what does he really want?

[Goldiegirl]

Ok, this is the first time for me to post a new thread so here goes...

I am engaged to a very wonderful Japanese man. We get along so well and have a great time with one another. My only concern is that I am not always sure of what he wants to do...for instance he never makes a straight forward request or demand. He may say in passing that he thinks a place is intersesting...I have to clarify the situation and kind of feel out if he wants to go there or not. If I want to go and do something I just come out and ask. It is just very hard to get a direct answer or opinion. Is his behaviour typical? I sometimes feel bossy or that I have to much control over everything because he will always agree with me. I know very little about Japanese culture and am learning most of what I know on JREF...so please forgive me if this has been covered.

 

[nice gaijin]

You know him better than we do, you are better suited to tell us whether this is typical behavior for him. Do you expect him to magically change after the wedding? What I've found from having a Japanese significant other is that more often than not they are much less direct than an American generally would be, and after a certain amount of time, expect you to be able to interpret their vague statements and figure out what they mean. After a good enough amount of time, you should "know their mind."

Basically, it's just something you'll have to get used to. You can probably convince him to get a bit more direct and dominant, but probably not by much.

 

[MajideSaiaku]

It is considored a commonish Japanese trait though by no means universal.

He's just trying to be polite.

Or if he's anything like me he just doesnt like being considored selfish and imposing his will on a group without first considoring what they wanna do.

 

[ArmandV]

With these Japanese "traits" of being non-direct, it's a wonder that they even started World War II in the Pacific Theater. Their strategy meetings must've been something to behold.

 

[Goldiegirl]

indirect or trying to be polite...understandable, but at what cost? I don't think it is wise to hold back on what your true feelings are just to be polite. For instance if I don't like a food that I am offered at a party I politely decline and say "no thank-you". My finace was shocked by this and said that he would never do that and take the offered food and say it was good. How is that honest or even polite, it's a lie. What if that person then keeps making that food for you when you visit...then what do you do, finally confess that you really hated it all along? I gave this explanation to my fiance and he understood it and said perhaps it was better to be more up front...I suppose it's just a matter of what culture you were raised in. I suppose my main concern is that he is happy.

 

[RockLee]

Live with it !

 

[misa.j]

How is that honest or even polite, it's a lie. What if that person then keeps making that food for you when you visit...then what do you do, finally confess that you really hated it all along?

I think it depends on how close you are with them, but you are right about not telling the truth up front will lead to awkward situation later on.

If both of you are going to live in the states, I'm sure he will get used to being more direct. I used to have a hard time expressing myself, but my skin is getting thicker after living here for 7 years.

 

[Goldiegirl]

thank-you misa.j....you have good insight...yes we are planning to live (stay) in the states and yes he's only lived here for 6 months so maybe as you said he will get more used to life in the US. I myself am trying to learn as much as I can about Japan so we can have a more balanced relationship...

 

[Pachipro]

I think Kirei na me, when she sees this thread, is the most suited to answer your question as she is married to a Japanese man and will give you keen insight.

As for myself I have a Japanese wife and it is a cultural trait of the Japanese to always be polite and not rude. No matter what they really feel inside it is damn near impossible to get them to tell their true feelings in public for fear of offending the other party. It is something you just get used to if you do not know Japanese culture and something you just "know" after living there a while and knowing something about the Japanese way of thinking.

After almost 20 years in the states my wife will still not give a direct answer on where she wants to go for dinner or what movie to see. More often than not she will say, "Whatever you want is fine with me." After all these years I know by now her likes and dislikes and will often select a place that she has mentioned liking previously or a movie that she previously said "sounds interesting."

Goldiegirl, it is something you have to get used to and learn about if you are going to marry a Japanese as it can be frustrating for those that do not understand the Japanese way of thinking and why they act the way they do. Learning about it will make for a much stronger relationship in the long run.

 

[Uchite]

Hi Goldiegirl,


I'll add my 2 cents or yen.


I have known quite a few Japanese/American married (and some now divorced) couples, both Japanese woman/American man and Japanese man/American woman.


There is already much good advice and insight posted here by others with more direct experience.


It is true that a lot of times you will not be sure what your future husband really means. I think a lot of it is not just communicating by words, but by actions and non-actions. Another thing is that many Japanese will wait a very long time to make a decision or statement regarding something. You just have to be patient and "read between the lines", which is not always easy. They tend to have a totally different mindset about a lot of things, which is completely opposite than that of the West. Most non-Japanese are totally baffled and often-times frustrated with this reality.
A lot of it too regarding marriage is the traditional role of the wife (and husband) in the traditional Japanese family. I won't get into that since I am not married (yet, once engaged to a Japanese), but I have witnessed it and have been and stayed in Japanese homes many times to be able to have observed and learned about it. For the most part, it is largely different than in the West. It would be much better for someone here who has lived in Japan and who is married to a Japanese to explain.



Another thing I would say is that your future husband needs a little time to get used to living in America. As much as Japan can be a "cultural shock" to Westerners, America can certainly be a "culture shock" to Japanese as well.
One final thing I cannot recommend enough is to go to Japan with your future husband! Preferably before you all get married.



