Love and Life from East to West

[sekaijin]

Firstly I gotta say that it's my personal belief that for the most part human beings are the same, basically -- when it comes down to it, we are all bound by similar fears, desires, and aspirations -- however selfish or altruistic our actions may be, we are all just swimming in the same fishbowl of the human condition.

But we (I) still feel 'the other' in ourselves and in each other, especially across genders and cultures. It's funny how young humans (I) seem sometimes, the human race, we are all one and we could help each other into a kick-*** world so quickly if we would just wake up and see ourselves in each other.

OK, that was the humanity-can-make-it mini rant, now here's my selfish problem section:

being in love, as a western man, in Japan -- is it possible to just follow my heart? Is that too foolish for a 'man's role' in marriage? Mostly I'm thinking about this because I've been faced with the internal question of whether or not Our Love is in itself enough to start a family (via the marriage path), or if I need to have my life planned out and be in total career mode so I can ask my girlfriend to marry me. Her Father is very old-school wabi-sabi traditional Japanese and she's the only daughter. And if I must say so myself I have not fully emerged from my I'm-a-man-now cocoon, or at least that's how it's feeling these days. OK, let's plan a few things, like what's next, what are you doing next year, etc., but just not in my life-track as far as career is concerned, I guess. And there was a time before when her mom (dad knows nothing, mom knows everything) was grilling me about the kono mama wa ii desu ka-- just keep going like this or get married line of questioning. I could wait and wait and wait -- really it's like common law marriage is fine with me, but just feels like I'm getting pressed into a mold (they don't make my size here) and the time just doesn't feel right yet... just worried about our plans diverging but she can't move in with me unless I propose to her. And I really want to, but just not sure she feels safe with me cause I'm not 'in my career' and her dad's going to worry (because I'm gaijin --?) Her dad worries about her so much -- I think that's a good thing -- but isn't the bottom line that he just wants her to be happy?_? Will it just not work if I base my life plans around my relationship? -- the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return (thank you n.k.cole)--? Is it reasonable to label that line of thinking as something 'western'?

so it's a tight spot where my feeling otherness reigns supreme. can't seem to shake it and let the love flow, let go, so we can grow...

can i getta woop woop?

ranting and raving and real,

j.

 

[Satori]

Hi Sekaijin,

First of all, I like your views towards humanity!

In terms of "the other," are you speaking of how we are all connected in more ways than we realize--that we are reflected in each other? If so, I agree with that.

It sounds like you are feeling pressured to make a decision before you are actually ready, and a decision regarding marriage is huge and should not be taken lightly. So I wouldn't give in to the pressures of feeling rushed. You have already stated that you do not yet have a career track in place, that the time for marriage just doesn't feel right, and that you could wait for this girl.

You also say that you are worried that the plans you have with this girl will diverge if you don't marry her. Personally, I think if love is meant to be, things will come together when they are meant to, so I think you are right to want to wait. Trust your gut feeling. It's usually correct.

I'm curious ... have you ever thought of asking her father what he thinks of the idea, and expressing to him your concerns about needing to have a solid foundation under your feet before marrying his daughter? How you love his daughter but want to be able to provide for her as well so that she will be happy? He might be impressed by how responsible you are in the situation.

I think it's important to not only love the other person, but to love yourself as well. It sounds to me as though you need to discover who you are and what you want in the world first, and then you can include the relationship, so that you have both. That will help you stay on a balanced path in both your relationship and your life in general. When you have achieved that, I think it will become much clearer when marriage should enter the picture. However, without having that foundation in place, I think it would be difficult to know for certain. If it is meant to be, she will still be around when you have put these things into place. Therefore, I would see it more as an issue of balance, as opposed to a choice of either marriage or career. I think you can follow your heart with regard to love, as long as you also love yourself enough to follow your dreams as to what you want to do and become in life.

The main thing is not to base your feelings entirely in one direction. For instance, if you followed your heart with respect to the love you feel for this girl, as well as gave into the pressure of marrying her before you are truly ready, then where will the marriage go from there? Even a relationship needs to have some type of direction. Without a career and life plan in place, I don't know where it could go. If you proceed to put a career in place first, just make sure that you don't exclude love from your life. Both careers and relationships take a lot of work and commitment, so they are not to be taken lightly--but either are your goals in life.

the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return (thank you n.k.cole)--? Is it reasonable to label that line of thinking as something 'western'?

Ah, Nat King Cole! Wonderful words--and they sound pretty universal to me! The thing I have learned about love is that when you love yourself and know that you are love--that that is the essence of who you are--then you are free to share love with others and are no longer dependent on receiving love from outside of yourself. In addition, when you acknowledge the love within yourself, you are able to attract it into your life from others. The mirror effect that you spoke of earlier (assuming that is what you were talking about). The loved one will mirror and reflect what is within you. That, to me, is what Nat King Cole is speaking of when he says, "The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

I hope that answered some of your questions.

ranting and raving and real

I love it!!

 

[Lina Inverse]

Marrying is something very final and definite, so you should be absolutely 100% sure you want to do it with your current partner. If you still have any doubts, you should better wait some more until you are really 100% sure about it.
Also, I would wait until you have a job before you propose to her. There's no need to hurry things.

 

[sekaijin]

Hey Satori and Lina thanks for your posts!

I've been 'away from my desk' for a few cycles, so nice to come back to your well-versed WoW.

We're putting the breaks on the marriage talk for the time being -- since at some point we ended up just looking at each other and saying, "how did we start talking about the marriage thing??".

Yeah Satori, it is really more of a time for me to think deeply and carefully about the next 10 years or so, since I'm not as young and infinite-feeling as I as 10 years ago...
And as for sensing and understanding The Other, my feeling is we have an eternal connection but are contained within life-frames to the otherness of our born and learned perceptions -- culture, age, time, and sex -- perhaps marriage is our sacred binding with an Other, our re/unification within the Otherness matrix...? [sounds like I'm gallaranting again...]

Mostly it's a personal matter of what I want to do with my life, and also true to your point that if I were to enter into the chamber of holy sacrament at this juncture...well, it just wouldn't be prudent and not so great for any new lives we could generate within the first few years (which of course would be the next pressure spectrum ala okaasan). As I'm fairly sure that my current job won't link directly with my semi-envisioned career, yeah it would be best for me to put the WOAH on this steed. Time to re-group.

We do have some plan to move in together, as I am waiting for her here on the other side of Japan. I shifted my plan a bit, which for lack of a better word, was not really a plan at all but just a sequence of life events up to now.

At first I was really eager beaver for her to tell her dad everything, now I'm thinking it's better to wait at least until we've got the financials together for the move-in. Of course he could still say no to the living together before marriage proposal proposal but at least then we won't be sneaking around or getting her mom to sign for our place behind his back.

Ahh, but it was such a sweet momentum...just gotta gear down for the long-haul reality. Since we're both children of troubled marriages (my fam broke, her fam reconciled) we don't want to repeat any patterns. We've both got some growin to do.

And Lina, that is my position exactly. Just helps to be reminded of it sometimes. Thank you, two times.



'What-you-talkin-bout, Everybody'
(Arnold, Diff'rent Strokes)

 

[sekaijin]

...really just want an unconditional inside/outside love....
...if i could just remember where i put that....
...love remote......