feeling scared. It does not make you a coward. Fear can keep you alive through the bravest things you ever did. Those who don't feel fear are often more foolish than brave. Those who are not shy can be very boorish.