Sorry to ramble and best of luck.

 

[Elizabeth]

It is considored a commonish Japanese trait though by no means universal.
He's just trying to be polite.
Or if he's anything like me he just doesnt like being considored selfish and imposing his will on a group without first considoring what they wanna do.

I do think that the men generally are more decisive when it comes to making & executing plans, though, always making sure it doesn't come off as forced and self-indulgent but not putting themselves on par with the woman by submitting to their input as an equal. Not that I mind the gender roles being more tightly drawn as long as he seems considerate after that and keeps asking how I'm enjoying myself.

 

[MajideSaiaku]

Again to stress though this behaviour isnt entirely universal, think of it as a cultural social norm but by no means a blanket fact.

My Japanese girlfriend is so western it puts others to shame, on the other hand I am quite similar in manners to Japanese (come to think of it, traditional British manners and Japanese manners arent all that different).

Yet she is still very much recognizably Japanese and I am obviously western, its all part of the fun of learning about your partner.

The fun thing about international coupling is you got more then a life-time of things to learn about your love interest.

Good luck and dont worry too much.

 

[Han Chan]

It is really hard to advise about what to do. I guess if you love him - you will sort these small problems out.

You can not assume that all japanese behave the same. Actually, I found communication with my japanese wife so uncomplicated right from the start. She is never shy to speak her mind.

 

[Kinsao]

There is good advice here already. I can only say that it is a good sign that you can already see and understand to a good extent his approach.
If you are both tolerant to each other and understanding your differences in behaviour, that is a large part of having a good relationship.

 

[Davey]

Waiting for Kirei her answer ....

 

[kirei_na_me]

I've been sitting here every day since this has been posted, thinking of what to say. I can't come up with good advice, though. I think it's probably because my relationship has pretty much hit rock bottom these days.

The only thing I can say right now, is that you have to be ready to deal with a very complex relationship. It is so complicated, dealing with an intercultural relationship. I don't care what anyone says, it's tough.

It depends on the individual, though. Some people can close their eyes to some things that other people can't. I think in my situation, a lot of people would just look over a lot of the things that really get to me, but I can't do it. The things that bother me are the things that mean a lot to me, and I know he can't change.

It just depends, is all I can say.

I'd be willing to talk a lot more via PM.

 

[Goldiegirl]

Hello Kirei_na_me,

thank-you for your honesty. I am sorry to hear that your having troubles these days. I would love to talk to you more. I am not sure what to say here...I know there are differences between us and right now they don't seem like problems. I just get worried in the future that perhaps what my fiance once thought was unique will one day be something he doesn't like, and the same goes for myself. I know that there has to be things about me that he finds odd, but overlooks them right now. I know you can't change a person, but I like to think that we are both flexible enough to work through our differences. I never expected to fall in love with a Japansese man, but it happened and I feel I have to go where it takes me...

Oh, also thanks to Uchite, I think going to Japan before we are married sounds like good advice. However, I am really scared to go there. I worry that I wouldn't fit in at all...I have been putting out visit there off...

 

[kirei_na_me]

I can understand how you feel about visiting Japan, Goldiegirl. My husband and I have been married going on 9 years, and I still haven't been. I just met his parents for the first time last summer.

For one, I have never had any desire at all to go to any Asian country, really. So that wasn't there to begin with. I wasn't like a lot of people who fell in love with Japan and everything Japanese first, then seeked out a Japanese spouse to complete it. I'm definitely scared of not fitting in. I also know enough about Japan to know that I just wouldn't like it there for an extended time.

Anyway, the main thing is that you WANT to be married. I have made it no secret that I really didn't want to get married in the first place, which didn't have anything to do with him being Japanese and me being American. Lots of other things do have to do with that, though.

Just so you are flexible(and it really does sound like you are), and just so you and your fiance are committed to making it work, things will hopefully fall into place for you. You've got to want to do it and you've got to really have your heart into making it work. It sounds like you've got the right attitude so far.

 

[Goldiegirl]

Wow Kirei_na_me,

you put into words what I have felt. I too never had the desire to go to Japan or any other Asian country...I didn't meet someone Japanese because I was fascinated by the country, culture etc. It's somehow comforting to know that I am not alone in my fear or anxiety of not fitting in while visiting Japan. I have made it clear that I will visit, but I don't want to live there. I know I've made judgments without having been there...but I know who I am and how I am. I also have concerns about meeting his parents; they are older (70's), and live in the country. Maybe they aren't flexible and open in their thinking. My fiance just says they will love you because I do, or just smile and be polite. We'll have to see what happens...won't be going to visit until March. I hope I do have the right attitude.

 

[MajideSaiaku]

I wasn't like a lot of people who fell in love with Japan and everything Japanese first, then seeked out a Japanese spouse to complete it.

Cheeky.

For your infomation I didnt meet my girlfriend until well after I got over my teenage Japan phase.

Intermission end.